Wednesday, November 04, 2009

i never thought i'd be reading this but...

I don’t begrudge anyone a blog; I’m all for it…it’s everyone’s right to get a free page on the internet and fill it with whatever they desire…brilliant, good, bad, indifferent or just plain garbage.
Write whatever you want; it’s not compulsory that I read it.

And you know something…I don’t mind if you’re two-hundred kilograms overweight and want to blame your parents for it rather than eat less and exercise more.
I don’t mind if you’re fifty kilograms underweight and want to blame magazines and television for it rather than go and see a psychiatrist or a nutritionist or just plain stop being a nut.
I don’t mind if you married the wrong man at sixteen and want to blame the twelve children you bore him for having to stay married rather than take your chances out there on Struggle Street.
I don’t mind if your work colleagues hate you.
I don’t mind if you hate your neighbours.
I don’t mind if you’re broke or broken-hearted.
I want you to get it all out…like a Woody Allen movie…just get all that emotional crap off your plate and onto mine so I can feast on the excruciating minutiae of your suffering…
Just please don’t tell me about your sex lives…PLEASE.
Not the blowjobs you’ve given (especially you, Memphis), not the oral you’ve had, not the five-hour marathons that left your snatch looking like road-kill and certainly not your most recent experiences with bum-sex (that means you, Gaylord).
Over the years I’ve had to endure hundreds of posts like these…below are just a few…no names no pack drill…if you recognize your handiwork or mouth-work…or any other work…there’s no need to panic because I’m not going to ‘out’ you.
I just want to make a few observations…

Example 1: Fast forward to last night. Without using the entire strap-on (I just decided to introduce the rubber dong to X’s lovely ass. I first stroked his cock…just to tease him a little. Next, I lubed our new toy and X’s delicious ass and began to insert the toy very gently in and out. I kept the toy right there-in one spot for the time being. I told X to start stroking his cock.

Thanks very much. I was having my breakfast as I read your lovely post. There’s nothing like Vegemite toast and a cup of tea while I try not to imagine your partner being ass-raped with a rubber Maglite while abusing himself like a chimpanzee…

Example 2: He was still damp as he held my head and kissed me in his special and gentle way. In seconds his cock was rock hard as our kissing grew more urgent. I very gently stroked his knob over and over, running all five of my fingers from under the ridge to meet at the top. A drop of pre-cum appeared, glistening on the end of his cock. I flicked it off quickly with my tongue. He cock grew another centimetre. If I am not into him enough to want to lick every inch of his body, to breathe in his scent, to bury my face in his hair, to suck his fingers one at a time, to nibble his lips, to swallow his sweet cum.
Then I wouldn't be giving him head.

Well, isn’t that just all a bit dreamy ?? I’m surprised Hallmark hasn’t made a card expressing that beautiful sentiment. ‘Love is not spilling a drop.’

Example 3: For the longest time, I've been guilty of being a size queen and last night, X did not disappoint. However, while he was sliding in and out my dripping honey-pot, it was his girth that did the magic. Not his length. Now, yes, he was a big boy - probably 7 or 8 inches but it was his thickness that made me squirm.

Confucius say: Only reason woman need wide cock is if she have big honey-pot.

Example 4: He pressed into me, filling me up with his cock and I was alright. My breathing picked up and I felt wonderful. He had me near the edge but I had not climaxed…he couldn’t hold it in and came in me after some hard fucking. He filled me with his seed and I lifted my hips to get him in deeper, though he did spill onto the seat just a little.

This would have been far classier if you’d been doing it in a Bentley rather than a public toilet at the time. You SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT.

Arrrrgggggggghhhh…my eyes…my poor eyes !!!
For the love of Christ…make it stop…


Kitty said...

oooh baby! you forgot my legendary bum sex with the chicken shop guy...

you cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunt.

fuck wd's 'post ban', i'm off to type aboutthat time that i smoked your bat and you jizzed all over your batman sheets and cried like a cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunt.

Kitty said...

p.s. glad you remembered to un privatise your stupid self without me having to remind your crinkly old arse.


fingers said...

Kitty: True...but then again I did base all the stuff before the crappy sex stories on you. Ha !!! Take that, you chicken-fucker...

Kitty said...

fingers- i'd rather fuck chickens than KATS!


Ute said...

That first example made my eye's squint, and my bum hole suck up in fright. >.< *

electro-kevin said...

You're quite right, Fingers. I prefer the video medium for the expression of such 'art'.

Steph said...

Glad to see you took my advice and stopped being a big girly Noddy!

Remember my wank poetry? I must revive it...My lover....myself...what an ending!


Jayne said...

Shit, that lot is a bit staunch, especially over Vegemite & a cuppa tea!
Your fans love you Fingers......they just luuuuuurve you & want to share their experiences with you.
Jaysus, that was a funny post!!

unique_stephen said...

I didn't rate a mention, clearly I've not written enough about bum sex.... Bugger

rage said...

Yet you still come back for more fingers....

xl said...

If I ever actually did have sex, I would at least allude to it.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...honey, it's like watching a Will and Grace episode where they flash back to older eps cause the writers couldn't think of anything new to write.

OMG...number 4 sounds like something that happened to me, okay lots of times...dang it was a big school, you know.

Anyway...I don't remember you calling me a SLUUUUUT!

You know how that dirty filthy talk...turns me on.

More please.

Baby...I loved this post...More please. It was fun but couldn't resist teasing you.

I'd love to see who they are...have you considered outing them?

ciao honey. :)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers baby...this guy told me a Confucious jokem but I'n confused.

I slapped my knee and laughed like it was the best joke I've ever heaard(I'm a hell of a good actress) and he walked off like he impressed me.

Here it is...Confuscious say...elevator smells different to midget.

What the hell does that mean?

Later sweetie. oh and I'm asking you cause smart, baby. xx

electro-kevin said...

Phew !

Thank god no-one bothered to look at my video link !


Anonymous said...

Bahahahah! You have to send me the links to these pages, I am missing out! (there's a double sided statement if ever there was one)

Bad Bob said...

And not only did you read it all, you just had to have it available for us to read also. Vegemite toast for breakfast? I suppose it's a Down Under kind of thing. I tried it once, and like your described poignant blow jobs I just wasn't in to it.
Have you tried the new Vegemite iSnack 2.0?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers babe...forget about explaining the elevator/midget joke. I was in an elevator...jeez, do people do that in confined spaces. And I can just imagine how it must smell for someone that has there nose the height of most asses.

And they all pretend that it wasn't them...they say me. :)

ciao honey...hope your weekend is going well.

EmmaK said...

I just don't feel that we can not share the precious moments we shared last night -
"As an Austrian of nazi descent I had always fantasized about being pummelled by a jew. Rumors had circulated about finger's prowess in the sack and when we met last night I stroked his Yamuka and tickled his matzo balls. I was awed by his cock which dangled to his knees. fingers insisted i don full nazi regalia and I shouted Heil! as he penetrated me with his kosher sausage. I have never experienced such pleasure, and my orgasms exploded like the lights on a menora."

Memphis Steve said...

What??? I didn't make the cut? I am SOOO insulted! I have loads of great sex stories! Of course, they're all complete lies, but that's what makes them so great. I can't believe you feinted an inclusion of my ass-raping slog and then didn't actually use any of it. How humiliating!

I'm eating an ice cream cone right now and I've licked it into the shape of a nipple. Just thought I'd throw that out there as an example of my fine, erotic talents.

Ms Smack said...


I THINK, one of those are mine! Which means, you went trawling like a dirty old pervert through my archives to find it!

It's been AGES since I wrote about anything dripping at my place, but my fucking tap.

Unfortunately, back then, you were the only one that didn't like my disgusting stories.

When I used to write those smutty stories, my stats went through the roof and many many emails asking for more!

Lucky I grew out of it, eh?


Ms Smack said...

Actually, I'm not positive that IS one of mine, now that I re-read it.

Meh, who cares.

Have a good weekend. Great post LOL


fingers said...

ute: Did you not hear me just ask for a moratorium on updates from your ass ??

E-K: I hope they never pull you from the wreck of your train to find that video frozen on the monitor instead of a railway track guide.

steph: Oh goody, you think your stirring e-mail talked me off blogging's window ledge. Get your finger out of your nose...I think you've scratched your brain.

Jayne: I know you love me baby...but I promise if you ever post a bum-sex piece I WILL jump.

US: Don't try bum sex, mate; it makes your ass sore.

Rage: Hi baby. Want a banana for your chimpanzee...:)

xl: No trawling my blog for sympathy sex. That's Memphis' turf.

Spiker: Hey that hurts, baby. Are you saying I've jumped the shark ??

SK: No links. I said I wouldn't out anyone...('s a clue...sometimes a bum needs a good SMACK).

Emma: You know, I was having a coffee and watching the whole drama of your comment unfold in real time this morning. Three re-writes before you got it just right. I'm honoured, meine kleine schwanzen gefondler...and yes, I still remember your foray into commissioned porn.

MS: To be honest mate I find that avatar of you taking a dump as erotic as anything you could dream up.

Smack I can't believe you outed yourself after all the precautions I took to protect the identities of the bloggers, Ms Size Queen...

Steph said...

You know it was! Stick a finger up your own bloody nose, you must find it so roomy now that the coke ate away at the Septum!

Fanny said...

The nursing home must be putting too much bromide in your tea, I think.

Ute said...

Sorry, my ass speaks for itself. I have very little control over what it says, or does. =D

EmmaK said...

No it was just that I was at a friend's house and she insisted on talking to me while I used her computer and I didn't want to say 'would you just shut the fuck up i'm trying to write jew porn' so I kept rewriting. Some people eh!

De Campo said...

Fucking hilarious.

From now on whenever I get bummed that I have nothing to blog I will look back on this post and realize that it could be worse. I could be blogging about crazed chimpanzee MagLite sex.

Memphis Steve said...

Ah yes, my profile photo. So many people have come to believe that it truly is me on that toilet that I almost feel as if I should pay for the rights to use it. Almost, but not quite.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...hahaha. I love a man that can talk 'Hollywood' with me.

Jumped the shark! hahaha.

See that's why you'll always be at the top of my rating. Who else (but me) would know what you're talking about when you refered to jumping the shark?

The Fonzie would be so proud of I am. Oh and BTW...don't call Henry... Fonzie. He so doesn't like it. After throwing a mini fit when we said. "HI FONZIE." He said said to g/f and me. "It's Henry Winkler"

When he left we said..."BYE FONZIE!" You know the next day we got our first restraining order.

Good times babe...good times.

And another thing...number #4 is me, huh? :)

fingers...have a wonderful day baby. xxx


Yes, we must commit to cleaning up blog smut.It's unnerving to say the least!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers baby...where are you baby?

You aren't angry with me are you honey.

Stop ignoring

*Stomps foot...and walks off*

I'll be back and I'm bring it sweetie. I'm gonna mini post here about that time when I went down on that...

Well you just wait till tomorrow.

Later sweetie. xxx

I mean > do you go. I kow hum

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Yes, smuttiness must die! However, it is extremely difficult to look at those little stick figures with that red thingie over them!

Can you please remove it?

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Did I ever mention I can't stand pole dancers and million dollar sluts either? Kill them too, would ya?

Memphis Steve said...

Once there was this kid who
Got into an accident and couldn't come to school
But when he finally came back
His hair had turned from black into bright white
He said that it was from when
The car had smashed so hard

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

It simply isn't right for this post to sit idle at 34 comments while we wait for more of The World According to Fingers magic. C'mon man, you're mostly likely fully invested now and not busy moving money around from the U.S. to China or emerging markets or even home to the King of Commodities that is Australia. Tells us more about the exciting life of Master Fingers, cat lover and ships captain! Any Somali pirates bother you there in Sydney? This is why you need me to live nearby, 'cause as an American I can own a gun. You need me and my gun onboard your ship to protect you from the pirates.

Anonymous said...

Looking back...I think I was guilty of posting once about trying out a new his/hers lube and felt like I'd caught my YooHoo on fire...but otherwise...I'm a boring poster.
Will try to keep it as such, Sir.

You're a Funny Honey.

Anonymous said...

I loved the guy whose stiffy grew another centimetre - sex in metric! I have written a sex post once but I have no idea when... also I do have a smuttfest on my smutt blog if you would care to peruse it... I didnt write it by the way..

Spiky Zora Jones said...

sweetie, How come when Ms Smack writes smutty stuff her stats go through the roof. woohoo!

But when I write smut...only one of my three regular reader/commenters, Father John from Catholic School comments, telling me to say (10 Hail marys and 5 Our Fathers) and if I have any naked pictures of me...send them to him.


God, how many photos does he need!

Anyway...where are you baby? ;)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers babe...sweetie, why didn't you pick me up at the air port?

And while I'm here...(mini post) I once knew a girl...her name was Penny Nicols. She lived there beneath the blue suburban sky. Her mum was a banker. Her 'dadday' as she pronounced it was a fireman. He drove the bright red fire-engine. He liked to keep it clean.

We were in a high school play ' Oklahoma'...we called it the Thea-tuh. I had a sing and dance part while she had better...lines to say. We switched parts was wonderful, though no one noticed...not even Mr. Miller my Drama and English prof.

Just saying...Well I figured since you were using this blog...

Fingers honey, are you on a cruise? Wait! Don't tell me cause I'll hate you for NOT taking me.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

And's not to early to be drinking *hick*


Madam Z said...

Fingers, where are you? My whine needs guidance!

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