They say that there is someone out there for everybody !!!
They, of course, are full of shit. These are the same ‘they’ who tell losers it’s lucky when a bird takes a crap on them. It’s just not true.
There may in fact be more than one person for some people…but unless you’re the sort of cabbage who believes in the magical healing power of rainbows, it’s time to admit that for other people there just might not be anyone.
I figure it’s a numbers game mostly.
BFNs !!! The ‘B’ stands for big, the ‘N’ stands for numbers…I’ll let you fuckers work out what the ‘F’ stands for.
Take me for instance; what are the chances that there’s someone out there for me ?? Slim, that’s what sort of chance there is…because as everyone knows I’m an asshole…and a very choosy one at that.
But let’s do the BFNs anyway, shall we ?? And let’s assume that for every disqualifying criterion we remove roughly (ROUGHLY ok) 50% of the available number of candidates according to the theory of normal distribution.
So, say there are 6 billion people on the planet; half of them are disqualified immediately for not being chicks, so that leaves 3 billion; still a pretty BFN.
Of course half those chicks are the wrong age, either too young and protected by the law or too old and protected by nature, so that leaves 1.5 billion.
Half of those are the wrong height, either potential draftees for the NBL or trolls that look like they’ve fallen off a key ring, so that leaves 750 million.
Half of those are the wrong weight, either skeleton-like bags of anorexic bones or binge-eating tubs of lard, so that leaves 400 million.
Half of those have heads like watermelons or faces that are interchangeable with their ass, so that leaves 200 million.
Half of those are dumb cunts with the IQ of a pot-plant, so that leaves 100 million or so.
See, not such a BFN now is it…although it’s still not a bad number but we’ve only got through the shallower, physical requirements for my perfect partner.
Let’s look at some of the deeper qualities I’m after…
Half of those are either God-bothering hand-holders, tree-worshippers, fundamentalist suicide bombers or spend every Saturday night on the roof of their Doomsday Church waiting for a spaceship to collect them, so that leaves 50 million.
Don’t like ‘Seinfeld’…25 million.
Hold their cutlery like baboons…15 million.
Can’t drive a manual car or reverse park…8 million.
Are Holocaust-deniers…4 million.
Eat vegetarian…2 million.
Call partner by a baby name in public …1 million.
Take forever to get to the point in a conversation …500,000.
Believe in astrology…250,000.
Follow celebrity news…125,000.
Overlap plates in the dishwasher…60,000.
Constantly ask how they look…30,000.
Pack too many clothes on a trip …15,000.
Allergic to cats…8,000.
Listen to loud music first thing in the morning …4000.
Laugh at their own jokes when they aren’t that funny…2000.
Like to do Yum-cha on Sundays …1000.
Use baby talk during sex…500
Mess up the car radio stations…250.
Turn into quadriplegics when they get sick…125
Leave wet towels on the bed…60.
Over-zealous light turner-offerers…30.
Spread out like a starfish in bed…15.
Brush teeth in lounge room while trying to talk about their day at work…8.
Read self-help books…4.
Spells ‘definitely’ as ‘definately’…2.
Like to interpret dreams…1.
See, we’re down to 1 person already and she has to actually like me…