Sunday, July 23, 2006

tough love...

As part of the decision-making process on whether to get a Burmese cat, my lovely ex-girlfriend is letting me ‘adopt’ her two prize-moggies for the upcoming weekend.
She’s also provided a handbook on caring for Burmese cats which I have been reading most assiduously over the past few days.
These cats require a mountain of maintenance as far as I can tell; thrice-weekly brushing of the teeth, daily brushing of the coats, daily playtime, twice-daily feedings, weekly nail-trimming and monthly vinegar baths. And…they must remain indoors at all times apparently to prevent to the risk of getting lost or catching cat-flu from one of the local ferals.
They are the Naomi Campbells of the feline world.
Well, I plan on re-training these pampered pussies while they’re in my care; my ex will thank me if and when she gets them back.
Bright and early Saturday morning, ‘Bollie’ and ‘Merlot’ will be taking a spin on the back of the Vespa; in a milk-crate strapped to the luggage rack. For the 10-minute dash across town they will be without their Cashmere lounge-vests in order to help better acclimatise to the harsh conditions ahead of them. You see, I’ve planned an ‘Orienteering Weekend’ for the two aristocats, whereby I drop them off in Centennial Park and they have 36 hours to find their way back to Cunt Point.
To prevent the possibility of starvation, I will incorporate a food-scavenging programme into their pre-course survival training; before their mission commences they will be shown photos of edible local fauna common to the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney. I will also teach them, by holding their pointy little heads in one, the bush-technique of puddle-drinking to avoid dehydration; the good news for them is that heavy rain is forecast for the rest of the week.
The only real danger lies in their heading south from the park instead of north, a route which would take them directly through the dark-heart of Asian-fusion cuisine in the Randwick area…

55 comments:

Georgia said...

Indoors at all times? Oh please. Patsy is a Burmese I know and she spends plenty of time outside and she is incredibly healthy and as fabulous as her name suggests. Either your ex is spoiling the cats way too much (and I'm all for a pampered pussy, don't get me wrong...) or she is playing a huge joke on you whereby she hopes that you will imprisoned by the arduous care these cats "require" and you will enjoy a lonely, sex-starved, mog-tastic weekend.

Anita said...

Who the fuck brushes a cat's teeth? I say cats get their teeth brushed when they grow opposable thumbs. sheesh.

We have 2 inside-only cats and, in order to torment them we put a bird feeder directly outside the window. Sometimes we also give them "bag rides" where we flip them upside down in plastic bags. Antagonizing them is almost worth the allergies caused by the shed fur.

W said...

fingers, you really must attach a kitty-cam to each of their collars so we can track their progress. Or I can go and steal them from the park.

Crazy cat ladies unite!

fingers said...

Well, obviously these two pioneer/adventurers will be test-cases for my actual Burmese. Should they return unharmed I know it'll be safe for my mog to be banished to the garden for the day while I'm out, where he/she can do their doo-doos and spare me the shame of changing their litter daily.
One warning in the cat-manual mentioned the importance of always checking your oven before pre-heating, in case your cat had crawled inside.
WTF...

WJ said...

"luggage rack"?

now I know you like to talk up the size of things fingers, but come on...

Mountjoy said...

Well you know those pesky Burmese breeds and the way they can work out a) which one the oven is, and b)how to not only open the door, but how to close it once ensconced inside. I have heard tales of dyslexic Burmese who have climbed into dishwashers by mistake, with dire results - they came out like Persians.

fingers said...

Well, now it's a fucking 'cat-rack'...

fingers said...

Mountjoy, if these miraculous cats are that mechanically gifted maybe they can drive themselves down to the park this weekend and let me sleep in...

Mex said...

fingers you've been banging on about getting a cat for months now. why dont you just get over yourself and do it.

fingers said...

Because it's an important decision, Mex.
Grow up, moron.
A Burmese cat isn't like a girlfriend/wife; when you tire of their company you can't just kill them and keep their heads in the freezer...

WJ said...

no, you can put the whole lot in, which saves blunting your kitchen knives.

so they tell me.

Mex said...

FFS fingers. at least if you dont like it you can just re-gift it. some people return them to the breeders or the RSPCA or wherever they got it from. but i'd imagine you finding good use from a sack and river you evil old man.

fingers said...

Yeah sure, Mex.
They told me the same lies about my wife; "If you don't like her, just return her or give her away."
All sounds good in theory until you actually try and get rid of one of the bitches...

killerrabbit said...

I just got a cat but not a fancy smancy breed. It is fun and cute but will suffer terribly as there is going to be no cat teeth brushing in our house. But it is a kitten and likes to attack my feet, sleep, play with his fake mouse and eat.

If this sounds like fun get a cat...

Georgia said...

If you can't cope with annoying kitten antics, go to the RSPCA and adopt an adult cat. There are so many of them because everyone wants a cute kitten. But spare a thought for the senior mogs. They're over their kitten idiocy, they are toilet trained and they are just happy to hang out with you on the couch. And that is my community service announcement for today.

fingers said...

I'm torn between maintaining the high standard of residential breeding in Cunt Point...and not having to pick up cat poo every day.
I suspect that the poo will out...

Georgia said...

The RSPCA will have "part-Persians" and "half-Burmese" for breed snobs. In any event, go for the cat who can poo in the garden and then find it's own way back to the house, rather than the pampered purebred who'll poo wherever it wants to and cost you a fortune in vet bills because of some weirdo genetic disorder.

fingers said...

I've found a 2 year old Burmese-cross (black) at some cat-rescue joint called 'Heavenly Paws' (or something.
Seems to have a small head though.
Not that I mind a little head...

W said...

Cross with what though?

Georgia said...

Crossed with a panther by the sounds of things... Such a beast demands a diamond-encrusted collar and a solid gold chain for a leash...

fingers said...

Crossed with what ??
Another cat presumably, Tuna Breath.
It looks mostly Burmese (then again I find it difficult to tell one from a Siamese or Tonkinese) with some unidentified short-haired domestic genes into the mix...

fingers said...

Take a look yourselves.
Check out 'Sooty' and tell me whether he has a golf-ball sized head or it's just a photographic distortion...
http://www.happypaws.com.au/cats/adoption?b_start:int=10

W said...

Normal looking headsize, stop getting confused with yours Yasser.

And I meant what breed you asshat.

fingers said...

What about that 3rd photo...the one with 'Sooty' draped across the office chair like a louche ??
That's a pretty small head for a cat if you ask me...

W said...

I will give you, in every picture but the bottom one, suspiciously small looking head.

I chalked it up to weird photo angles, but perhaps there is something more sinister happening...

fingers said...

I'm thinking 'black cat'...maybe owned by a Haitian witch...sprayed on the witch's doona...witch shrank cat's head...

Georgia said...

Sooty's head looks fine. Are you wearing your glasses around the wrong way again, Gramps?

fingers said...

A small head will greatly increase his chances of getting stuck in a drain some day...

WJ said...

sooty looks like a normally proportioned head to me fingers.

one thing to sort out - sooty is a chick.

from memory, chicks love being mistaken for guys, so you two will get along famously...

Ms Smack said...

I love the way you write AND make me laugh.

fingers said...

Well spotted Todd; I missed that salient piece of information.
I assume if you can de-sex a cat then you must also be able to re-sex a cat, so I'll have to ask 'Heavenly Paws' about turning Sooty around for me...

WJ said...

well, it can actually make a difference, as boy cats can sometimes want to wee on everything (although usually much less so or not at all once desexed) whereas chicks don't...

see, I am actually helpful sometimes. And I love how you make me laugh too fingers...

fingers said...

Yes, I did note in the manual that I would be advised to put gaffer tape over any unused power points as the Burmese males like to use them as targets when having a wee.
Charming habit...which I'm supposed to make safer for the filthy little bastards.
Newsflash: Piss on my powerpoints at your peril pussycats...

Mex said...

you HAVE to get sooty - its perfect.

Mex said...

By the way - whatever happened to Fuckface?

fingers said...

Fuckface hasn't spoken to me since she got back from her trip to Japan...

Mex said...

what kind of dumb-ass cat goes on trips to japan?

you must have more money than sense.

fingers said...

She goes there to get secret treatment for cat herpes...

Mex said...

so how is it secret if you know about it then? or were you the scabby freak that gave it to fuckface?

fingers said...

Don't push your luck, skank...

welcome to wallyworld said...

I love the way you write AND make me come. Sorry to bring you down man but that babe is a 240 pound ex-Vietnam Vet, cross-dressing bikie. She regularly leaves salacious messages on my blog. I arranged to meet her once. At Central Station. But I got cold feet when I noticed it only had one arm. So I hid behind a baggage cart until she went away. Still feel a bit crumby about it. She was probably pretty 'armless. And I don't mind a bit of bike talk.
BTW You've hit the big time now. A link from Radar! Gosh and Gee Willikins! So far I've had 30 visitors.

fingers said...

I made all these canapes for the visiting hordes and now I'm stuck with the fuckers...

Georgia said...

Are the Burmese cats desexed? They shouldn't be pissing on everything if they are desexed. It seems to me that they are just ill-disciplined cats. Then again, our old girl cat Tink just started to forget her manners in her dotage. In the last years of her life, she took to dragging her butt along the carpet leaving skidmarks. It was gross but she did look very funny when she did it.

Anita said...

I love a man who isn't afraid to call another man a "skank."

fingers said...

Georgia, perhaps Tink just saw you doing it and figured it was easier than going outside all the time...

Mex said...

anita, im not a man...

fingers said...

Not yet.
Just the hands so far...

Blonde Vigilante said...

I suggest rowing them out to a middle of lake and dropping them in.

IndianGirl said...

Be nice to the pussy and the pussy will be nice to you.

fingers said...

I have a similar opinion about exercise.
I don't attack my heart and it doesn't attack me hopefully...

IndianGirl said...

your finger looks way to young for a heart attack

fingers said...

Aren't you sweet !!!
Sadly though, that photo was taken in 1943 when my finger was in its prime...

IndianGirl said...

I do hope your knuckles havent sagged too much

Georgia said...

Oh boy, it's the birth of another of Fingers' cyber love affairs...

unique_stephen said...

email me