Crime scenario 1: I am awoken at 9am on a Sunday by two police officers, a male and female from the local station who want to ask me a few questions…
Bloke Cop (BC): ‘Good morning, Sir…is that your boat and trailer outside on Cunt Point Road??’
Me (M): ‘I hope so. Why is there something wrong??’
Chick Cop (CC): ‘Can you please come up to the street and take a look at something??’
M: ‘What’s the problem ??’
CC: ‘Please accompany us to street level, Sir.’
The three of us proceed to Cunt Point Road, where the bloke cop points to my kerb-side trailer tires, both of which are flat as his partner’s chest…
BC: ‘Do you know anything about this, Sir??’
M: ‘I know the tires are flat…and it appears that the actual air-valves have been removed to make the job of re-inflating them a pain in the ass.’
BC: ‘Any idea how it might have happened??’
M: ‘Well the only thing I know for sure is that I didn’t do it myself.’
BC: ‘Are you saying that you believe someone else has done this??’
M: ‘Yes, Columbo…of course that’s what I’m saying.’
CC: ‘Do you have any idea who might want to do this??’
M: ‘Probably one of my fuck-head neighbors who thinks the boat is out of place on this street…or maybe a gang of tire-valve thieves is operating in the area. How the fuck should I know.’
CC: ‘No need to be a smart-ass, mate.’
M: ‘What?? Mate?? Did you just call me ‘mate’?? I’m not your mate…and you know full well what my name is…so either call me Mr Fingers or Sir.’
Since I can’t punch the chick cop’s head in, (mostly because it’s illegal but partially because she probably knows some evil chick cop karate and will put me in hospital), I walk up to the flat tires and kick them as hard as I can.
MC: ‘So, what do you intend doing about this??’
M: ‘About what…about fixing the tires…or solving the crime…or exacting bloody, murderous revenge on the neighbours??'
CC: ‘About fixing the tires.’
M: ‘Well, I thought I might re-inflate them at some stage.’
MC: ‘When??’
M: ‘When it’s convenient.’
CC: ‘No, you need to fix them now, Sir…you can’t leave the trailer in an un-roadworthy condition on the street.’
M: ‘Well I have things to do so it will have to wait until I have time to do it.’
CC: ‘Well don’t be surprised if you return to find the trailer has been booked.’
M: ‘Excuse me?? Listen, Miss Marple…in case you haven’t worked it out I am the victim here of a crime…not that I expect you to commit any of your revenue-raising resources to solving it…but I am still the victim here.’
CC: ‘Well we will be back in a few hours to see if the trailer has been fixed…otherwise we will have to issue a…’
M: ‘Are you some sort of complete cunt??'
CC: ‘I beg your pardon, Sir.’
M: ‘Don’t beg my pardon…you heard what I said…and your big, shiny badge doesn’t mean you have a big, shiny vadge in my book.’
MC: ‘Sir, there’s no need to use that sort of language in front of the lady Constable.’
M: ‘She’s a fucking Cunt-Stable alright…a whole stable of cunts…it’s 9am on a Sunday morning, my trailer has been vandalized and she’s giving me lip.'
MC: ‘Sir, I won’t tell you again about using that sort of language.’
M: ‘Oh go fuck yourself…what a pair of cunts you two are.’
Fast-forward two hours to Cunt Point Police Station, where I have been taken and charged with using offensive language, issued a fine and told I may appeal both in court should I choose to bother…
Crime Scenario 2: Tiger Woods apparently lies bruised in his bed, his wife having allegedly taken exception to the news he was cheating on her and expressed some feelings of her own on his head with his very own one-wood. Meanwhile his car is outside the house nestled against a tree, the windows smashed and another golf club lying nearby. The Florida Highway Patrol is at the entrance to the gated community where Tiger Woods lives, but investigators are told he is unavailable...please come back later…
