Sunday, November 29, 2009

the trailer and the tiger...

Crime scenario 1: I am awoken at 9am on a Sunday by two police officers, a male and female from the local station who want to ask me a few questions…

Bloke Cop (BC): ‘Good morning, Sir…is that your boat and trailer outside on Cunt Point Road??’
Me (M): ‘I hope so. Why is there something wrong??’
Chick Cop (CC): ‘Can you please come up to the street and take a look at something??’
M: ‘What’s the problem ??’
CC: ‘Please accompany us to street level, Sir.’

The three of us proceed to Cunt Point Road, where the bloke cop points to my kerb-side trailer tires, both of which are flat as his partner’s chest…

BC: ‘Do you know anything about this, Sir??’
M: ‘I know the tires are flat…and it appears that the actual air-valves have been removed to make the job of re-inflating them a pain in the ass.’
BC: ‘Any idea how it might have happened??’
M: ‘Well the only thing I know for sure is that I didn’t do it myself.’
BC: ‘Are you saying that you believe someone else has done this??’
M: ‘Yes, Columbo…of course that’s what I’m saying.’
CC: ‘Do you have any idea who might want to do this??’
M: ‘Probably one of my fuck-head neighbors who thinks the boat is out of place on this street…or maybe a gang of tire-valve thieves is operating in the area. How the fuck should I know.’
CC: ‘No need to be a smart-ass, mate.’
M: ‘What?? Mate?? Did you just call me ‘mate’?? I’m not your mate…and you know full well what my name is…so either call me Mr Fingers or Sir.’

Since I can’t punch the chick cop’s head in, (mostly because it’s illegal but partially because she probably knows some evil chick cop karate and will put me in hospital), I walk up to the flat tires and kick them as hard as I can.

MC: ‘So, what do you intend doing about this??’
M: ‘About what…about fixing the tires…or solving the crime…or exacting bloody, murderous revenge on the neighbours??'
CC: ‘About fixing the tires.’
M: ‘Well, I thought I might re-inflate them at some stage.’
MC: ‘When??’
M: ‘When it’s convenient.’
CC: ‘No, you need to fix them now, Sir…you can’t leave the trailer in an un-roadworthy condition on the street.’
M: ‘Well I have things to do so it will have to wait until I have time to do it.’
CC: ‘Well don’t be surprised if you return to find the trailer has been booked.’
M: ‘Excuse me?? Listen, Miss Marple…in case you haven’t worked it out I am the victim here of a crime…not that I expect you to commit any of your revenue-raising resources to solving it…but I am still the victim here.’
CC: ‘Well we will be back in a few hours to see if the trailer has been fixed…otherwise we will have to issue a…’
M: ‘Are you some sort of complete cunt??'
CC: ‘I beg your pardon, Sir.’
M: ‘Don’t beg my pardon…you heard what I said…and your big, shiny badge doesn’t mean you have a big, shiny vadge in my book.’
MC: ‘Sir, there’s no need to use that sort of language in front of the lady Constable.’
M: ‘She’s a fucking Cunt-Stable alright…a whole stable of cunts…it’s 9am on a Sunday morning, my trailer has been vandalized and she’s giving me lip.'
MC: ‘Sir, I won’t tell you again about using that sort of language.’
M: ‘Oh go fuck yourself…what a pair of cunts you two are.’

Fast-forward two hours to Cunt Point Police Station, where I have been taken and charged with using offensive language, issued a fine and told I may appeal both in court should I choose to bother…

Crime Scenario 2: Tiger Woods apparently lies bruised in his bed, his wife having allegedly taken exception to the news he was cheating on her and expressed some feelings of her own on his head with his very own one-wood. Meanwhile his car is outside the house nestled against a tree, the windows smashed and another golf club lying nearby. The Florida Highway Patrol is at the entrance to the gated community where Tiger Woods lives, but investigators are told he is unavailable...please come back later…


Jen said...

Maybe if you'd had enough money to buy yourself extra time and a high priced lawyer to make up some bullshit excuse for you, things would have turned out differently.

Ute said...

"M: ‘She’s a fucking Cunt-Stable alright…a whole stable of cunts...

Oh, I have just got to try and find a situation where I can use that line. =))

xl said...

For proper Arkansas hillbilly ambiance, the trailer should be up on blocks.

Memphis Steve said...

Cursing in the presence of an American cop is a Taserable offense (as is pretty much everything.) I admire your courage, as well as your verbal creativity, but you should never come to America. They'll light you up and then charge you with resisting arrest, and all over a pair of fucking flat tires that Nicole Kidman probably vandalized while in a drunken stupor. See, this is yet another reason that you need me living in your garage, so that I can watch over your boat and beat the living shit out of any vandalous movie star neighbors while you're sleeping.

Thud said...

I admire your spirit but not your judgement....they are pretty thick by and large and you can run rings around them if you choose. Restraint and logic are called for next time.

unique_stephen said...

Are you an orifice-er or a cunst-able?

fingers said...

jen: I know what you mean but I think it's a black/white thing. Black people always get a much fairer go from the cops. It's all a bit unfair.

ute: Let your tires down and wait for them to silly cunt.

xl: The stupid thing is there is a fucking boat that looks not unlike that a few hundred metres away from my slick package and no one gives a rat's ass about it.

MS: I hate the cops. I really, really loathe them. I know most of them are OK but the few I've had dealings with are nothing more than bullies too cowardly to go and get in real harm's way, so they think they can order 'soft targets' around. Fuck them.

Thud: What's the point in being clever if they're too dumb to get the joke ?? I'd rather call them a cunt and pay the fine...coz I can. Fuck them.

US: Funnily enough at Cunt Point Piggery there is a sign over the front desk that says 'No, we don't have anything better to do'...

Ute said...

By the way, you spelt Tyre wrong! =p

Kitty said...

Smoopie, I have indicated (with tedious repetition) that i would enjoy an outing on your fucking McBoat.

Everytime you want me to smoke your bat, you imply it will lead to a harbour jaunt. Much sucky sucky has ensued, but still, no boaty boaty.

I have made a nice pair of earrings from your faggoty fuckin' air-valves, bitch.

Happy Birthday Baby!!

mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah

Mone said...

Never open the door at 9am on a Sunday, what an ungodly time.


LMFAO@ Kitty!

xl said...

Happy Birthday.

Jayne said...

We got stopped by a bunch of flatnoses in cop uniforms yesterday. One bike was licenced & registered & ours wasn't - it also didn't have a number plate. Not a fucking squeak outa the cop, apart from "where is the United Arab Emirates??" when shown the licences. Dozy fuckers.

Taking the cue from Kitty & assuming she knows you well enuff to let us other plebs get in on the act........Happy Birthday Fingers :-D xoxoxox

Bad Bob said...

You could have used the line that there is air in the tires, just not enough to make the flat spots go away.

I heard on the radio that Tiger will soon be on his way to the jewelers to get a Kobe.
What's a Kobe you ask?
A ring that costs as much as a house.
Trouble in paradise is all I can say. Gold digging cunts.

Shelly Rayedeane said...

All I See are a pair of running shoes.

Grazor said...

You can't win an argument with a cop. They're either too thick to see your point, or too much of a jobsworth to want to. You're lucky CC didn't pull out her nightstick and shove it up your arse, spraying a generous dose of mace in your face for good measure. Still - I'd have had a laugh reading about it on your blog. :D

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers: Hi honey.

All fem cops are cunts. I should know. I was one for about a year and a half.

If it was me, when I was a police woman and you said those smart ass remarks to me. Oh baby you would be frisked...asked why you had a big bat in your pants. And tossed into the back seat of my cruiser...woo.

I love back seat interrogations.

Happy belated birthday sweets.
Ciao honey. xxx

emma said...

Did you think they were strippers called to celebrate your birthday one day early?

Steph said...

My dad and my brother were coppers so go fuck yourself you slimy old git.

I let the tyres down and I'd like to deflate your head too..........if I could find a big enough hammer!!

Happy birthday you prick.

Memphis Steve said...

Wow, it's a relief to see that I'm not the only one taking a beating from Steph. Seeing this, I can hardly wait for my own birthday in a few months. She'll probably blow up my musclecar.

Memphis Steve said...

And Happy Birthday, once again. As if saying it twice without giving any presents means twice as much, eh?

unique_stephen said...

p.s: happy birthday prick.
Hope you can get your candle up long enough to have it blown out.

fingers said...

ute: I'm only going to say this once; I do not make spelling mistakes.

Kitty: Pooks I did not say if you smoked my bat I would take you out for a harbour cruise. I said if you kept trying to break into my unit I would dump your saggy carcass off North Head.

Mone: I bet that's a German phobia.

Jiney: They probably thought you were gods on that Harley.

BB: Watch all the slags come out of the woodwork now claiming to be Tiger's mistress.

Grazor: The chick cop that was giving me lip was standing there with one hand permanently on her hip so that her little cop gun and little cop handcuffs and little cop walkie talkie was visible. Silly cunt.

Spiker: I was wearing boxers and a T-shirt; not much room to hide a weapon.

emma: Hehehehe, you know I actually thought it might have been a prank at one stage.

Steph: I don't care if your father was J Edgar Hoover...I don't like pigs.

MS: Yeah she's really got her rags on about something. I know she had her heart set on winning the competition to find a new weathergirl that a local TV station was ruunning. Perhaps getting overlooked for that position has crushed her.

All: And thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes. Since I didn't mention it here I presume you are all creepy stalkers on FB...

Kitty said...

oh the tiger issue, why is all the 'media' accosting the so-called unsubstantiated 'mistress' about being a 'homewrecker'.

pardon me, but isn't it actually tiger who is in fact married with chil'rens?

personally, i believe it to be him, and him alone that has earned that unsavory title.

the stupid cunt.

Steph said...

You don't like pigs? I always knew you hated yourself deep down inside.


El-Kevo said...

What kind of language did they expect to hear in Cunt Point ?

Kitty said...

hey fingers how about all those slags?

oh, oh no sorry! how about all those 'transgressions'??

hmmmm. tiger?

more like cheetah!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers babe, I think the wifey is real golfer in the family. I mean I hear she has a hell of a swing with a # 2 iron. Personally I would have used a #9 iron...but what the hell...some golfers carry a #2 iron than a third wood.

When it comes to golf I'm really not that up on the sport, yah know. But I do believe that you had an affair with Tiger Woods fact.
later babe. xx

De Campo said...

You did what you had to do. Anything less would have raised more contempt in the heart of those swine bastards.

In other news, Birthday Acknowledged.

Pearl said...

See what happens when you're not an excellent golfer?


Really? You were booked for "language"?!


p.s. Happy Birthday!

Clyde said...

It's amazing how aggressive, arrogant people of wealth get when queried about something that doesn't bother them.
It is equally amazing how self important they become when they need the assistance of the same law enforcers when something happens beyond their own control.
Such a pity that you cant see that these same poor public servants would put themselves at risk on your behalf

Steph said...

Oh snap, Clyde! That's what I wanted to say between the swears and bile.

P.S Duck my friend, Fingers be a mean bitch when challenged.

*makes popcorn and takes a seat in the front row*

rage said...

Happy birthday you old bastard.

I agree that you probably wouldn't do all that well in America smarting off to the coppers like that. I will give you props for doing so-you have balls.

I don't really know what to say about Tiger. He was pretending to be someone he's not and just getting pussy from every soon-to-be-widow in the world.

Hopefully you did - or will get fucked or sucked off hard for your birthday.

fingers said...

Kitty: I reckon it's a bit strange that all these supposed mistresses of poor old Tiger are white. Do you think Tiger might be a racist as well as a cheetah ??

Steph: Champagne humour, Sad Flaps.

E-K: That's the other thing; in their line of work it's always surprising to see a cop blush at bad language. The cunts.

Spiker: I have heard you like to putt from the rough, baby.

DeC: Thank you, mate. I knew a soldier would understand the need to face might with might.

Pearl: As it happens I am an excellent golfer; perhaps I should have mentioned it to them.

Clyde: Well here's the thing, utter cunt. The cops have rarely, if ever, been of any fucking assistance to me. When I rang them to ask if they'd mind popping over to quieten down the drunken domestic dispute my neighbours were having at the tops of their lungs for over 2 hours a few months ago, they advised me to close my windows. When I reported my last scooter stolen, they sent me a lovely brochure entitled 'Coping With Loss'. When some moron accidentally parked their car across my driveway thinking it was a kerb, blocking any acess for 3 days, they informed me there was little they could but to call back if it was still there in a week. So, excuse me if I get a little aggravated at being harassed for being a victim of a crime and getting bullied by these do-nothing cunts.
Now, I think most of the cops are fine, but my experience with them has been nothing short of negative. It's a bit like commenters on a blog I suppose; most are fine but there's always a few cunts that aggravate me.

Steph: I guess if you and Clyde were cops, you'd be his smart-mouthed partner then.

rage: Did you just say you wished I'd get fucked...

rage said...


What, is having sex a bad thing?

fingers said...

rage: Oh mean you wish I'd get fucked in the nicer sense of the phrase...

rage said...

I wouldn't dare think otherwise...

Clyde said...

Oh, the rotten bastards---your own personal policeman didn't pop around to quiet the neighbours down---probabably attending to a pesky murder or death on the road--how inconvenient.
I would have thought that a self confessed genius like you would know that paking infringements in local streets, including across your drive are the jurisdiction of your local Council.
You would have thought that they would have called out the Swat team for your scooter but presuming correctly that you were dumb as dog shit, they sent you written information on how to cope---very remiss of them not to sent the Commissioner around with a trauma counsellor.
It appears as though your aggression can be fired up by simply disagreeing with your point of view---but of course you are always right.
No wonder the police found it offensive and took appropriate action.
Your actions seem to be those of a person who has had repeated "unsatisfactory" dealings with the constabulary.

But most of them are fine---not the tone of your post.

Oh, I don't mind commenters who disagree with me---it's refreshing to get another point of view

More popcorn Steph

fingers said...

Clyde, you pompous ass clown, who should I call to come quiten down my drunken fuckhead neighbours ?? I'm quite happy to go over there myself and shoot both those cunts in the face but that's illegal. Of course if I DO want the police to attend the scene, instead of asking politely, I'd be better off saying I was going round to their unit to kill them, which would probably solve the noise crisis but end up with me being the one arrested again.

And my point about the stolen scooter was not so much that I anticipated any real police work to get done; it was more that they are far too busy booking my scooter for things like the unpardonable crime of being left on the footpath, to actually go looking for it when it gets stolen.

Oh yes, and whilst I don't expect them to come round and tow the car blocking the fucking driveway, it would be nice if the same lazy pigs didn't then spend a morning forming a taxpayer-funded roadblock across Cunt Point Rd to allow Nicole Cunting Kidman to be whisked in and out of her house without the drama of suburban traffic jams that we mere mortals have to endure.

Steph, we're gonna need a bigger bag of popcorn...

xl said...

Is there any butter for the popcorn or was it all used on the pizza?

Jen said...

.....settles in to watch.....

Ute said...

*squishes in beside Jen & xl...with her comfy baggy t-shirt and bed socks..*

"Beer anyone?"

Jen said...

I'll take one thanks!

Memphis Steve said...

I've got popcorn stuck between my teeth. Being the American here, naturally I'm looking for someone to sue. Besides that, I'm enjoying the show, but Steph appears to have stepped out. I think she's off buying those God-awful shoes she mentioned earlier today. I love Steph, but those shoes she's got her eye on - yuck!

Clyde said...

Oh, there is no doubt that I would have called the police after 2 hours of screaming neighbours but given their resolution of closing windows, I would understand that they were probably busy and not plot my revenge on the next poor uniformed officer who happened to chat me for a transgression.
I do have some difficulty with the concept of you asking politely.

Your point about the scooter was that they didn't come running, especially after having the gall to book you for an offence involving the scooter---yep, that really makes sense to me.

So you don't expect them to come around to tow the car blocking your driveway----Ok, then why did you call them and why do you blame them for not dashing around to do your bidding---a little confusing.

Oh, I'm sure there is not quite the same amount of traffic jostling to catch a glimpse your good self when you are in residence at your abode---what an outlandish thing for the Police to do, assisting with traffic flow resulting in a lessor inconvenience to all bar you.
No wonder you have a problem with them.
I can totally understand your aggressive outbust of profanity and your lack of respect for the female officer

You have certainly proved me wrong.
All of this time I have thought that petulance was a trait exhibited only by prepubescent girls.

Steph said...

Haaaaaaaahahahahahaaaaaaaaahahahahbaaaaaaaahahahaha...*cough* *sniff* wait, I'm not finished, haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha.

P.S Memphis! Get back under the fucking house! Those shoes are the hottest item from the Louboutin spring collection you heathen!!

Fingers, I was gonna be a cop. Didn't like the uniform though.

EmmaK said...

‘Are you some sort of complete cunt??'
I simply don't understand how you thought saying that would smooth over the situation. You should have flirted outrageously with the female cuntstable or if necessary the male ...flashed your nuts and asked them if they wanted a rub. No maybe not ...that only seems to work for females who get out of being booked by flashing a pair of tits. Better luck next time.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Hi baby: there's more news on Tiger and his woody. Tiger's poor, poor (the real victim) wife, was only trying to beat some sense into her husband.

She was asked how many swings did she take on her (Mr. Cheater slime ball husband)...she counted to her self using her fingers as she thought of each swing...she got to 9 fingers then said...4 strokes. hehehe...a true golfer. BTW, that's par.

There is one porn star chick they said he had sex with. I swear it was not me. I haven't done an ART film since 2005. :0)

More news with Spiky Zora Jones...6O'clock on...KTLA, channel 9.


Sorry, I was feeling silly.

later honey. xxx

Spiky Zora Jones said...

memphis Steve...those shoes are awesome. And I've already asked Santa for them. I said I'd be real good if he did. :)

Seriously, Steph knows shoes...I mean look at them. *sigh* I can almost feel them on me...and how they make my legs look. Hello.

Who cares if at the end of the night my feet are killing's how a gal looks in them that counts.

Huh, Fingers baby, Ciao. xxx

fingers said...

Clyde: No mate, they're not too busy; that's the point. They're fucking lazy. I'm sure if La Kidman had called to say I was uncorking my red wines too loudly at a dinner party the cops would have my place surrounded in a heartbeat. My point about the scooter is that they are not really police anymore, they are not interested in finding my stolen scooter (and not just mine by the way; there is a gang in the east that is sytematically staking out suburbs and stealing unchained scooters). The cops are simply there to take a statement as a prelude to my making an insurance claim. Crime is not their problem anymore, it's mine...and my insurance company's. And no mate, the cops on the road block outside Kidman's are not there for the general convenience of the residents, nor to assist traffic flow, they are there to BLOCK traffic to a standstill for 10 minutes either side of Kidman's arrival/departure. As for the cop being male or female I couldn't give a rat's ass; she was rude, condescending and worst of all...a moron. That's why I was offensive.
Now Clyde, do you ever get sick of being wrong or have you just become used to being a cunt ??

Steph: What a coincidence; I was going to be a cop too. Don't like cops though.

Emmak: I didn't expect it to help matters, darling. I just hate being asked stupid questions by humourless planks. I'm sure had I made a light-hearted joke in response to the cop's inane line of questioning, he would have put on his po-face and said 'Are you trying to be funny ??', like a teacher scolding a naughty child. Fact is, I'm not impressed, nor more relevantly am I intimidated by cops...and when they are being cunts I like to tell them...

fingers said...

Spiker: Poor old Tiger !!! Do we really believe these seven skanks have sat on this multi-million dollar story for all this time without uttering a word until now ?? I don't think so. I mean, have a look at Mindy Lawton; what a low-class piece of dirt she is. Even John Daly at the lowest point in his career wouldn't put his ferret through her saggy hoop...

Memphis Steve said...

Shit, now I'm stuck under Steph's house. Wait, is that Kylie? Hey, Kylie's under here with me. Well, at least it won't be boring.

Fucking ugly shoes.

Memphis Steve said...

I got a bout of Louboutin eating bad Mexican food a week ago. I puked for 3 days. Speaking of puking ...

Memphis Steve said...

Speaking of cops, and bombing Fingers comments with random thoughts, 2 of my friends went into the police academy when I was in college. I was going to join them, but I wanted to wait until I'd finished my degree 'cause they said I'd make a lot more money and get promoted faster. I never did go, though. Now one of them is Secret Service, shielding the President from me.

Clyde said...

Fingers, I guess I am little thick and I do apologise for taking so long to get your point---although I don't think that you did explain it very clearly in your post---but through your comments I now have the story correct.
So ok, you don't like cops.
You are not impressed or intimidated by cops.
She was a condescending moron.
And that's why you were offensive.
Ah ha, got it now.

It had nothing at all to do with you being a foul mouthed, egotistical, misogynist dolt.

Oh, hang on---did you say that you were offensive ?----never

fingers said...

MS: I don't understand why anyone would even eat bad Mexican food ?? I don't even like good Mexican food. You're clearly an idiot.

Clyde: Apology accepted. It's not your fault you're a cunt...

Memphis Steve said...

Steph already established that, but thank you for not calling me a cunt.

Clyde said...

Ha --- pretentious egocentric extraordinaire

fingers said...

MS: I'm sure I'll get round to that shortly.

Clyde: When I logged on to FB this morning, right there in the top right section it was suggesting you'd make a nice friend for me. Seriously. 'Clyde' even had the Tassie Devil avatar. With the click of a mouse you and I could be FB buddies. NOT.GOING.TO.HAPPEN...

Clyde said...

Ha ha ha
Oh, that is hurtful--
Just as long as you understand that it was a message generated by Facebook, not a friend request from me---I've been getting them for months.

Hey, you keep saying Cunt like it is a bad thing

Memphis Steve said...

Sorry, as if to prove my idiocy, I posted a comment and then deleted it.

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