Monday, April 12, 2010

you won't see this in the ads...

Now, as to the straw that broke our marital camel’s back and led us to this point…
Sadly, the bed-action was a major concern in more ways than one; I could deal with the sex drought we had been experiencing…even though it was threatening to become full-blown climate change.
Ironically it was the increasingly regular Great Floods that threatened to tear us apart; my wife used to pee in the bed…
Specifically, she used to come home after a big night out, full of pills and vodka, then fall asleep and wet the bed. Now, I loved her dearly…and the bed-wetting was not intentional, nor symptomatic of any deep-rooted emotional condition. She just couldn’t control her bladder after a massive night out !!! At this stage I should point out that there are good wet-spots and bad wet-spots in bed. I don’t much like sleeping on either…but given the choice I would much rather lie in a small pool of my own jizz than a lake of someone else’s pee. I suspect most people other than Germans feel the same way.
My wife would fall into bed and literally pass out with a cocktail of date-rape ingredients steadily fermenting inside her, then some time in the middle of the night she would quietly evacuate her bladder.
I imagine that seen from overhead, without the blankets covering her, she must have looked like a little angel lying there so peacefully; like a Snow-Angel…except surrounded by a halo of her own urine. A Pee-Angel if you like. At some point, when her warm little halo cooled, she’d roll over seeking drier, warmer pastures…and I’d wake up with her clamped to my thigh like a limpet.
The next day she would dutifully scrub the mattress with disinfectant after which I would drag it out on to the balcony and let it dry. The Japanese building owners frowned on even leaving beach towels draped on the balconies, yet strangely the matter of our mattress being out there once a month didn’t seem to draw much attention.
Then one day whilst out shopping for groceries with my wife, I saw a potential solution to our problem; adult disposable nappies…oversized plastic diapers…’Huggies’ for Big People.
My wife totally embraced the idea of wearing one when she was off her face in bed, thought it was marvelous in fact and couldn’t wait to try one out. The problem was that what she agreed to when sober was one thing…getting her to put a nappy on when drunk and stoned was another proposition entirely.
Our first live test came a few days later, when my wife rang me at work to say she was going out with her girlfriends and that they would be clubbing and she would be home quite late. No problem…I encouraged her to go dancing with her friends…since it got me out of having to do it.
So that night I waited for my little Pee Angel to come home; I waited and waited and waited. Then at 1-00am I went to bed after first dead-locking the front door and taping her adult nappy to the exterior of it, along with a lovely note explaining what she needed to do before I let her in. There were only two units on each floor of the building and they were on opposite sides, so privacy was never going to be an issue.
At 4-00am my wife staggered home and woke me with her furious banging on the front door, so I got out of bed and went to greet her.
Looking through the spy-hole I could see she was still fully dressed and also utterly spannered, so I put on my best Little Red Riding Hood voice and asked ‘Who is it ??’
She answered in her best Linda Blair voice, ‘You fucking know damn well fucking who it fucking is so let me in you fucking cunt.’
‘Have you got your ‘Huggy’ on like we agreed ??’
‘No I don’t have my fucking ‘Huggy’ on and I’m not fucking putting it on you fucking cunt.’
‘Why not, baby ??’
‘Coz it’s fucking embarrassing and you fucking know it.’
‘No…embarrassing is hanging the mattress out to dry each month. This is what we agreed we’d try instead.’

‘You open this fucking door now you fucking cunt.’
‘OK…I’ll put the fucking nappy on…there I’m putting it on…are you happy now you fucking asshole ??’
‘Darling I can see you through the peep-thingy…and you’re still fully dressed.’
‘Open this fucking door or I’ll kill you.’
‘Put your ‘Huggy’ on and you can come in.’

After about ten minutes of negotiations she took off her clothes and put her ‘Huggy’ on, leaving her club-wear in a pile outside the door. I then opened the front door and she steamed in…giving me the finger as she walked past then ripping off her nappy and throwing it to the floor as she strode down the hall and promptly fell into bed.
In less than a minute she was asleep, by which time I had collected her discarded clothing plus the unused ‘Huggy’ and joined her in the bedroom, where I lifted up her fabulous ass and lovingly put the nappy on as though she were a child; a fifty-two kilogram, unconscious child.
The next morning we awoke to find her ‘Huggy’ full but the mattress completely dry…
‘Oh Fingers this worked perfectly…I’m so glad I put my ‘Huggy’ on last night before I went to bed.’
‘Yes, baby…you were just adorable about it all…’


xl said...

"other than Germans"


EmmaK said...

I never knew Germans liked rolling in pee. I do know they have reality shows about who has the fastest sperms though

I don't get it i just don't get it - if i regularly peed in our bed our marriage would be finished kaputt locks changed etc. Am I wrong in thinking your tolerance for her pissing is somewhat unusual? Personally I would have made her sleep in the bath or not with me.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Ahahahaha. Hi honey, this was a fun and funny post. I can't believe you made her put one on before you opened the door. Always agree with a drunk then you do what you need to do later.

Once an ex girlfriend threw up in my kitchen sink and accused me of doing it. I have to admit I was naked when I woke up and didn't remember removing my clothes but I do remember coming home with her in tow...and another thing I do remember, I hadn't eaten chinese food in about 7-8 weeks. But let me say one thing if she had peed in my bed...she would be flying out my front door ass over tea-cups.

Peeing in the bed is ewwwwwww!

Did you ever consider putting plastic sheets before the fitted sheets?

just asking.

later sweetie...good post baby. xxx

Steph said...

I have so been there! I had a boy who peed in my bed TWICE, the first time he was spooning me and I felt the warm rush all over my arse and back, the second time he had to remove my stiletto from his forehead because that shit is not on!!

I threw my mattress away both times and made him fork out for new ones before I dumped his soggy arse, which is exactly what you should have done!!

fingers said...

xl: 'Nein, nein...Ninety-nine.' *My favourite ever Get Smart line*.

Emmak: I just naturally assume the worst of the Germans. As for the bed-wetting, I hardly approved or enjoyed it, however I did adore my wife at this point in life, and she didn't do it on purpose. Funny you mentioned sleeping in the bath, coz she sometimes volunteered to do that if she suspected a leak was probable. Anyway, all this is designed to reinforce the idea that SHE LEFT ME and to give you some idea of my cuntery...

Josh said...

Ok, that was funny and remarkably tolerant of you. The thought of arguing with a drunk chick about putting on a nappy is just gold.

Stephs comment however had me nearly piss myself and gag at the same time...sorry but you got trumped in one paragraph right there!

rage said...

Great post. I had an ex-boyfriend who used to sleep walk while drunk and pee in various places in his bedroom. He sure could have used a Huggy.

Your wife seemed so pleasant throughout the whole ordeal. At least when she figured out that she didn't wet the bed.

Memphis Steve said...

Now THIS was a masterpiece! Not just the diaper, but the whole thing. You are back on form, Mr. Hemmingway!

Jayne said...

You must've been a real bastard or done something (probably more than once) to warrant your declaration of being an utter cunt, because you were quite happy to your soggy mattrass to the world on numerous occasions & put up with all her pissing, even if it was while she was unconscious..............
So Fingers, what did you do wrong? You must have done something you deemed worthy of enough guilt to let the missus get away with everything hmmm?

Jayne said...

*display* (your soggy mattrass)

Kitty said...

there are men at my work who pay handsomely to have a dummy shoved in their gob, a nappy put on them, and then spanked for being 'a naughty baby'.

some of them want to even shit in the nappy and be changed, while they go 'goo goo gah gah' and wave their arms around.

i'm serious!

89 kilo hairy babies.


EmmaK said...

You don't seem like a cunt at all. After all you accepted her for a while diapers and all. A saint maybe! I think you just got together because you had 'chemistry' and it went south pretty rapidly. The fact she left you is irrelevent - surely you would have kicked her out eventually once the smell of piss drove you demented?


I laughed my head off at this post[sorry]. I could never take anyone serious who peed the bed and or needed a nappy.

Fanny said...

Your cats seem worse than your ex in matters of pissing and shitting in inappropriate places. Well, so far, at least.

The Lyrical Designer said...

This was funny, sad, disgusting all rolled into one.

while i was tempted to feel sorry for you. I shant.


fingers said...

Spiker: No, I never once considered sleeping on plastic sheets. That's the thin end of the special needs wedge. Next thing you're using rubber cutlery and having your food cut up for you.

Steph: I'm now fanatsizing about spooning you. With a big wooden spoon.

Josh: Yeah, I'm hoping when I finish the manuscript she can do a quick edit and add a few REALLY good laughs to it.

Rage: Stay tuned, baby. You're gonna love the next post.

MS: Thanks mate. I've told this story many times over the years with friends. I've been dying to get it down on paper for ages.

Jiney: Hi there Grammy. The question of just how special a cunt I am/was is intended to hang in the air for a bit while I describe some of the atrocities committed against me. That said, I stand by my assertion that she was correct in leaving me.

Kitty: Gee, who'd have expected weirdos to turn up at a brothel ??

Emmak: Hardly a saint. She had some wondeful qualities too...but who wants to hear about THEM ??

Uber: You're supposed to laugh. I'm not writing 'Schindler's Fucking List' here.

Fanny: Yes, I can't wait for the time when I am reduced to putting nappies on my Bengals. Then my life will be truly complete.

LD: No all means feels sorry for me. I really need a big hug right about now...

Kitty said...

i'm not surprised re steph's boyfriend and his warm rushing whilst spooning her.

i just THINK about her arse and i get a warm rush myselfs.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

come on...don't act as if you never brought out the gerbils and put on the rubber sheets. :0)

The plastic sheets would have saved your marriage...yeah you would have swimmed in urine (ewwww) each night she was out with the girls but you would have kept your wife. Maybe...sort of if you weren't too much of a cunt. Ummm...or vice versa.

anyway...later dude.

Ciao babe. xxx

Spiky Zora Jones said...

I'm sad...kitty is gone now. :(


...for reals.

Electro-Kevin said...

I pissed the bed on our honeymoon.

I murmured something about 'turn the river off' and just did it.

Spent the next morning washing the motel sheets, and just turned the mattress over hoping that no-one would find it.

The Lyrical Designer said...

too bad. Moment gone. yup.

....there's an this blog....hmmm...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Finger babe. i have a few question.

First question, when the wife emptied her bladder on your bed...didn't that piss you off?

And secondly fingers...are you a middle child.

just asking cause antipodean minds want to know. :0)

later babe. xxx

fingers said...

Kitty: Hey, what happened to your blog ?? Oh noes...*cries*...are you OK ?? Big hug...MWAH...kiss my ass.

Spiker: Better to have loved and lost than to sleep on plastic sheets.

E-K: Precisely my point, mate. You're still happily married and I'm single.

LD: Yeah sure. You'll be back.

Spiker: No and no...

Ms Smack said...

Hilarious post, luv, I laughed aloud and all! LOL

Is this the crack whore that hitched rides with truckies?

I'm waiting for that story LOL



I was apologising for my delight in picturing you swimming in pee.
That's gruesome yet kinda lovely !

fingers said...

Smack: Thanks mate. I get a warm trickle down my leg when people tell me I make them laugh.

Uber: Then you're gonna love the next little story I have on the writing board...

Madam Z said...

Your stories about your marital travails are fascinating to me. I usually tend to side with the woman in a failed marriage, but in your case I side with you. Of course, I don't know the wife's side of the story. In any event, I can't imagine any man I have ever known being so amazingly tolerant of and patient with a wife who regularly comes home so wasted that she passes out and pisses the bed. You are an angel and she is a prick.

Ms Smack said...

"You are an angel" I respect Madame Z, but people, take note. That's probably the first time and last time you'll see those words here.

mushroom said...

A squirter eh??

EmmaK said...

You know what annoys me - novelists who won't be commercialized whereas I would happily publish a novel paid for by honda with glossy ads on every second page. So why not contact Depends or similar aussie incontinence pants manufacturer to fund your venture?? After all they have tried to 'normalize' women who pee in beds/pants see here

Apparently there are a lot of pissing women about !!

Sweet Cheeks said...

Horrific, Baby.