Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Of course deep down I knew my mate had to be kidding !!!
I mean what sort of a complete helmet would risk such a pyrrhic victory over the possibility, or even probability of getting his ass handed to him for no real gain ??
Was he expecting the Guinness World Records cameras to be there as we rolled into Lane Cove on the last remaining molecule of petrol…or a tickertape parade through the CBD…or to receive the Nobel Prize for Stupidity ??

‘Um, mate…there’s a servo on the left about half a kilometre down the highway…can you please pull in there for gas ??’
‘No, I hate that place. ‘The Rock’…why the fuck do they have a petrol station shaped like Ayers Rock on the Pacific Highway anyway ?? I’m not stopping there.’
‘Oh right…you wouldn’t buy petrol from there but you’d probably try jumping it in this van if I said you couldn’t do it ??’


OK, no drama; there were two more major stations on the freeway before we hit the no petrol zone about 80 kilometres from Sydney, by which time we’d have the flashing orange dashboard light going crazy and besides, it’s clearly marked with a big, fuck-off sign saying ‘LAST PETROL ON FREEWAY FOR ANY OF YOU CLEVER CUNTS THAT THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT ON YOUR RESERVE TANK !!!’

Fifty kilometers later there was only one major station left as we sailed past the next servo at precisely 120 kph with roughly 1/3 of a tank left and nearly 150 kilometres to go to Sydney.
Seventy kilometers later we sailed past the last servo, still doing precisely 120 kph but now with roughly 1/5 of a tank left and nearly 80 kilometres to go to Sydney.

‘You’re an idiot…and I’m not lifting a finger to help when we run out of petrol.’
‘Mate, there’s still 1/5 of a tank left and we have 80 kilometres to go and I’m sure this van gets more than 400 kilometres to a tank so we’re fine.’
‘What about if there’s congestion ahead and we have to crawl for a while...you’re assuming it’ll be a clear run into Sydney…’
‘We’ll be fine.’
‘Well at least slow down a bit. Fuel consumption increases as the square of the increase in speed…so, if you drive twice as fast you actually use four times as much fuel to do it.’
‘Bullshit. Then why do use more fuel driving round town than you do on the freeway?? Who told you that??’
‘It’s basic physics. Stephen Hawking told me, you cunt. I know you do more driving than him but I think he might have you covered on the theoretical side of this problem.’


Needless to say, the remaining 1/5 of the tank began to evaporate before our eyes. You could actually see the fuel gauge visibly sagging with each passing kilometre…and with more than 30 kilometres still to go the needle finally came to rest on the little plastic nub which pretty much prevents it from falling off the dial completely…

Now, as it turned out we didn’t actually run out of petrol. We did however spend an extra 30 minutes fucking around off the freeway frantically looking for a suburban station outside Sydney, when we could have refueled earlier in five minutes flat.
I’m sure my mate is over on his blog crowing about his ‘win’, citing Google Map distances and average speeds and jerking himself off with generous amounts of Hindsight Lube…but the point is this…
If you’re the racing manager of the Ferrari F1 team, then perhaps there’s some benefit in having your vehicle arrive at its final destination with a teaspoon of gas left in the tank…but when you’re a moron in a furniture van trying to get home in Sunday afternoon traffic on a freeway…IT’S JUST FUCKING ANNOYING…

43 comments:

unique_stephen said...

So you didn't get to fill up at the servo in Wahroonga - where I grew up.

fingers said...

US: That sounds like a hoot of a childhood. Living in a servo...

Bambam said...

I won't point out the inaccuracies in your version, as you never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

I will, however, apologise on your behalf for the delay in releasing the conclusion to this scintillating tale, and leave them with your quote when I told you to hurry up with Part II:

"I am a master craftsman... not a note scribbler... and I don't feel obliged to satisfy my fans' ravenous hunger for my art".

Now, everyone sing along with me (to the tune of 'Simply Irresistable') ... You're Totally Delusional!!!

xl said...

Playing chicken with the gas gauge always makes me nervous. During the "gas crisis" of 1973, had to drive all the way across Arizona (think Outback geography) on one tank as there was none for sale. Twice actually as it was a round-trip between Texas and California.

fingers said...

Bam: And I'd like to leave them with your priceless reply on Reuters Chat this morning after I made that quote.

Fingers: well i am a master craftsman...not a note scribbler...and i dont feel obliged to satisfy my fans ravenous hunger for my art...so they can just swivel...

Bammers: oh god listen to yourself Trotsky

Fingers: i think you mean tolstoy...trotsky didnt write much

Bammers: just testing

Uh huh...

fingers said...

xl: Yes, I remember reading John Steinbeck's account of your heartbreaking journey. Or was it Trotsky...

Bambam said...

Yeah, I probably meant to say Tolstoy, as he is the most famous Russian author, but Trotsky was a prolific writer on Marxist theory ... or did someone else write "History of the Russian Revolution" in 1930?

I believe you can find "Writings of Leon Trotsky", a 14-volume set of his note-scribblings from 1929-1940 if your library is boring enough.

It would have only been funny to mock my ignorance if I had said someone who wasn't a writer...

fingers said...

Bam: So, just to put this all in perspective. After blatantly mistaking Trotsky and Tolstoy, you went and Googled Trotsky to discover he had indeed written volumes of political tripe which almost no one but political science students have ever read, in order to save some face. Yeah, nothing much wrong with you, mate...

Bambam said...

Fingers: "Trotsky didn't write much."

Fingers: "he wrote volumes of political tripe."

Maybe you should Google your answers too!

xl said...

Trotsky won the coveted Mexican Critic's Pick Award in 1940.

fingers said...

Bam: The theme at the time was master craftsman/writers. Trotsky had all the writing skills of The Unabomber and the same sort of readership. Let it go !!!

xl: Yes, a prestigious award for sure considering there were 3 literate Mexicans in the country in 1940...

Bambam said...

Be careful xl, not only is Fingers a PhD in Russian literature, he also holds a Masters in Mexican history.

Memphis Steve said...

BWA HA HA HA!!! So he DID make it. Well, I probably wouldn't have done it, but I'll bet there's a certain satisfaction with knowing how much it's annoying you that probably spurred him on.

Clyde said...

I'm not going to make a habit of this, but I have to agree with you.
Why even try to make it ?
Isn't life all about comfort and peace of mind.
You must try the same trick next time you take him out in the boat

UBERMOUTH said...

I am with 'Grumpy' this time. Who needs the aggro...of...a....friend...like....BAM! ? lol

JLee said...

"Hindsight Lube"...better than KY!

Sweet Cheeks said...

I'm disappointed.
I was hoping you'd run out...
;-)

Bad Bob said...

I'm with Sweet Cheeks. Too bad you didn't run out. Then you'd have something to remind him of forever. He almost sounds like a relative of the "Brain".
You certainly don't do that in the airplane, even if you know you'll have enough.

blinder said...

"rolled into Lane Cove..."

Bugger missed it... I just spent the last week (7th-14th) in Lane Cove (Staying with a mate who lives just off Longueville Rd

Great spot - nice views of harbour bridge etc - Ate at the La Pizzaria couple of times, knocking back a few beers watching the locals - Nice!

You weren't one of those poser business types boarding the "private" ferry into the CBD while I was running my fat arse around the bottom of Lane Cove??

Electro-Kevin said...

I did a similar thing on my moped when I was a kid. Chucked a lighted match in the tank to see if I'd really used all the fuel up ... with results as lamentable as they were predictable.

Went back home with no eyebrows and asked bro' "D'ya think Mum'll notice ?"

fingers said...

MS: I don't know what annoyed me more: the attempt or the fact he didn't run out of gas.

Clyde: Yeah, that's got to be annoying too. I can't think of anything worse than having to agree with me on stuff.

Uber: The tide of informed opinion is definitely with me now.

JL: Lather up.

SC: There'll be other opportunities for epic failures. Bam Bam's petulance and stubborness almost guarantees it.

BB: I'm hardly a conservative person but why anyone would get on a freeway with just enuff gas to get home under optimal conditions is really quite beyond me. Surely there are bigger thrills to be had.

blinder: Would you have commented if we'd rolled into Northbridge or Cammeray ??

E-K: I think the only other person I've seen do that is Homer Simpson...

unique_stephen said...

I used to ride my bike to that servo when I was 14 or 15 to buy condoms to fuck a chick from Warrawee who'd walk up and meet me in the park just over the line from there.

Ah the mammaries.

Ms Smack said...

"jerking himself off with generous amounts of Hindsight Lube" I love how you create these pieces of magic!

xx

blinder said...

"Would you have commented if we'd rolled into Northbridge or Cammeray ??"

Probably not. Are they nice places??

Happy just reading and laughing at the Yin/Yang posts between you and Bambam.

No point commenting just to score a point unless I got something worth saying - unless that's what you want?

emma said...

hmmm all that build up and then.....fizzle....

it's 'avatar' all over again.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Hi baby. So after all of that worrying, your buddy was right after all? And you worried for nothing. Now don’t you feel silly? But…maybe we can make some money out of this. I’m always looking for an opportunity to make money. No not for me, for charity. We…you, me and Bammers could start a show with stuff just like this.

I have some ideas and I’m already brainstorming ideas. Like…how many zaps does it take for a person to pass out, pee, and crap their pants. These are purely for educational purposes of course. Another idea, the two of you dress up as ladies and go to a lesbian bar. I know Sydney has one. Um…*cough* So, I’ve heard. Anyway…see how many gals each one of you can pick up.

What-cha think? It would be a fabulous show. And we would be making lots more than Charlie what’s his name of “Two and a Half Men.”

Let’s do lunch…M’kay.
(((Smooches)))

JLee said...

ps
that pic at the top of the post was an exact conversation I had with my friend Jacq. ;)

Madam Z said...

Wait a minute...are you sure that wasn't ME at the wheel? It sounds like something I would have (and have) done, but I don't remember being in Australia recently.

Madam Z said...

P.S. I sure wish I had some of that "Hindsight Lube."

Kitty said...

i already heard the whole story at the pub at neutral bay.

see, i guess if you'd said you rolled into neutral bay i could have commented better...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

baby...Two words.

MUD WRESTLING. :)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers babe: Okay lets'e get this place popping. Let's play a game.

What group back in the late 60s sang...

"and if she should tell you...I love you.
and if she tempts you with her charms...

tell her..."WHAT"?

Come on, you know the answer...I'll come back to give you a hink if you don't guess.
xxx

Spiky Zora Jones said...

does anyone know?

fingers said...

Yes, it's The Zombies...and I think they ate your brain...

Spiky Zora Jones said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers babe: yes, it's the zombies and they say...tell her NO!

Grace slick, an original band member of The Jefferson Airplane wrote and sang the mega hit.."white rabbit' and she was what is known as a 'mean drunk biotch' when she hit the booze bottle hard.

True or flase?

if you win this catagory you win a free trip to Sydney Australia...

you have 60 secondds to answer this question correctly.

...starting now.

Lana Banana said...

misery loves company--it's why i really enjoy coming here.

emma said...

Can you please do that accents thing that is doing the rounds? I'm dying to hear what you sound like. I've long suspected you are really Lizzie Birdsworth from 'Prisoner'.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

I just came by to say a prayer and leave flowers. I see your either dead or napping. I could say I miss yah and want to kiss yah, and hold you from dust until dawn. but you know when you wake up...I'll be gone.

I have to hurry but don't you worry...I'll be back but now I have to make some cash.

I'll be back because fingers baby...mi piaci. ciao.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Long, long ago, there once was a blog whose magical author could weave witty stories with sharp tongued insults and boastful cuntiness.

Then, one day, a hush fell over the blog and it became without posts - lost in hollowed silence as the fabric of time continued on without it.

It is said that the magician became ill from his own commenters who seem to have no ability to spell and are grammatical train wrecks.

Others insist he simply ran out of tales to tell. I refuse to believe such nonsense.

Vicious rumors abound that Facebook and Twitter have poisoned the magician.

Could this be why he is lost to us?

I think the magician is hard at work, and one day he will post again.

But when? I cannot say.

A blogging genius is not to be rushed - is he?

UBERMOUTH said...

Remember: Nobody leaves the firm!

UBERMOUTH said...

You're such a comment tease! Every time I get a new comment from you I rush over hoping it signifies a new post!!!!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

wake up...The calla lilies are in bloom again. :)