Monday, August 07, 2006

but what does IT all mean...


So, you’re after a highly paid job in a prestigious, skilled industry but completely lacking in any of the necessary qualifications??
Don’t despair; the industry you’re looking for just might be IT??
IT is just one example of a small group of two-lettered-acronyms that make up what I call ‘The Black Art Professions’. Like its shadowy cousins, PR and HR, IT boasts a huge cast of personnel with seemingly no specific education, and little or no previous relevant employment experience, doing a variety of vague, meaningless tasks in return for wheelbarrows full of cash.
No one except themselves claims to know exactly what these strange people do, and you’d be no clearer after interrogating them on the subject, or reading their mysterious, title-heavy business cards. They are like ninja; some good, some bad, willing to work for any employer prepared to amply reward them for their little-understood talents.
Perhaps I can inspire you with this illustration of how simple it would be to turn yourself into an IT engineer ??
The other day, I was busily working away on my network PC, when the keyboard jammed, the mouse locked up and the screen froze solid with the image of a naked woman in an improbable position, a large dildo embedded firmly in her ass.
I had unknowingly stumbled onto a pornographic website, after accidentally typing www.filthydirtbagswhotakeitineveryorifice.com into my address bar, when I meant to type www.semigovbonds.org.au, and then unwittingly hit the ‘download/save’ button while I was trying to use the escape key….
Anyway, for reasons I don’t even pretend to understand (although I suspect cyber-karma may have something to do with it), my PC ceased to function. All the usual diagnostic keys failed to respond to my deft touch, the system completely ignored repeated, simultaneous bashings of the Control/Alt/Delete buttons with my fists, and the defiant screen continued to display the image of the naked-lady-acrobat, despite my attempts to cave in the monitor with a 5-iron.
Utterly defeated, I made the inevitable, shameful call to our technical department, explained the problem and was told it was a ‘Code Blue’; response time from the IT SWAT team was expected to be under two minutes.
Ninety seconds later, the Senior-Applications-Officer-Currently-On-Call (SAO-COC) arrived at my work-space carrying a clipboard containing a blank ‘Incident Report’ form. He wore jeans, a striped body-fitting rayon shirt I suspect belongs to his 12 year old brother, and cream-coloured, square-toed slip-ons made from some kind of hemp product. I gave him the usual $20 and he threw the ‘IR’ form in the recycle bin.
He stared at the still-frozen image willing it to disappear but the pornographic screen-saver stared right back. He tapped the ‘Esc’ button; nothing. He held down the ‘On/Off’ button for 5 seconds, the IT equivalent of administering a mega-dose of antibiotics; still nothing.
With a knowing frown and nod of the head he reached over and pulled the power plug out of the wall; that did the trick.
Then he plugged it back in, forcing the system to re-boot itself.
I was back working on my PC within a minute and our IT genius disappeared back into the office ether like a phantom…
We pay this cunt $250,000 per year...

13 comments:

Blonde Vigilante said...

Hey, he could have busted you for perving porn whilst working. I think his $250K is well worth it. But, what the fuck do I know? I'm just a lowly administrative assistant which as we all know is just a fancy word for secretary. I'm not trying to kid myself.

fingers said...

I suppose so...except that I'm the boss, BV.
Funny you should mention being an OA. So many trouts claim to be OAs these days, I was going to add the position to my list of Black Art Acronyms, except their duties aren't really a mystery, are they ??
OAs type stuff...

Odly Amore said...

"SAO-COC" - isn't that the game young boys are rumoured to play at boarding school? Hang on no, that is Soggy SAO.

You must be more careful when typing URLs into your address bar fingers, your computer mustn't like such misguided typos!

Original Mel said...

Fingers, if you pay me $250K a year I will not only unplug your computer for you everytime you get busted surfing for porn, I will also wear a short skirt and low cut top whilst doing so.

fingers said...

Odly: if I wasn't such a Luddite I'd have hyperlinked that silly URL to Mountjoy's site. Fuck...I should have got the geek to do it while he was here.

OM: I was once a cubicle lawyer, darling...so I KNOW that becoming my private, lap-dancing Control/Alt/Delete trout is actually a promotion. The offer is $100K plus a lift to work on the Stealth Vespa. Take it or leave it...

Original Mel said...

$175K plus a yearly bus ticket, Fingers my good man, is my lowest offer. There is no way I would EVER ride the Vespa - what would my friends say?

fingers said...

No can do, Mel.
Just blew my skank-budget after getting Paris Hilton to agree to come to the orifice XMAS party this year and wave...

Georgia said...

The Vespa is a world of fun. Now if you could organise to have the Vespa as ridden by a Jude Law lookalike I picked up in Greece when he invited me onto his scooter, you'd have the perfect mode of transport to get to work every day...

Rob Byrnes said...

You going to go for three in a row fingers?

I think "The Russian farting at the Opera" ditty has sufficient vintage to be a candidate.

Also, what exactly will Paris Hilton be waving?

Blonde Vigilante said...

Well, fuck it, if you're the boss, look at all the tits you feel the need to. I'd send you a picture of mine, but like I said, I'm just a secretary and well, that's really not in my job description.

welcome to wallyworld said...

You been in the nick or something Byrnes? We haven't seen you for a while. Or maybe you have a new monicker? You're not that "Skeeter" idiot currently posting all over the place are you? Email me you dick and I'll send you an interesting vid.

Oh yeah...Fingers, haven't we read this piece some place before?

fingers said...

Sorry gang...just dumping some old shit on the blog for posterity.
New stuff being brewed as we speak...

PS...send over the pics BV; we don't discriminate over here at TWG.
Any old bongos will do...

Rob Byrnes said...

Nah Lambe, just been very busy setting up my own business and also waging war against a crappily configured "Home Office" network.
Not skeeter.