Monday, August 07, 2006
but what does IT all mean...
So, you’re after a highly paid job in a prestigious, skilled industry but completely lacking in any of the necessary qualifications??
Don’t despair; the industry you’re looking for just might be IT??
IT is just one example of a small group of two-lettered-acronyms that make up what I call ‘The Black Art Professions’. Like its shadowy cousins, PR and HR, IT boasts a huge cast of personnel with seemingly no specific education, and little or no previous relevant employment experience, doing a variety of vague, meaningless tasks in return for wheelbarrows full of cash.
No one except themselves claims to know exactly what these strange people do, and you’d be no clearer after interrogating them on the subject, or reading their mysterious, title-heavy business cards. They are like ninja; some good, some bad, willing to work for any employer prepared to amply reward them for their little-understood talents.
Perhaps I can inspire you with this illustration of how simple it would be to turn yourself into an IT engineer ??
The other day, I was busily working away on my network PC, when the keyboard jammed, the mouse locked up and the screen froze solid with the image of a naked woman in an improbable position, a large dildo embedded firmly in her ass.
I had unknowingly stumbled onto a pornographic website, after accidentally typing www.filthydirtbagswhotakeitineveryorifice.com into my address bar, when I meant to type www.semigovbonds.org.au, and then unwittingly hit the ‘download/save’ button while I was trying to use the escape key….
Anyway, for reasons I don’t even pretend to understand (although I suspect cyber-karma may have something to do with it), my PC ceased to function. All the usual diagnostic keys failed to respond to my deft touch, the system completely ignored repeated, simultaneous bashings of the Control/Alt/Delete buttons with my fists, and the defiant screen continued to display the image of the naked-lady-acrobat, despite my attempts to cave in the monitor with a 5-iron.
Utterly defeated, I made the inevitable, shameful call to our technical department, explained the problem and was told it was a ‘Code Blue’; response time from the IT SWAT team was expected to be under two minutes.
Ninety seconds later, the Senior-Applications-Officer-Currently-On-Call (SAO-COC) arrived at my work-space carrying a clipboard containing a blank ‘Incident Report’ form. He wore jeans, a striped body-fitting rayon shirt I suspect belongs to his 12 year old brother, and cream-coloured, square-toed slip-ons made from some kind of hemp product. I gave him the usual $20 and he threw the ‘IR’ form in the recycle bin.
He stared at the still-frozen image willing it to disappear but the pornographic screen-saver stared right back. He tapped the ‘Esc’ button; nothing. He held down the ‘On/Off’ button for 5 seconds, the IT equivalent of administering a mega-dose of antibiotics; still nothing.
With a knowing frown and nod of the head he reached over and pulled the power plug out of the wall; that did the trick.
Then he plugged it back in, forcing the system to re-boot itself.
I was back working on my PC within a minute and our IT genius disappeared back into the office ether like a phantom…
We pay this cunt $250,000 per year...