Tuesday, August 29, 2006

a toast to the japanese...


As many of you are aware, I spent quite a long time living in Japan.
Generally I like the Japanese a lot however last week I encountered the lowest form of their culture; the Japanese tour group.
I was staying at The Grand Hyatt in Singapore, which serves a spectacular buffet breakfast every morning, when the trouble began.
You see, the hotel had one of those fabulous conveyor-belt toasters. You load the bread onto the rack, then while it journeys through the machinery, you have time to toddle off to the 'egg-station' and get a couple of freshly-cooked sunny-side-ups and a kilo of bacon from the 'pig-tray' before wandering back to claim your toast.
That's the theory anyway.
However, when I returned to the Toastmaster 5000, my toast had vanished. I peered hopefully into the 'out-basket' for another thirty seconds however in my heart I knew it was hopeless.
I looked around and saw a Japanese chick from a tour group with what was undoubtedly my toast, about two metres away ladling some scrambled egg onto her ill-gotten goodies.
Devastated by the thought of my congealing eggs/bacon but realistic about the chances of recovering my stolen toast, I reloaded with fresh bread, then ventured off to the juice-bar for an orange/apple/pineapple smoothie, only to return and find my toast had been pilfered again.
I was now livid; a quick glance down the counter and I'd identified the thief as yet another Japanese chick from the tour group.
The problem is that the average Tour Jap is so used to having everything done for them; they automatically assume that either there is someone invisibly loading bread into the toaster on their behalf, or that the toaster is a bit magical.
Anyway, I wasn’t really quite up for a round of ‘Listen you dopey, four-foot, slanty-eyed dolphin-basher…you have to put the fucking bread IN the fucking toaster before you can take the fucking toast OUT !!!’.
So, instead I slammed my now hardened eggs/bacon down on a table and stormed off to the hotel pharmacy; where I purchased a small bottle of ‘Stop N Grow’.
You know the stuff; that rancid shit you put on your nails to stop nibbling them.
Returning to the breakfast room, I grabbed six slices of bread, took them over to my table and seasoned them liberally with ‘Stop N Grow’.
I then loaded all six into the magic toaster and sat back to see what happened.
Sure enough, every last piece was hoovered by one or more of the marauding tour Japs.
I hope they choked on it…

17 comments:

Ms Smack said...

Thats hilarious!

I'm going to the Gold Coast, or Sunshine Coast, son or whatever the fuck it is... I might try that .. hehe.

nice work, bruv.

W said...

Heh heh heh. Brilliant and so so evil.

Original Mel said...

Sometimes I think you are wasted in your field of employ Fingers, and you should really be working as an evil mastermind and trying to take over the world.

And sometimes I think you just have too much time on your hands.

Mountjoy said...

Or should that be Dr.Fingers?

Odly Amore said...

I applaud your ventures in underhanded revenge.

fingers said...

Dear Smack, Mel and Odly...I certainly intend linking your wonderful sites to TWG, however my blog-bitch handles the admin in here and she's busy as a one-armed paper-hanger apparently.
Never fear though.
It will happen...

Georgia said...

Yes, I'll have to get the lovely Blogmeister on the case to add Mel's link to my blog too. Am such a Luddite...

WJ said...

I should also point out that fingers works for himself, so it isn't so much a question of being wasted in his field of employ, as being, just... wasted.

actonb said...

OMG! You mean they steal toast as well as tuna...?!

fingers said...

Yes.
There's a huge blackmarket for tuna-melts in Tokyo these days...

W said...

You know, all you have to do is send me an email request and I'll happily add sites.....

Georgia said...

I've lost your email address with the new email system that has been installed here! I'll get it off Fingers, the other equally useless technophobe...

Jin said...

Having worked & lived with Nips in darkest Africa (of all places) I can fully understand you wanting to get your own back on the toast theives! Your talent is wasted mate - get out there & get a book deal!
I'm also linking you to my blog if that's OK? (Tuff if it ain't!!)

fingers said...

Thank you, Jin.
Always nice to hear something like that. Sadly, the problem with my book-deal revolves around the thorny issue of my not having a book.
And BTW...you and Mel...I am flattered you think I'm wasted here but I do really, really, really important stuff for a living...

evil genius said...

Thats awsome!

What do you do? Or dare I ask?

I hope to one day pollute the entire water supply of a city with laxatives

fingers said...

I'm a money market dealer, EG.
Pure evil...

welcome to wallyworld said...

Mate, I had a flat-mate who did something similar. He warned me one morning not to drink the milk or use the butter - he was sick of our other flatmate pilfering his food so he peed in the milk and wiped his bum on the butter - yeah, you guessed it - other flat mate helped himself to the milk and spread his toast with the butter. Didn't notice a thing. It still troubles me.