Monday, October 23, 2006

and the geek shall inherit the earth...


The new work-venture is going swimmingly; better than I could have hoped for really however it’s always good to have options. Yesterday was a dull day in the markets, so I spent a good deal of time looking for a Plan B…career-wise.
The problem is, like most 45 year olds, I've discovered that I'm woefully unqualified for most of the good jobs out there in the real world. Of course, when I speak of good jobs, I refer to those which provide the maximum amount of remuneration for a minimum of actual work.
With nothing specific in mind, I recalled how some of my friends had moved into IT, earning obscene sums of money for their minimal output. Not only that but almost to a man they claimed they had bluffed their way into the industry and learned everything they now know on the job.
Well, if I’ve gleaned anything from 15 years in the money-market, I do know how to tell whopping, great porky-pies, so I logged onto the IT section of Seek and went straight to the 'Jobs Vacant' page.
"...$350,000pa.....Senior Applications Developer.....blah, blah, blah....experienced in ASP, HTML, DHTML, WAP........."
Huh??
"...$300,000 plus.....Senior Web Master.....blah, blah, blah......will possess extensive knowledge of SQL server and OLE, DB, ADO, COM/DCOM......."
Huh??
"...$250,000 + bonus.....Software Development Manager......blah, blah, blah.....familiar with PSB, AVS, COBOL, PVC, DILDO......"
Huh??
What the fuck were they talking about??
I'd never felt so acronym-deficient in my entire life.
I thought that perhaps IT was just a bit too slick a game for this practicing Luddite, when suddenly I spotted a potential wormhole into the information/communication revolution.
"...$150,000 base....Dynamic start-up company looking for Java guru....."
Well, I might not know much about lengthy strings of capital letters...but I sure can make a good cup of Java.
Suspiciously good money for a coffee-boy, though.
Then again, compared to what the top guys are getting paid, I figured it was all relative.
Sure, it's conceivable they would pay $150,000 for good coffee; I bet they drink gallons of the stuff in that super-charged atmosphere. I would just have to start at the bottom, learn everything there was to know, then steadily climb the corporate ladder to unimaginable wealth.
I rang the number, spent 5 minutes navigating the company's fearsome 'phone tree' ("..For general enquiries, press 1, followed by the hash, followed by your 43-digit pin #..."), eventually locating the AVP in charge of IT/HR.
In keeping with my perception that this was a brash, confidence-driven industry, I dispensed with the pleasantries and immediately proceeded to state a case.

"I want to be your new Java guru!!"
"OK. Do you have any experience with C++ ??"
(Huh…C++…what the fuck...must be industry jargon?? Of course....double strength caffeine or something. These guys probably pull 20 hour days....they'd need really strong coffee...not just the ordinary stuff the rest of us plebs were living off.....I'll just bluff this cunt.)
"Oh yes, C++......I've been using that for years."
"Great. And when are you able start??"

Too easy…

61 comments:

fingers said...

This blog will self-destruct in 18 hours...

mushroom said...

shit, i'd better start to clear my shit outta here then...

mushroom said...

it just needed someone to start the thread i reckon

fingers said...

Do Little Lucifer make thread-starters...

actonb said...

I decided not to repeat my trademarked 'I cannot comment' comment.
So there.

Mex said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
W said...

Damn. Just when the blog bitch is getting back too...

Georgia said...

Just what the IT world needs. Someone who can't actually open jpegs because he doesn't have "jpeg privileges..."

fingers said...

Goddamn !!!
My thread-starters are soggy and after seeing Mex's comment I suspect there must be a hole in The Cunt Proof Fence too...

Mex said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
fingers said...

No anonymous comments on TWG, skank...

Mex said...

OMG!! you cant do that!

thats censorship!

OMG

Mex said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
fingers said...

Oooops...sorry.
My finger must have slipped.
Now, what were you saying, skank...

Mex said...

i was just saying "thanks for last night"...

actonb said...

Children, children...
Bugger. And here I was thinking the blogosphere (can we think of another, less craptacular word for this please...?) was an escape from the constant squabbling I have to endure...

Ms Smack said...

Damn, what did i miss?

welcome to wallyworld said...

"Thanks for last night"???Did the fingered one bail you out of the nick or something? Nothing to do with anything ...but I haven't had a drink or a fag in 4 days and we've got 14 interns/Doctors coming around for a "raclette" (kinda like a fondue - you have a central hotplate with potatoes/ham/vegetables and then you select what you want and whack it in a dish, cover it with the raclette cheese and melt the bastard) and drinkie poohs. You reckon I'll be able to hold out? Will I what...I can taste that first 1664 now.

actonb said...

I love the Tefal Raclette.
Happy Times...

fingers said...

No need to thank me, Mex.
It's times like last night a girl really needs a compassionate friend with a can of WD40 and a good sense of humour.
I can just imagine how embarassing it would have been for you calling the fire brigade out and having to explain how that light bulb got there...

Mex said...

thanks again mate. lucky the only person i had to explain my situation to was you, and of course, you completely understood because of that rather unfortunate 'accident' of yours with the carrot last week...

fingers said...

You mean the black eye I gave myself when I lost my grip trying to get the carrot out of your ass ??
It would never have happened if you'd remembered the old adage...pointy end first...

Mex said...

fingers, i wish you wouldnt get me confused with your buddys. it just makes you look really dumb. you know full well it wasnt my arse that poor carrot was in.

fingers said...

Really ??
It looked like an ass.
Maybe it was your face...

Mex said...

If it was my face it wouldnt have gotten stuck would it Einstein?

fingers said...

If it wasn't your face how do you explain the eyebrows...

Mex said...

unlike your ass, which is clearly the only ass you are acquainted with of late, my ass doesnt come with eyebrows.

fingers said...

They weren't eyebrows ??
Well that would explain why they both walked off at one stage...

Mex said...

and i think i know where they went... have you checked your helmet lately?

fingers said...

Not since I took it out of your mouth...

Ms Smack said...

You two need to just fuck already and get it out of your system.

ps. post pictures.

BV said...

I always love seeing comments deleted by the blog administrator. Reminds me of three weeks ago when I got rid of my anonymous comments b/c someone with no balls kept leaving anonymous comments.

I'll have a grande nonfat latte, please.

actonb said...

I'm not just shocked.
I'm also appalled.
And just the teensiest bit bewildered.

fingers said...

Perhaps you need to have your medication adjusted...

actonb said...

You sound like Rob Byrnes.

fingers said...

That's the final insult.
This blog is closed until further notice...

BEAST said...

closed....FECKING CLOSED
wellthats the last time I treck over here

actonb said...

If it's closed can I spray-paint the windows. And break in and do unspeakable things on the floor?

fingers said...

You can cover the blog in your own unique series of lipstick marks for all I care, Nic...

welcome to wallyworld said...

You're closed? Oh alright then...I was just going to point you here - http://www.welcometowallyworld.com/front-page/2006/10/31/diamonds-are-forever.html

right up your alley I should think. Yeah "Safe for frigging work" - not that you guys do much of that (not including you, fingers)

BTW if you only see one of my vids, check out the 3-minute trailer for a TV pilot - "Fear of Falling" at www.mylifeasafrog.com
Yeah...I know I'm a pain in the arse self-promoting but I really think this one is worth a look. I'm touting it to the networks soon. If it comes off I want you in a cameo role as a Charlie-tooting FOUREX Dealer. Think you could do that?

fingers said...

I've been practising my entire career to play that role, Mal...but I still...STILL...can't play videos in here...

Mex said...

so where exactly is the four in foreign exchange?

or am i missing something?

fingers said...

You were missing a 'd' in 'goddess' yesterday but let's not dwell in the past, you big rummy-skank-pedant-smart-ass...

welcome to wallyworld said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
welcome to wallyworld said...

Can you hot-link here? Have a go at this old post of fingers - first published in Sydney Morning Herald

fingers said...

Yes, I remember that post.
We all used to play so nice in those days.
What happened to us ??
I blame Mex...

Mex said...

and i quote

"I missed you, mex.
I just didn't want to sound pathetic and desperate."

welcome to wallyworld said...

Yeah...it's funny...I used to get a real laugh out of some of those posts. BTW have you seen what that idiot vic/garry is posting on the other blog? Nasty piece of work that one. Didn't I ban it at one stage?

Time for another story from you mate.

fingers said...

That's a rather edited version of my comment, Mex.
There was also a tag-line which seems to have been lost somewhere.
Still, if the prospect of my missing you helps...knock yourself out, psycho.
TWG is finished, Mal.
Am going to write my novel and serialise it on a new blog.
Bit like Mark Twain's first effort...

welcome to wallyworld said...

Get people to subscribe or even read it out loud and podcast it through iTunes and Feedburner and the like. Could be a hit. But you've gotta keep the fresh content up - that's the tricky part.

Ms Smack said...

this place is closed? Someone left the light on.

BEAST said...

Has anyone seen my rubber basque??I know I left it somewhere.
I bet Ms Smack pinched it

fingers said...

I think I saw your rubber Basque over in the corner talking to the velvet Huguenot...

Georgia said...

But then it left, making it a Basque separatist...

Ms Smack said...

So whats going on then? Starting a new blog? When? How? What? Do tell.

Georgia said...

The anticipation is killing me...

Ms Smack said...

Its a fucking haunted barren wasteland here. Its not like Fingers does any work all day while he has access to the Net.

What the bloody hell is going on?

fingers said...

Hey, we're closed.
Can't you read ??
Don't come into my house and criticise my work-ethic, you cheap porn-peddler...

Georgia said...

I was moist with anticipation for the new blog. Now I'm all dried out.

world champ stephen neal said...

Fingers, you lovable bastard!

Odly Amore said...

hey dooche bag. What's new?