Monday, June 18, 2007

a love story...



I’d like to tell you a funny story from the five-year comedy festival that came to be known as my marriage…

A little over twelve years ago I was married to THE most wonderful girl !!! Well, maybe she wasn’t the most wonderful girl…but she was wonderful. OK, perhaps not so wonderful towards the end…but certainly in the beginning. Actually, now that I think about it she was a bit of a horror from day one. No, the truth is she was a lot of a horror from day one.
But that hardly mattered since she was so good-looking; face, legs and bongos to die for…a veritable Sarah-Jessica Parker-clone from head to toe. I was married to a girl who looked like a movie star.
And the sex WAS amazing. OK, perhaps not so amazing towards the end…but certainly in the beginning. Actually, now that I think about it the sex was more satisfactory than amazing from day one. No, the truth is the sex was utterly crap from day one.
Such a shame my living S-JP-doll came with Woody Allen’s sense of self-loathing and body image, which meant that the light was usually turned off when we did it. So what though; after the first few times your eyes are closed and you’re fantasizing about someone else anyway.
Besides, that hardly mattered since she was MY absolute best friend. OK, perhaps not my absolute best friend towards the end…but certainly in the beginning. Actually, now that I think about it she was never a friend from day one. No, the truth is she probably hated my guts from day one.
That would certainly explain why she hung around so long, through all that crappy sex, just to make my life a misery.

Look, I’ve run out of time to finish this story…but I will continue it next post; I promise.
I’ve got an important session I need to attend with my therapist/anger-management-guru/grief counsellor, who reckons I’m making terrific progress and that I’ll be ready to resume normal relations with some of you cunts soon…

18 comments:

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Sounds a familiar story...

Now, if you'd found your ideal woman in Dubai...

Electro Kevin said...

That was great, Fingers. I'm laughing so much that you're gonna get blog-rolled. You poor cunt !

jungle jane said...

I am not suprised she was so insecure if she looked like Woody Allen. No wonder you were thinking of someone else when you were rooting.

If you are that turned on by Woody Allen but don't want the complications of a relationship i would be happy to photoshop Woody Allen's head on Sarah Jessica Parker's body, Fingers. You just let me know, princess. I am here to help.

fingers said...

Crushed: I bet by the end of the story it won't sound so familiar.

E-K: I'm delighted my misery amuses you. You're going to love Part 2...

JJ: When we lived in Tokyo, Japanese people would stop us in the street to ask for 'S-JPs' autograph. Strangely, no one mistook me for Matthew Broderick...

Mountjoy said...

"...after the first few times your eyes are closed and you’re fantasizing about someone else anyway..."

You're giving away secret men's business there, fingers.

fingers said...

Oh stop panicking, Donnie.
It's not like I gave away the big one; they'll never figure out we're thinking of their sister/mother/best friend...

WJ said...

Now I don't want to cast aspersions on your ex whom I have not and am unlikely to ever meet, but the only reason you were thinking of her mother/sister/best friend is that if she looked like SJP, she ran the risk of having a head like a horse...

fingers said...

Not to cast any aspersions either...but gee you're a cunt, WJ.
Although I will grant you that S-JP can look pretty ordinary sometimes...

Mountjoy said...

You forgot daughter.

And grand daughter.

fingers said...

I suspect you fish in deeper waters than me, Mountjoy...

BEAST said...

Thats exactly why I stick with my Jungle Jane inflatable friend ($34.99 from the acme rubber doly company).
Ok it doesnt do the washing up or do my washing , but jeez i got a mother for that

Steph said...

I thought it was illegal to marry your own sister.

Ms Smack said...

MJ and Fingers, gross me out ! ick!!

Come on then. Let's not have another birthday between posts, eh??

Chop Chop

mutleythedog said...

Sounds like my marriage Mr F,but mine lasted --- oh boy it lasted - 18 fuckin years it lasted... got two great kids though.

fingers said...

How's Donnie supposed to fantasize about your mother now, Beast ??
Your dirty socks in one hand and a gravy-laden plate in the other.
You've ruined it.
Lucky he's still got your sister's photo to cling to...

Steph, are you on the right blog...

Calm down Smack...this stuff doesn't write itself. If you want instant gratification, try Mountjoy's garbage dump...

Count your blessings, Mutley. My marriage lasted 800 years from '93 till '98...

Steph said...

shit, I am too. I thought I was on my brother's blog. He just proposed to me you know.
We're a close family.

fingers said...

Well get that fork out of your flange and concentrate...

Malcolm Lambe said...

Laughing my saggy arse off...well it's not so saggy...come to think of it there's no sagginess at all. To speak of. Ah fuck it...