Wednesday, June 06, 2007

the queen is dead...long live the king...

The Challenge:

Ubermouth said, ‘I have noticed that Fingy so your extra efforts have not been for nothing. I shall devote a whole post to you tomorrow and the showdown can wanna see cruel?I am QUEEN of cruel!’

The Response:

Fingers said, ‘Listen up, Cruella de Veal !!! Stick to pulling the e-wings off your favourite blog-flies or I'll have you on suicide-watch by sundown...’

In his seminal work on the subject, ‘The Art of War’, that feisty little Chinaman Sun Tzu insisted that one needed to know their enemy, that surprise was a key element of any successful attack, and that total annihilation was the only feasible objective.
I think Sun would be proud of this little warrior today.
I wish I could show you the battleground…now that the smoke has cleared…but alas some crazed hacker has apparently stolen it.
Sadly, all I have are a few measly war souvenirs…trophies I guess…which I’ll put on display shortly.

I arrived this morning to find the battle already raging. ‘Uber’ had launched some sort of Tourette Syndrome version of ‘shock and awe’ against me.
Sensing she was ready for a long, vulgar battle of wits…I made a coffee and ignored her for a bit.
She tried to tease me out of hiding with a cheapish shot over my eastern flank; I responded with some light calibre humour and continued to ignore the threat.
I did notice another army, a small, raggle-taggle bunch of hillbillies under the command of a ‘Captain Smack’, massing-up on my western flank. I hadn’t realised they had joined forces during the night…
Unconcerned, I fired a short burst of tracer-wit over ‘The Captain’s’ head and went back to sleep. Enraged, ‘The Captain’ came at me, yelling all kinds of nonsense and suggesting I’d started the fight. I took out an olive branch and proffered it; later I would thrash him senseless with it however for the moment he seemed stunned to the point of inaction.
Meanwhile, back on the Eastern Front, ‘Uber’ was coming for me in waves…and for anyone familiar with her plight, I don’t mean multiple-orgasms.
Realising this ‘battle’ was not so much WWIII as it was ‘Bozo’s Last Stand’, I put away the intellectual nukes, lobbed a smoke grenade in her lap and…vanished into the gloom.
What follows are the despicable, ruthless, black-hearted e-mails from ‘Uber’ (self-styled Queen of Cruel) to her e-mate ‘Ms Smack’.
They are reproduced with ‘Uber’s’ full knowledge, since she asked ‘Ms Smack’ to pass on her awful, awful messages.

“Listen he (Captain Smack) just emailed me to say that Fingers has deleted his messages from mine and his comments he that sensitive? Fingers? You have to get a mail to him from me. We were just playing and Captain Smack and I are not a team...........Smack and Crushed are just kinda protective of me and didn’t understand why he was so mean so naturally they were going to defend me. I am their agents after all. “

Oooh, can you feel the evil ??
How about this then…

“Dear Fingers,
Please do NOT feel that anyone is ganging up on you. Smackers and Crushed are just a little protective of me when you are a bit harsh but they think you are a very funny guy, as do I, and no one meant to hurt you or see you leave our blogs.....not for the extra numbers but you certainly do add spice!
With your gaping mouth we thought you could take it and it was all just a bit of fun...certainly on our parts (not that we are a team or a gang or anything).
And you should be flattered coz I am WAY more mean than that ( ask XXX- I am horrid ) so I was actually being gentle and rather complimenting you making a whole post on you and all.
Sorry if we offended you. Come back!
‘XXXX’ (Uber’s real name)”

Boy, that ‘Uber’ really has ice in her wicked veins…
Want some more of her acid-tongued vitriol ??

“Find out if he feels humiliated and then I will remove that post. He has been a turd but you know I ignored it for so long coz I figured it was his wit ( like me) but it got a bit much........but I thought he just went to far but I certainly would never humiliate someone for real ( except fatty coz she was a racist bigot)
Poor guy.
Smack feels bad too ..”

And so it came to be; I had promised to destroy ‘Uber’ by sundown but it turns out I had over-estimated her capacity for evil. By lunchtime I had a full apology and a complete retraction of her original post.

‘The Queen of Cruel’ is dead. In her place, I give you ‘The Queen of Gruel’ for her warm, soft, porridge-like consistency.

OK ‘Uber’…you may commence with the applause.
For you have gazed on the face of Pure Evil…and its name is ‘Fingers’…


Captain Smack said...

Oh, Christ on a stick.

Ok, you win, Fingers. You have whipped us all into submission with your superb wit and psychological warfare skills. Can we move on now? Whatever happened to the good ol' days?

Yeah, we all ganged up on you, and then we realized we probably took it a little too far. So we talked about it and decided to apologize. That's all. It's not a conspiracy.

I can't speak for Ubermouth or any of the other members of the Dark Allegiance, but all I'm saying is just lay off the mean stuff a little, ok? If you want to stick around, then cool. And if not, then that's cool too, but I don't have a problem with you if you don't have a problem with me. Seriously, I'm not into all this hate crap. I'm Sorry about the shitty comments, I really am.


Ms Smack said...

As far as I'm concerned, you can all fuck off. I don't blog to spread hate. I don't blog to create enemies or make someone feel less than others, or bitch and moan over people that I barely know. This is the internet for fucks sake. I blog for me. If you want to blog in hate, please go ahead, but do not ever involve me in that negative crap.

All day long I am surrounded by child rape, murder, pedo's and negativity. I come to each of your blogs for a laugh, funny story or something - what a joke.

Do not ever, involve me in your bitching, scandals, moaning, or otherwise ever again - any of you.

Seriously, I have better things to do than to unintentionally perpetuate a stupid argument, and play INTERNET power games and see who's got the biggest dick!

I refuse to pick sides like a high school argument.

For the longest time, I have been a victim of this net-hatred from someone else. This is a sad reminder that blogging is a dying form - at least for me.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Hey, I was asleep when the cold war broke into nuclear war.
Did I miss some good battles?

I thought the post in question was tongue in cheek, but if it caused offence, then at least things seem to have been settled amicably.

Cheer up, Fingers, I think you're a good guy really.

Hell, lets' all be nice.
As far as we can.

Miss S, I think you're right but wrong- it's not a dying a form, it's moving to a new level.

Steph said...

Holy Snapping Duck Shit!
It's all fun and games till someone loses a blog post!!

I suggest you all join hands, sing Kumbaya (or however you spell it) and play nice.

Failing that, have a real flame war you bunch of pussies!!

*ahem* I'll be leaving now.


Just a minute...........First off Ms smack get off your fucking high horse or you will be my next post! I have seen how you have acted in triv rooms. WE were all having fun until someone decided he could dish it out but not take it( your apology is accepted Fingy) and I was rather restrained ...I thought. It always bites me on the ass when I am nice....and we were not THAT upset!
Don't get all anal and serious Ms. Smack no one has asked you to take the moral high ground.

fingers said...

Oh settle down !!!
Every one of you has missed the point completely.
This was never about my feelings being hurt by any mythological Dark Alliance. For starters, I don't have any feelings and secondly you lot are about as dark as profiteroles.
I simply wanted to roll 'Uber' over and scratch her tummy a bit...coz she' know...such a bad ass.
Did you really think I'd be taking my bat 'n ball and be going home ??
There's no blog war, no conspiracy, no sense of moral superiority/inferiority and most of all THERE'S NO FUCKING APOLOGIES NECESSARY.
Now get back to your blogs and keep poodling on about whatever it is that inspires you.
I love you all too much to hurt you. Well, actually I care too little about any of you to hurt you...but that would be cruel, eh...

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

I'm not comment on this post, Fingers.

As I said before.


I'll comment on your next one.

fingers said...

And I won't be commenting on the non-comment you just made, Crushed.

Now, can we all stop making out like tragic victims and get back to the blogging.

Time to 'MAN UP', pussies...

W said...

fingers, have you been winning friends and influencing people again?


That's very interesting to note that I only sent you one mail ( which I did not authorize you to use) nor for Cathy to send the others . Typical though as she never was strong on loyalty to anyone.

fingers said...

Don't know about winning any friends, W...but there are a few bloggers certainly under the influence of something out there...

fingers said...

Oh hi 'Uber'.
This is a lovely surprise.

"...and that's my last response to the pair of you..."

Does 'last response' have a different meaning in the UK to the one it has down here ??
I wish I had your willpower...

Mex said...

jesus fingers, who are these cunts and where did you get them from?

fingers said...

I cloned you while you were unconscious in the bathtub last weekend, Mex.
And now my creations have turned on me...

Mex said...

its about time something turned on you instead of the way you keep turning everyone off.

fingers said...

Super play on words, Oscar Wilde...