Wednesday, December 26, 2007

sweet dreams are made of these...


Yesterday, as has become my habit in recent years I attended the Boxing Day sale at DJs and Myer city stores !!!
I'm not one of those savages lined up from 3am, thermos of coffee in their rucksacks, noses pressed against the doors, slavering like crazed weasels at the thought of saving $30 on a towel for the bathroom. I tend to saunter in around 10-ish, go directly to the Manchester section and scoop an entire set of designer bed linen, (duvet cover, fitted-sheet and 4 pillow slips), which lasts me a year. I’m not terribly fussed about getting the exact print I want: I’m simply after quality stuff at stupidly low prices. The week before the sale I do a little reconnaissance work, check the ranges, sizes, prices, study the store layout and acquire a target…it’s a surgical strike, not a day out for me.
Inside 30 minutes I had selected and purchased the 2008 linen for the workbench, a subtle Ralph Lauren print, normally $900, mine for $270…mission completed.
Beetling out of the store, the treasure clutched to my chest to keep it away from the cloying fingers of the hordes of Chinese barbarians…I saw it.
In a corner of the Ralph Lauren section, not necessarily for sale though, stood the most magnificent stressed-leather armchair I’d ever laid eyes on. It was a prop really; a non-related, same-brand item designed to reassure the buyer of RL products that this was the kind of world they now belonged to.
I had to sit in that chair…
I did sit in that chair…
I wish I hadn’t sat in that chair…
As soon as my ass hit the seat I was gone. My mouth watered at the prospect of sitting there for eternity whilst a parade of increasingly larger, increasingly higher-definition plasma TVs passed before me. The chair enveloped me, hugging my form to its padded, leathery bosom, caressing me in ways other chairs have promised but never delivered.
‘Excuse me, sir…you can’t sit on that chair…it’s a display item.’
I had been spotted by one of the David Jones sales trolls.
‘Huh…what…I want this chair…how much for the chair…please sell me this chair.’
‘It’s not for sale, sir…it’s a display item only.’
‘I don’t care…I want to buy it…can you find out how much it is ??’
‘It’s not for sale, sir… it’s a display item only.’
‘Yes, I heard you the first time. Please go and find a supervisor or something…I need to have this chair…it’s XMAS…let’s negotiate…everything has a price…sell me this chair you cunt.’
‘It’s not for sale, sir… it’s a display item only.’
‘And I want the ottoman too.’
Eventually the troll found a supervisor and we resolved the issue.
‘It’s not for sale, sir… it’s a display item only.’
‘Yes…I know that, you simple-minded fuckwad…I was just being silly with your sales-troll…I just want to know where I can get one like it.’
‘Try Ralph Lauren Furniture…it’s on loan from them.’
‘Thank you.’
So, today I went online, found the RLF website, located the armchair of my dreams and spent 30 minutes drooling on my keyboard. It’s called ‘The Writer’s Chair’…and its NOT just a display item and it IS for sale.
FOR SALE: $6999…
And $2399…for the matching ottoman…
CUNTS !!!



57 comments:

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers...Oh yeah babes and the fucker is so comfy. Well the one I have in my home office is fab. The ottoman is cool to.

BTW...it is fab to have sex on too.

Nah babes, I didn't pay that amount either. Let me just say, it's a fab chair to have sex on. :D

How was I suppose to know he was going to give me the chair and ottoman, I just wanted to test how it felt having sex on it. Um, I thought he was just going to give it to me...you know what I mean...give it to me, like yum.

Did mention that it was fab chair for fucking? Well it is...ciao babes. Glad you did well on boxing day.

Steph said...

But you're sooooo rich. Surely a few grand is a drop in the ocean for the likes of you?????

Don't you old folk stash wads of cash under your beds or sumthin?

fingers said...

Spiky: I'm more convinced than ever that you are in fact a 15 year old boy from Minneapolis with an over-active imagination...

fingers said...

Steph: Sorry darling, you must have scurried in under the door while I was responding to Spiky. Yes, it's true I am wealthy, however 9k for an armchair/ottoman stretches even the limits of my profligacy...especially as I just bought myself a boat for XMAS...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...I was just trying to get you to smile and laugh. I do though understand your words.

It's funny that you would say a 15 year old boy.

And you say I have an imagination.

Hugs for you anyway babes, I still love you.

Ciao.

fingers said...

Spiky: I rarely do anything BUT smile and laugh. It's why I'm so unpopular...

Bo Bo said...

You’ve got some good taste fingers. Lash out mate and get it. It’s one nice piece of furniture. I believe every man should have a chair like that in his life. Fuck now I want it, how much was it?
Wife for Sale - $7500, Five hundred should cover delivery cost and a year’s subscription to Naughty Neighbours?

Steph said...

Sugartits! I would spend 9k on a hot bag and shoes and not blink. (The credit card Gods may cry though). I'm just assuming a rick investment banker type dude could afford that...sorry.

How much are inflatable rafts these days anyhoo?

fingers said...

BoBO: You're being unrealistic, mate. I'm sure your wife is charming but it's illegal to sell her unless you're an Afghan national. How about having her skinned and made into an armchair ?? And if her ass is as big as Steph's, there'd be enough left over for an ottoman too.

Steph: Hi baby...wot's happening...

Bo Bo said...

I am an Afghan national, how do you think I got my washing machine and sleepmaker mattress. I don’t have 9 wives for the fun of it, more leverage on today’s human trade market.

fingers said...

BoBo: At current rates, 9 Afghan wives would almost be enough to get you a LazEBoy in cracked vinyl...

fingers said...

BoBo: Interestingly, as you reduce the number of Afghan wives, their corresponding value rises...

Bo Bo said...

Tell me about it, just yesterday I was offered six goats and a wild boar for wife number one where as the week before I was offered Tuesdays AGE, a button and a pack of PK for wife number seven……....... I no longer have wife number seven.

phishez_rule said...

The question is...

How badly do you want that chair?

Kitty said...

Fingers...if you buy that chair not only will I fuck you on it, I'll post a post about how awesome it was...

On my imaginary blog.......Did I mention I am fit for a straight jacket and am awaiting the kind (hot) men in white uniforms to transport me to the local nut farm?

Mex said...

why are people walking past you in the RL/manchester section with plasma TVs? were they lost? couldnt they afford the delivery?

and secondly - why would you pay good money for a pre-stressed leather chair? god fingers, you really are a wanker arent you?

Kelly said...

cheap ass.


You know it might be easier if you just washed your sheets, rather than buying them once a year so you don't have to.

dirty bastard.

Kelly said...

psst! It think it may be on sale!

http://rlhome.ralphlauren.com/rlhome/products/furniture/item.asp?item_id=5637&haid=6&t=0


or... maybe you live in a different country... hm. sucks for you.

Jin said...

Fingers, keep yer eyes on the money markets here in the sandbox - there's a shitload to be made when they ditch the siamese relationship between Abes & Durries (you're a money man, figure it out). Make heaps, buy the chair, get shagged & then let the cats use it as a scratching post............

Ms Smack said...

Beautiful chair, I love it. AND I did see one very very similar tonight...where was it...I'll see if I can find it. x

Effortlessly Average said...

$9,400 for a damned chair and automan?! Good lord man, buy a laz-e-boy for $400 and use the remainder for a year's blowjobs from the hooker of your choice! I bet you still come out saving green.

fingers said...

BoBo: I saw your ex-wife #7 on an Afghan Ebay site. She's a fine looking woman...I bid 2 chickens and a length of copper wire for her but I think the Arabs might go higher.

Phish: It's all I think about.

Kitty: You think I'm paying $7k for a chair so you can leave snail trails all over it. You ARE a nut.

Mex: That's rich coming from someone who gets their furniture from the sidewalk.

Kelly: Well spotted. Who's a clever girl then.

Kelly: Those prices are in $US. Back to being a moron again.

Jin: Thanks baby. I understood nearly everything except the bit that came after 'Fingers'.

Smack: Did you try the RL Home website, Columbo.

EA: I too thought like you before I sat in that chair. It was like a shot of upholstered heroin...

Bo Bo said...

Going once, going twice....and...SOLD. To Mr Abakuba

So Mr Abakuba, what do you intend to do with wife #7 ?.......She will milk my cows.

Ms Smack said...

No dumbass, as if I can afford to even walk in there, you know that. I have people on it though!

fingers said...

BoBo: He'll probably be milking wife #7...

Smack: It's a website, Dimbo...

Ms Smack said...

bah, fuck off. They said 'yup, its a 2nd Ralph Lauren chair and its been a display model chair for ages so it's well worn in. Our Santa though is the only person that's sat on it. We'll give it you for about $500 if you pick it up'

I said 'nah, fuck it. Fingers is a cunt.' and hung up.

little things said...

I think you should treat yourself. Buy the writer's chair and ottoman, place them on your new boat, then sail away to write your novel.
I'll support that choice.

EmmaK said...

Funny! $6999 for something that has been distressed so that it looks like something you could find in a dumpster or for $40 in a junk shop. Still, it is very sexy!

Betty said...

Part of me wants to slap you around the ears and say 'for God's sake man, get yourself a chair off ebay that looks half as good and delude yourself it's a brand label' and the other part of me wants to say ' for God's sake man, get yourself a chair off ebay that looks half as good and delulde yourself it's a brand label'.

Ms Smack said...

Betty, you crack me up!

electro-kevin said...

Buy it.

You said it yourself. It delivered everything that others promised but failed to give. And when you are old and achey it'll still be there, trusty and dependable ... worn IN rather than worn OUT. The value of quality is remembered long after the price is forgotten and just think of how it grabbed you in that store. I doubt you're a man that's easily impressed.

I once saw a painting that really hit the spot. I walked away. Probably $3,000 Aus in today's money which is a lot more to me than it is you - I regret not splashing out intensely.

Have a Happy New Year

Kev
(Part time agent for Ralph Lauren Furniture)

electro-kevin said...

Sorry - $6000 Aus in today's money (roughly 3k in sterling.)

Ms Smack said...

How much did you spend on your knob this year? The knobs on the apartment, I mean, pervert.

fingers said...

Smack: Bummer, I'd have loved to be sitting where the K-Mart Santa has had his fat, sweaty ass parked for the last 10 years.

LT: Dear god...I'm getting financial planning advice from Little Things.

Emmak: It's like me. I'm distressed but very comfy.

Betty: Given what I know about my own couch, I'll never buy 2nd hand furniture again.

EK: You are the voice of unreason. At last, someone who understands me...

Smack: Blow me...

Betty said...

fingers: EW!

Les Miserable said...

So what's the problem? Steal the fucker. Put on a white coat or whatever those nancy-boys wear and pinch it right out of the display. Yeah...happy new year to you too, cunt. I loves yous all.

Ms Smack said...

Time for another post.

BottleBlonde said...

In a corner of the Ralph Lauren section ...

Ralph Lauren? The fact that you know the name of even one designer qualifies you for the rainbow coalition. Now put on some assless chaps and bend over, Fairy Princess.

Betty said...

Fingers, have you flown to the Ralph Lauren store in America to buy your chair and foot stool? Where are you then and what are you doing and who do you know?

Blogland is so boring right now.

fingers said...

GONE BOATING...

Betty said...

you're sailing to the ralph lauren store then? shit, that's commitment. you really DO deserve that chair and foot stool.

Ms Smack said...

It was NOT k-mart!

electro-kevin said...

I can't believe you get 42 comments over a poxy chair and I've had nothing for a post about an operation I recently had on my bollocks.

:-(((

Kelly said...

I feel comfortable being a moron. It is familiar territory. I feel at home here.

fingers said...

E-K: Mate, every male blogger over 35 except me has been gelded and written about it. The people are over hearing about disfigurement and spousal-inspired self-mutilation. They want to hear about armchairs according to my research.

Kelly: Where the fuck is your new blog...

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

I liked your comment on E-Kevin's blog re "foolsball". Didn't know States-side knew so much about The Beautiful Game. Or political hypocrisy.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

And the Chair? You probably did the right thing. Despite the Credit Crunch, most financial services dudes are still likely to get a decent bonus this year (not as high as 2007's peak, tho, sorry). If the US industry is like the UK's financial services industry, the bonus will be announced in Jan and paid in March - and depending on your package, so to speak, you can pick up the RL chair AND ottoman in the end of season clear-out for a better price. Undervalued stock suits me, as long as it's going to support my ass-ets.

fingers said...

MoM: You're right about Americans not knowing shit about soccer or hypocrisy...however I'm in Australia, where we know plenty. Also, I get paid my bonuses quarterly, so the question of the chair is not so much a matter of affordability as it is a function of when my two cunt Bengals outgrow their habit of peeing on my old couch...

electro-kevin said...

You could always have the Bengals cautarised. I'm now on personal terms with a genital surgeon who's very adept at this sort of thing.

electro-kevin said...

Ass-ts

Very subtle and not wasted on me Mermintrudes.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Oh! Sorry! Australian, of course. My humblest apologies dear sir!

I know what you mean about cats - mine brought in a friend last night; jumped through the window and another feline mate followed him! right into my living room...

how very dare he?

fingers said...

E-K: I think making friends with the person who took your manhood smacks of what they call The Stockholm Syndome.

MoM: maybe they're not allowed to have sex at the other cat's place...

JJ said...

When I looked to buy a mattress, I couldn’t decide whether to buy a regular mattress or go for a Memory Foam Mattress. In the end I decide on the memory foam and went looking for a Cheap memory Foam Mattress I found one and it was the best decision of my life! I highly recommend them! Did my back wonders too!

the projectivist said...

silly man!
you need to pop down to Robertsons - THAT'S where you'll find the chair, and you'll be able to barter them down.
the first thing i learned (when working in furniture sales) is that all the clued-up people ask for money off.

Berlin said...
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Berlin said...
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Berlin said...

Well my Leather Armchair from Ralph Lauren called "The Writer's Chair" is very comfortable because of its soft cow leather. Looks like brand new because it was hardly used. Absolutely a show-off for your living or office.
Was $6435 + Tax, get it for only $2000 When you mail to Berilinsch@Gmail.com I will send you Pictures.
I also know someone who ship big stuff from Canada tp US.und he is cheap. He could help us when you not live closeby and if you'r interested,ok?
Thanks Manuela