Wednesday, January 09, 2008

we must learn from our mistakes...

Popular opinion amongst cosmologists holds that if aliens were to visit Earth they would be vastly superior in intelligence to the local inhabitants.
Obviously this wouldn’t be the case if they set their shiny little saucer down on Cunt Point Rd, however for the remainder of the planet it’s probably a fair assessment.
Long story short…the reasoning is along the lines that any aliens smart enough to build a spacecraft capable of traversing the incalculable distances involved in such a trip must be way smarter than most of you cabbages.
Another fair assessment; then again anyone capable of calculating the impact of a 0.15% increase in interest rates on their mortgage probably has 50 IQ points on most of you too.
There is also a widely-held belief that these mega-brained aliens would be coming in peace to share their accumulated wisdom with us and that our lives would be greatly enriched by the contact.
DON’T BE DECEIVED !!!
If you consider our own history, particularly the last five hundred years or so, try to recall one instance of an ‘inferior’ culture benefitting from contact with a supposedly ‘superior’ culture.
I’m quite sure the Mayan Indians could have done without the help of their educated Spanish benefactors. Likewise, I doubt many Australian Aborigines now celebrate the first day they encountered their enlightened British saviours ?? Not a lot of African nations these days rejoice in the improved quality of life brought by the Dutch as far as I’m aware.
And so on…
What I’m saying is that if a flying saucer sets down in your backyard, a hatch opens and a Little Green Thing walks down the ramp…SHOOT THE FUCKER !!!
Don’t say ‘HELLO’ to it, don’t listen to any of its crap about coming in peace, don’t extend your hand in a gesture of inter-galactic friendship. It will not teach you how to run your car on water, or explain how women think, or reveal where flies go when it’s raining…so just SHOOT THE FUCKER !!! Right between however many eyes it has…
Then get some really toxic shit, such as anthrax dust or a crate of Muslims, stuff the flying saucer full of it and weld the hatch shut.
History will thank you for it one day…

40 comments:

Kitty said...

what about cunts like me who don't need to calculate their interest rate?

am i a cabbage? how can i tell if i am a cabbage?

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

He he! If you were a cabbage, you'd be green, and then Fingers would shoot you for being an alien. So I think you are safe!

Betty said...

oh fingers, you don't need to worry about aliens coming to get us (although thanks for the tip on how to handle myself if they do show up)... Will Smith and Tom Cruise and Ben Affleck - they only acting honey. It was just a moviej.

Sleep well fingers, and dream about fluffy rabbits instead :)

Kunstemæcker said...

But what could I possibly use to shoot an alien? I'm pretty certain they would dispose of better weapons than we do.

Kelly said...

I bet you they have those chairs you want. Can you take things from them after you shoot at them? Cause that would save you a ridiculous amount of money!

You'd be a hero and have really stylish furniture.

fingers said...

Kitty: If in doubt just ask me and I'll look on the Cabbage List. Hey, guess what...you're on it.

MoM: What about red cabbage ?? That's it...you're on the list too.

Betty: Don't come whining to me when your ovaries end up in an alien Petri dish. You're going on the list.

Kunsty: Long time no see, mate. Of course they have superior weaponry; that's why you shoot the fuckers on sight. While they're busy smiling and offering their space-trinkets and space-rum to try and lull you into a false sense of security, you take out your AK47 home-assault rifle and plug the fucker.

Kelly: Look, if I'm not sitting on the K-Mart Santa's old chair, I'm not sitting in a chair some alien has parked his slimy green ass on for 10,000 years or however long it took the fucker to get here. Cabbage...

travistee said...

is this what smart, rich, intelligent, humorous, witty, sarcastic Cunt Pointers think about in their spare time?

fingers said...

Travistee: You forgot handsome, Fucko...

Ms Smack said...

Fingers is handsome, I have to agree with him there.

electro-kevin said...

I wouldn't worry about aliens, Fingers. They're alright actually.

I knew someone who was abducted by them a while back and experimented on.

Before this happened they had an asshole the size of a 5 pence piece - after the aliens had finished they had an asshole the size of a 50 pence piece. Hardly worth being unfriendly over 45p is it ?

em said...

When I first read that I thought it said, 'popular opinion among cosmetologists' and along with the picture it seemed like a pretty fucked up post.

But, I'd say that's pretty good advice. I'll keep it in mind.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

how can a mermaid be a cabbage? We'd disintegrate in salt water. We'd go all soggy, like mother's Christmas vegetable selection. Ridiculous notion. Just what I'd expect from a man.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...without aliens, who will mow my lawn? Who will clean my friggen pool? Who will cook my food and the restaurants...who will wait on us?.

I love my Rosa and I will not give her up. If she is gone who's gonna tuck me in at night. Who will rebuild f-ing New Orleans? Who...who, I ask?

WEll MY DEAR fingers, Aliens that's who.

I say we smile and lend a kind hand and offer them citizenship...fuck the test and wha-lah, no more aliens. No guns or messy shootings. No hiding the bodies, if you know what I mean.

WOT...oh, those aliens. Um...never mind.

Effortlessly Average said...

Oh I dunno, I'm not sure I'd believe anything dreamed up by a bunch of women who cut hair for a living. I mean, all those chemicals they sniff all day can't be good for the brain.

marky said...

you're a funny fuck. I might like to meet the alien though and go for a ride.

Jayne said...

Let me know if you need any additional fanbelt & t-cloth brigade Fingers, I'm sure we've got plenty to spare over here.

travistee said...

Did I? heehee....

fingers said...

Smack: Get your nose out of my handsome ass.

E-K: So your friend was abducted by aliens and used as a piggy bank ??

Em: Yes, they were Halley's Cosmetologists.

MoM: You have unwittingly just inspired a new post. That's all I can say for now.

Spiky: Hahahaha....very funny. I liked that.

EA: Fuck yeah. Does anything smell worse than a room full of chicks getting their hair permed.

Marky: Never accept a ride off anyone with more than two eyes.

Jayne: I'm going to figure out what that comment means if it's the last thing I ever do.

T: Any Little Green Men on your date-list this week...

travistee said...

Fingers I don't know yet. But hey, I'm open to new experiences...

Steph said...

I wouldn't mind being probed by a green man.

Just sayin',

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...there are no aliens...you can't phone home. Pussy doesn't taste like chicken. Not all cocks taste the same. It's not true when people say size doesn't matter. Ronald Mc Donald really isn't Scottish. Elvis isn't alive nor is JFK, I know cause I'm part Kennedy, and Arnold is related to me by marriage...And...And, you wouldn't dump me if I was your g/f even if I was high maintenance. Cause I HAWT and am a fab fuck! Like read my response...ciao honey.

electro-kevin said...

No, Fingers. My friend wasn't used as a piggy bank by the aliens but the experience did cause some er ... change in him.

electro-kevin said...

Spiky - I thought every girl was a 'fab fuck' or was that just my experience ?

;-)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

electro kevin...Oh...baby, what's your experience...2 or 3? I've been with lots of women and not all of them were fab fucks.

Babes, did your fab fucks bring their g/f over to share with you?mmm'k...nuff said...me thinks.

BTW...mine is hot. Me moist just thinking about her.

Fingers...hi baby.

electro-kevin said...

Spiky ... baby, are you sure you were motivating them right ?

fingers said...

T: That sounds like a direct quote from your dating-site profile. I bet 'Shawshank Redemption' is your favourite movie too.

Steph: Fuck I hope it's Bob Brown.

Spiky: I can't phone home but can I phone a friend and ask them what the fuck you're talking about today.

E-K: I can hear Benny Hill singing that line in faux-Tex/Mex.

E-K: I believe that's just the gratitude-factor kicking in.

Spiky: You're still going...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...why do I expect you to keep up? Sigh!

Bad Bob said...

So what do hairdressers have to do with aliens anyway and what do they know about alien intelligence?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...you are so right...I am going. You're so smart.

Ciao babes.

fingers said...

Bob: Those cunt hairdressers know plenty but they're not saying shit about it.

Spiky: Don't pout. It's very unsexy...

BottleBlonde said...

I'm the superior culture to your inferior culture, and you have yet to shoot me ... with bullets, that is. Jizz doesn't count.

fingers said...

BB: I've seen Petri dishes with more culture than your poxy country...

unique_stephen said...

what have the Romans ever done for us?

Reg: They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken
everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers,
and from our fathers' fathers.
Loretta: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
Reg: Yeah.
Loretta: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.
Reg: Yeah. All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what
have they ever given us in return?!
Xerxes: The aqueduct?
Reg: What?
Xerxes: The aqueduct.
Reg: Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true.
Yeah.
Commando 3: And the sanitation.
Loretta: Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city
used to be like?
Reg: Yeah. All right. I'll grant you the aqueduct and the
sanitation are two things that the Romans have done.
Matthias: And the roads.
Reg: Well, yeah. Obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go
without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation,
the aqueduct, and the roads--
Commando: Irrigation.
Xerxes: Medicine.
Commandos: Huh? Heh? Huh...
Commando 2: Education.
Commandos: Ohh...
Reg: Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.
Commando 1: And the wine.
Commandos: Oh, yes. Yeah...
Francis: Yeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg,
if the Romans left. Huh.
Commando: Public baths.
Loretta: And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now,
Reg.
Francis: Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's
face it. They're the only ones who could in a place like this.
Commandos: Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.
Reg: But apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education,
wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system,
and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Xerxes: Brought peace?
Reg: Oh, peace? Shut up

fingers said...

US: Yes, I was wondering if someone was going to trot that skit out at me. To be honest though, at the time the Romans founded London, the average Briton bathed once every 2 years, ate their own excrement and drank it down with pig's blood...so their culture really had only one way to go...

Madam Z said...

Fingers, you are one talented, funny guy. I was going to attempt some lame joke here, but what I really want to do is give you a well-deserved compliment.

fingers said...

Z: Why thank you. Now where is that bikini photo...

Arcturus said...

I rather doubt aliens who are basically more advanced versions of humans are going to land a spaceship here.

Alien life that can traverse the mind-boggling distances between the stars -- to say nothing of the distances between galaxies -- is more likely to be machine based than biological. Life that had evolved to tens of millions of years beyond us might not even have any corporeal form at all, and it is my (unsupportable) contention that such life would not actually intervene in something so atavistic and primitive as what we are, basically hairless primates not far removed from having just tamed fire.

Indeed, that life would probably resemble what we take to be God. It would not be evil in the sense that we would fear, but it's not going to intervene and micromanage our affairs, if at all.

Now, of course, this assumes that it isn't actually possible to fold space and hence take a (REALLY BIG) shortcut around the unfathomable distances between the stars, and the Universe isn't one big "Star Trek" episode ... or even worse, a "Star Wars" one (since that one is basically a big Nazi Empire).

You raise a very good point about what does happen when 'superior' civilizations interact with weaker ones. I've always thought that IF there was a superior alien civilization that wanted to take over ours for whatever nefarious purpose, they could just put on a big light show in the sky and pretend it was the Second Coming of Christ -- that would unnerve our civilization to the point of collapse and easy take over.

That's probably not going to happen.

In one way, the Universe is just so big -- infinite really -- that it doesn't even notice us, much less care what we do.

Ms Smack said...

I seriously don't remember writing that comment. As if, i'd say that. Geezus.

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