Let’s cut to the chase here; I’m not a fan of period sex. And by that, I don’t mean dressing up like Napoleon and Josephine (which I quite enjoy as it happens)…I mean…
“I do not like red eggs and flange,
I do not like them Son of Sam !!!”
There is nothing remotely beautiful/sensual about menstruation…and if you think there is, you should probably be a coroner, or a serial killer, or both.
What’s worse, at the precise moment of the month when chicks are at their most unattractive, Nature conspires to make them horny as weasels. Very much like guys after twelve beers and a lamb kebab…only worse. Much, much worse…
My own fear of ‘flag week’ sex started in 1978, when my seventeen year old girlfriend had ‘the painters’ in but still tricked me into going down on her by saying ‘Would you like to go down on me.’ It was a cunningly simple plan, based on my love of going down on her combined with my relatively unsophisticated dining palate at that stage.
Meaning, I should have been able to taste the you-know-what…but didn’t.
At some point in the buffet I had to have a wee, so I trotted off the bathroom, turned the light on, looked in the mirror…and saw what appeared to be a naked mugging-victim staring back at me. Not only that but it appeared I’d been attacked whilst trying to lick the last bit of jam out of some imaginary jar…
It was everywhere…and like anyone who possesses what’s called ‘the gag reflex’, my blood-pressure plummeted and I immediately fainted.
Yes…go on…laugh your heads off, girls.
I mean, what kind of psycho does that to another human being ??
And you ALL do it, too…you filthy animals. Even though you know it makes me want to throw up, you taunt me with your plaintive cries.
‘Oh, stop being such a wimp. It’s just a little blood.’
‘Oh come on, it’s all quite natural.’
‘Oh, just think of it as red lube.’
Well, how would you like it if I pulled out my wing-wang, blood pissing out the end of it as though I’d just severed it myself with some garden shears and asked you to pop it in your mouth for a few minutes ??
Yeah…that’s what I thought…