Monday, March 10, 2008

it's bad news week...

Let’s cut to the chase here; I’m not a fan of period sex. And by that, I don’t mean dressing up like Napoleon and Josephine (which I quite enjoy as it happens)…I mean…




“I do not like red eggs and flange,
I do not like them Son of Sam !!!”
There is nothing remotely beautiful/sensual about menstruation…and if you think there is, you should probably be a coroner, or a serial killer, or both.

What’s worse, at the precise moment of the month when chicks are at their most unattractive, Nature conspires to make them horny as weasels. Very much like guys after twelve beers and a lamb kebab…only worse. Much, much worse…
My own fear of ‘flag week’ sex started in 1978, when my seventeen year old girlfriend had ‘the painters’ in but still tricked me into going down on her by saying ‘Would you like to go down on me.’ It was a cunningly simple plan, based on my love of going down on her combined with my relatively unsophisticated dining palate at that stage.
Meaning, I should have been able to taste the you-know-what…but didn’t.
At some point in the buffet I had to have a wee, so I trotted off the bathroom, turned the light on, looked in the mirror…and saw what appeared to be a naked mugging-victim staring back at me. Not only that but it appeared I’d been attacked whilst trying to lick the last bit of jam out of some imaginary jar…
It was everywhere…and like anyone who possesses what’s called ‘the gag reflex’, my blood-pressure plummeted and I immediately fainted.
Yes…go on…laugh your heads off, girls.
I mean, what kind of psycho does that to another human being ??
And you ALL do it, too…you filthy animals. Even though you know it makes me want to throw up, you taunt me with your plaintive cries.
‘Oh, stop being such a wimp. It’s just a little blood.’
‘Oh come on, it’s all quite natural.’
‘Oh, just think of it as red lube.’
Well, how would you like it if I pulled out my wing-wang, blood pissing out the end of it as though I’d just severed it myself with some garden shears and asked you to pop it in your mouth for a few minutes ??
Yeah…that’s what I thought…

71 comments:

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

he he he! you disgusting, disturbing cock muffin! I agree in principle - in theory, I would HATE to have some bloke biting off a bit of the old jam pancake.

travistee said...

Oh, you've given me a laughing stomach ache.
I'm totally with you, by the way.

Bo Bo said...

Ahh the Dolmio grin. Yes I too have been tricked into mauling the gutted ewok during a ‘red card’.

It was like my mouth had been raped and no matter how much I cleaned it out, I could still taste it. It ended pretty much like the shower scene in ‘The Crying Game’.

EmmaK said...

Surely sperm is as gross as blood? Except I like swallowing sperm. I mean, isn't going down on a girl with her period just like eating a bloody steak? ;) Okay, maybe do it at the end of the period, I admit those big blood clumps must stick in the throat a bit lol

Steph said...

I'm so glad I inspired such a funny post! Muahahaha! You are on a roll Mr Fingers.

Want some sauce on that hotdog?

Kitty said...

there is NOTHING acceptable about a woman doing that to someone.

i met a girl in a bar once upon a time, she let me buy her drinks and feel her tits. she let me take her home and suck her nipples in the cab on the way.

then she stripped off, threw herself down on the bed and opened her legs to reveal quite a nice little pussy....with a hideous little string hanging out of it.

i spewed and bolted.

FUCKING YUCK.

Em said...

OH my god

Arcturus said...

OK. That was one of the grossest things I've ever read. If I was 98% gay before, now I'm 105% gay.

fingers said...

MoMo: Please leave my cock muffin out of your jam pancake. Just a flat white and the cheque for me thanks.

Trav: Take 'Mersyndol' for that tummy ache. I KNOW you have plenty of that on hand.

BoBo: I suspect your tolerance for grossness is much higher than mine.

Emmak: You've just been looking for an opportunity to tell everyone you liked swallowing jizz.

Steph: Come over here and I'll butter your buns for you, smart ass.

Kitty: That's reality lezzing for you.

Em: You like ??

Arcy: Well, I'm sure your family will be relieved to know it wasn't ultimately their fault...:)

Steph said...

Ohhhh talk that dirty talk babbbyyyy!

Keshi said...

yuk yuk yuk!

LOL!

Keshi.

fingers said...

Steph: And I'm guessing I'll need plenty of butter for your buns.

Keshi: Oh good, I was wondering what you'd make of today's topic...

Keshi said...

maniac! LOL!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

** Nature conspires to make them horny as weasels.

I agree ahemmm! thats the time I write horny posts in my blog :):)

Keshi.

fingers said...

Keshi: Well, I went back 28 posts on your blog and didn't find anything horny. I think you might be pregnant. Congratulations...

Fanny F said...

Oh goodie, I love to dress up too. Meet you later tonight and I'll dress as Napoleon and you dress as Josephine.

Woops I forgot .. we'll have to wait a few days or I might offend your sensibilities.

fingers said...

Fanny: How about you dress up as The Roman Empire and I'll come as Hannibal and invade you with a herd of elephants...

rackorf said...

Well I gotta agree with you there fingers. There's some fucking sick Sheila's out there :(

Ms Smack said...

oh that's hilarious and for the record, I would not EVER EVER allow a guy to go down there, whether he begged for it, during when Aunt Flo is in town. NEVER!

fingers said...

Rack: You know, I actually don't even think they want it either. They just know you don't want it, so they make you do it. Like 'yum cha' when they know you have a hangover. It's just punishment.

Smack: Have you had many guys beg for a chance to lick the jam jar...

Kunstemæcker said...

holy motherfucking shit that sucks.

OneHungMan said...

Wow. You've just ruined one of OneHung's favorite past times. Now, he'll never be able to look at a pair of lips the same way.

Thanks.

EmmaK said...

fingers...swallowing jizz...don't most people (female or male homosexual) enjoy it or at least find it a neutral experience?
Also in my experience I usually tell the guy I am on my period do you want to go down? And they often do. Must have met some unusual guys ??

travistee said...

What is Mersyndol? Am I missing something?

Jayne said...

I did chuckle at your misfortune Fingers (sorry) but I'm in full support of men refusing to get their red wings. Ewwww, yuk, yuk, yuk, especially on emma k's comment about the clumps!

Ms Smack said...

Holy Fuck, I almost gagged on the 'clumps' comment.

"looked in the mirror…and saw what appeared to be a naked mugging-victim staring back at me" this was my favourite line!

hahahaha

electro-kevin said...

"Well, how would you like it if I pulled out my wing-wang, blood pissing out the end of it as though I’d just severed it myself with some garden shears and asked you to pop it in your mouth for a few minutes ??"

Look, Fingers.

If you can't see how iniquitous it is for us to expect the laydees to be covered in our Harry Monk* without any reciprocation then you are exactly the man I thought you were.

Just like me, actually.

(*Cockney rhyming slang for white wee wee, man fat, cock splosh)

fingers said...

Kunsty: Have you been reading Shakespeare again ??

OH: Be a good boy in this life and maybe you'll come back as a vulture in Africa.

Emmak: Who are these guys; inmates on Death Row ??

Trav: Chicks use it to control period pain. Vets use it to perform caesarians on horses.

Jayne: Speaking of clumps, my OCD is so bad I even fish the whole strawberries out of the jam before I put it on my toast.

Smack: Yes, she's quite revolting, Our Emma.

E-K: Oh please, I had a girlfriend who squirted so much when she came I used to wear swimming goggles to growl her basket (coz it stung my eyes). That's where my commitment ends though...

EmmaK said...

fingers....Who are these guys; inmates on Death Row ??
Nah but, maybe vampires ?;)

fingers said...

Emmak: I bet even guy vampires don't go down on chick vampires when it comes to the clumping...

surfercam said...

hahaha
"The circus is closed; the monkey's got a blood nose."

Yeah I think that would be a frightening experience... although I wouldn't have fainted...

(Also, thanks for adding me to your Links)

Keshi said...

lol u freak!

Im not pregz ok! Im just pregnant with worries..that may be why I cant be horny these days. :):)

Keshi.

fingers said...

SC: You should see me at the dentist. I have 20 minutes of gas before I can even get a needle.

Keshi: Not pregnant ?? Come round here. At TWG we have plans that could see you vomitting each morning by Easter...

Kelly said...

Seriously, my gag reflex is kicking all of over the place on this one. blah!

My old roommate was pretty horrible to men... one time, she made out with this guy that had this huge crush on her for like... years... and after she got drunk, the only thing should would do with him was THAT while she was on THAT. And then she never talked to him again. I could never look at that guy the same.
blech!

having my cake said...

LMAO but, like you, even Ruf isnt interested in putting his face down there at that time of the month. If his cock gets blood on it, he looks all nonplussed and has to go wash it so I really think that if he ended up with a faceful as you described, he would be quite beside himself.

And 'Clumps' was just priceless :)

EmmaK said...

fingers...actually I haven't been able to get this image out of my head:
I had a girlfriend who squirted so much when she came I used to wear swimming goggles
are you serious??? lmao

Les Miserable said...

These are all Mountjoy's comments, aren't they mate?

Yes..."in off the red". But...and I'm betting this has happened to you too...what about the sheila that takes out her tampon before the humpathon and kindly leaves it on your bedside table...for you to discover the next morning while reaching for your Rolex. And I'm talking "used" tampon here.

Which reminds me of another sheila that dipped tampons in tomato sauce and hung them as earrings at a "Bad Taste Party".

knifepainter said...

funny as fuck. I'm with you compltely, rare is not always good.

Ro said...

Emma bullied me into coming over here to give her a little support by saying that it's never bothered me at all. I'm not saying anything as positive as it's a turn-on but it's certainly not a turn-off for me. Let a little thing like face-painting get in the way of a mutual jollies? Hell no!

you should probably be a coroner, or a serial killer, or both"

Well, Im looking for a new job soon ;^)

unique_stephen said...

when the monkeys got a bloody nose it just means I get to be selfish and endure a few days of recieving unrecriprocated oral attention.

Not so bad really

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...hum. That is aweful. That is so not right.

I don't feel nice and fresh like a spring flower during menstruation, so why would I want to fuck or have my pussy licked during that time of the month? I would gag if he or she tried to kiss me afterwards.

Period sex sucks.

I have heard of those that thought nothing of it and actually preferred it. Now that I recall, I think he was a coroner. :D

Ciao babes.

fingers said...

Kelly: Charming story. They sound like a well adjusted couple.

HMC: Ruf's a clever dog...washing his own cock. Does he use the sink ?? I'm just asking coz I'd like to train the cats to use the shower, as I'm a little over their licking their asses while I'm trying to eat dinner.

Emmak: Nope. True story. She was a squirter and quite embarassed about it all. I quite liked it but she'd get all defensive when she came, so I thought I'd lighten her mood by donning the goggles one night. She freaked. We were finished by the end of the week. Funny that.

Lombay: Hello mate. How's tricks ?? What's worse is when they wake up in the middle of the night and try to put the tampon back in after drunken sex, then you get up in the morning and can't find your watch.

Knife: Exactly. And it's not like they have to forego sex completely. There's still blowjobs.

Ro: Welcome to TWG. All our chicks are currently ovulating but your disgusting request will be answered by the first available menstruator.

US: Keep smacking that monkey's nose...

fingers said...

Spiky: You snuck in while I was posting. Bad lezzer. So, do you and your chick cycle together ?? That would make life a little easier. You could both dine out on a takeaway for a few days...

( . )( . ) said...

Ewwww I wouldnt want anyone down there when flo came to town. Ugh. Women who do that are rank and festy.

Slutty McWhore said...

I have no idea if I will ever get married or (gulp!) "settle down" with a guy in the future, but if I do, he would have to be ABSOLUTELY 100% willing to go down on me during my period.

I don't think that periods are a "beautiful expression of womanhood" blah blah blah, but I certainly don't think that they're gross, so I don't understand why guys get so freaked out by it. It seems prudish and childish to me.

If you get freaked out by a bit of period blood, what use are you going to be when I'm having a fucking baby?

fingers said...

(.)(.): And the guys who do it probably still eat worms when their mothers aren't watching.

Slutty: They are some harsh terms of marital trade you have, darling. I'm not saying you won't ever get married but you're certainly narrowing the target-market with those demands. I presume that at the birth of your child, your lucky husband will be required to eat the placenta...

phishez_rule said...

Hmm. The Menstrual Minge Munch.

Can't say I'm a fan of it.

Ro said...

Fingers, sir ... if I were actually in the market for such sexual favours I would at least know that the current menstrual status of the chicks would reduce the competition ;^)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...actually we were not on the same cycle at first, but we are now.

I was cycling every three weeks...that is not fucking fun. I had to go on birth control pills to put me back on track. I have since stopped taking them. I am on a normal cycle now. We can eat out at home more often than before. Sweet.

Thank God...can you imagine...I was an emotion mess for most of the month, er...actually still am, though now I can't blame it on a short cycle. Ha!

Listen to this...I had a friend that had this talent, she could walk into a room and know someone was on their period. She said she could smell it. Is that a curse or what?

ciao baby.

Kelly said...

as do you and fountain vag.

fingers said...

Phish: As a muncher or a munchee ??

Ro: It's all a bit complicated for me. I can barely remember to do my cats' flea treatment each month.

Spiky: Are those short cycles energy-savers though ??

Kelly: As do you and Sweetcheeks...

electro-kevin said...

My work colleague told me about a laydee who'd ejaculated when he made love to her, "I'm glad it was her house and not mine." he said.

UBERMOUTH said...

Not ALL women do that. I agree that is disgusting. I nearly fainted and vomitted just reading this post.

phishez_rule said...

I haven't yet munched minge, so that makes it muchee.

Yes, I did say yet...

mutleythedog said...

But a good fuck isn't so bad is it? Lets face it - you have to get it when you can - or can't in my case...

Mone said...

hahaha, is there much a girl can do if she is horny? hahahahaha, lets make a song from it =)

Bad Bob said...

If a vampire guy went down on a vampire chick, wouldn't the teeth hook the labia?

I'd have probably developed OCD as well from that episode, although the vampire chick pic looks pretty hot to me this morning.

fingers said...

E-K: My ex-wife used to wee in the fridge, so a squirter hardly poses any concerns for me.

Uber: Are you appealing your life sentence again ?? OK, you're pardoned.

Phish: Yeah, you'll probably find a chick before me.

Mutley: Nice try but you're not going to get sympathy sex at TWG. If I don't get it, neither are you.

Mone: Well, maybe Mutley's your man then ?? Looks like I was wrong about the sympathy sex.

BB: Can vampires have sex with the light on...

Les Miserable said...

http://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUSSP10422420070718 - Japanese Love Dolls - right up your alley, I should think.

Keshi said...

:)

Keshi.

EmmaK said...

I am rather angry that a menstruation fetishist didn't pop up on this blog to argue his corner (there are such people. Don't google 'menstruation fetish' if you have eaten recently). The problem as i see it with the menstuation fetishists is they are even worse than those who wont go down while you're on the rag, cos they only want you bloody, which only lasts about six days per month. Blast!

fingers said...

Lombay: What's the point ?? The doll would just get sick of me and leave like all the rest. I simply couldn't deal with all the well-wishers saying 'Sorry to hear about your doll, Fingers.'

Keshi: What are you grinning at, Squid Lips ??

Emma: I don't think I'd Google that even if I were about to have my last supper...

Keshi said...

at u ofcourse...so r ya Squid Lips? LOL!

Keshi.

Arcturus said...

64th comment ... that's 8^2 or 4^3 or 2^6 power. Spooky. It's also my IQ and Rackorf's waist size.

Keshi said...

LOL Fingers read my reply to ya in my current post.

Keshi.

Arcturus said...

Update your blog with a more pleasant entry and get that hideous she-devil image farther down the page ... s'il vous plaît

Keshi said...

Its been like YEARS since ur Bad News Week...so plz update! :)

Keshi.

Kelly said...

mmm I like Sweetcheeks

deputy dog said...

Fucking funny pal

Let's Pretend said...

THat is a funny story - but disgusting as hell and I swear I have never pulled that trick, but there's always next month! Here's a question--did she kiss you afterwards??

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