Thursday, February 28, 2008

glad that's over...

So I went speed dating last week and it was a much more rewarding experience than I’d anticipated. You know the drill; seven guys, seven chicks, seven minutes to make their respective cases, then the chicks take a step to the left and the interview juggernaut moves on until all the chicks have met all the guys. At the end of the evening, if anyone fancies anyone else, they ask the moderator for their details, the moderator checks with the intended victim and if it’s OK with them…the deal is made.

Well, even I can hold my conversational end up for seven minutes, especially when compared to the sort of competition provided by the other six cabbages in the game, so I was quietly confident of at least one expression of interest.
Which I got; a nice looking brunette, Vanessa asked for my contact details and I gladly gave permission to release them. Vanessa was thirty-six, single, a veterinary surgeon at Taronga Park Zoo…and she’d had a rough day. The zoo had apparently lost one of their adult giraffes to a lightning strike during the violent storm that battered Sydney that afternoon, so she was quite depressed about it all.
Rather than let Vanessa grieve in peace, I asked why they didn’t have lightning rods placed around the compound to conduct the deadly electrical bolts away from the giraffes, given that they’re so fucking tall and come with those two stupid little horns, which as far as I can tell serve no purpose other than to actually attract lightning?
Vanessa mistook the sarcasm for some sort of sincere concern on my part for the welfare of the surviving giraffes and decided I was worth pursuing. We had a private little chat around 9pm, felt an instant attraction and in the spirit of speed dating resolved to keep the evening’s momentum going.
We went for a quick drink at ‘MPB’ around 9-30pm, grabbed some fast food in ‘Burger King’ at 10pm, sped back to Cunt Point on ‘The Stealth Vespa’ and leapt into bed for a quick fuck at 11pm, had a short post-sex nap, woke up around midnight for a brief discussion regarding our respective dreams for the future, realised we had somehow grown apart, agreed to a trial separation by 12-15am, gave the relationship a second chance at 1am, ran out of things to talk about by 2am, spent half an hour in silent resentment of all the time we’d wasted and finally split up for good at 3am.
Vanessa left in a taxi at 3-20am, she SMS’d at 3-30am to say she missed me.
I sobbed quietly until nearly 3-32am.
By 4am I couldn’t remember what she looked like anymore.
It’s true what they say about time healing wounds…

52 comments:

TextualHealing said...

lol- in your dreams or real life ?

electro-kevin said...

I have similar problems to you with people taking me seriously about dark issues.


http://www.railchat.co.uk/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=14594

I write as 'Thomas' by the way. Some of the responses to my post on this forum are quite earnest.

Steph said...

You are one funny bastard. I'm sitting here CRYING (well mainly due to the evil things you've said to me via email but also due to this post) and believe this would have to be one of your best posts EVAH!

Yeah, i'm easily pleased.
Kylie and I want to do the speed dating thing for blog fodder. We wanna see how many guys we can freak the fuck OUT.

surfercam said...

Funniest Post, Funniest Pic.
Great work mate.

fingers said...

Text: It must be a dream since I have no real life.

E-K: Rest assured no one takes you seriously here, mate.

Steph: Speed dating purely for blog fodder is a little disingenuous. These cunts have feelings too, you know.

SC: Thanks mate. Always happy to take one for the team...

phishez_rule said...

How sweet of you to comfort that poor girl after such a rough day.

Fanny F said...

Vanessa asked me to pass on a message from the two giraffes.

They said, "About your special request, Fingers. No, we are not interested in a threesome, although we could be tempted to indulge you with a bit of deep-throat if you take us out on your boat."

Ms Smack said...

oh fantastic post, mate.

Truly one of your best yet!

electro-kevin said...

"E-K: Rest assured no one takes you seriously here, mate."

I just KNOW that ain't a compliment, Fingers.

Thank goodness the lightening didn't strike while you were taking a pee over the side of your new boat. Electricity takes the shortest route, y'know !

Yes indeed, a fine post here.

Now what am I to do about my newly acquired giraff fetish, you bastard ?

nudeman40 said...

I thought you old people couldn't stay up past 10?

Bad Bob said...

Looks like speed dating resulted in speed fucking, a speed relationship, speed breakup and who know's maybe a speed rebound?
prty fkn fny

fingers said...

Phish: Having recently lost a very close hippopotamus, I knew what she was going through.

Fanny: Welcome to TWG. Can you come over here and hold this giraffe still for me.

Smack: Fantastic comment.

E-K: I always wear my wooden boat-clogs when pissing over the rails in an electrical storm.

NM: Can you please send me a lock of your hair.

BB: Have you been flying at altitude without oxygen again...

Bo Bo said...

- 7min conversation (Emotionally Taxing at say $2 a minute)

- 1 vodka & orange ($7)

- 1 double whopper ($5)

- A dink home ($1.20 for petrol)

- Discussion regarding respective dreams (More emotional tax at $2 per min)

- Silent resentment for 30min (even more emotional taxation at $2 per min)

- Out the door before sunrise saving on breakfast costs. (Possible saving of $20)

- SMS to say she missed you (mental trauma tax at $1000 per clingy SMS)

By my calculations that bitch owes you $1194 in back taxes.

Kitty said...

I cannot fucking believe that you and that bitch lasted longer than us.

For shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.

fingers said...

BoBo: I'm not sure but I think while she was blowing me I might have agreed to sponsor a platypus.

Kitty: If it makes you feel better, she means even less to me than you...

Keshi said...

wow LOL!

Keshi.

travistee said...

Whew! I was getting very jealous there for a moment...

Bo Bo said...

Yeah I fucked a fat chick to save a whale once…

Willy went on to make three major motion pictures for Warner Bros retired at the healthy age of 23 and was recently digested by a wealth Japanese business man

fingers said...

Keshi: Don't tell anyone but some of that story is fiction.

Trav: Yes, I wouldn't want any potential happiness on my part to impact negatively on you...:)

BoBo: I've never fucked a fat chick, although I have eaten whale before. It's delicious. Tastes a bit like dolphin...only gamier...

nudeman40 said...

You want head, pubic, or chest hair?? I really don't want to pull out ass hair. Ya know what I mean.....

EmmaK said...

Hilarious...I almost believed that tale of the shortest relationship in history but I think I smelled a rat at: I sobbed quietly until nearly 3-32am. What would there have been to cry about? The fate of the giraffe?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Now this is how you should write...a novella or better yet a epistolary novel, as it adds greater realism and versimilitude to the story.

This literature genre bordering on sentimental-satirical comedy is written very nicely.

Fab post...write the book.

Ciao babes.

fingers said...

NM: Let me check with Haiti and get back to you.

Emma: Well, I did once try speed dating as a favour to a mate who owned the bar that was hosting it. And I did once have a date with a vet whose giraffe was killed by lightning, so the 'story' is a bit of a montage.

Spiky: I am so turned on by chicks who use big words...even if they spell them incorrectly. It's the thought that counts...:)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Ha...I see. That's why I use betas.

Arcturus said...

Ha ha ha ha ...

THAT was funny, except perhaps you should've changed the names to protect the innocent. I'm sure Vanessa would love to have her name and occupation and sleazy one-night stand, I mean, date proclaimed on the internet.

I'm writing this comment while watching another one of those National Geographic specials -- this one on the formation of all of North America.

Wasn't Australia connected to Antarctica once?

Oh, yes, thank you for adding me to your blog roll. I'm flattered. I'm also assuming I'm the only homosexual male on that exclusive list.

Keshi said...

ok ok. btw how SPEEDY(fast) was it LOL!

Keshi.

fingers said...

Arcy: I took enough artistic liberty to assure the real Vanessa's identity remains a secret. And yes, Oz and Antarctica were once all part of the super-continent Gondwana. I don't know if you're the only gay male on my blogroll but you're the only one who's confessed so far. The smart money says 'Rackorf' might be playing for you team though. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Keshi:Are you being cheeky...

EmmaK said...

Fingers, I have nominated you for post of the week. By the way, are you American, you are very funny ...therefore I was wondering if you could be american as I don't usually find them funny ??

Kitty said...

Bahahahahahahahahahaahahaaaaaa!

Emma he isn't American. He is arseholian.

Keshi said...

ofcourse!

I know u forgot her face in an hour's time...but I wanted to know if u forgot the rest too LOL!

Keshi.

fingers said...

Emma: Ooh, thank you. This is my first important award. And no, not an American...Aussie.

Kitty: Bad Kitty. Heel.

Keshi:I'll never forget the other stuff coz I video-taped the whole thing...

Arcturus said...

RACKORF??

Ooooh, Lord. Now I'm scared.

(Just kidding, Rackorf.)

Kitty said...

post of the week hey?

lofty heights old man.

can i tell people we fucked when you get the award? i looooove star fucking and telling anyone who will listen!

fingers said...

Kitty: I'd rather you didn't. As you can see I'm getting quite a gay following here now, so i don't want to scare them away with my rampant heterosexuality...

travistee said...

You mean that story wasn't true?!?!?

travistee said...

PS You're wrong about Racky.

Jayne said...

Fingers, you have exelled yourself mate! The photo is far more descriptive than a shot of a bunch of skanks in a seedy bar & the use of the word 'victim' makes it all the more entertaining :-)

Wicked - absolutely wicked, in true Fingers style!

EmmaK said...

fingers....oh an aussie, yeah I find a lot of them funny. Oh well, I will continue my search for a funny american. it works out quite well actually because i live in US and am married and since i usually find funny men attractive i will never be tempted to stray!

kitty...he's an arseholian eh....sounds kinky

fingers said...

Trav: It's a work of fiction based on a true story.

Jayne: Good to have you back, Grandma.

Emmak: So, I can't have sex with you and there's no cash component with the award you gave me. What good are you...

Keshi said...

u slacker! ur supposed to make a video post for us too! :)

Keshi.

fingers said...

Keshi: It's pay per view. So pay up, Peckerhead...

Keshi said...

can I pay using a kiss? LOL!

Keshi.

fingers said...

Keshi: Yes, that would be wonderful. Send me a beautiful e-kiss and I'll send you this magical, invisible video...

Keshi said...

MWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHZ Fingers!

:):)

Keshi.

rackorf said...

Anymore comments like that cuntox and I'll send Arc some bucks to fly over and punch you 'round the ring.

fingers said...

Keshi: It's almost as though you're immune to my meanness. I don't like this one bit.

Rack: Just trying to flush you out of your hiding place, mate. I was worried maybe your jeep had flipped and you were trapped in a dry gully somewhere in Cuntsville...

EmmaK said...

fingers...I might have sex with you...if you have all your own teeth and hair (excluding back hair).

I said I don't fancy Americans.

fingers said...

Emmak: Deal. I'll just go sharpen my steak knife...

Keshi said...

yeah Im immune to all sorts of Meannesses cos I hv come across all sorts of beasts..sorry to disappoint ya babeh LOL!

Keshi.

Kelly said...

ok... I am late on this one... real late... but steph and kylie... really need to do the speed dating for blog fodder thing!

It's cruel... that's why I find it so funny.

Vanessa didn't find anything comparable between you and the giraffe did she? (One has something long... the other not so much.) No wonder she left before the sun came up and she was reminded of that fact.

UBERMOUTH said...

And she ( deservedly)took everything you owned by 8 am.

mutleythedog said...

When I went speed dating it wasn't like that at all... It was awful actually.I was the oldest by about 15 years as dating for parents apparently meant dating for parents of babies and newborns.