Sunday, April 20, 2008

five posts in ten days...that's our promise to you...


The year was 1980, I was a promising law student at the University of NSW, with a fiery, blonde, Croatian girlfriend whose fuck-head of a father would brew his own ‘Slivowicz ’ (some sort of 80-proof Slav paint thinner), force me to drink with him, then arm-wrestle me, call me a weakling pussy-cunt and threaten to bash me to death if he ever caught me fucking his daughter. Good times.
I weighed 57 kg and looked like a two-iron with ears: he was twenty-six years my senior, weighed 90 kgs and looked like a mediaeval castle door from where I was usually cowering.
One of my best friends was Steven XXXX, we called him ‘The Brain’, because ostensibly he didn’t have one. ‘The Brain’ wasn’t necessarily inherently stupid by birth, however he’d done things in his life which defied reason, even the envelope-pushing reason of a twenty year old, sliver spoon. ‘The Brain’ lived with his parents round the corner from my girlfriend and her homicidal father, down on the river at Lane Cove, in a magnificent six-bedroom mansion.
Sorry, ‘The Brain’ HAD been living there up until a month earlier, when he’d burnt down the kitchen trying to make magic mushroom pancakes at 2am whilst already under the influence of magic mushroom lasagna. In response to a ‘him or me’ ultimatum from his third wife (‘Snap the Cunt-Face Dragon’) ‘The Brain’s’ father made ‘The Brain’ pack his meagre bags and banished him from the family residence forever.
‘The Brain’s’ old man was a very scary guy. His name was Bob and he was a builder by trade; we’d have called him ‘Bob the Builder’ except that cartoon hadn’t been conceived yet, so we just called him ‘Scary Bob’. Anyway, ‘Scary Bob’ owned his own construction company ‘BHC Ltd’ (not the real name), a very successful operation which built most of the ‘Pizza Hut’ restaurants in NSW back in the eighties/nineties and made him a very wealthy, very scary, very connected-in-a-construction-industry-kind-of-way kind of guy.
Now despite ‘Scary Bob’ having recently exiled his idiot son from the family mansion, ‘The Brain’ still retained a managerial position within ‘BHC Ltd’, in an act of nepotism that made most of the hard-working, competent employees round there want to kill ‘The Brain’ and inter his remains under a ‘Pizza Hut’ floor during the next concrete-pour. They would have done it during the last concrete pour, however ‘The Brain’ slept through that one, courtesy of an all-night ecstasy binge that left him unable to make the 6am rendezvous with the five trucks from Boral, which duly returned to base and flushed sixty grand’s worth of unsupervised concrete down the drain before it set hard in their steely bowels. Doh…

To be continued…

47 comments:

Keshi said...

UNSW thats where I got my 2 degrees as well. But not in 1980...many many years after that :)

Reading ur BRAIN post made my brain go into a coma.

Keshi.

bitchtasm said...

You looked like a 2 iron with ears back then. So does that mean that now you still look like a 2 iron with ears and a lot of old loose skin?

Fanny F said...

Glad you were only a 2-iron. If you had a wood that homicidal Croatian father would have made your grave in the slab ...

sparsely kate said...

Fingers I refuse to make fun of your story in the way that these naughty girls are.

So therefore I have nothing to say.

hahaha.

Ms Smack said...

I hate rich pricks like him that get it cos of Dad's hard work!

I think you're a sexy 2-iron mofo.

Alok said...

Now I'm wondering why Your name's "Fingers"...

Madam Z said...

I love this story and can't wait for the next installment. And I must say, you were quite a courageous lad, to stand up, cowering or not, to that slivowicz-sucking Slav. As for "The Brain," was his first name "Fried?"

xl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bo Bo said...

Nice to see your fan base has grown. Is that blue steel, alok is pulling off?

Keshi said...

btw Mr.Lemony, go read my last comment-reply to u in my 'The Cure' post.

Keshi.

Keshi said...

gawwd is ur tangy brain frozen this morning Mr.Lemonster? go read my reply now.

Keshi.

Steph said...

UNSW was full of pussies. Macquarie was where the real man meat was.....ohhh those rugby players, necks as thick as their....well...what was this post about again?

fingers said...

Keshi: Yes, I expect I'd made my first million by the time you were getting your degrees in biscuit design.

BT: Leave the golf jokes to me, Groucho.

Fanny: Same with you, Chico.

Kate: Guess you're the silent one then, Harpo.

Smack: Thanks, baby. And we're all rooting for you on Big Brother this year.

Alok: Coz 'Cunt' was already taken.

Z: I've been wanting to tell this yarn for ages. And remember, whatever you read, it was all true.

XL: Welcome to TWG. The White Rabbit will be over to take your order in a minute.

BoBo: Um...what ??

Keshi: I already did, plonker...

fingers said...

Steph: If you present your Macquarie Uni diploma at any Maccas, along with $2, you can get a nice cup of coffee...

Keshi said...

Biscuit design? WTF is that? Im sure I didnt take up a subject called 'Arnotts 1011'.



Stepher...

UNSW was full of pussies. Macquarie was where the real man meat was.....ohhh those rugby players, necks as thick as their....well...what was this post about again?


hey girl I went to UNSW...for 5yrs hun. I saw real Aussie MEAT there..I swear I did LOL!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

**If you present your Macquarie Uni diploma at any Maccas, along with $2, you can get a nice cup of coffee...

hahahahaha too good! Sorry Stepher ;-)

Keshi.

Regulus said...

57 kilograms?

I had to go and look up a conversion because, as you know, in the States we use the Late Stage Imperial System in which 1 small monkey = $1 trillion war, and it turns out to be 127 lbs, or thereabouts.

As for this story, I don't like where it's going. Let me guess: he ends up dead or in prison?

Also, you should limit your entries to one a week, otherwise you're comment peanut gallery doesn't have time to ferment and, like yeast, rise to great heights/numbers.

Wait, that didn't sound right.

Thank you for adding my new-and-improved identity to your blog role.

sparsely kate said...

Is ms smack going to be on Big Brother? **runs off to email ms smack immediantly**

Kylie said...

No Kesh, you have it backwards. Everyone who COULDN'T get into Mac, went to UNSW.

Bless.:p

electro-kevin said...

My first job was on building sites and ALL the construction bosses were scary motherf****rs. So I left and got a job in the police dealing with East End gangsters which was altogether much more agreeable.

sparsely kate said...

The guy I married worked for a concrete supplying company..we lived up in Port Hedland for 6 months while he poured it into slabs all over the Pilbara.

I've never met a more scary looking bunch of dope-sucking, bourbon swilling, sexist, racist jerks in all my years.

It was either me, or Port Hedland, so my boyfriend chose me.

fingers said...

Keshi: Get your Ice Vovos out.

Regulus: Sentio aliquos togatos contra si conspirare.

Kate: That's the rumour according to Steph's BB blog.

Kylie: Macquarie: excellent bank...cunt of a university.

E-K: Have you ever dealt with East End money market dealers ?? Now they are scary mofos...

unique_stephen said...

I did my undergrad at Sydney, UNSW and Club Mac, my Post grad dip at Club Mac and my masters at UNSW

(Sorry Steph, I didn't play rugby)

I can vouch that the chicks at Sydney were much needier and therefore easier to manipulate into putting out.

UNSW and Club Mac were all foreign chicks who for some reason were not susceptible to my charms; I don't understand that at all.

Kitty said...

he might be a 2-iron but oy vey - there's some wood to him too lemme tells ya - WHAT A WEDGE!!!

I love being your caddy baby.

love ya smoopie. xx

Keshi said...

Im not a bickie girl...Im a hot-dog kinda girl LOL!

Keshi.

fingers said...

Kate: I had an ex that chose Nhulunboy over me. I was rapt.

US: Did you find it difficult getting to classes on three different campuses ??

Kitty: Are you channelling Mel Brooks again ??

Keshi: The get your buns out...

electro-kevin said...

My erstwhile colleagues in the Fraud Squad at Wood Street dealt with the corrupt East End dealers. I have no knowledge of them really other than they could drink stupid amounts and still sound more coherent than the judge in court (the cops that is).

Cocaine remains the stimulant of choice among dealers nowadays - and doesn't it show !

Keshi said...

urrrrrg I wanna eat it?

Keshi.

Jayne said...

Looking forward to Chapter 2 on this Fingers :-)
(Did the project manager put a claim in for the wasted concrete?)
*bollocks, I've been in the industry too long*

mutleythedog said...

I guess you mean you were thin right? Is that what a 2 iron is like? Didn't the mushrooms make the Brain vomit at all? I only wondered as I had this friend once and....

Les Miserable said...

Largest Human Penis Recorded: 13.5 inches long and 6.25 inches around (documented in the early 1900's by Dr. Robert L. Dickinson). "Robert L. Dick-in-son" WTF?

Dr. JÀrn Ege Siana, a Danish plastic surgeon holds the record for greatest penis extension. He took a 48 year old's 1.8 inch wang and added 5.7 inches.

You with me?

Bad Bob said...

I used to work with a fellow who was similar to the "Brain", but we called him "Rocket Scientist". It was later shortened to "Rocket", and he always thought both nicknames were cool.

2 iron with ears. Would that be the club head up or down??

fingers said...

E-K: Like BMWs and Hugo Boss double-breasted suits, coke never goes out of style.

Keshi: I'll trade you a nibble on your samosa for a bite of my hot dog.

Jayne: Sadly they weren't covered for drug-fucked negligence.

Lombay: Are you on the Absinthe again ??

BB: Of the ten stupidest things I've ever seen done, 'The Brain' was responsible for about half of them...

Regulus said...

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!

Also, could Les Miserable provide a link to that useful bit of info. No, really. I'm serious. Not that I'm a size queen.

Ms Smack said...

hahaha You are such a bitch. I see what you're trying to do!

Keshi said...

lol wuts MY samosa? I can guess wut ur hotdog is!

Keshi.

EmmaK said...

What happened to the Brain? Is he now in the Australian cabinet?

Steph said...

Hey, a two dollar cup of coffee is worth more than a UNSW diploma! ;)

fingers said...

Regulus: Vini, vidi, visa.

Keshi: Same thing, I suspect.

Smack: Gee...and I was being so subtle too.

Steph: Champagne comedy. You must have studied one-liners at Macquarie...

Thursday's Child said...

Come on fingers, we are all waiting with anticip.....

Keshi said...

:):)

**Hey, a two dollar cup of coffee is worth more than a UNSW diploma! ;)

diploma? LOL!

Keshi.

fingers said...

Emmak: Ooops, sorry baby...missed you there. You'll just have to wait and see what happens to The Brain. I've had the flu and my creative juices are mainly phlegm just now.

TC: How about you give some laughs from RSVP. Come on. Show us some e-mails.

Keshi: They used to scribble Macquarie degrees on the back of beer coasters...

Steph said...

Glad you got the joke Kesh. *whoosh*

Keshi said...

haha Fingers!

Stepher hunnay, we dun do 'diplomas' in UNSW aha!

*says that with an attitude*


lol HUGZ!

Keshi.

unique_stephen said...

It was all rather civilised. I had inter uni lectures for both Astronomy and Geology, I don't think it was all that uncommon for science subjects with specialist equipment like X-ray diffraction machines, telescopes and electron microscopes with ionizing beams. I usually had lectures and labs on different campuses on different days. There were only a few days that I had to migrate between campuses mid day and there were a bunch of us so we used the uni bus.

Les Miserable said...

Well you did pinch my favourite expression - "wing wang".

So I'm on a roll. I thought I'd seen everything until I came across this yesterday. In a word...or two maybe - "fucking unbelievable". Check this out. BTW don't mean to hijack your readers. Keep this to yourself if you like. He'd make a good FX dealer wouldn't he?

http://www.welcometowallyworld.com/quirky-shit/2008/5/1/extreme-body-mods.html

Friday said...

You were a Law student in 1980??? Thats nearly 30 yrs ago. Fuck. I gotta get me some real friends.
Cheers.