Monday, April 14, 2008

at the third stroke...

Have you ever noticed the remarkable shift in viewer demographics that the Channel 10 network and its advertisers seem to imagine takes place at midnight? Apparently, when the clock strikes twelve, the relatively normal, healthy, well-adjusted day shift scuttles off to bed with their respective partners and the night-shift bundies on.

So, what sort of creature inhabits the night, according to Channel 10 and its sponsors? Well, to answer that question, you’ll need to look beyond the mere programming and read between the none-too-subtle lines of the various commercials.

If it’s 12:01am and you’re still up watching television, Channel 10 advertisers think you’re almost certainly a single male, most likely a wanker, and not just figuratively speaking either judging by the enormous number of young ladies they have queued up just waiting to chat to you; ladies in underwear/bikinis; writhing around on top of their bedcovers unable to sleep presumably due to the intense mid-April heat?

Why not give them give them a ring, ‘Vaseline Boy’ (‘Call me…call me now…’), since you’re obviously both terrific people, tragically alone and yet, strangely awake at precisely the same time. It’s fate, although even fate has a price; $3-00 per minute…higher from mobile phones.

OK, maybe you’re not a pay-to-play kind of guy but Channel 10’s sponsors still suspect you’re probably a total dork, completely lacking any real-world skills? Well, you’re on the right channel ‘Dweebo’, because whether your pleasure is heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, tri-sexual or even transsexual, they have a matchmaking website tailored to your specific needs. You’ll never need to leave your darkened room to date in person again once you go online with the thousands of other socially awkward people looking for a meaningful relationship, a one-night-stand or a simply a little anonymous cannibalism.

While you’re at it, perhaps you could lose some weight too; not much good meeting your perfect cyber-partner looking like that, is there? Hey it’s your lucky day, ‘Pork Chop’, because they have the ‘Flab-Buster Pro’ to help you shed those unsightly kilograms while you’re sitting there eating doughnuts by the light of the television. Sure it might look like just a large inflatable rubber ball, but check out the army of celebrities already using it to help them tone their fabulously un-single bodies.

And that receding hairline isn’t doing you any favours either, ‘Baldy’. You really should consider a visit to the specialists at ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Hair’.

Finally, one of the best-kept late night secrets, ‘Lawnmower Man’; there is a growing legion of self-made billionaires working from home for as little as sixty seconds a week, using the revolutionary new ‘Megabucks Now’ system of wealth creation. This guaranteed path to unimaginable riches is apparently not available to day-shifters, who are condemned forever to their working-class existence.

And you’ll certainly need those billions of dollars shortly, ‘You Stupid Cunt’, especially if you keep spending all night on the chat lines, buying RSVP stamps, ridiculous exercise machines and wonder hair products.

In fact Channel 10 should just come right out with a new viewer classification for that time of the evening; ‘LFBPG35+’ ??

The following programme is suitable for ‘lonely, fat, bald, poor guys over the age of 35’…

53 comments:

sparsely kate said...

Yep, I've seen those ads and I think they come on even earlier than midnight...I've seen some totally ridiculous woman writhing around on the bed at about 10pm and wondered who on earth would ring such a scam (I guess 14 yr old boys might)

The trick is, Mr Fingers, is to switch over to SBS and get some cultural education with a bit of tits and ass thrown in if you are lucky. I enjoy my SBS foreign movies because I can totally pass it off as me being edgy and arty and not just a perve on the couch wondering if the boys will take their shirts off.

unique_stephen said...

I used to do the IT for a certain deceased stockbroker who's "report" was advertised in late night infomercials; sandwiched between blue-blocker glasses and abb flattening machines. It attracted tens of thousands of punters who wanted to get rich quick.
I ended up being the IT help guy for Sydney's great unwashed.

Stoopid cunts

Josh said...

Wow, sounds like someone had got the shits after being ripped off.

Did your hot "call me now" date turn out to be a hairy trucker or worst still Bo Bo?

Anyhow what are you doing out of bed so late? I thought they turned the TV off and cleared the common room at 9:30 in most nursing homes.

fingers said...

Kate: I'd be surprised if they came on earlier as I think the advertising rates plummet to about $10 a minute after midnight. I feel so dirty lying there watching the Formula 1 some night.

US: Now there's some uber-smooth Finance Guru on getting interviewed by one of the '60 Minutes' rejects and his advice seems to be to buy slums in the western suburbs.

Josh: No but I spoke to your sister last night. She's wondering whether you're going over for dinner this Sunday...

EmmaK said...

Having two kids and craving sleep these past eight years I can't honestly say I've watched TV after midnight for years. I do think the programming you describe is aimed at drunk people though as it is in the UK (do your pubs let out at 11.30 like in the UK, if not this is a puzzle). I do definately remember many nights as a student coming home pissed and finding it 'hilarious' to phone those local date chat lines and say obscene things to lonely sad wankers.

travistee said...

What are you doing up so late, Fingers? Hmmm...

Arcturus said...

You've just about described ALL American television beyond a certain late night hour. Glad to know it's not just in this wanker country live in.

Tri-sexual? What's that? Is that like a male lesbian thing? Or is it just group sex -- you, that girl from the zoo, and some other inhabitant from said zoo. Pretty image indeed.

Ha ha

By the way, is it possible to email you? I wanted to tell you something but preferably by email.

Arcturus said...

TravisTee -- Isn't the answer obvious?? He's watchin' that stuff. Closely.

fingers said...

Emmak: Absolutely agree. There's nothing more fun than getting really drunk then ordering a home-gym and some fake hair. Good times.

Trav: I like to hang out in chat rooms and tune rich Texan widows.

Arcy: Of course it's possible. All you need is my e-address, silly. You're not going to confess you dream about me too, are you...

Arcturus said...

No, nothing like that. Besides, I've seen what you look like -- KIDDING!

I couldn't find your email address, though, on your blog, and I prefer not to leave mine since it is just my first and last name.

fingers said...

Arcy: Try blecagot@yahoo.com.au

Kitty said...

um...you were totally watching channel 10 while they aired those "sad old guy" ads weren't you? so, you know... they aren't screening them at that time for nuffink.

me? i don't watch telly. it's for idiots.

Kitty said...

oh, i do watch America's Next Top Model and i also watch Pussycat Doll: Search For The Next Doll, but only because of the poon-fest, so that does not count.

Kitty said...

Geeeez you're blogroll is getting long! Your tongue must be getting tired licking that many bums darls...

Steph said...

I LOVE late night tv. It's friggin hilarious especially if you're half pissed or......on other stuff....not that i do that but I have heard.

fingers said...

Kitty: So, you have basic Foxtel with The Mindless Drvel Package added on.

Steph: I live for the day you and Kylie co-host 'The Mint' in your underwear, hornbag...

Fanny F said...

I purchased the "Contour Cloud Pillow" from Guthy-Renker after seeing one of those ads.

One night, after it arrived, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow. In the morning my pillow was gone.

Arcturus said...

I sent you an email ... well, two. (Ignore the random line on the bottom of the second one -- I don't know that appeared.)

fingers said...

Fanny: I had a dream I was a giant marshmallow and someone was trying to sand me with a belt-sander. Woke up to find the cats licking my helmet.

Arcy: Yes, I received them, mate. Look, I'll see what I can do but I have no idea how to get Josh's phone number for you...:)

Josh said...

Do you wear a mouth guard with that helmet or are your teeth in a jar beside the bed? Now stop lovi'n your cats dude.

As for my number, I wondered why you stopped calling. Your alzheimer's must be kicking in, it is still 555-ROKHARD

bitchtasm said...

Um. I tend to be in bed by then. And not always asleep. I tend to think that midnight is the perfect time to wake up my partner and ride him oblivion.

Just ignore the fact that I haven't had a partner in... how many years?

electro-kevin said...

Very good observations, Fingers.

So what're you up watching it for ?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

I don't watch much television, other than maybe watching a movie.
I will watch 'Dancing with the Stars' tonight, my cousin Eric will be performming tonight. Yay!

Sometimes when I can't sleep I watch television and see those commercials. Ha, they're a crack up. I thought it was the comedy channel at first. Funny shit.

Ciao babes.

fingers said...

Josh: Sorry mate, I've been calling the wrong number. I thought you were 555-KOKHEAD.

BT: It's a common misconception amongst your people that my people like being woken up at 2am to be ridden like a merry-go-round.

E-K: I honestly have no idea.

Spiky: Thanks baby. I get alot of e-mails every day asking if I know what your television viewing habits are...

Bo Bo said...

Well at least Channel 10 has bikini clad women after midnight.

Channel 9 just runs Labour Party commercials

Josh said...

You see that is where you went wrong. 555-KOKHEAD is Bo Bo's number.

Yer cheating fucker.

Ms Smack said...

I'm gonna skip the wise-cracks and just say I thought this was a fantastically written post! Really made me relate to those late night ads, which however hideous, I can't turn off, and mostly it made me laugh.

Kelly said...

I'm so glad you found a channel that is catered to fit you wants and needs Fingers.

Now, go call your 'girlfriend' but don't mention to her that you spent your budgeted money for phone sex on the rototiller. You know how much women hate tools.

You tool.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers...ha...I wondered where all my stalkers had gone to.

Babes...I don't watch the tele much cause I'm working. Who do you think talks with some of those wankers, er...I mean lonely souls in her Victoria Secret undies...me.

Ha...ciao babes.

I loved the post.

Bo Bo said...

Fingers- Yeah 555-KOKHEAD is my number, if you want to get a hold of Josh you gotta call 555-SPANKINGMYMONKEYNIGHTLY, it’s an international call.

fingers said...

BoBo: Shit, are we having another election ?? That was quick.

Josh: I lost the fridge magnet with your number on it. Can you send me another one.

Smack: I defy anyone to sit and laugh their way through Jessica Simpson's 15-minute ad for ProActiv.

Kelly: Whose turn is it to choose the channel on the trailer park's TV tonight ??

Spiky: I made you come five times and I still got charged full freight for my troubles.

BoBo: It's always engaged. Must be Arcy calling for free after midnight from the US...

sparsely kate said...

my favouite light night ads are the one's with the fat people who loose a lot of weight. Remember that tai-bo? or whatever it was called? those were good ads.

Oh and Anthony Robbins! He has that sparkle in his eyes and his pants, or so it would seem. If the single parent pension plan allowed me to own credit cards I would SO be buying his 'change your life around' 30 day deal.

sparsely kate said...

light night ads. hahaha. I meant to say 'late night ads'.

;0

fingers said...

Kate: How big were Anthony Robbins' hands ?? His fingers looked like bananas...

fingers said...

Kate: You'd better be sending these comments from your wireless Crackberry or I'll be very angry with you...

Keshi said...

I hate the TV Mr.Lemony. :)

Keshi.

Solitaire said...

hahah! and obviously u r one of these males?

sparsely kate said...

fingers: I wasn't at the park specifically when I wrote those comments, but I will be going today. Outside. In the sun. With other people.

p.s Anthony Robbins is a big boy indeed and reminds me of Tom Cruise's older brother that he never had.

Regulus said...

Fingers -- Did you get my email reply to you? This is my new blogger identity for now.

Regulus said...

Perhaps my email to you, Fingers, may be going directly into your junk box...

fingers said...

Keshi: Life is too long not to watch TV.

Sol: Well Keshi won't give me her home phone number.

Kate: He reminds me of Lurch. 'You rang ??'

Regulus: OMG, is that you A**y ?? Brilliant disguise. I thought I was being spammed by a company selling Roman laxatives...

Keshi said...

haha yes ur right...life is too long indeed..for TV that is :)


**Sol: Well Keshi won't give me her home phone number.

Sol doesnt know it either Mr.Lemony..so dun try. LOL!

Keshi.

fingers said...

Keshi: Not this week anyway. The horny post on your blog is a dead giveaway these days...

Keshi said...

so not! haaaaaaaaaha u got fooled!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

*nenenenene*

:)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

and read my reply to ya in MY blog.

Keshi.

bitchtasm said...

I love Merry Go Rounds. Almost as much as midnight sex.

The young ones don't complain. Only the old farts who think of sleeping as a hobby. I don't see what the big problem is anyway. Its not like I'm waking them up and asking them to vacuum. They don't even have to move. All they have to do is lie there and take it!

Mone said...

I like to work only sixty seconds a week, where do I have to sign up??????

Hahahahahaha, thats the nightowls way of life :)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...it was four orgasms...I faked the last one. hehehe

As for payment...no refunds, but come see the video of my cousin Eric (he's handsome and so strong) dance at my blog. I think you will like his partner. I licked my lips...yum. She is hot and...watch all of it, you will love her.

Ciao babes.

Madam Z said...

Several years ago, when I was at work (as an accountant) I dialed the "800" number for the IRS, to get some information. I must have accidentally hit the "9" button instead of the "8" and got the "900" number of a phone sex business. A sultry voiced woman started right in telling me how horny she was and describing her private parts and what she was doing to them. I was totally blindsided by this and was paralyzed for a minute before I got my senses back and could hang up. Then I spent the next month worried sick that the "900" phone number was going to show up on my company's phone bill and be traced back to me. Fortunately, it wasn't.

Now, I think it would be fun to have a job like that. getting guys off over the phone would be much more entertaining than accounting.

fingers said...

Keshi: So, what are you going to do with all that pent-up friskiness ??

BT: We used to call that move 'The Paul Revere'. Giddyup. I must admit I prefer the early morning dip myself. It's important in a relationship to find a partner with similar timing.

Mone: You're a hoot. Come here and I'll give you a mouse.

Spiky: You faked it ?? I didn't notice coz I was cheating on you on another line at the time. Sorry.

Z: I know what you mean. One time at work I was trying to access 'www.semigovtbonds.com' and accidentally typed 'www.milfhunter.com' into the browser...

Clyde said...

Geez after a few beers it's gotta be better than Letterman or the SBS movie from Slovenia.
And definitely more educational than Gladiators

Keshi said...

gonna release it all soon lol!

Keshi.