Tuesday, April 01, 2008

here...spidey, spidey, spidey...

I live next door to a very nice lady; Suzee.
Apart from me, she’s the only other building-resident less than one-hundred and twenty years of age; about fifty, separated, runs her own business and generally seems quite independent.
Like I said, she’s a very nice lady who reminds me a lot of the brunette ‘Ab Fab’ chick, only a little more together. Last weekend, Suzee knocked on my door, a little hysterical, and asked if I could come over and remove a large Huntsman spider from her balcony. She’s terrified of spiders and when I went over to take a look at the problem, I saw this one was the size of a dinner plate, all set up in a high corner with a lovely web.

I said, “Sure, no problem. What’s in it for me ??”
“Huh ??”
“You heard me, Suzee. If I’m going to do your pest control, what are you going to do for me ??”
“Fingers, are you being revolting ??”
“In your dreams, you old bat (she likes it when I’m cheeky to her)…I mean is there any danger of some domestic reciprocation for services rendered ??”
“OK, I’ll iron a few shirts for you.”
“How many ??”
“Three.”
“No deal. That spider’s huge. And it’s breeding season, so it’ll be looking for something to kill and feed to its young soon.”
“OK. Five.”
“No way, Suzee. That is a ten-shirt spider if ever there was one. Maybe twelve.”
“OK, OK…ten shirts.”
“And properly ironed too. Not just sleeves and front…I want the collars pressed and the backs creased.”
“Of course.”
“And a blowjob…”
“Just get that fucking spider off my balcony. Please...”
“OK. Ten shirts, properly ironed and you can owe me a blow job, Gummy.”
“Yes, whatever…just get rid of it, pleeeease…”


So, because I abhor the killing of Nature’s creatures (except cockroaches and French citizens), I got a Tupperware container from Suzee’s pantry, coaxed Mr Huntsman into it, closed the lid tight, walked out of the unit and into the garden, where I planned to release him back into the wild.
Until I had a particularly brilliant idea…
Long story short, my new pet spider is now living and working full-time in my wine-cellar, where he gets free, secure lodgings and all the insects he can catch.
And as soon as I run out of ironed shirts, I have a funny feeling ‘Mr Huntsman’ will be holidaying on Suzee’s balcony…

69 comments:

Arcturus said...

Any ideas on a suitable name for him?

(YAY! I'm comment no. 1!)

sparsely kate said...

You are a man with big thinking goggles on, fingers.
Always one step ahead of the game.

So what are you going to do when the spider hatches all it's mini-spiders into your wine cellar and renders it like a set out of Arachnophobia? Think anyone will want to go down to there to get themselves a fine bottle of merlot?

huh? huh? not so clever now eh!

fingers said...

Arcy: No point really. he doesn't come when I call anyway.

Kate: Don't be silly. I had it spayed. And FYI, there are no fine merlots. Merlot is a hoax...

Keshi said...

arrrrrrrrrrrg I hate spiders!

**Apart from me, she’s the only other building-resident less than one-hundred and twenty years of age;

LOL!



And u really said all that to her? ur a meanie Fingers.


btw can I hire ya for PEST control in my neighbourhood? there's an annoying guy next door. plz catch him n release him to the wild.


Keshi.

fingers said...

Keshi: Sure thing. You've seen my prices. But I don't need any shirts ironed at the moment, so we can skip that bit...

Fanny F said...

Oh no. I have a huuuge spider in the corner of my bedroom that needs taking care of - but I really suck at ironing :(

bitchtasm said...

Fanny you know he's going to ask how well you suck at sucking.

Fingers you filthy prick! you should know that spiders are territorial and will naturally head back to their own homes. And if they don't, who cares? I just gave you the perfect excuse for unlimited 'ironed shirts'.

( . )( . ) said...

ooooh thats despicable. But clever, very clever.

cyber mistress said...

yer nasty! on d second thought, well, I couldn't believe you didn't squish it... but I won't squish it, tho. There's much mosquitoes to be massacred...

Jayne said...

You're such a slut fingers! So Suzee has dentures..............I reckon she's 'serviced' you before :-)

EmmaK said...

I suppose after the fifth blowjob the penny will finally drop in her head that maybe she could just avoid an unpleasant experience and just get rid of the spider herself. this is your way of being caring and teaching her to be self-sufficient?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Spiders die at any size if it gets anywhere near me and mine. Flat as pancakes I smash them and I'm not afraid of them. I just hate the fuckers.

Fingers...ironing shirts and blow!I'm very good at both. hehehe. I actually love to iron clothes. My girl hates to iron.

One spider to guard your single bottle of Australian 2007 Pinot Noir?

cioa babes.

fingers said...

Fanny: Tell the truth. You just put that spider there yourself, didn't you ??

BT: Well, he looks pretty happy down there in the Cab Sauv aisle. I don't think he's going anywhere.

(.)(.): That's out family motto.

CM: Welcome to TWG. I prefer to squish bloggers than insects. It's more fun.

Jayne: You should see Suzee. She's a clone of that Ab Fab chick. And she even has a girlfriend who looks enough like the the other one to make it all quite spooky. They sit out on the balcony till a million o'clock getting slaughtered and chain-smoking. It's hilarious. You always know when they're hammered coz they crank up their Robbie Williams DVD and start singing 'Let me entertain you'.

Emmak: It's probably just the lesser of two evils.

Spiky: According to the statistics, you've probably swallowed more than 10 spiders in your sleep by the age of 30...

electro-kevin said...

It wouldn't have crossed my mind to ask her to iron my shirts.

;-)

(Old women are definitely the best don't you think ?)

fingers said...

E-K: Do you mean old women or older women ?? Either way...NO...

EmmaK said...

you are 47 am I right? what's the oldest woman you would date? apart from suzee and that's not really dating.

fingers said...

Emmak: In case there was any ambiguity, let me simply say that the only things Suzee ever gets the wrinkles out of is my shirts...

Fanny F said...

You're on to me!!

It took me ages to catch him, and I had to climb a ladder and superglue all 8 feet to the wall 'cause the bastard kept running away.

fingers said...

Fanny: Well don't think I don't appreciate all the effort you've gone to...

Keshi said...

I'd blow...yeah blow-dry ur hair I mean.

LOL!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

btw that comment abt 'joking' in my current post, wasnt abt u. It was abt the first comment in that post by someone else.

:)

Keshi.

fingers said...

Keshi: I think you're holding your blow-dryer too close to your head. You've cooked your brain...:)

Ms Smack said...

funny post mate.

travistee said...

Fingers....I found a giant scorpion in my bedroom....can you come over?

Steph said...

What? No pest control in the retirement home?
I'd ask for a pensioner rebate if I were you, Mr Fingers!
:P

Keshi said...

nah its ur head actulally lol!

Keshi.

electro-kevin said...

E-K: Do you mean old women or older women ?? Either way...NO...
(Fingers)

Old women are so much more experienced don't you think ? They know exactly how to get the wrinkles out and have the lightest of touches ...

... they know how to fold the shirts properly too.

Kitty said...

...I belie' Mr Fingers had a birfday and he is now 48...

Isn't that right Smoopie??

badkelly said...

hahaha

I'm glad of two things.

I don't live in Australia.

I don't live next to you.

Cause I don't like spiders, and the thought of your wrinkled, dirty, old, cheese covered, limp,

ahem!

shirts...

doesn't appeal!

badkelly said...

don't appeal?

wtf ever.

UBERMOUTH said...

You carried that Huntsman spider back to your place all by yourself?
How Charles Atlas!

UBERMOUTH said...

I DO have a governors pass btw :)

OneHungMan said...

That's great, but what about the blow job?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...statistics say a person has eaten 10 spiders by 30 years old!

I tend to agree with Mark Twain when he applied with force...There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.

Ciao babe... :D

fingers said...

Smack: You always say that. Surely one of my posts must blow goats.

Trav: Get a snake.

Steph: My sponge-nurse looks just like you. Sometimes I just close my eyes and...

Keshi: What were we talking about ??

E-K: My grandfather recokoned old chicks came more, but he said it was just from sheer gratitude.

Kitty: Not yet, Tiger. You've still got 8 months to come up with that hand-made card, Pookie.

Kelly: If you sold all the trailers in your park you couldn't come up with enough cash to live in Cunt Point.

Uber: Huh ?? You are on weekend release ?? But don't they serve strawberries on Sunday ??

Spiky: Ok, you've swallowed 10 eight-legged statistics then. Bon appetit...

Keshi said...

ur HEAD...the one above ur neck that is. LOL!

Keshi.

badkelly said...

you being old.

are you starting to forget things already?

kimba said...

Ahh.. Cunt Point.. You could do a raging trade if you expanded to cockroach extermination as well..

..but I guess man can't live on blow-jobs and ironed shirts alone..

fingers said...

Keshi: I'm glad you get to come over here to TWG and get all these base urges out of your system.

Kelly: I think you looked at the wrong comment, Mrs Magoo. Keshi...Kelly...time to get that prescription adjusted.

Kimba: Welcome to TWG. Was it the tasteless comment over at Kate's that you found irresistable...

Bad Bob said...

To hell with the shirts, you can get them done at the dry cleaner, but unlimited blow jobs!?!?!?!
I am afraid they don't have those kinds of spiders here in the states though.

Madam Z said...

If I kill your spiders and iron your shirts, will you give Suzee a blow job?

Ms Smack said...

haaaaaaahahhaahhh at Zelda!

Steph said...

Strangely. Disturbingly. Slightly. Aroused!

GAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Kitty said...

so when i infiltrated cunt point hq and you stowed me in the cellar for a week...you were only FORTY SIX?

jebus baby. MOISTURISE.

Kitty said...

hey...you ignored onehung!

YOU CUNT!!!

fingers said...

Bob: Actually, I can get blow jobs at the local dry cleaners too. It's a mother/daughter Korean operation with a lucrative side-business.

Z: If I iron your blouse, will you blow my spider.

Smack: You goose.

Steph: They all say that.

Kitty: You stole my wallet. Have a look at my driver's licence if you don't believe me.

OH: Sorry mate. I did miss you out there. Complete accident. Nothing personal but I know how devastating these things can be...

surfercam said...

You're an evil genius!
I like it.

Bo Bo said...

Suzee’s fifty, separated and has her own business.
She sounds perfect for you fingers.
And the fact that she’s old enough to be your younger sister.
Well that’s just dandy.

badkelly said...

shit! My young eyes played tricks on me! You would think I was an old shit like you...

Who said I was going to sell anything to live near you, honey?

What you can't afford, you bat your eyelashes and push your boobs up to get! You are learning nothing from the internet are you?

That's all if I wanted to live by your scary spider and evil kitties.

Go post more pictures of you cats on Icanhazcheezeburger and hush about me and my trailer trash neighbors. ;-)

EmmaK said...

I can get blow jobs at the local dry cleaners too. It's a mother/daughter Korean operation with a lucrative side-business.
I have a similar arrangement with a father/son team of mexican gardeners. The one trims my bush while the other makes sure my buds are kept erect.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Sweetie babes, now that's more like it. Ten 8 inches of...er, I mean 10 eight-legged statistic...I can swallow, with relish. Yum! :D

Ciao babes.

travistee said...

A snake?
Will you never fall for my feminine wiles, you fingery thing?

fingers said...

SC: It's what I do.

BoBo: She was dating this SAS dude last year. That was fun when it all went pear-shaped. Nothing like coming home and finding a trained killer in the foyer screaming, 'Let me in you cunt...'

Kelly: Bat anything you like, baby. No one gets into Cunt Point without a million bucks.

Emmak: Word amongst the Mexican tradesmen is that your taco is smooth and delicious.

Spiky: How am I supposed to respond to that drivel...

fingers said...

Trav: You snuck in while I was typing. That was very wily of you and I fell for it...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Obviously with your own drivel.

Kisses and hugs

Ciao babe.

electro-kevin said...

BoBo: She was dating this SAS dude last year. That was fun when it all went pear-shaped. Nothing like coming home and finding a trained killer in the foyer screaming, 'Let me in you cunt...'
(Fingers)

He can't have been SAS - he would have been in and out having planted his DNA without her noticing it. In any case - if a fifty-year-old is good enough for SAS she's good enough for you. Forget the romance and foreplay ... gerrin' there and let percy in the play pen.

Ms Smack said...

Next post, please :)

Les Miserable said...

"Indians! Head for the hills men"

"What about the women?"

"Fuck the women!"

"Do we have time?"

EmmaK said...

I just read a personal ad you put up here. I don't think you had to lie and say it's as big as a baby's arm or that you are 28. The $772k bonus would have had most ladies removing their panties (or teeth in the case of the over fifties). Any response yet?

fingers said...

E-K: He wasn't very stealthy for an SAS man. Used to park his black helicopter right out front where everyone could see it.

Smack: Do you write to Brittney every few weeks saying 'Bring out a new album ??'

Lombay: Champagne comedy.

Emmak: I wouldn't even mention my bonus if it was under a yard. How embarrassing for the cunt...

Arcturus said...

The spider's name can be "Americus Iraq-Na-Phobia."

Ha ha

fingers said...

Arcy: Are you Nyles Crane in real life...

Keshi said...

heyy Lemony fingers hows ya? :)

Keshi.

Ms Smack said...

hmmm both love coke, both would make lousy parents, both have too much money and waste it, both like pretty things... and you both have short shaved hair.

OMG! Is that you Britney??

"LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE"

Mone said...

You have brilliant ideas Fingers!

fingers said...

Keshi: I'm waiting for you to come round and squeeze me.

Smack: Hey, I'd be a fabulous dad. Sort of like a white Bill Cosby but edgier.

Mone: Yeah it's just one stroke of genius after another round here, baby...

electro-kevin said...

Hey, Boat Boy ! At risk of a Smack-esque put down from you ...

your output leaves much to be desired these days. Are you absolutely sure you're not spending all your time banging that 50-year-old neighbour of yours ???

Keshi said...

I made juice outta ya LOL!

Keshi.

Catherine said...

LOL!!!