Sunday, May 04, 2008

the right thing to do...

If the hooker had looked dead when we first picked her up at ‘Les Girls’, she looked even deader now.
‘Did you kill her, Brain ?’
‘No, she took another shot of smack a while back and then she just collapsed. She’s been like that for a few minutes. Check her pulse. Is she dead ?’


I leaned over the unconscious girl and placed a finger on her carotid artery. She had no pulse whatsoever, although I’ve since learned that the carotid artery is apparently in a different position to where I was pressing, so that may have explained it. Nevertheless, at around 2am I pronounced her dead, which did not suit ‘The Brain’ at all…
‘She can’t be fucking dead.’
‘Well she is…so what are we going to do about it ?’
‘No, no, no…she can’t be. Get a mirror and hold it in front of her mouth…see if she’s breathing at all.’
Now that was a surprisingly good idea from ‘The Brain’, so off I went in search of a suitable mirror. All of them were either attached to walls or simply too large to be practical but eventually I found a shaving mirror in ‘Scary Bob’s’ bathroom, which I unscrewed from its extension arm and brought back into the lounge room. I held the shaving mirror in front of the girl’s face while ‘The Brain’ supported her head gently.
‘Breathe you cunt, breathe,’ begged ‘The Brain’.
There was nothing; no respiratory vapour condensing on the mirror at all. This chick was as dead as she appeared according to our thorough medical examination. Of course, in our diagnostic haste, we had failed to consider that shaving mirrors were specifically designed not to fog up…but that fact wouldn’t occur to me until a few hours later.
‘She’s toast, Brain. We have to call the cops and report this.’
I may not have been a brilliant doctor but as a Year 3 student of the law, I was fairly sure about the correct procedure for dealing with corpses.
‘No way, no cops…’
‘Are you fucking kidding me, Brain. We haven’t done anything wrong yet. The silly cunt O/D’d…it’s not a crime unless we fail to report it.’
‘I don’t give a shit about the cops but if we call them, then they’ll call ‘Scary Bob’ and he’ll know we were here and then we’ll all wish we had OD’d.’
‘So, what do you suggest ?’
‘We have to get rid of the body.’
‘What ? Who the fuck are you…Ted Bundy ? How do we just get rid of a body ?’
‘We can tie her up, weight her down with rocks or something and throw her in the river…’
Conveniently, the house had frontage on The Lane Cove River, with a private jetty and a small dinghy for getting out to ‘Scary Bob’s’ large cruiser, which was normally moored a hundred metres away.
‘Are you completely insane, Brain…I’m not dumping this body in a river. We didn’t kill her; we’ve got nothing to hide.’
‘OK fine but when ‘Scary Bob’ is called by the cops, while he’s on holiday with ‘Snap’…and has to come racing back to Sydney to sort this out…and he asks me who else was here…I’m going to say ‘Fingers’.’
‘Right…you go find some rope. I’ll be in the garden looking for rocks…’

To be continued…

47 comments:

Keshi said...

LOL @pic!

r ya serious? Im gettting worried by the day Fingers. Cos u cud be Jack the Ripper's re-incarnation!


**What ? Who the fuck are you…Ted Bundy ? How do we just get rid of a body ?’

haha!

Keshi.

Steph said...

So you didn't root her first?

sparsely kate said...

call me a bleeding heart or something but all I can think of is, that poor girl and what sort of childhood did she have to get to her land as just a 'poor c**t' in some strange house with a bloke that only cares about getting in trouble from his elders.

I hope she wakes up!

sparsely kate said...

....not very filled with yumour today am I? woops!

Josh said...

Ah, Fingers Patel, now we know who you really are.

The problem I see is that by year 3 of law you only knew how to locate a wallet and jugular on the patient.

It is not until nearer graduation that they teach you how to check the pulse for any last billable minutes.

fingers said...

xl: Your blog has a magnificent title. Any danger of some content at some point ??

Keshi: Still want to put your vindaloo next to my pie ??

Steph: BB has already begun to rot your brain.

Kate: I hope she does too.

Josh: Very good. I can just imagine Nyles Crane saying something clever like that to Frasier...

Josh said...

Nyles Crane??? Why don't you just kick me in the nuts or better yet tie me to a rock and chuck me in the river?

fingers said...

Josh: Don't be silly. Gay, intellectual humour is very 'in' just now...

Josh said...

Fair call but Nyles is just so, so, 90's gay. I was so hoping to come across a bit more naughties metrosexual...

Bo Bo said...

I hope you used the Timber Hitch knot to tie up the body and the Constrictor knot to tie the rock. Otherwise it could all go horribly wrong.

Keshi said...

lol u beef boi!

Keshi.

fingers said...

Josh: Hope is cheap. Indulge away, Pillow Biter.

BooBoo: I certainly wouldn't want things to go wrong after they were all going so well up until now.

Keshi: Mooooooo...

Keshi said...

baa baa..

Keshi.

fingers said...

Keshi: Keep off my green grass, you black sheep...

Keshi said...

ok white-ass sheep. LOL!

Keshi.

fingers said...

Keshi: It's a nursery rhyme. I wasn't being a racist, Tandoori Breath...

Bad Bob said...

How hammered were you? I would think that would be a real sobering event. It would take a lot of rocks, and how would you attach them? Besides, you'd want to go a long way down river.

When we go partying, I think "Brain" should stay at home.

Jayne said...

Now this is the sort of case Denny Crane would love........
Fingers, I have eagerly awaited this episode. You have not disappointed, altho I'll be most surprised if either you or Brains didn't get a quick shag in before the next move. G'on, admit it, I betcha checked to see if her hair colour really was natural!

electro-kevin said...

I would laugh but ...

... this is all TRUE isn't it !

Every fucking word of it IS TRUE !!!


What fiction writer would have thought of the non-misting shaving mirror detail ?

A mate of mine when we were kids had an air rifle. He fired it from his bedroom window at two lads walking down the street. One collapsed to the ground clutching his forehead. My mate panicked and shouted "Oh my GOD ! I've KILLED HIM !" he then reloaded and I asked what the hell he was doing "I've got to get the other one quick or he'll be a witness."

EmmaK said...

I can't be bothered to re read the earlier posts but come on fingers, please tell me that you were on seven sorts of drugs to go along with the Brain's crazy plan to get rid of the 'body' which was actually not even dead??

fingers said...

BB: Well, I wasn't as hammered as I was the night I tried to steal the light plane on Dunk Island. Taxied halfway up the runway before they caught me. And I most certainly do NOT know how to fly an aircraft of any kind.

Jayne: You silly old sausage. Marty Crane, the ex-cop, is Nyles and Frasier's father. Now, as much as it must make a biker-chick like you cringe that we let an unconscious person go un-fucked, there was no non-consensual rumpy-pumpy. We were killers, not perverts.

E-K: It's an interesting choice. Either I'm a stone-killer or a brilliant fiction writer. Either way it's a panty-moistener.

Emmak: I'd love to tell you but I wouldn't want you to have to go to all the bother of reading it...

travistee said...

Steph: That's why they were worried. They were afraid they were necrophiliacs...

Regulus said...

Hi Fingers,

Sorry I haven't been by your blog lately. I have been busy / distracted/ depressed* and even more self-absorbed than usual. (*See my Arcturus blog for that.)

I won't comment on the current multi-part entry series of yours until I've had a chance to read it properly. It looks kinda gratuitously violent and like it will end badly, if I had to guess. Of course, I'm not sure if you're telling a true story or just spinning a yarn, or some combination thereof.

My favorite yarn/scary camp fire story right now in America is entitled "Nov. 9" when all the liberal Democratic Obamanaics wake up to find Grandpa Keebler Elf McCain the President.

Keshi said...

I knew that and thats why I said white-ass sheep. OMG who's being a racist now hahahahahahaha!

Keshi.

Mars said...

interesting...

fingers said...

Trav: Oy, listen here Poirot. So far, the only finger I've laid on this girl was to check for a pulse. Not guilty until proven...remember.

Reg: Your elections last longer, are more vapid, more debasing and less interesting than Big Brother. Amazing that the fall of the American Empire will not be the work of Machiaveli but rather the doings of Bozo the Clown.

Keshi: Oh yes...Babu the white-ass sheep. A famous Tamil children's story.

Mars: Deep...

Bad Bob said...

I guess it's a good thing that they caught you. Taxiing, taking off and flying around isn't all that difficult when sober. The good thing about cars, is that you usually survive some serious crashes. Not so with an airplane.

I guess I had better be there next time.

Les Miserable said...

"Breathe you cunt, beathe" - he's a class act this "Brain".

Hey just found a great blog on here called Naked Chicks On Post-It Notes

BTW digging the story. Then what happened...

Bo Bo said...

I suppose, it was a shame about the Jag

Keshi said...

**Oh yes...Babu the white-ass sheep. A famous Tamil children's story.

lol u know alot abt Indians. How come??


Keshi.

Steph said...

BB rotted my brain? So what's your excuse??

Jayne said...

Duh, I know I'm fair, fat & fifty Fingers, but I do know the difference between Marty & Denny Crane - Denny as in Boston Legal? He's a total pervert, just like you.........*coff*
and
seeing as "We were killers, not perverts." I need to ask if you're still in practice, cos I've got a coupla rag'eads on my hit list who need sortin' out?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

I guess Scary Bob...is really very scary, huh?

I love it. The characters through your dialogue support themselves as very believable individual characters. Well done. Character building is sometimes toilsome to some writers.

I see 'Fingers' as the dominating presence and most likely the protagonist of this story. Yes?

I am flummoxed as to why Scary Bob is so scary. Tell your readers why he is so nefarious. I'm curious.

Um, one more thing, please don't say you did actual research as to how to get rid of a body. Now that would be scary. :D

Ciao babes.

Kitty said...

uuuum aaaaah! spiky thinks you're making it up!

she don't belie' you!

Kylie said...

Oi! Fingers! What's this pic you're talking about???? Did I look hot at least?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

kitty...Yikes! Is it all truth, babes? Don't tell me Fingers is writing his biography?

Suddenly it all makes sense.

Kitty, I'm afraid and I think Scary Bob should be too. hehehe. :D

fingers said...

BB: I got to ride in the plane an hour later when they voted me off the island.

Lombay: Well, what happens next is...

BoBo: You're a true humanitarian.

Keshi: I majored in subcontinental mythology at Uni.

Steph: I see you've been reading 'The 12 Year Olds Big Book of Comebacks' again.

Jayne: I can't watch BL. For this aging trekkie it's too painful seeing Bill Shatner in that state.

Spiky: Scary Bob's first two wives were both killed in accidents. Number One was run over by a bus whilst in the shower and Number Two apparently choked to death trying to eat a footbal sock.

Kitty: You little pole-Kat.

Kylie: Steph likes to take pics of you passed out with your skirt over your head. I buy them off her for $5. If you can better that price I'm happy to deal directly with you.

Spiky: Nothing gets me hotter than a sarky lezzer...

Kitty said...

spiky: you don't believe fingers the dirty old barstard?

he wouldn't lie. i mean, he would, but he isn't this time.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Oh...kitty, it's true! I best get my cow girl boots and spurs on. And get my holster riding my hips, like I like them...and my guns with the pearl handles, they are loaded.

I'm a ready for them, kitty. You just stand behind me. Why I'll put a bullet bigger than an a kangaroo through anyone trying to hurt us...Why, I ain't never heard of a person getting run over by a bus...whilst taking a shower!!!

That Scary Bob sounds a tad shifty If'n you ask me, but I ain't afeard of em.

Fingers...You best hit the floor when the gun fight begins. Cause I'm coming out with both guns a blazing.

Take that Scary...BOB!

Fingers, the thing is, kitty really has convinced me. It really is true. Isn't it!

Fuck me...this is like the old neighborhood. Ahhhh, it's nice to be back home. :D

Ciao kitty.

Ciao Fingers.

Steph said...

Big book of cum backs? Don't recall seeing that down teh p0rn shop.
Can you not brag about things I show you in confidence? That is so rude!!

fingers said...

Kitty: I don't write stories. I don't have a vivid enough imagination for fiction.

Spiky: I have no idea why you're channeling Cat Balou but I'd like to see you and Kitty wrestling nude in a big bayhtub of grits.

Steph: Fair point. I apologize, Princess...

Keshi said...

hahahaha!

Keshi.

Steph said...

I was JOKING, you knob!!

fingers said...

Steph: Good. I'm relieved that I hadn't really offended you; I was actually a bit worried there, Steph. You know I adore you.
Then again, I guess if you really were angry, you wouldn't have sent that girl/girl pash pic a few minutes ago.
You were saying, Knobbo...

UBERMOUTH said...

LOL@ Bundy reference.

Steph said...

Gees you tell some huge porky pies!!!

cat said...

Sorry Fingers...he woke you at 4am and you pronounced her dead at 2am?

WTF?