I hate the fucking Swiss !!!
I hate that despite their convenient sense of neutrality, the way they look you in the eye and say, ‘No, no…during the war we made cow bells, cuckoo clocks and chocolates,’ when in fact they were allowing Nazi train-convoys to reverse into their cavernous bank vaults and disgorge a mountain of gold fillings, plundered directly from the teeth of their unfortunate, former- European owners, that they can’t see they’re nothing but Germans minus the attitude, nuts and sense of responsibility.
I hate that despite not currently having a standing army, nor having been at war for the two-hundred years since Napoleon kicked its strudel-making ass, Switzerland still claims to manufacture the best ‘Army Knife’ in the world. Ha !!! No wonder it was amongst the last countries in history ever conquered by the French. I can just imagine the great Swiss military geniuses of their day devising a trap to lure ‘The Little Emperor’ into a mountain pass then obliterate his forces with a withering barrage of corkscrews, nail-files, toothpicks and Allen keys. ‘Yeah fucker…and if you survive the onslaught, there’s a bunch of us armed with Phillips-Head screwdrivers, tweezers and retractable soup-spoons behind that...’
I hate that despite being land-locked, never having had a navy of any description, nor a sea-faring adventurer of any note, this boring collection of professional yodelers somehow managed to win ‘The America’s Cup’, thereby proving what a simple thing it should have been to do so in the first place.
I hate that the Swiss convinced me to pay two-grand for a genuine ‘Tag Heuer’ watch that keeps no better time than a fake one costing ten bucks…but what I really hate most about those filthy cheese-fonduers…is that despite the admittedly infinitesimal possibility that by doing so they might unwittingly have caused the end of the universe, they took a chance anyway and switched on their ‘Large Hadron Collider’ without asking me first…