Saturday, September 06, 2008

and it came to pass...

And ‘The Brain’ destroyed the E-Type Jag and the 600 Mercedes. He caused The Great Flood then commanded the waters to recede (taking the carpets with them). He smote all the creatures in His Father’s House, par-boiling the fish and slow-roasting the canaries. He cast His Father’s Wine upon His Father’s Stereo and made His Father’s China Hutch bend and break according to His Will.
And behold ‘The Brain’ saw what he had done…AND IT WAS NOT GOOD.
Not fucking good at all…

“Do you think we can fix all this before ‘Scary Bob’ gets home?” asked ‘The Brain’, not well known for his use of rhetoric.
“Well, it’s Sunday today…tomorrow is XMAS Eve, Tuesday is XMAS Day, Wednesday is Boxing Day…and your folks are due home on Thursday…so I’d say you have more chance of getting a blowjob from Jesus,” I offered by way of a reality-check.
“I wonder if ‘Scary Bob’ will see the funny side of all this?” ventured ‘The Brain’.
‘Scary Bob’ was even less well known for his use of humour than ‘The Brain’ was for his use rhetoric.
What followed was a short, earnest conversation about what it meant to be a man. We reminisced about the good times we’d had as kids, as teenagers, the absence of responsibility and lack of accountability…but that at some point as young men we had to accept there were consequences that accompanied certain actions, that young men sometimes did foolish things, but that real men stood up and said “Yes, I did that…I am to blame…and I will make amends.”
It was the first and only meaningful discussion I’ve ever had with ‘The Brain’, who then went to the wall-safe hidden in his parent’s walk-in closet, removed two-thousand dollars and fled by bus to Queensland, where he lived on a barge for the next three years beyond the reach of ‘Scary Bob’.
I haven’t seen a lot of ‘The Brain’ in the intervening years; he went his way and I went mine. We’d run into each other at landmark events such as 30ths and 40ths, weddings and the occasional funeral, but we were never as close again as we were that glorious summer. ‘Scary Bob’ eventually forgave ‘The Brain’ for his sins; even re-hired him with a view to grooming him for the top job at ‘BHC Ltd’.
However ‘The Brain’ chose to walk his own path in life, turning his back on a career in construction management to take up a lucrative position in the methamphetamine-distribution game and doing very nicely until he started using his own product and poking his supplier’s Columbian girlfriend and was chased at gunpoint down his home street in Bondi Junction.
He’s now forty-seven years old and lives in Perth.
Last year he married that Columbian girl; she is half his age and already has two children half her age from her previous relationship, which ended abruptly after her boyfriend was given a ten-year jail sentence for dealing drugs.
I went over for the wedding…
‘The Brain’ looked trim, taut and terrific, his new wife was utterly gorgeous and a really lovely, intelligent young woman, the kids were very friendly and beautifully behaved. Together ‘The Brain’ and ‘Mrs Brain’ run their own small construction/renovation business, which is doing well…and he’s happier than most people I know.
I bet you judgemental cunts didn’t see that coming…

PS…as a wedding present, ‘Scary Bob’ gave ‘The Brain’ a complete dental restoration to repair the damage done to his teeth by the crystal meth addiction. His new teeth are about three sizes too big for his mouth, so he now looks a bit like Dick Emery’s priest character when he smiles. I’d post a wedding photo as proof…but even ‘The Brain’ is entitled to his privacy…

42 comments:

Keshi said...

awww wut a soppy autobiography!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

pink stick btw does not always mean 'joy' stick!

Keshi.

fingers said...

'...But in the kitchen, we cook, eat (unless you have a separate dining room), make coffee, have little cosy chats with friends...'

We can't all be as edgy as you, Keshi...

Lilith said...

I have been waiting patiently for this denouement and have not been disappointed. I look forward to future installments when the Brain's kids accidently trash the Kwinana desalination plant...

Keshi said...

wuteva!

Keshi.

Bad Bob said...

Scary Bob doesn't seem so scary after all now. I had been waiting with anticipation, but all's well that ends well I suppose.
"The Brain" sounds like he did OK after all. The chicklets for teeth could be pretty funny, however, even if Scary Bob didn't see the humor in any of it.
I'll be waiting for some more off the wall adventures.

xl said...

"judgemental cunts"

You say that as if it were a bad thing.

cat said...

Meth is such a bad, bad thing. I have friends that have kids that have gotten on that crap.....and half the time they only get off of that shit if they are put in jail or die.......very little, if ever, recovery.

Sounds like the "Brain" had a little brains enough to know that he needed to better his life.

Glad you where around to see him make the change for the better. It sounds as if you both have at least kept in contact with each other thru the years. Good to have friends like that.

fingers said...

Lilith: I know it wasn't the apocalyptic result everyone was hoping for but I just wanted the story to end.

Keshi: Plonker.

BB: Believe me, 'Scary Bob' would have had his son flambeed if he'd been able to get his hands on him. 'The Brain' did not break radio silence for nearly three years after that weekend.

xl: Never judge a book by its cover until you've walked a mile in its shoes.

Cat: We actually had an intervention for him at one stage. Six well-meaning friends lecturing him on the stupidity of drugs. Slightly ironic, since we were all doing lines in the bathroom in between giving 'The Brain' all those pieces of our minds...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers...hum, Well let me tell you mister...this judgemental cunt, um girl, saw that coming. Plus I was right about Scary Bob...I knew he was a pussy. Why my dear old Catholic School band camp teacher...sister mary Alice was tougher than Scary Bob.

hehehe.

Well written Fingers...I so wanted to see a homicide.

Like...

The body of 'The Brain' a close friend of popular cook book author Fingers, was found dead face down in a ditch. No wound were visible but the the autopsy showed one bullet up his arse contributed to his demise.

In other news, Fingers of Cunt Point has been reported missing along with his boat.

There are reports that he has been seen in Colombia and is doing research for a new cook book set to be released in July 2009.

Hehehe.

Ciao babes...have a fab week.

Keshi said...

boo f'n hoo!

Keshi.

fingers said...

Spiker: If I'm ever looking for a co-host here at TWG, I'll give you a buzz.

Keshi: Um, am I missing something here...

Keshi said...

yes..ur missing ur pink stick.

Keshi.

fingers said...

Keshi: Have a look under your tongue...

Regulus said...

Sigh. Not sure what to comment.

How you doing, Fingers?

fingers said...

Reg: Yeah, this comment thread is diabloical. I'm even bored with my own efforts...

SPARSELY KATE said...

I'm glad the Brain story is a 'wrap' as they say in the industry. Apparently.

I'm also glad for a happy ending - I hope Ben Cousins gets the same sort of happy 2nd chance ( you know, off the meth and finds himself with a resurrected career)

Bo Bo said...

…………and they all danced and played with gumdrop smiles and
lollypop sprinkles………

What The FUCK

I had to go back and read all the previous stories to
Remember that they and you were funny & talented.

I waited months for a fairytale ending?

You should have had a warning at the start of these stories.

WARNING: Ending is extremely forgettable and GAY.


So how you going Fingers? Whats news?... ;)

fingers said...

Kate: Yes, I just know all my readers will be thrilled about the happy, neat, optimistic ending.

BooBoo: I thought you were over in beijing for the Vegelympics ?? Aren't you supposed to be running in the marathon for the emotinally disabled...

( . )( . ) said...

Who you calling judgemental.

I like a happy ending to a story. Glad your meth head friend with massive teeth sorted himself out.

electro-kevin said...

Getting a blow job from Jesus ????


Oh God ! OH GOD ! OOOOH GOD !!!

Steph said...

First of all, LOL'ing like a loon at your comments. You are a vicious cunt and thats why I heart you. Keep it up.

Secondly, Bad Bob is a pussy! Bad my arse. Boooo to him!

That is all.

cat said...

Hey, it didn't sound as if you and your friends where the ones with the addiction.

You were all just making the "best" out of a bad situation.

Nothing wrong with trying to see things in a better light with some help from a little extra!

You are just what I needed this morning, 1st thing. You keep me always coming back!

electro-kevin said...

What a lovely story and such a happy ending.

3 years on a barge with a crystal meth addict. That's some pennance for a couple of budgies, some fish and a carpet. Couldn't you have just bought Scary Bob a card to say sorry ?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers: Sweet!

Hey do co-hosts get to say Heeeerrreee's Fingers...you flamin cunts!

That would be cool!

Hey could we...um, I mean YOU get the beautiful and devine miss steph (out of retirement) and elegant kylie as guests? That would be bad ass. Hell...the whole
blog-universe would be here.

Oh and how about animals...could we...I mean YOU have a kangaroo and maybe a dingo on animal night?

Okay...the band! Who would you get as your band?

Okay...when want a co-host, I'm there for you babes...ready.

tick...tick...tick

Hey...did you buzz? I thought I heard a buzz...No?

Okay.

Ciao babes.

EmmaK said...

way to go...he must be on some super pure form of meth that he looks to hot or maybe its just humping his nubile wife. I was hoping he might be one of the has beens on the intriguing site face of meth:
http://tinyurl.com/csoep
This site is hours of fun!

fingers said...

(.)(.): Well, I said judgemental cunt...but you're not judgemental, baby.

E-K: I wonder if that bearded cunt would be able to tell you were lying about not coming in his mouth.

Steph: Ooops, see I know you meant 'Scary Bob', but right now I suspect 'Bad Bob' is sitting in his wingless plane sobbing like a baby.

Cat: Yes, alot of chicks say I'm just what they need in the mornings. Sadly, they all tend to settle for a coffee instead.

E-K: He used up his 'Sorry Card' when he took Bob's brand new 47' fishing boat out for an unauthorised night cruise and ran into a concrete channel-marker.

Spiker: That wasn't me buzzing. I think you have wasps...

fingers said...

Emmak: Sorry baby...didn't see you sneak in there. Yeah, I've seen that site before. Some of those faces though, it's hard tell which is the 'before' and 'after'...

unique_stephen said...

I'm glad you came out of it with all your teeth still in your head and working kneecaps.

mutleythedog said...

I am mostly unsurprised..

Keshi said...

nah its under the carpet. lol!

Keshi.

Kitty said...

um....my brother is a meth fiend.

the cunt. he still has teef but.

phishez said...

Jeez. This reminds me of the night I lost my virginity.

'Is that it?'

Funny story in all. I especially liked your summarizing skills - 10 posts in 6 lines at the start.

Kelly said...

Does the Colombian gf pee in the refrigerator?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...sweetie...where are you, babe? I brought a cold spoon with me. :D

Hey, just dropped by to tease you and say...have a fab Friday and weekend.

Ciao baby.

Ms Smack said...

Finally you finish the story. I would have loved to have seen more antics about the brain being hunted down by the drug dealer at Bondi LOL.

Sounds like a scene from underbelly!

Jayne said...

".......Scary Bob’ gave ‘The Brain’ a complete dental restoration to repair the damage done to his teeth......"
I was so expecting to read '.....from when he smacked him in the mouth & knocked 11 teeth into his tonsils...'

A fitting ending Fingers & a most enjoyable read.

ROHIT said...

hi
hello
how was your day?
i liked your blog
you are fantastic!!!

really nice blog
fabulous fantastic
bye
take care
see you

fingers said...

US: Yes, it was a fairytale ending for everyone.

Mutley: Well, that was a fucking waste of time then, eh.

Keshi: I'd like to roll you up in a carpet.

Kitty: How glamorous.

Phish: Yes, that was it. You can put your panties back on now.

Kelly: That comment smacks of having nothing to say, you lazy cow.

Spiker: I was taking a cold shower. It didn't work. I still have wood but now I'm fucking freezing as well.

Smack: Yes, well I can't just MAKE stuff up, can I ??

Jayne: Thanks. I just want to move forward from that story and get on with my life. I'm glad you understand.

Rohit: I wish I had more sensible people like you in here. You should see some of the cunts that comment on this blog...

Keshi said...

yeah rite, I'll be ROFLing!

Keshi.

Les Miserable said...

Yep...I agree "Bo Bo" - the ending was "gay". You got sick of the story didn't you mate?

Kelly said...

yeah... I'm full of that lately, asswipe. ;-)