Wednesday, October 01, 2008

i said i wouldn't but...

This very expensive holiday has turned into a complete nightmare, so I thought I'd cheer you lot up by showing how even the best laid plans of mice and assholes go astray...


When I booked this dump, the webpage stated that there were uninterrupted views of the ocean from the living room, yet clearly that dead tree in the middle has completely ruined everything. I'm so fucking upset. Where's my chainsaw...



If I stand over here, I've found that the I can block the dead tree out but now that shitty column is in the way. Fuckety, fuck, fuck fuck...I can't take a trick...




My bedroom is a huge disappointment too. The view is bearable but as you can plainly see, some of those window louvres aren't perfectly parallel. Why does this shit always happen to me...




Oh, and the tennis court I was promised is being re-surfaced, so they gave me this bullshit pool table next to the glass-walled swimming pool. Yeah like that's going to make up for it...




But worst of all, I can't find the fucking ice-bucket anywhere and it's really hot out on the spa deck. Every time I want another glass of Krug, I have to ring this stupid little bell and wait for Miguel the cabana boy to get the bottle from the fridge and ride down on the baby elephant with it. It sucks...

71 comments:

Steph said...

Evil Bastard.
Answer your email too ya twat.

Ms Smack said...

I can't believe you're settling for this 2nd rate service when if you can clearly spend thousands of dollars on your door knobs, you could have clearly spend thousands of dollars flying to Maldives?

Your standards are slipping, old man.

xx

EmmaK said...

You seem a bit cranky. Why didn't you take a luscious lovely with you to massage your back as well as your ego and look decorative in the jacuzzi? Elementary my dear Watson.

Clyde said...

And that bloody cleaning girl---wont keep her top on while she's polishing your knobs

So how do you play tennis on a pool table ?

Effortlessly Average said...

Yet the way you handle adversity is an inspiration to us all.

Ms Smack said...

Fingers is by far, the wind under my wings... or something. LOL

fingers said...

Steph: Yeah but money can't buy me love. Try blecagot@yahoo.com.au and i'll pick it up there. I'm not on remote from work up here.

Smack: It's a recession, mate.

Emmak: I'm a bit calmer now. Miguel just used the baby elephant to tear down that dead tree.

Clyde: She hasn't cleaned anything yet. Too busy lezzing it up with the towel-warmer chick.

EA: Mate, that's what I'm talking about. I'm glad i reached you.

Smack: It's the least i can do. And I always like to do the least I can do...

phishez said...

You need to get laid in the worst possible way. Then maybe you'd be a happy old cunt!

Thursday's Child said...

Sometimes I hate you fingers. Then it passes.

Enjoy your vacation.

Steph said...

Zomg! You just gave everyone your email?
LULZ. I shan't bother now. I'll let everyone else spam ya.

fingers said...

Phishez: Thank you. If I ever decide to get laid in the worst possible way, I'll be sure to give you a call.

TC: Aw, don't be like that. Maintain the rage.

Steph: Yes, but I don't have to read any of it, Gonzo...

xl said...

In the last pix, isn't that Unique Stephen's 4X4 on the far edge of the beach?

travistee said...

Remind me never to visit Australia if that crap-hole is what passes for a suitable place to vacation.
Poor Fingers!

Tiffany Cavalli said...

Guys that can afford such luxury accom only wear Rolex even with thin wrists :-) The Tag guys have the accom two rows back..with no view. whats up here..? Im not buying your thin wrist story.. :-) You forgot the by line.. Wish you were here! love Tiff

Kitty said...

*walks past with enormous stack of towels*

"oh hai! just been scissoring your cleaning girl smoopie. it's ironic cause that biatch is sooo filthy dir-tay i needs me a shower. which is also ironic, cause i am the towel warmer girl."

Madam Z said...

Life isn't fair, honey. Next time, go to Tiajuana.

Memphis Steve said...

Getting the elephant to tear down the tree took me over an hour. Damn fucking rich Aussie bastards are never satisfied. Oh hell, there's that fucking bell again! What does he want now?

Josh said...

Wow. After jacking the prices up again last summer I was wondering who would be stupid enough pay the rent on my little beach house this year.

Looks like I now know who....enjoy.

( . )( . ) said...

Hmmm.... gee, nice pad. Shame about the lack of character.. but whatever floats your boat.

All that white would just bore me to death.

Nothing is more boring then white.

Or for that fact, a really long pointless comment.

Like this one is seeming to be.

No one likes a long boring pointless comment.

But....

What if the comment has a point.

Oh the confusion.

sparsely kate said...

..and there are starving children in Africa.

sparsely kate said...

that was just a joke!!

We all know you got those photos off the web and are really writing from an internet cafe from the lobby of the YHA in Taree. :)

rackorf said...

Miguel tells me that, while you're busy spa-ing it, he uses your toothbrush to scrub the dunny with.

cat said...

OMG! I'm blind, blinded with pure jealousy.

Have a great time fingers and enjoy!

EmmaK said...

have you sampled any of the local prostitutes yet?

Chuck said...

Meh. It's a bogan outfit for sure, Fingers. Next time just buy your own yacht with the island built in.

It'll save you the heartache.

Bad Bob said...

Fingers, I agree about the non-parallel blinds. That would drive me crazy.
As far as the dead tree goes, get Miguel to go down there with a rope and his elephant.

My version of "The best laid plans of mice and men...are usually about equal."

I hope you are able to get at least part of your money back.

unique_stephen said...

I feel your pain and extend to you my most heart felt condolences.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Ha...um, Gosh...it's like going camping huh? Really roughing it huh? hehehe

That's a nice place mate.. *grins* That just doesn't sound right with a Southern accent.

Did you get the champagne I sent to your little place, yet? Wha-hey...if you like, I can send Fi-fi to fix those window louvers, but please send her home as soon as she is finished.
And you and I both away on vacay and work thingies at the same time...

Hum...wait! Um...A nice quaint vacay spot!!! With window louvers that aren't perfectly parallel...and we are both away...on vacay and work thingies...hehehehe.

Now just what are the odds of that happing? :D

hehehehe...Ciao babe.

Wait...before I go....I just have to say Hi to my e-girlfriend...Hi Tiff, baby. I miss you.

Hey some people talk funny here, But wha-hey, I'll figure it out as I go. Sweetie, that vegamite taste like 100% total crap. Sorry maties but it's twuuuuu!

Ciao babes...hehehe.

fingers said...

xl: No, that's just a car-load of tourists that got sick of whale-watching and came over to watch me instead.

Trav: Not just that but the weather has been just a bit too perfect. I don't trust it. It's up to something.

Tiff: There's no need to wish I'm here. I'm already here. Silly girl.

Kitty: And the good thing about having a towel-warmer girl with such a tremendously large ass, is she can warm two bath towels at the same time. Or one really, really big beach towel.

Z: Isn't OJ Simpson going to Tiajuhana ?? I'm sure I heard the judge tell him 'You're off to the can, coon.'

MS: Did you let the elephant shit in my mouth again ?? Always happens after I drink sake.

Josh: Hey, you left the gay porn in the DVD. Want me to bring it home for you ??

(.)(.): The place has loads of character. It's me that doesn't have any.

Kate: Oh really ?? Name three of them.

Rack: Actually, that's rather a relief to know. It explains everything and means the elephant is in the clear.

Cat: You know what would make it even better ?? If you were here...with my jetski.

Emmak: Are you kidding ?? I don't know how much the Noosa hookers charge but it's $10 just for a latte up here.

Chuck: OK, now that's just totally ruined my day. You cunt.

BB: I can't believe if they know about the problem that they don't supply a louvre-straightener. I had to re-assign the job and now there's no one to set up the pool balls.

US: At last, someone who understands. I was getting a little sick of the sarcasm in here.

Spiker: Oh goody. I'd just finished my book, so now I can take your comment down to the beach and read that for a few hours...

Jen said...

If that's what hell is like, sign me the fuck up.

unique_stephen said...

The problem with those glass sided pools is you can see when people are peeing.

Memphis Steve said...

I didn't let the elephant shit in your mouth, but I'm afraid you might want to avoid the hot tub for the next few days.

Hey, I never claimed to have any skill with controlling an elephant. And I had no idea they were so accurate with their poo. I swear to God he did that on purpose. Shit.

Josh said...

Apparently Bo Bo left that DVD there last week. You can return it to him when you next hook up.

Clyde said...

Ok, your time is up
Now pick up your empties, clean up the elephant shit and get off my beach

Tiffany Cavalli said...

lovely visit yesterday Fingers.. appreciate the support on minority rights! give it horns! love Tiff

villageidiot said...

I agree with US - people with no (or low) standards will never understand those of us with high ones....

Bad Bob said...

I had no idea that life was so tough down under.
A lot of other people "rough it" on their vacations too, but when you don't plan for it, the vacation can make one a bit testy.

electro-kevin said...

Sorry to see that you're having a really shit time, Fingers.

If I can help you out with some money or something you only have to ask.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers: baby...sweetie. Was that you on the beach yesterday reading through a sheaf of papers?

I wanted to stop and talk with you a bit but decided it was best not to...I had to get back to the chateau. I mean Tiffany was flying in and I so knew she would want to bath, eat, drink wine and fu... Damn it! I should have invited you over for supper. It would triple the fun.

hehehe...

Hope you are having fun on your vacay, sweetie. :D

My visit here a success...so far. I actually do love it here and the people are fabulous. I just wished I didn't bring so many clothes. But if I didn't I would have wished I had. I know who cares. hehehe

Ciao babes...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers: I just wanted to say since you kind of hinted, Tiff and I aren't the same person...really.

She's fabulous and I do take it as a compliment though. Anyway just saying.

Tiff sweetie, will be by you blog later...

Ciao babes. :D

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers: Okay...I'm bored. Waiting to go on and do my thing. Then I'm out of here and next stop is Mebourne. Um...you know any lezzer clubs there?

Just asking....Ok...I'm out. Woo!

Ciao.

fingers said...

Jen: The grass always looks hotter on the other side.

US: Yes but on the upside you can watch TV underwater.

MS: Just have him ready for the baby tiger hunt at 4pm.

Josh: Had another look at it and it's not gay porn. It's your dance competition video. Easy mistake to make.

Clyde: You have the worst beach in Australia. You can hardly move in the water for all these fucking dolphins playing in the surf and whales basking offshore.

Tiff: No problem. Wait till you hear my views on models.

VI: Sometimes I wonder if they're the luckiest people of all, Village. *yeah right*.

BB: Tell me about it. Yesterday the barman put too much Vermouth in my martini and it ruined my entire afternoon.

E-K: Save your money, Kev. The Dow fell another 500 points last night, so the FTSE might go to zero this evening.

Spiker: I have two words for you. 'Spearmint Rhino.'...

unique_stephen said...

Mate, I may be able to help you out with your research for Tiff.
Have a wander through blooger profiles for people that put there occupation as 'model'. That should help you recover from your testing martini experience.

Kelly said...

may I come and block your view? I mean... why not at this point right? It's a shithole anyway...

I promise not to massage you, wait on you, or suck things. Promise.

cat said...

You know fingers, the damn United States Post Office is so SLOW with the delievery of your JetSki, I'm so very sorry.

Maybe you can think of something else to ride while your on vacation. aye'?

Memphis Steve said...

Baby tiger hunt, eh? So that's why Spiky Zora was in the lobby changing into a tiger outfit. I meant to ask her about it, but I was so busy trying to stop the elephant from pooping in the dining room that I never got the chance.

Ms Smack said...

Did you get the one with the built-in vacumn cleaner this time?

Or did you have to hire some-one to suck your dirty bits?

Fanny F said...

I've just spent 2 hours hacksawing the old toilet seat off at my place. Please think of me while you are having a luxury crap with Miguel wiping your arse.

Tiffany Cavalli said...

Unique Steve.. Took your tip and wandered through the model profiles.. Saw some candy.. Yummy :-) But also saw some folks that def must be part of Heffs crew at the Bar and Grill!

Fingers.. Your views are welcome.. Anytime! Im confident as i know you are a gentleman at heart.. Love Tiff

Tiffany Cavalli said...

did i say "GENTLEMAN" a short while ago? yes i did! our paradigms are based on experience! love Tiff

electro-kevin said...

I want to know what all this pussy sees in the MULTI-MILLIONNAIRE Fingers.

electro-kevin said...

http://electro-kevin-electrokevin.blogspot.com/2008/10/my-latest-camping-trip.html

A dedication for you, buddy.

fingers said...

US: And I'm sure they're all making fine contributions to the world of blooging...whatver that is.

Kelly: No massage, no dice, baby.

Cat: Are you being a naughty cat again, putting those thoughts in Finger's head.

MS: Shouldn't you be getting into your goat-suit about now. How am I going to catch tigers without bait ??

Smack: My bits are the cleanest bits on the coast, thanks very much. Dirty cow...:)

Fanny: That seems a little excessive. I usually just put the seat back down and flush.

Tiff: Huh ?? Are you speaking Modelese again ??

E-K: I know...what a bunch of gold-diggers I've got in here. They're shameless...

Memphis Steve said...

I had the goat suit all ready, but Kylie spilled wine all over it and now it's a flaming red goat. Sorta looks Satanic and all that. Anyway, I borrowed a bunny suit from some English woman named Emma. Thing is, it has no butt for some reason, so my bare ass is just hanging out. Weirdest damn thing you ever saw. She said something about being "into furries" or some shit like that and sort of implied you'd know what that meant.

Mone said...

Tell Miguel to cut that fuckein tree down, maybe you'll feel better once you did something about it ;)

phishez said...

Yeah, sex with you would be the worst possible way to do it...

Tiffany Cavalli said...

Fingers.. Are you still in the pool with the cabana boy? And you crit me for lezzin it up? iv a special comment for you my side... :-) Love Tiff

xl said...

Given the global economic tsunamis sweeping the money changer industry, will you soon be apprenticing to Miguel the cabana boy?

Regulus said...

Are you and Rackorf having a cozy time there? I can fly in and join you guys.

I'm wondering, though, if you actually aren't on vacation (where?) but took those pictures out of a travel magazine.

fingers said...

MS: As the song goes, 'Who put that goat there...Benny Lava'.

Mone: Guten tag, Mone. Yeah, he's a lazy scheisskopf but who can afford German domestics ??

Phish: Hahaha...you eggplant. I already got you with that zinger.

Tiff: Sadly, Miguel is dead...gored to death by his elephant during a mock bullfight last night. Hasta la vista, Miguel.

xl: Actually I'll be cremating him. Poor bastardo.

Reg: Well, I didn't take those pics myself but they are from the real-estate site we used to rent the joint. And that IS where we're staying. I can't believe you think I'm fibbing. I always believe you when you say you're poor...

Regulus said...

Ha ha

But where are you visiting? Where is that?

Bo Bo said...

Hey did I leave a dance competition video in the recorder by any chance?

fifi said...

I don't recall renting out my house...????



This is possibly the most entertaining commentary on the whole interwebs I swear.

fingers said...

Reg: I'm on The Sunshine Coast, although today it's The Pissing Down Coast.

BooBoo: Yes and that's a fascinating dance you're doing. I presume you turned the camera on it's side to produce those effects ??

Fifi: I know. Can you believe the wonderful stuff I make in here with these stale ingredients. Imagine what I could make with fresh blog-produce...

Bo Bo said...

And I presume you changed the sheets and had the couch reupholstered and cleaned the pool out and moped the shower and the sink, oh and don’t forget the kitchen and try not to touch the curtains and the desk might need a wipe down.
Oh and if you run a black light over the ceiling you will think you are in the Milky Way.
And one last thing... That wasn’t a mint on the pillow.

Kitty said...

the only thing larger than my ass is your tummy.

santa.

fingers said...

BooBoo: Wiping your doodle on a window louvre just isn't the same, is it ??

Kitty: That's Satan to you...not Santa, Kittypotomass...

Jane said...

was that a joke?

i thought it was beautiful. i can't believe you're upset over a little tree.

oh well.

some people are addicting to the feelings of dissatisfaction.

not me. =)

fingers said...

Jane: Well, aren't you just adorable. Yes, I was being facetious...

Jane said...

i can never tell

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