Sunday, October 12, 2008

mommy's boy...

Twenty-eight years ago, at the age of seventy-five, my grandfather contracted cancer. Not a particularly aggressive form of the disease, but a rather average, creeping version which took nearly five years to rob him of his fine physique, sharp wit and personal dignity before killing him.

There was collateral damage too: my grandmother, in perfect health when Papa initially got sick, was by his side for those five long years, slowly descending into a depression-related madness that saw her eventually moved to The Loony Bin after he passed away.
Charming stuff !!!
I guess that’s the deal with cancer; it’s not really a capricious disease that carefully chooses its victims. It’s more of an unlucky-dip…and my poor grandparents managed to draw two short sticks.
Nana died not long after Papa, a small mercy to be sure, and at her funeral my mother, knowing how close I was to them, came up to give me a pep talk.
Now, Mom isn’t really a ‘glass-half-full’ person.
Nor is she a ‘glass-half-empty’ person.
She’s more of a ‘hope-I-don’t-cut-my-lip-on the glass’ sort of person.
So, at Nana’s service, Mom told me that when she got to seventy-five years of age, I was to put her out of her misery in a humane fashion, so that she would not suffer the same fate as her parents, or become a burden to her family.
‘OK, sure thing, Mom…it would be my pleasure…and thanks for making a difficult day just that bit easier.’
‘No, I mean it. I don’t want to die like that.’
‘Um, what about if you’re in good health?’
‘No, seventy-five is a good age. No point waiting for shit to happen.’
‘I see…well can Dad do it? As far as I’m aware it’s still illegal to murder your mother, despite her request that you do so, and I’d rather not spend my last thirty years in jail for doing you a favour.’
‘No, your father will be eighty by then and probably incapable of doing up his own fly…besides that he never does anything I ask him to do. Please promise me you’ll do this for me.
‘Yes…OK…I promise.’

Well, guess what?
It’s Mom’s seventy-fifth birthday tomorrow.
She’s in perfect health, despite smoking a packet of cigarettes a day, lives in a nice big house with a large wad of cash, has three grandchildren (courtesy of my lovely sister and her cunt of a husband) and is generally about as contented as I’ve ever known her to be. The only thing that would make her even happier would be for the apple of her eye (that would be me) to meet a wonderful chick, get married and have babies.
Well, since that’s not looking likely at this stage, as a dutiful, loving son, I suppose the sweetest thing I can do for my dear old Mom is to keep the promise I made to her all those years ago.
So, Mom…here’s wishing you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY for tomorrow…I’m off to the bedding shop to get the fluffiest pillow money can buy and I’m coming over to see you just after lunch…

xxx

91 comments:

unique_stephen said...

Perhaps a copy of Dr Philip Nitchske's book.

Steph said...

*Waits for all the internest women to offer their wombs to the Fingery one*

Happy Birthday Mumma Fingers!! I suggest a more humane way of doing the deed would be a quick, sharp, blow to the head....Not that I've ever thought about murderising anyone....MUCH.

fingers said...

US: Was he the guy that said, 'What doesn't kill you probably wasn't a strong enough dose.'

Steph: And don't forget to include a photo with your womb's CV. BTW, thanks for your application, Princess...I'll let you know...

Kitty said...

Smoopie...we need to talk...

Steph said...

You wish you were lucky enough to procure some of my stellar DNA.
Keep dreamin! I'd sooner have spawn with the devil himself.......Oh wait....no, that's YOU! Arrggghhh!!

fingers said...

Kitty: Oh FFS...are you slapping me with another paternity suit, Pooks ?? It'd be cheaper just to have a child with you than defend these suits every year after you come to Sydney.

Steph: Your DNA is rubbish but it comes in a very cute box...

fifi said...

You know I just had that same chat with my children, except I think I lowered the age.
Perhaps I should provide my own pillow?

regards your request, certainly you may, just that the life of an aquatic emo may be a trifle dull is all.

Tiffany Cavalli said...

That would DEFINITELY be a bad idea.. :-) Rather give your mama a hug from all of us.. :-) Happy now? love Tiff

Ms Smack said...

Are you going to rock up and remind her of the request? Maybe hand the phone and address book to her to make her final farewells?

hah. great story. Does your dad have a spare Dyson for me?

xl said...

May I have your boat?

Chuck said...

At 75 there will be no autopsy unless there is suspect of foul play... Make her a Tylenol milkshake and tell her to drink up.

Memphis Steve said...

All of my grandparents died much that same way. One of them took care of the other, neglecting their own health, only to die within one year of the other. But then that's what love will do for a person. This is why I shun it like a drunken Amish whore with gonorrhea.

Say, as long as you're off killing mothers, I have a favor to ask of you. Have you ever wanted to visit the United States? Perhaps we could arrange one of those 'no one would ever suspect that we switched victims' plans where we each take care of the other's mother, only to be found out by Jessica Landsbury or Barnaby Jones or some other lame-assed TV detective cuntspew.

I didn't know you were looking for a girlfriend. I hear Kylie is single, highly sought after, and already living close by. You should call her up and tell her to get her ass over to your place. You two would make one of the meanest couples in history, but I'll bet your children would be cute.

villageidiot said...

glad she's doing well. and laughing at Memphis's last line - he is so right.... LOL

Les Miserable said...

I dropped in to see what the Aussie dollar is doing not talk about old cheeses. BTW the frogs have square pillows. Hate the things myself.

kimba said...

If you get a taste for it.. may I offer up my mother?

travistee said...

You could marry me and we could grandfather in 4 new grandchildren for your mom.
That would be hell of birthday present for her... And surely much more humane than the pillow....
(don't you say anything!)

Bo Bo said...

Make sure her will is updated before you commit matricide. Happy Birthday Mrs Fingers.

fingers said...

Fifi: Oh how sweet. Kids don't need the birds and bees talk these days...that chat has been replaced by the 'So, how do you want to go when the time comes, Mom.'

Tiff: Mom takes some hugging...she's a big mama. Real big.

Smack: Oh yes. I really did get her a pillow too. It's a nice fluffy one with the word 'sMOTHER' embroidered on it.

xl: I'm not planning on being caught, you vulture.

Chuck: Thanks mate. Let me know if I can repay the favour by offing your family some day.

MS: Like 'Strangers On A Train'. What a great movie. Well, if TWG is that train, there sure are a lot of disgruntled passengers in here. Have you read the comments ?? It's a veritable Holocaust-in-waiting.

VI: She's a medical marvel At 70 she discovered the internet and has been playing online bridge for 10 hours a day.

Lombay: Bonjour Cuntox. Hahaha...yeah I got caught last Xmas when I came home with a pack of European pillowslips by mistake. Lucky for me they fitted the cats' cushions perfectly.

Kimba: All aboard, baby. We're going to throw everyone's mama from the train.

Trav: That certainly does seem like a perfect solution to both our dilemmas. I wonder why we haven't thought of it before ??

BooBoo: Don't be a cunt. I already have more money than I know what to do with...

sparsely kate said...

I laughed my arse off (and a considerable arse it is too) off at this post.

Loved it!

sparsely kate said...

And I'm also chortling away at Kimba's comment too. All these Mothers over the world tonight don't even know what's coming for them :)

Memphis Steve said...

I had noticed a lot of people enjoying the idea of a frilly pillow murder. And marriage for the purpose of creating grandchildren. And just flat out stealing your shit if you get caught. But other than that there's a lot of love here, man.

unique_stephen said...

You could start a cult; some sort of Jonestown meets Logan's Run

surfercam said...

hahaha nice.

Ms Smack said...

Can you get Kate one of those pillows?

Clyde said...

I shared a room with my brother dying of cancer---losing control and dignity was his greatest fear.
I lost my father to dementia before he died---it should never happen to any one.
I disappointed my Mother by not producing grand children.
And you probably reminded your Mother and laughed. But it's one promise you will never keep.

Tiffany Cavalli said...

Remember... if you use a Tag to plan your mums demise, the demise is bound to be on time! to the second, in fact! but it will never be remembered. on the othe hand, if you switch to Rolex, they would label you the Rolex Finger Of God... and you would be famous forever.. love Tiff

PS iv some speial treatment lined up my side.

EmmaK said...

She's probably forgetten that she asked you to kill her. You know what ladies are like, their minds change due to their menopausal flushes and hormonal fluctuations. Best ask her before you press the pillow on her face. "Mum, I was wondering do you still want to go to heaven because I got a message through a psychic that they serve tea in heaven made with (her least favorite brand) of tea bags." That should do the trick in changing her mind.

nudeman40 said...

you gonna post pics of the event??

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers babe, um...I really rally behind fund raisers on the fight against cancer. It's taken wonderful people from me. You described it accurately.

Sweetie...Don't know if I could kill anyone close. Pretty sure I wouldn't...but I know a few who would do it for me . hehehe. I'm not kidding.

Sweetie, that's so odd that your mum would ask that for birthday present. My mother always asked for something real expensive or just cash, perferably in 10's and 20s.

Come on honey...give your mum babies, a little fingers...or a pinky. A handsome man like you has no problem getting a gal to drop her knickers. There that's a good son. Do it for your mum.

Ciao babes.

PS...Is it true about your Papa and grandmother? I'm not sure if you made it up as the post was very humorus too. Both, sad and funny.

*~Dani~* said...

Bet your mom regrets that promise now. Happy Birthday to her! What a milestone.

Jane said...

wow. this is first post i read of yours and it has already lived up to the hearsay of your legacy. haha.

my grandmother is 80something. she has been smoking more than 3 packs of cigarettes a day ever since i can remember. she is one of the most selfish, manipulative, and soul-less women i have ever met...i can't believe she is my grandmother; she is healthier than a horse. we had hoped that she would depart before our grandfather but no that didn't happen. i think she will live forever. that was mean but it is true.

cheers!

fingers said...

Kate: Amazing, eh. All it takes is one murderous visionary to suggest a course of action and suddenly the world is awash in maternal blood.

MS: This lot are all working up to garotting their own mothers. Imagine what they'd do to me if I turned my back for a second.

US: I've always wanted my own cult. One where it was OK to have sex with your cousins. Well, the good-looking ones. Everyone secretly wants that.

SC: Heartwarming, eh.

Smack: She can have mine after I finish. I only plan too use one side.

Clyde: My god. Thank you for reminding me I was just joking. I can't believe I was actually going to kill my Mom.

Tiff: I think we've extracted the last laugh from this hilarious Rolex vein of humour.

Emmak: She's seventy-five. How many hormones can she have left ??

NM: It's not a pillow fight between Steph and Kylie, you sick fuck.

Spiker: Sweetie darling baby honey...yes, unfortunately the pre-amble to the funny part is all true...all the way up to the part where I actually kill Mom with her own pillow; that's fiction.

Dani: Hello there and welcome to TWG. Where did you come from ??

Jane: Legacy ?? What legacy ?? I'm still here...

Jane said...

do you have to be dead to have a legacy?

Ms Smack said...

LOLOLOL

electro-kevin said...

I prefer the sleeper choke myself.

Google is your friend.

sparsely kate said...

These comments make my eyes water with laughter. And Ms Smack, I'm bringing my Mumsy for a cup of tea at your house when we hit Adelaide some time after the Christmas festivities. :)

Bad Bob said...

So what would you attribute the death to? SOMDS? Sudden Old Mother's Death Syndrome?

Memphis Steve said...

I suppose they'd pick your pocket and steal your boat, but it'd be done with the greatest of respect and admiration. And someone would no doubt tell a lovely joke as you fell unconcious to the floor.

Les Miserable said...

It's not exackery what the Japanese call "pillowing" is it.

Speaking of the Nips...check this out - Boyfriend's arm pillow

( . )( . ) said...

soft and gay... why dont you put a shotgun to her temple like a real man would.

All this delicate pillow talk is making me sick....

phishez said...

Just be careful mate. Maybe make your blog private or sumthin, so that premeditation cannot be proved...

Tiffany Cavalli said...

i think you should skip the crime channel for a while, and switch to the food channel. it could ease some frustration. maybe unique is correct in his book suggestion, or perhaps something along the Freud route.. unique could advise.... i think it was Freud who suggested everything was sex or breastfeeding driven? unique? what do you suggest? :) love Tiff

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers sweetie, I like pillow talk. That's dirty talk right? I do love to hear what a lover wants me to do and what they will do to me...Fuck! Just thinking about it makes me....

Wha-hey!

Food channel! Who changed the porn channel to the food channel. I like what they were eating on the porn channel. :D

hehehe. Hi Tiff babe.

Ciao Fingers.

De Campo BC said...

Nothing says happy birthday like a good ole smothering. If the law gets smart, just claim you walked in on your mom scissoring your hot cousin and hence committed the crime in the heat of passion.

Find a jury to fucking convict on that.

Hmmm, that would make for good dinner theatre.

unique_stephen said...

In answer to Tiff > sex is the answer (for eukaryotes any way)

Memphis Steve said...

Eukaryotes? Good Lord, this is getting deeper all the time!

Adonis740 said...

Eukaryotes? I have no clue US...I think you're just showing off for the ladies now...

Kelly said...

it must have sucked for her, when you came out asshole first.

Bad Bob said...

Kelly, That is downright funny!!

electro-kevin said...

Well did ya do it ???

I won't call the police if you fess up here and now.

Steph said...

Kelly, I love you so hard right now.
ROFL! Would explain why the doctor slapped his head so hard too.

Memphis Steve said...

Kelly has made a spectacular entrance.

Kelly said...

;-)

Steph... I love you so hard all the time. Kisses!

fingers said...

OK, I'm back from holidays...

Jane: Maybe not dead...but I think you have to have finished with whatever you were doing.

E-K: She's a bit too large for any aerial moves on my part.

BB: Official cause of death: pillow poisoning.

MS: I'll be blogging with a gun under my pillow from now on.

Lombay: Almost as good as the 'Girlfriend's Thighs Ear Muffs'.

(.)(.): Ha !!! And your posts have been really edgy since you got a botfriend too. NOT.

Phish: I'd prefer just to hunt down my commenters (witnesses) one by one and kill them instead.

Tiff: I have no idea what you're blathering about, so please get your bongos out for us.

Spiker: Ditto. Bongos out.

Campy: If I walked in on a scene like that I'd probably smother myself instead...

Madam Z said...

I'm a week late, so I suppose the deed has been done. If I had read your post earlier, I would have suggested that you check with her before applying the pillow. She was 50 when she made the request. 75 seemed a long way off. Now it's here and she's still kicking up her heels. If you had asked her, I'll bet she would have upped the age of pillowing to the ripe old age of 100!

fingers said...

US: Didn't I see you on David Attenborough's 'Life of Geeks' ??

MS: Most of my readers seem to lead a prokaryotic existence too.

Adonis: Welcome to TWG. I believe you're my first godly commenter.

Kelly: OK, now why is that even remotely funny ??

BB: What the fuck are you laughing at, Ace.

E-K: I thought the police hated you ??

Steph: Fuck, must be a simple joke if you got it. I still don't get it though...

MS: I assume you didn't get it but just don't want Steph to think you're an idiot.

Kelly: You ARE an idiot.

Z: Yeah, she begged for an extension...just like I knew she would...but I held firm. Then she played the emotion card, offered me $100K for her life and a 25 year option, so I put my pillow back in the holster...

( . )( . ) said...

Dont be jealous.

unique_stephen said...

I was probably doing my slime mould impression.

"The Oyster Box" said...

Fingers!! thanks my friend! really appreciate! i know you want a taste.. greetings from the oyster box! love Tiff

"The Oyster Box" said...

Sorry... forgot to tell you, i googled "Eukaryote." it seems to be from the Greek, meaning.. membranes, nuclei, cells, and something Nut like! Go Figure! unique_steve must have googled too! love Tiff

Memphis Steve said...

Oh hell, it's much too late for me to try to convince Steph that I'm not an idiot, especially after I've worked so hard the past several months convincing her that I am. I've just been here reading in Wikipedia all about eukaryotes and prokaryotes while trying not to fall asleep. Now I remember why I never went to med school. Yes, it's because computers are so much more fascinating than people. Not. Fucked either way, but a computer degree is cheaper and, well, I'm Scottish.

unique_stephen said...

Arrrghforgoodnesssakepeople

The question was:
"everything was sex or breastfeeding driven? unique? what do you suggest? :)"

Clearly this may be true of sexual reproduction, but could not be true with regards to asexual reproduction - that is reproducing without bumping nasties.

If you as an organism don't have sex then everything is not driven by sex. I mean, why would you have an interest in it?(you in the front- stop sniggering - and you, are you listening up the back !! - there will be a quiz after class)

If you, as an organism have sex, then I maintain that everything is about sex.

now

Everything living creature, plant or animal or other, is made up of one or more cells.

Furthermore cells either have or do not have a Nucleus.

The more primitive kind which do not have a nucleus are called prokaryotes, whilst the more complex eukaryotes pack their DNA into a membrane bag called a nucleus to protect their precious DNA from whatever else is going on in the cell.

eukaryotes, whilst they may not have a gender - have sex (their are exceptions)

prokaryotes do not.

QED

fingers said...

(.)(.): It gets more difficlut with every rivetting post-single post of yours.

US: Wow, if I was a chick I'd be all over that big brain of yours. But I'm not. Bad break for you.

Oyster: I thought you were going to stop flirting online, you skanky bi-valve.

MS: Yes, thanks to Unique, you now get the comedy channel AND the science channel here at TWG.

US: Or, for those students who fell asleep during that rambling discourse: Eukaryotes do the horizontal folk dance to reproduce, whereas Prokaryotes just do the horizontal gene transfer...

xl said...

Fingers, you are loosing control of the insane asylum. Jeez, the topic has veered from matricide to asexual reproduction.

If not the boat, may I have the Vespa?

unique_stephen said...

I tell the students: Prokaryotes are like Carolina - they split themselves in two

"The Oyster Box" said...

(Im with the Nut like version!) as to flirting online? im on the menu but dont touch the food.. :-) you guys are more like coyotes than the pro or eu version. Now come to the front of the class.. You just wont listen.. Fingers.. At this rate you need to install a quick link to the online Greek dictionary.. and im not refering to any kind of chocolate star fish so lets not go there right now.. and getting back to the actual subject at hand.. That Greek dictionary would give us the meaning of "matricide".. meaning he that screws over his mother permanently and for good! (in order to get her Vespa) love Tiff

fingers said...

Oyster: Back in your shell, slime ball. Matricide is derived from Latin...

fingers said...

xl: Is that you I can see sitting in the dead tree in the distance ??

US: Do you teach remedial biology...

Kelly said...

Don't be jealous love... People actually like me... You have just deal with it. ;-)

unique_stephen said...

evolutionary biology for paleontology

but not for a long time

( . )( . ) said...

difficlut?

Engrish prease.

"The Oyster Box" said...

Bi Valve!!! Brilliant! I love your sense of humour. Very sharp. The first trap worked..(Rolex ) But you told me not to mention that again. Sorry. the second little stumbling block did not work! Correct! From the Latin.. Mater meaning mother. I know my latin.. amo.. I love. mensa.. A table. Well done Fingers.. :-) its one all! Love Tiff

Memphis Steve said...

Most married men end up being prokaryotes whether they want to or not. It's much cheaper though. No child support and all that.

Hey, if someone cloned a grown man, would the courts classify the infant clone as that man's child and force him to pay child support to himself? I'll bet they would. In California they would for sure.

Prokaryotes like Carolina, don't you know you've made the Dakotas all jealous? And with that line of thought, how do you explain West Virginia? Is it like a cell dumping it's waste into a separate entity?

Memphis Steve said...

(it's vs. its') I'll figure this out one day.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers: baby...what are they doing to you honey, sweetie?

So I got a call from a friend of a friend of a friend that was out this way that you were fingering everyone here. I felt left out. Um, so here I am...ready to get in on the fun.

Wait...let me pull my pantie down and let me bend over...m'kay.

Ready.

WWWEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Ciao babe. :D

fingers said...

Kelly: I'm not here to be liked, which is just as well, eh ??

US: Now there's a well-paid profession.

(.)(.): Typo. Cnut.

Oyster: I see, so you're now claiming that your allusion to the word 'matricide' having Greek roots was another cunning trap for me ?? Amazing.

MS: Give up. It's almost impossible to make humour out of biology and Southern US states. As for the grammar dilemma...'its' is a possessive pronoun requiring no apostrophe. Weird, since 'it' is the subject in possession...but there you go.

Spiker: What on earth are you waffling about now...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers: thanks. :)

cat said...

Miss you fingers, come back!

"The Oyster Box" said...

just letting you know i really enjoy popping in here.. have you dun mum yet? love Tiff

Kylie said...

I bet he's done his mum a few times.

Kelly said...

that's true... you are here to be hated, and yet... I still fucking love you! smooches

Steph said...

Oh Good Christ! Fingers has discovered the settings button.
Your comment section was always gay but now it really looks the part.

"The Oyster Box" said...

you ok fingers? someone told me you went to the doctor? love Tiff

Memphis Steve said...

Fingers fingered his mom? What?! That's crazy. Not to mention just plain wrong. Especially when Kylie is so handy and available there in her wet rubber panties.

( . )( . ) said...

Cnut? Adn agian wiht het tpyos. Wheer idd yuo leran hwo to splel.

fukcing retadr.

Bad Bob said...

I flew.

unique_stephen said...

The pay was imaginary. I'm in I.T. now but back in the Uni sector

fingers said...

Spiker: You're welcome. Drop by any time for an insult.

Cat: Hi there, baby. Following your troubles and hoping to make you giggle your way back to full health.

Oyster: And it's great to have you here too, Kilpatrick. Mom came up with some cash and bought herself another 25 years.

Kylie: Not as often as I've done yours, smart ass.

Kelly: Oh goody. I'll cling to that thought for warmth all next winter.

Steph: Oh Good Christ, Steph has stopped fiddling with her button long enough to drop by and make a cabbage of herself. Hey, I haven't done a thing. Blogger has transformed itself apparently.

Oyster: Yes, I had to go and get Steph's nose removed from my ass.

MS: Awesome job working Kylie into a comment about killing my own mother. You are the king.

<><>: Back in your bra, Bongo.

BB: Business class ??

US: Thanks mate. I'll make sure everyone updates their records...

Bad Bob said...

Test Pilot, all business, but no monkey business yet.

Memphis Steve said...

Comments involving Kylie are like a good wine, it goes with anything.

Ms Smack said...

So, when's the next post?