Tuesday, December 15, 2009

don't be a quitter...


Recently I have begun seeing this new chick; it doesn’t really matter who she is other than the fact she is new and I am sort of dating her.
Unsuccessfully…as usual.




On our first date, things were going smoothly enough and it was refreshing not to be embroiled in the sort of interview-type Q&A session that characterizes most first meetings. We talked of things rather than people, of issues instead of opinions and of ideas in place of feelings. Every so often, I would excuse myself from the table and go outside for a cigarette, returning to find her, as is often the case these days with chicks left unattended for more than two minutes, answering her SMS messages.
No big deal; good time management actually.
On my third such return, whilst tapping away at her little keypad and without taking her eyes off the IPhone screen, she offered the following advice: ‘Fingers, you really ought to think about giving up smoking.’
Naturally, considering how well the date was proceeding, I assumed she was negotiating the future terms of the party I could reasonably expect to have in her pants at some point, rather than just doling out trite medical warnings. That she was telling me I would shortly be fucking her six ways from Sunday as long as I didn’t smell like an ashtray, rather than hinting unsubtly at the damage I was doing to myself with this filthy habit. That she was suggesting my nicotine-free ferret was welcome to jump through her furry hoop anytime, rather than simply dispensing clichéd health tips.
Now, nothing much happened that evening, carnally speaking…however I did resolve to quit smoking before date number two in order to maximize the potential for a game of ‘Mr Wibbly-Wobbly Hides His Helmet’. This of course proved much harder to do than it was to consider doing, so instead I pretended to quit, washed my clothes thoroughly beforehand, swallowed fifty ‘Fisherman’s Friends’ and took no cigarettes with me the next time.
An hour into the date, which was going exceedingly well, I said, ‘So, have you noticed anything tonight ??’
‘I’ve noticed you haven’t had a cigarette yet,’ she replied.
‘That’s right…I was thinking about what you said last time and took your advice,’ I lied without adding, ‘Now, is there any danger of you living up to your end of the deal and smoking my bat ??’
‘That’s excellent…has it been hard giving up??’ she enthused.
’Not as difficult as I imagined it would be,’ I beamed, now extremely comfortable living the lie.
‘Are you using patches or pills ??’
‘No, just brute willpower.’
At this point in time I’d have gladly set fire to my pubes and inhaled the smoke just for a hit.
‘Do you feel any better for it ??’
‘No, I can honestly say I don’t feel any better,’
I answered, quite truthfully as it happens, since the health benefits of pretending to quit had not become apparent yet…

Of course she didn’t put out on the second date, so I feel rightfully vindicated in practicing the deception…and I feel no compunction whatsoever going on with the charade for date number three later this week. I’ve always said that smoking would be totally negotiable for the right chick but giving up the addiction of a lifetime for merely the promise of something which is bound to end in failure anyway…just doesn’t seem like a good risk/reward trade at this point…

50 comments:

UBERMOUTH said...

I hate those pink lunged hypocrites!They're worse than religious zealots.

Clyde said...

Geez, you were the only one putting out on the second date---bigger man than me---trying to give up smoking after a 1st date---good luck, I'd love to save $100 a week
Knowing your luck, she will be allergic to fishermans friends

unique_stephen said...

The price of sex is 2 beers and decent Chinese meal.
If she hasn't put out after that, especially after a second date then blow her off - she's priced herself out of the market and she will die a lonely spinster spending the rest of her life mopping on the internet about how life is unfair and where her life went wrong bla bla bla.
And if you took her to anyplace more fancy than a decent Chinese then she'd better be a kinky bitch who loves anal

Mone said...

Definitive the wrong chick!She should have been glad to have a break and a chance to answer her SMS, women these days really appreciate that.

suze2000 said...

I'm a non-smoker. I've dated smokers, and I'd like to suggest that perhaps (assuming she did refrain from the health lecture) that her major concern was the number of fags you were off having, and the amount of time she was left on her own. To my mind, three ciggies during a meal IS excessive and suggests a fairly substantial habit! This will a) make you smell and b) be expensive (less money to spend on her, for a start).

And for the record, it's a rare smoker who can smell fresh-as-a-daisy if they are still off puffing away in secret. You can't smell it, because your sense of smell is dulled (and you don't find it offensive like non-smokers, so you are less likely to notice it anyway), but it's almost always there.

Good luck getting laid though. ;)

EmmaK said...

Why not give up for the next ten years then promise yourself you'll start again at sixty or however old you'll be then. I mean since you've been smoking donkies years don't you hack up large brown lumps etc? give your lungs a break.
I can see there's no point giving up the fags for this woman since she isn't going to have sex with you but I still think you should give up.

EmmaK said...

uniquestephen...confused. Is anal sex considered kinky in australia then? Was under the impression it was pretty much a non issue. I remember a posh uk male friend of mine who visited oz and was aghast when some aussie girl told him matter of factly : "I'm on the rag tonight but you can give me one up the shitter." not typical of aussie babes then?

Grazor said...

Do you think she really believes you though? It surely can't be the first time a guy's told her what she's wanted to hear just to get in her glorybox? Imagine her surprise on the big night, when you roll over after blowing your beans, and immediately spark one up.

Fanny said...

If smoking really bothered her she wouldn't have gone on the first date with you. Control freak alert!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers baby: Come on, women at that age are single for a reason.

The bitch...is a bitch.

You better stick to reliable methods. Lie to her, like tell her you've fallen head over tea cups over her. And you've never loved anyone like you love her. Make her think you have tons of cash...I'm talking millions. And if that fails, get her...drunk. Yeah that's it babe...just get her drunk.

I mean after three glasses of good red wine, I'm yours. And I won't want a life time commitment, just an occasional fuck here and there. And I won't bitch about smoking.

Good luck baby. Now you go and get her naked. Woo!

ciao sweetie. xx

Bad Bob said...

It is amazing what we will do and even how low we may stoop to get laid.
All said, she probably isn't worth it unless you are counting notches or it could be considered a "drought".
Let us know how it goes (guess that goes without saying.

Kitty said...

oh yes.

i remember the 'pookadiddlidactyl! i've given the smokes up baby, now come here and smoke my extra-pink bat'....

BUT! after the last time i smoked your bat isn't it right that i needed emergency hynotherapy, two packs of nicorette and a dozen of those bullshit patches just to get through the 1.5 hour flight back to melbourne baby.

you fuckin' lying tar baaaaaag!!!

Poppet said...

If she's bitching and nagging at you on the second date imagine what she'd be like in bed. She'd be telling you to 'go faster.. no slower..no slower..no, no, no you're doing it wrong... bitch, bitch, bitch'. Lucky escape fingers.

El-Kevo said...

You have to choose if you want a voluptuous young lady ... or a fag round the back of the restaurant.

(Spiky might get this gag.)

unique_stephen said...

@ Emma

Fingers gets shitty at cross talk unless you insult me - so you'd better pull your nana socks up you old crone or he'll ban your wrinkled arse. As for your friends friend - most chicks are pretty casual about taking it up the sphincter but she sounds fairly posh for an Aussie chick - sure she wasn't an Essex girl?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

El kevo: Um, a fag because it's a cigarette in Oz and England but in the US it means gay.

So what makes you think, I get it? Is it because I dig women or because I'm American?

careful...
xx

fingers said...

Uber: Shhhhh...we need those pink lunged hypocrites for harvesting at transplant time.

Clyde: Yes, I went home and put out for myself.

US: Actually this post has nothing to do with putting out or not. It was more to do with the question of 'I don't date smokers' versus 'I will give up but not till I know it's worth it'.

Mone: You never like any of the chicks I date, baby.

Suze: Well, I'm quite wealthy so the money isn't an issue. On the other hand, a chick that can't be left alone for 3 minutes every hour is a bit of a worry.

Emmak: Who says she's not going to put out ?? It was our second date, you trollop.

Grazor: Trust me. Until I lie to you, you've never really been lied to.

Fanny: Oh what chick wouldn't date me just coz I smoked ??

Spiker: Brilliant idea !!! What person doesn't want to hear 'I love you soooo much' on the 2nd date ??

BB: Mate, I didn't stoop that low. Basically I gave up smoking for 3 hours. I do the same on plane flights.

Kitty: Excuse me ?? From memory you said, 'Cigarette smoke on a man's breath makes me moist.' Of course by the end of the weekend that list had grown to include plastic fruit, centipedes, rainbows, blue cheese, Seinfeld and nail-clippers...

to be cont'd...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers baby: come on...she's single. She wants to be wanted and loved and that equals to wanting to be fucked. It's like 1+1=2.

Look I've slept with lots of women using that line. And i've fallen for it a few timees myself. If you say it right...and do do some Academy type like acting...there is no defense. It's like that karate kid's "The Crane."

So make it sound believable. And don't look so desperate...and tell her you believe in love at first sight.

Trust me baby...later honey.

rage said...

If you do get lucky enough to fuck her, make sure you take a dildo to her ass while you're hitting her doggy style for all of your trouble.

emma said...

...since the health benefits of pretending to quit had not become apparent yet…

lol

the only problem i see with this plan is how delicious a post-shag cigarette can be. you might get to heaven once but a follow up could be hard if you immediately roll over and light up.

i think a much more sensible plan is to turn her into a smoker. stick a patch on her while she sleeps until she craves the sweet kiss of a ciggie.

as for changing habits, i completely understand waiting until you know it's worth it. otherwise it's a whole heap of trouble for nothing.

phishez said...

Maybe she dates by the rules. Some girls wait until the third date to put out. If you don't get any by the third date, THEN you dump her.

EmmaK said...

she's not going to put out because if she really fancied you she wouldn't give a toss if you smoked or not and that would have only become an 'issue' once you were in a 'relationship'

...pretty obvious really

Kitty said...

yeah? well a swift dance around your pants can easily remind a woman of both (limp) centipedes and (rancid) blue cheese....

excuse me, i'm off to wring my knickers out....

BamBamBam said...

Gotta hate people who tell other people "you shouldn't do this or that".... the worst variety are the anti-smokers. Fuck the hell off.

EmmaK said...

uniquestephen....thanks for the insight. If fingers banned me from here...good grief life would have no more meaning. I would be but an empty shell ....lol

De Campo said...

You need to turn this around on her. Make sure that she understands that you’re not giving it up until she starts smoking…

…or at least until she pretends to start smoking.

Madam Z said...

She doesn't know what she's missing! In my experience, men who smoke (suck, suck, suck that cigarette) give better cunnilingus than the limp-lipped abstainers.

Bo Bo said...

A relationship built on fiction. What other is there?

Steph said...

Merry Xmas scrooge McStinky. xx

Memphis Steve said...

From my experience the girls who put out the soonest and get the freakiest in the bedroom are all smokers, too, so maybe instead of giving up cigarettes you just need a girl who appreciates them as much as you do?

Fragrant Liar said...

Hmmm, this seems to be a bad match.

Dude, you left her three times during dinner to smoke? Were you that nervous or was she that uninteresting?

I wonder what she was texting her buddies while you were gone. Plus when she finds out you were lying just to get into her pants, you'll be inhaling the secondhand smoke that's coming out her ears.

So, good luck on Date #3. Really.

xl said...

Have a wonderful Christmas!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers baby, just in case I don't talk with you before Christmas day...

MERRY CHRISTMAS HONEY!
(((MWUAH)))

fingers said...

Poppet: Possibly true, but this isn't about her suitability. It's about the wisdom of giving up a cherished habit for the mere chance of romance.

E-K: Yes, I'll go ask Spiker. We Aussies sometime struggle with your complex, sophisticated British humour.

US: And cross talk about bum-sex makes me maddest of all.

Spiker: Thanks baby. I'd never have got that.

Rage: Where the fuck am I going to find a dildo ?? It's not like I have them just lying around at home, you know.

emma: Who's a clever girl, then. Not only did you appreciate that splendidly subtle gag but you also got the entire point of the post. Come and get your lollipop.

phish: It's STILL not about dating etiquette/putting out. Besides, that topic was covered in full by Andrew Dice Clay in 'Ford Fairlane' when he said, 'The amount of money spent on dinner is directly proportional to the number of fingers you can try and cram in her when you're kissing her goodnight'.

Emmak: I'd prefer to think she didn't put out because she's not a complete slut.

Kitty: Speaking of which...

Bammers: I hate those cunts that say 'Mind your step' after you've tripped.

DeC: It's all a bit chicken and egg really. I wonder if she can resist the lure of my helmet longer than I can go without nicotine ??

Z: True. And there's nothing I like more straight after a ciggie than to give head then take a nap.

Bo: As long as the lie is good enough the foundations will be sound.

Steph: Happy Festivus, Skank..xxx

MS: Maybe but chicks who smoke smell way worse than guys who smoke. Same with alcohol and drinking.

Fragrant: Welcome to TWG. Yes, I did leave her three times during dinner over a four hour period but I only went outside for a minute, I wasn't sent to Iraq.

xl/Spiker: Peace on you both...

And the same goes for the rest of you cunts this Xmas...

xxx

EmmaK said...

I wasn't referring to the fact she didn't put out on second date being odd - I was referring to the fact that she made an issue about you smoking on date one. Frankly that rings alarm bells. She's either:
1. a hyperneurotic nut - you are a cleanfreak so that could work

or

2. as frigid as a frozen clam

3. a waste of space

time will tell

Memphis Steve said...

Sure they smell, but I have virtually no sense of smell whatever, so I don't care. As long as the don't taste like nicotine down in their slots I'm good.

UBERMOUTH said...

LOL so true!
I always ask a man at the point where he declares love, 'but would you give me a lung?' Idf they say yes , I beam and ask,' Would you give me 2?'

I hope that you and your boat have a Merry Christmas.

Baht At said...

uber says you're a toughie fingers - I assume the names is because you like anal fingering.

El-Kevo said...

Happy Christmas to you and all of your readers, Fingers.

Ute said...

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!

Merry Christmas Fingers!

xox

Debstar said...

Anal fingering.....eeeeuuuuuuu

Spiky Zora Jones said...

hi baby..MERRY CHRISTAMAS!
(((MWUAH)))

figers babe, watch out for that Baht At guy. He also dated Tiger Woods, though he claims he didn't sleep with him. But he still wants money and his own reality show on American televison.

later babe. xxx

powdergirl said...

Organ donors always seem to forget just how much fun the orally fixated can be.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers: How was your Christmas sweetie?

Wondeful I hope. ;)

ciao honey. xxx

EmmaK said...

hi fingers ...to let us all know if you managed to get laid suggest you build a canon in your garden and fire it to communicate to us (your subjects) whether the ferret has entered the burrow. hugs xx

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers baby...HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Honey, you know...I love you more than my luggage.

xxx

Bad Bob said...

Happy New Year Mate!!!
I hope it's a good one for you.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Oh sweetie....oh sweetie. I just came by to sweep away the cobwebs and place flowers here. And say I miss you...lots and lots.

Why! Why GOD!

Why...why do the good go first.

*cries*

xxx

Lana Banana said...

i'd post a real comment if i weren't so busy laughing my ass off . . .

christ, good times.

Memphis Steve said...

Where is the Vespa King?