Tuesday, April 27, 2010

of course it wasn't all bad...


Now, before you all jump to the conclusion that my marriage to Lady Fingers (LF) was one long, urine-soaked orgy of discontent, I’d like to introduce some balance into the equation by way of a little story about our sex-life.


Soon after I got my first digital video camera I was overcome with a terrible urge to make home- porn!
Having already cut my directorial teeth on the mandatory beginner films, which consisted mostly of interviews with LF, during which I asked penetrating questions such as, ‘So do you have any idea where flies go when it’s raining ?’, while she screamed, ‘Take that fucking camera out of my face !!!’, I then completed a series of fascinating documentaries about our apartment before finally committing the ultimate cinematic indignity and filming our dog licking its own ass.
With no other compelling screenplays on my drawing board, it was an easy leap into the world of Indie Porn.
Deep down I really believe most guys want to try making their own blue movie because let’s face it; we’re clueless dirt bags. I believe that the average male will try to find porn within twelve minutes of logging onto the internet for the first time: though my research is predicated entirely on personal experience.
For most men it’s natural to watch it, so why not try and make it?
And I’m not talking about a grubby, unauthorized peepshow; luring your unsuspecting partner into the bedroom and secretly taping her undressing or performing a series of gymnastically improbable acts, oblivious to the camera whirring unseen in the closet. And certainly not one of those graphically medical, up close and personal ‘twiddle-the-diddle’ clips filmed with vadge-cam and incorporating surround-sound squelching noises.
I’m talking about something artistic; and for mine there’s nothing that showcases that artistry more than a nice, long, slow blowjob. Plus, it’s just about the most thoughtful thing a chick can do for her man! So, I mentioned this to my wife, who enthusiastically (???) agreed to let me film her rendering unto Caesar the comfort of her lips. In truth, we both thought it might be a rather exciting experience; one that would enhance our sex life immeasurably (er...not that it needed it).
So, after some hasty brainstorming with regard to set-location we chose a classic scenario; I would be seated on a chair and she would assume the position on her knees in front of me. We opted for a side-on camera angle, rather than the trendy point-of-view (POV) routine. I knew POV was a trap for young players; you never, ever, ever use POV unless you're hung like a moose. POV fore-shortens things terribly through the lens; the side angle is much kinder. It's why the guy peeing next to you always seems to have a bigger dick than yours. YEAH IT’S TRUE !!! I mean I can accept that some guys have a bigger dick than I do…BUT NOT EVERY FUCKING ONE OF THEM.
Anyway, I set the recording equipment on a tripod, optimized the lighting conditions, grabbed the remote control and took my seat in the director/star’s chair. LF took up her position on the floor, some preliminary adjustments were made to ensure ‘Mr Wibbly-Wobbly’ was looking his finest and the action began…
I won’t go into details regarding the actual length of the scene; suffice to say that duration was the least of my eventual worries. Throughout the entire performance I felt I was managing admirably, whilst LF ran expertly through her extensive oral repertoire with the sort of uninhibited grace I’d come to expect over the years. The finale was predictably spectacular as far as I was concerned; the usual panoply of epileptic spasms and ‘come-face’ grimaces from me, (which incidentally look remarkably similar to my ‘rubber-spider-in-the-lunchbox-face’ grimaces) and some dreamy licking of the lips from her. We could barely contain our mutual excitement at such a great ‘take’ and hurriedly raced over to the camera, hooked it up to the PC and downloaded our first-ever home-porn-movie…
Now, ever the realist I knew in my heart that I wasn’t a genuine porn star but unfortunately, like most young men I’d been brought up on a steady diet of professional work; you know the stuff I’m talking about…

The girl, suitably sweet-looking with just a hint of naughtiness, suddenly dislocates her jaw like a reticulated python preparing to swallow a giraffe whole and clamps her lips around her partner’s dick; a preposterously monumental example of penile super-abundance, seamlessly and somehow impossibly grafted onto the body of a normal male. This is followed by the obligatory bulging of the eyes, the puffing of the cheeks, whereupon the girl commences the act in earnest, a look of sheer terror gradually replaced by one of pure contentment. This is accompanied by an exaggerated, trombone-playing-like flailing of both hands, much lizardly tongue action and the depositing of several litres of saliva in the crotch region, before the salami-sized appendage is magically removed just in time to erupt all over the happy girl’s face.

Well, I wasn’t expecting to see anything on that grand a scale, but neither was I prepared for what unfolded on the screen before me.
There was my wife and there was I…in all our glory, re-enacting what I can only describe as the bit in the pre-flight safety demonstration where the hostess shows you how to manually inflate a life-jacket by blowing through the little valve. She was playing the hostess and I was playing the safety-jacket…

33 comments:

Ute said...

Is it wrong that I'm horny now? :o/

Sulpicia said...

"we’re clueless dirt bags"

maybe. but the key to cinematic lust is to shoot and not watch. just forever imagine the perfect filmic moment. who cares if it's real or not.

conversely - get someone like me in the action. to direct. that's all you were missing. a director with an eye for the action.

JLee said...

haha! Maybe if you added some bow chica bow wow and some "surround-sound squelching noises" you could make it work?

fingers said...

Ute: No, but going round saying 'Is it wrong that I blah blah blah..' is wrong. Along with saying 'Ewwww', 'I just vomited a bit in my mouth' and 'I peed a little at that'.

Sul: What can I say...I like to watch. Perhaps I should have got you in to direct the film ?? Next time, eh ?? Could you possibly send me some of your recent work so I can make an informed decision.

JL: Hahahaha...'bow chica bow wow'. I have no idea WTF that means but it sounds excellent. No, no more porn for me...unless I have my pee-pee CGI'd...

Ute said...

Well dang, there goes half my repertoire.

Sulpicia said...

I direct. It works. I'm worth every penny (millions) to get me from the arctic to that weird place in my diagonal existence (ie: Australia. Yeah - I just want to visit so I'll slut myself big-time.) My filmic enterptrises, however, have been solo. (I am so amateur in that area. But amateur equals raw and focussed.) Good-bossy. I have taken the Bishop of the North and made him my acting slut. In Theatre. I'm quite sure I seduced him with all my swear words. Fuck! Just fucking do this, and then that! Fuck.) As for my video experiments, those are private. If you were next door I'd have you on celluloid in a heartbeat - as a good neighbour. I am a very good neighbour. I personally thing you should pursue this side of your nature. You had the right idea with the positioning of the camera... You just didn't go far enough. Too concerned with the size of your appendage.

Memphis Steve said...

OK, but where DO flies go when it's raining, Mr. Inflatible?

fingers said...

Ute: Well hopefully you still have the good half to fall back on.

Sul: You're in luck. On the Australian immigration form there is a special box marked 'SLUTTING' in response to the question 'purpose of visit'. We welcome sluts here with open legs.

MS: No one seems to know, mate...

UBERMOUTH said...

Wow! It was like I was there!
I was the seat.
And it was the only clap I got.

Jen said...

Stop!!! My sides ache from laughing!!!!

Is that wrong?

unique_stephen said...

I like that for normal people Sex is, well, normal.

Ms Smack said...

muahahahahhaah like the spider in the lunch-box.

So, can we see it? Copy it for us, Mr F!

:)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingrs: now this is soem of your best stuff babe. it was written wonderfully. with words youwere able to bring images into or minds...

It was like that time I happen to walk into mommy's and daddy's bed room without knocking...

I got better and no longer on the edge of sanity, thanks to a really good shrink they let me out of the hospital.

Then I read this post of yours and all of it just popped back into my mind. My lawyer will contact your lawyer. I want a million dollars and all of it in Disney dollars. :)

hehehe...I never knew you were into art films babe...I've made a few with ex boyfriends (no not all at once) and my now girlfriend.

You know I don't mind cum on my face or anywhere on my body...but never...never on my hands...weird huh? Don't know why.

Yes...I'll go...I'm saying too much huh?

GOD I LOVE COFFEE!

later sweetie pie. (((MWUAH)))

PS...do you have a DVD copy of that event? I want a copy. I'll even send you one of my DVDs.

Split Shifts said...

Damn. At least you enjoyed the experience of filming it.

Jayne said...

And we get to judge for ourselves where pray tell..............?
C'mon Fingers, I betcha posted it somewhere :-)

Electro-Kevin said...

So you mean ... without the POV I'd look even bigger than I already do ?

Wow !!!

Electro-Kevin said...

She was playing the hostess and I the safety jacket ...

... show me the exit !

Kitty said...

...is THAT what i could hear whirring away in the closet?

a fucking CAMERA??????????

that is the last time i inflate a life jacket in your bedroom MISTER FINGERS.

UBERMOUTH said...

Stop talking in bloody code.

What does Bow chica bow wow, POV and CGI mean!

Christ! Doesn't anyone blog in English anymore?

EmmaK said...

I thank God every day that I have never made a sex tape that suddenly appeared on the internet put up there by some nasty ex-paramour - although now I think about it there are a few lost nights here and there where alcohol was involved but I'm pretty sure they were back in the analog days I mean I don't think I knew anyone with a digital video camera more than ten years ago ...I think....now you've gotten me worried

Ms Smack said...

More!! More!!!

Memphis Steve said...

You are out buying gold instead of updating your blog, aren't you? Yeah, I heard some Aussie cornered the market and drove up the cost for the rest of us. I knew it was you!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Hello...
(ecko) Hello-hello-....hello.

Hum.

I was so tired last night. It was work-work-work at work but I played a little too. Then it was rehearsal, more work-work-work. I was sweating like a P-I-G hog, yah know. Then I get home and get showered and in my (long T-shirt) jammies. Then I jump into bed...the gal friend has the television on...and I can't get to sleep cause I like it quiet and dark. Fucking Jay Leno can be quite loud.

"Get to the point spiky"...I'm getting to it. Anyway I like it quiet and still....like HERE at your blog.

I'm bringing a pillow here tonight mmmm-kay?

later sweetie. xxx

mushroom said...

12 minutes? Porn was the first thing the dude who installed the internet pointed me towards...and then i found the whine guide.

I've always been an achiever

UBERMOUTH said...

Short marriage...... :)

Sweet Cheeks said...

The Fingers Sex Tape Scandal....
Now you just need to run for office.
=]

UBERMOUTH said...

I see you have writer's block there bub, do you want me to keep your readers on ice and guest for you?
hahahahaha

UBERMOUTH said...

The blogosphere needs your presence righ now Fingers !

Memphis Steve said...

You know I'm only kidding about the Vespa, right? But seriously, if a Harley is what you want, you should get a Harley, too. Just don't park it on the sidewalk out in front of your house.

UBERMOUTH said...

I may quit my blog and become a semi pro spammer,but you have to meet me halfway and give me something to work with!

Madam Z said...

Okay, I'm being totally serious now. This is one of the funniest posts I've ever read. Too bad Alan Funt isn't still around, so your film could be posted on Candid Camera!

Now...Where the hell are you? Your adoring fans need to hear from you again.

Steph said...

Lazy eeijit! What's happened? You jumped the fucking shark already with your bloody book?
Christ Fingers, half a chapter does not a book make you hapless superfail!

Giddy up!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers babe: You have to admit, steph has a excellent point. I've seen more chapters in comment boxes.

er...just saying.

um...is the pizza here yet?

xxx