Thursday, May 18, 2006

the sleep of the dead...



Amongst the many things at which I’m absolute rubbish, sleeping would have to be right near the top of my personal tip. Between the hours spent tossing from side to side or staring at the ceiling mentally subtracting the amount of time it’s taking me to fall asleep from the total amount of time available for the purpose, the half-hourly awakenings, the Stephen King-directed dream sequences and the early risings, I get about 3 hours of useful slumber per night.
Given the general perception that too much sleep is never enough, or that getting the same amount of sleep as a tree-sloth seems to account for the youthful good looks of every supermodel ever questioned about the reasons for their stunning appearance, I decided to Google the subject and see whether I was at any kind of risk.
Well, along with all the dire warnings about this and that, I came across a very interesting statistic; 74% of all people who die do so in their sleep.
Not only that but 60% of all those fatalities occur between the hours of 4-00am and 6-00am, when the body’s most vital functions are at their lowest operating capacity.
DO YOU PEOPLE REALISE WHAT I’M SAYING ??
Sleeping is a very, very, very dangerous business!!!
How many other supposedly healthy, essential activities have a 74% mortality rate??
None…that’s how many.
So, in the light of this terrifying data, I will resume my nightly bouts of insomnia, with the added protection of a wake-up call at 4-00am each morning just to ensure that I’m vigilant during the most potentially lethal part of the day.
The way I see it, by keeping my sleep to the barest of minimums and avoiding the twin, deadly peak hours, I may not live to be 175 years old…but it’ll fucking well seem like it…

25 comments:

W said...

Oh statistics, how I adore you.

Well done fingers - so we can expect you to be as even-tempered as ever then?

fingers said...

I treat all God's creatures the same.
Like garbage...

actonb said...

Um, can I make a sensible comment?
Apparently getting up and going for a walk, watching the sun rise is supposed to make you sleep better.
Stuffed if I know how it works, but a chronic-insomniac friend told me it does.

fingers said...

There's not a lot of quality sleep time left after you watch the sun come up, El Stupido...

actonb said...

Not that morning fuckface.
It's part of a concerted effort to overcome the insomnia.
Along with: going to bed at the same time every night. Not ingesting shedloads of alcohol and other illicit substances... etc etc.

fingers said...

Gee that sounds like a fucking hoot, Nac.
I'd certainly want to stave off death for as long as possible to take part in that orgy of fun...

actonb said...

Have I missed the point?
Again?

Mex said...

you fucking stole my blog subject and manipulated it into your own!

whats next? things in cans? dreams? Ash? Shrinkage?

cunt.

fingers said...

Well, sort of...if you believe the premise behind my ridiculous assertion that the more sleep you get, the more likely you are to die...

actonb said...

Unless you die of exhaustion.
Did you think of that one?????

fingers said...

YOUR BLOG SUBJECT ??
Where on your putrid shrine to plagiarism have you dealt with the subject of sleep, Jizz Breath...

Mex said...

FFS fingers is your eyesight declining as well as your memory.

do you think its time to upgrade from the vespa to the 'mobile access vehicle'?

fingers said...

Oh...the sleep paralysis/I got rammed by a goblin piece.
Fair point.
Get fucked...

Mex said...

so thats what you were doing with those pointy ears on the other night...

fingers said...

Yeah...and I'll be sporting a can of WD40 when I come round tonight, you frigid cow...

Mex said...

ill keep the gaffa tape handy so i can tie you up and hold you hostage until the goblin police arrive.

W said...

You two are a regular Laurel and Hardy.

fingers said...

You'll be finished goblin long before the cops arrive to save you, Hot Lips...

WJ said...

no, they are a regular Aragorn and Arwen








NOT.

he he, one for the LOTR lovers...

Rob Byrnes said...

Hey Fingers. Can you do another piece on Fuckface?
It'll spice the place up a bit.

fingers said...

How did you get past Cuntguard, Frank...

W said...

Man WJ, don't make me scroll down like that again. I thought you were serious for a moment.

Rob Byrnes said...

Piece of piss fingers.
I knew you would have to turn Cuntguard off to get in yourself.
So I just followed you in!

fingers said...

Frank, if you were THAT funny all the time (or in fact ANY other time), I'd make you my wingman.
That comment was your absolute best ever.
Have you made an honest mail-order bride out of Flipper yet...

Rob Byrnes said...

fingers you fuck.
I ran your last post through my Shiteometer. Now the scale has changed to logarithmic and the needle is bent.
It's useless now.
At least until your next post.