Sunday, June 11, 2006

are you an emperor without clothes...

If you’re the sort of person for whom form will always out over substance, for whom quantity will always trump quality, or for whom the only purchasing consideration is maximising your bang-for-buck and impressing your friends, then you’re going to love the latest edition to the ‘BlogsR’Us’ line-up.
Courtesy of Western Australia (where else??) comes a new blog combining the vacuous grandeur of Rose Porteous with the colossal flash-in-the-pannery of Alan Bond; we give you ‘The Mountjoy’.
Its shiny, tacky exterior concealing a vast nothingness within, this wonder of cyber-economics provides more cubic gigabytes of blogging tedium per dollar than any other DIY template on the market.
From without it appears to be just like any other site, however take a peek inside and the genius of ‘The Mountjoy’s’ design soon becomes self-evident. The secret of ‘The Mountjoy’ lies in its patented construction technique; built almost entirely of inexpensive, easy-to-lay hyperlinks, modern miracles of blog-engineering, which are masterfully spaced between every second or third word of original, vapidly gossamer prose, allowing even the most ineffectual writer to create the illusion of substance.
Why spend wasteful years honing those non-existent skills when you can simply stand on the shoulders of giants, reprint their work, add a few conjunctions and dump it all in your personal internet-silo??
Stretching out to cyber-infinity, you’ll be delighted to find room after room after room of cheap, easy-to-fabricate storage, perfect for abandoning all that unpublished garbage you’ve accumulated over a lifetime’s scribbling. More than just a shrine to habitual, mainstream rejection, the ethereal quality of ‘The Mountjoy’ eventually fools even its proprietor into believing his blog is a distinguished body of work rather than just a barren wasteland of pop-culture dross.
Expansive use of the hyperlinks, combined with some clever exploitation of the surface area/volume paradox allows the owner of ‘The Mountjoy’ to apply a large percentage of his limited resources to maintaining the gaudy façade of the blog without compromising its potential shit-holding capacity.
This is blogging’s equivalent of ‘The McMansion’, with only the most sophisticated of site-seers able to comprehend that whilst there are many rooms in your mansion, most of them will forever remain very sparsely furnished…

15 comments:

fingers said...

Fuckety, fuck, fuck, fuck...can someone please explain how to upload photos onto this shitful site...

Mountjoy said...

Ah, what a wonderful paradox fingers: In trying to describe a place you consider to be a vacuous and content free blog, you manage to create… a vacuous and content free post. If only you had added references to movie reviews and haiku, you may have even blamed me for your own post!

All this, and yet, not a single hyperlink to direct some of the tens of thousands of your daily visitors to my site for a look so they can see the view from inside for themselves.

You promised me fame, fingers…

fingers said...

Mate, I tried...believe me.
This cunt of a thing was supposed to have photos and links and all the accessories.
I have published and republished the rotten thing 50 times and none of the 'extras' have made it into the text.
I do however thank you for taking the time to read my piece, and I'm impressed that you noticed the stunning irony of the situation...

Mountjoy said...

Now line up The Daily Truth...

That would make good reading, Brutus.

fingers said...

I'd like to look after my peerless peers first.
I think I'll do a Big Brother and let you, the public, decide who is the next chicken in the grinder...

Mountjoy said...

I see his editor stepped in today...

fingers said...

Some of the outrage against JM, by what appear to be sensible, literate people is just astonishing.
We're becoming a very humourless nation; perhaps as our Americanisation continues, the loss of our ability to see irony or simply laugh at ourselves is necessarily attendant.
We used to be a proud bunch of poppy-cutters...now we're dedicated to the preservation of boring celebrities.
Too sad...

Mountjoy said...

I don't disagree - our Americanisation is disgusting in its depth.

The Marx thing is funny; having only known him as a piss-puller on JML, his "hard hitting" stuff just doesnt work for me - I'm not sure what he is trying to be: it isn't lightweight humourist, but he just doesnt have the gravitas to deliver on big issues. The result is that he does come off looking like a whinger - the Tool article, for instance; a legitmate beef (precious rock stars), but he just ends up looking like a plonker. Same with Barry Manilow - why does he sell songs? He has carved out a niche in the market. Beyond that, and there is nothing to say but whinging and looking like you envy the guy. He may noit be our cup of tea, but there is a market for that shit, as much as there is for Rap and Country and Western (Keith Urban, anyone?)

I think the press he is getting now is not representative - he's had big inputs form the Barry Manilow (!) and Russell Crowe e-groups I'd say, and those fanatics are never gonna hear a bad word about thier idols... but 500+ replies? That's a number to be proud of.

fingers said...

See, I don't take the whinge-factor in JM's stuff too seriously.
These cunts need to have their pants pulled down by someone with a vicious, caustic sense of humour.
I realise most people would rather watch Ray Martin fawn all over these historically influential B-listers, however the death of the cult of celebrity (and it's hideous attendant, the toxic bloom of consumerism) can't come soon enough.
Fuck the Russell Crowes, Brangelinas and Harry Kewells of the world and good riddance to all the junk that comes with them...

W said...

Oh fingers, for a smart man, you really are a Luddite...

Mex said...

is that just a fancy way of saying 'wanker'?

Mountjoy said...

I'm with fingers on that one WCS - fucking Blogger is VERY hit and miss uploading photos...

W said...

Blogger is very fucking hit and miss period, and as fingers kindly pointed out to me earlier, he does know how to upload a photo as evidenced earlier in his magical blog.

I retract any and all "fingers is a luddite" statements I may have made.

welcome to wallyworld said...

Well if you dicks weren't all such cheapskates you could have a bloggie with all the bells and whistles (makes tea, irons your shirts and gives a BJ) for $12 a month with Hipspace...er..."Squarespace" like I do. Pisses all over Blogger. Especially if you run a PC rather than Apple, comme moi.

Dede Makine said...

Thanks for sharing!

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