Tuesday, June 13, 2006

wake me when it's over...

I loathe soccer with a passion!!!
I don’t even rate soccer as a sport; it should be set to music; maybe ‘Depeche Mode’??
All of which brings me to the non-subject of the upcoming World Cup and my bottomless disinterest in this appalling orgy of nationalistic fervour.
The World Cup should come with a World Saucer, so that these precious pussies can lap their milk after winning this poxy tournament.
So what if 70% of the world plays soccer; 70% of the world lives near or below the economic/agricultural subsistence-line, but I wouldn’t want to go to the World Cup of Poverty.
Make no mistake; soccer success is a rapid-transit, one-way ticket to national bankruptcy. I mean just have a look at some of the Banana Republics taking part in this tragic spectacle; Brazil, Argentina, Paraguay, Ecuador, Costa Bloody Rica, Ivory Coast, Serbia and Fucking Montenegro, Ukraine, Tunisia, Iran, Angola, Ghana, Togo (is that even a real country??), Poland and Cuntland for all I know.
These are countries that wouldn’t get an invitation to a G500 economic summit…they read like a ‘What’s What’ of crime, civil unrest, internal conflict, corruption and all-round piss-poorness.
In most of these shit-holes, Monopoly sets come with the country’s actual currency inside, as it’s cheaper to use than it is to print fake notes. If you were going to give Europe, Africa or South America an enema, you could stick the nozzle in any of these countries and be anatomically correct in a geographical sense.
The World Cup is a multi-billion dollar operation, yet more than half the countries competing have a GDP equivalent to two pigs and length of copper wire.
If the fans from these economic super-minnows ever turn up to a game in Germany, The Red Cross will have to do a food-drop by helicopter at half-time otherwise they’ll be selling their kidneys to buy hotdogs…

57 comments:

W said...

Oh fingers, you are a funny, funny man.

Hahahaha! Super minnows!

actonb said...

The 'upcoming World Cup'? That'd be the one that started a couple of days ago then...?
I call you on the 'Luddite' thing again.

fingers said...

Luddite ??
That's rich coming from a member of the Bulli Cavedwellers Association, Nic.
It's been at least 50,000 years since my family gathered round a flaming pile of rotting vegetation and called it a great night's viewing...

actonb said...

You need to commune with your inner neanderthal...
And my word, it sounds like you had such a fulfilling long weekend. A bonfire's a damn sight more compelling to watch than the inside of one's eyelids...

fingers said...

I particularly like the look of your Uncle Cletus (pic 3) about to put on his KKK outfit.
I presume the fire was part of his initiation as The Grand Wizard of Mollymook...

actonb said...

Ha! Poor Uncle Cletus. So tired from his wafting...

mushroom said...

The only interest i have in the world cup is in slagging my croatian friend and winning the office tipping comp.

welcome to wallyworld said...

Wog-ball.

WJ said...

fuck off with the Depeche Moe slurs.

good news is, fingers, that there is a rugby game on tomorrow too, so that at least should keep you happy, plus there is Ireland / ABs in case you want an interesting game to boot...

fingers said...

Some of my ass-bandit clients want to meet in Home Bar at 2-00am Monday, at the Samba Party for the Aus/Brazil game.
I'm ill at the prospect...

jungle jane said...

fuck me, you are a funny fellow.

Would it help to think of football (i fucking won't call it soccer) as nice war (just with hot brazillian chicks making up the masses instead of ugly shaven soldiers) that we can all thoroughly enjoy beating the USA in?

Every time we score a goal against them, we can pat them cheerfully on the back and say "oooh it's just friendly fire"...

fingers said...

Hiya Jane...thanks for popping in.
I was having a giggle on your marvellous site yesterday and thought I'd leave my stain on it.
Glad you followed the trail back here.
And no, it wouldn't help to think of soccer even in those terms. I doubt whether I could be persuaded to watch a game of girlie-ball even if it was the sole pre-condition for an operation that would save my life...

Pixie Sprinkle said...

How about if the operation was to make your knob 4 inches larger? would you watch then??

BEAST said...

I have just been watching Welly Throwing 'live' from Holland on sky eurosport.Now theres a mans game.No hair gel or fake tans in sight.I nearly wet myself with excitement.
Pixie can I have the opp , I have always dreamed of a 5 " penis

fingers said...

Not even if my new, improved, larger wing-wang came with a free set of steak knives...

welcome to wallyworld said...

There you go again - appropriating my trademark "wing-wang".

Anita said...

You only hate Cuntland because you've never been there. It lies adjacent to Pussyvania and borders the Unified Republic of Twat. They're not the most fragrant countries but there are some very scenic ridges and grasslands.

You should totally make a "Cuntland" jersey for the Aus/Brazil game you're being drug to. That'll show 'em. =)

fingers said...

Actually Anita, I have visited Cuntland several times over the years and know quite a lot of its indigenous people.
In fact, many of my best friends are Cunts, the industry I work in is comprised almost entirely of Cunts and for the last 20 years or so I have only dated complete Cunts.
So I'm hardly a bigot...

WJ said...

I understood that you are a naturalised Cunt yourself fingers, and have been nominated for the OVE to boot.

fingers said...

And as I understand it WJ, there was no need to naturalise you as you were a natural Cunt already...

WJ said...

an easy mistake to make fingers - I simply have such a way with the Cunts that they don't actually realise I am not one of them

fingers said...

Did growing that beard and smearing yourself with tuna oil help with the assimilation process...

WJ said...

no, pretty much unrelated.

fun though

fingers said...

And the best part is that even if the Cunts reject you, with that disguise on, you can still walk freely amongst a group of Danes...

W said...

Ooo, that one had to sting.

fingers said...

Canadians, at birth, of course automatically receive dual-citizenship of and full-residency in Cuntland.
Ooh, that's got to hurt...

W said...

Guess I am doubly cursed then - cunt by birth, cunt by nationality...

jungle jane said...

erm what language is spoken in Cuntland? i thought all fanny farts were the same - i never realised that my vagina was actually conversing with me...

fingers said...

The only thing fanny-farts have in common is the look of utter horror they inspire on chicks' faces a nano-second after they occur.
Very few trouts can carry one off with style.
And Jane, if you'd been paying even the slightest attention to what your vag has been telling you, you'd know it wants to go on a Fairstar cruise...

WJ said...

no fingers, they are more into the herring oil. they do love the beard though.

just remember fingers, the last time a vag spoke to you it used Shakespearean English

fingers said...

'Twas The Beard of Avon...

WJ said...

I'll pay that. no doubt discussing the critical merits of Two Gentlemen of Vagina

W said...

Don't forget fingers' fave: The Taming of the Pubes

fingers said...

And 'Antony and Clittypatterer'...

WJ said...

or, for the Greeks among us, Coriolanus...

fingers said...

Or 'Testicles'.
Shakespeare was the 16th century's version of Larry Flynt...

jungle jane said...

Sorry fingers - i was too busy enjoying the stink of my bum farts.

Mountjoy said...

...as opposed to the floral bouquet of your fanny farts, Jane?

Georgia said...

Trust Mountjoy to stoop to the level of fanny farts. Now on to the real topic which is football/soccer/the beautiful game/the fucking annoying game... I must shamefacedly admit that I have totally jumped on the bandwagon here in Dubai with the World Cup. Every night out (or night in at people's houses where they've actually got the TV on, unlike moi...) is currently revolving around watching football and I'm even finding myself starting to car. And getting really excited when they take a corner, a term previously unknown to me.

fingers said...

Thanks for stopping by, Georgia...
As you can see, we've all got blogs now.
Mountjoy's comes with a free CD of James Blunt's 'You're beautiful', in case you fall into a coma whilst reading it...

Georgia said...

Oh Jesus, James bloody Blunt. Can someone, anyone, please stop that chinless tedious toff and his terrifying gums from getting any more unnecessary exposure? He has a voice that sounds like his testicles were caught in a garlic crusher and how he managed to convince the gorgeous Mischa Barton to appear in one of his clips is a mystery. Indeed, the stupidity of the hot women he has managed to bed is an even bigger mystery, The must cease and desist at once in order to prevent him from labouring under the misapprehension that he is actually attractive.

Right. Now, about the football..

Anita said...

You've found nothing new to whine about??? Must be a cush life you're leadin' over here fingers.

fingers said...

Am just putting the finishing touches on a very unpleasant piece about my favourite B-lister, Our Nicole Kidman.
The slag lives about 300 metres from my place when she's in Sydney and I didn't get a bait to her wedding...

Georgia said...

Excellent. Any excuse to slag off that slightly animated store dummy is more than welcome. I am still incandescent with rage that she got the Oscar for her rubber nose performance over Julianne Moore.

Mountjoy said...

Talk about Hypocrisy... lets have a recap: ass-bandits, hot brazilian chicks, a 4-inch knob, Cuntland, The Republic of Twat, a wing-wang, a 5-inch penis, a beard smeared with tuna oil, fanny-farts, the two gentlemen of vagina, taming of the pubes, antony and clitterpatter, Coriolanus, testicle and bum farts and all of a sudden I'M stooping. Well I guess I have lowered myself to come to The Ribbed Guide, er that's right, it's the Whine Guide isnt it. It just looks like RFYP.
Lie down with dogs and all that...

Georgia said...

It was lavatorial but witty until the farty stuff appeared (and I have a very high tolerance of fart jokes too.) Sorry, Donnie, you took it into the "unfunny" realm. Better luck next time, eh?

welcome to wallyworld said...

What! You don't link to me? Well fuck you too then.

fingers said...

Where's the link on WWW to my blog, fucker ???
Actually, as you well know, I am completely incapable of loading links onto this site myself; that stuff is handled by my executive web-assistant, Wendy.
Despite my repeated requests for her to put WWW on the link-list, she has so far refused to do anything about it.
Have you done anything to displease her...

W said...

FOF. I will add it now.

Wankers, the both of you.

fingers said...

BTW...does anyone know what's going on with Mountjoy ???
I believe his cheese has finally slipped off his cracker...

Mountjoy said...

Fuck, I guess I don't do sarcasm very well either....

world champ stephen neal said...

I love you, you know.

fingers said...

I've gone to sleep with worse thoughts, Stephen...

welcome to wallyworld said...

Link still doesn't work. And your link on WWW needs to be added by you. Click on your name. Der.

fingers said...

Speak to my blog-bitch, Mal.
She handles all the non-creative site issues...

W said...

It is fixed you utter plonkers.

fingers said...

Nice job, Wendy.
Take a star out of petty cash and award it to yourself...