Wednesday, June 28, 2006

i'm not too proud to admit my poo smells...

A (girl) friend of mine recently asked why it is that men read the newspaper in the toilet.
The answer of course is simple; men read in the toilet because it's quiet, peaceful and there are usually no women in there.
I know this because I used to be a man (before I got married).
Every Sunday morning I'd grab the ‘Good Weekend’ supplement, my cigarettes/lighter and lock myself in the bathroom. The light blue tiles were cool under my feet, green pot-plants were thriving in the steamy atmosphere created by the shower and the little picture window afforded both a gentle breeze and pleasant view. It was a very, very nice place to be; tranquility itself.
I'd park myself on the throne, pants around the ankles, magazine spread out on the floor, and light up a cigarette. Then I’d begin reading the articles, cover to cover, whilst very carefully ashing the cigarette between my legs.
This zen-like ambience would invariably be broken by a pounding on the door, my ex-wife wanting to know what I was doing??
"I'm reading the paper."
"I can smell smoke."
"I'm reading the paper and smoking."
"Why are you doing it in there??”
"Because it's quiet."
"Why is the door locked??”
"To stop you coming in."
"Why, what are you really doing??”
"OK, Columbo, you've caught me. I'm having a party in here. All my mates are in here drinking Absinthe off the nipples of hookers that climbed up a rope and through the 30cm square window three stories above the ground."
"Can I come in??”
"Do you need to go to the toilet??”
"No."
"Then, no. You can't come in."
"Why??”
"Because I want some peace and quiet. Now, go away."
"It's just revolting, you sitting there with that awful smell..."
Now…This is where I believe a lot of the confusion seems to lie??
I suspect that most women believe men who spend say 30 minutes reading in the toilet are actively engaged in doo-dooing for the entire time. That whilst flipping the pages over, we are straining and groaning, all manner of evil gases escaping, and that the toilet is inexorably piling up with poo.
In fact, we read for about 29 of those minutes, then we close the paper, do our business, wipe our bottoms, flush the toilet, put the seat back up just to annoy you, wash our hands and leave.
But back to the story…
"No, it doesn't smell in here. Just some cigarette smoke."
"I don't believe you."
"I don't really care."
"Let me in."
"No. Go away."
She'd eventually skulk off somewhere; I'd light another cigarette and return to my reading. After about 30 minutes and a few more cigarettes, I'd do my business and conclude the session.
As soon as the door opened, my ex-wife would brush past me in the doorway, step into the bathroom, take a big breath and say,
"Oh my god, that smells awful. How can you stand it??”
"I can't. That’s why I'm leaving."
"Oh, gross. It stinks."
"Yes, that's why I do it in here, rather than the lounge room."
"Well mine doesn't smell like that."
"No, of course not, my darling. Yours smells like potpourri; I think we should keep it in a display bowl on the coffee table..."

22 comments:

actonb said...

I do love your gender-specific font colour...

mushroom said...

You sure you werent batting off to the page 3 girl?

Georgia said...

But can you confirm that all men read first and then poo? I've had several occasions whereby my father has camped himself in the loo with the entire Saturday Herald and I've had to bang on the door so I can put my hand in and grab a few sections of the paper back. And I can confirm that even opening the door for the 10-second transaction of passing me the mag was enough to knock me out. And then I never quite felt happy reading the paer on the kitchen table after it had been in there...

W said...

Hell fingers, I fail to understand why she could not grasp that.

Its like retreating to the bath to drink wine and read and have peace.

Georgia said...

I grasp the read-first-poo-at-the-end concept but I'm not convinced that this is the order of events all men prefer to follow... Just questioning whether Fingers therefore speaks for all men and their bowels.

Mountjoy said...

Humans are faecal obsessive. That's why we can't smell the stench of our own muck. I was taught that gem by a philosophy professor at University. A load of shit, really...

world champ stephen neal said...

AGREED! Top notch post, fella.

God save the Queen. (or whatever you Brits say)

W said...

Apologies Georgia, I was referring to the ex-wife's non-grasping of why fingers liked to retreat, not your comment.

Clarity is good sometimes.

I agree with you. I do wonder about the order...

fingers said...

Georgia - I cannot speak for all men; I simply allow my devoted readers to tour the mansions of MY mind.
Wendy - the beauty of the bathroom is that it's the only room in the house which you may lock without arousing too much suspicion.
Mountjoy - as ever, we can always rely on Western Australia's universities to tackle the big issues.
Champ - don't let my superb diction fool you. I'm pure Australian...

Mex said...

ok but now that you live alone do you still read on the toilet or not?

fingers said...

I only read The Guinness Book of Records in the loo these days.
I find it helps make me more boring and less appealing to your people...

jungle jane said...

There are some that consider the shit to be art and some consider it to be mere biology. personally i think its a sport, and i do love my sports.

i am not so sure that sport can be conducted at the same time as reading the paper. but maybe that's just me, eh?

fingers said...

I've always considered most art to be shit.
And I'm not that crazy about biology either...

Mountjoy said...

sorry, fingers, mine was an ivy league education.... blame the seppos.

WJ said...

and so we come full circle Donnie, from the smell of shite to the septic tank.

Nice - almost poetic of you

Ms Smack said...

You know... i've always wondered how on earth guys can shit for half an hour in there.

Thank you for clearing it up.

Excellent post... and really, why the hell does she care if you're in there?

I'd be making the peace and quiet too.

fingers said...

Oh my...Honeysmack...I've just taken a look at your site.
It brought back so many wonderful memories.
Mostly of crouching in the linen closet with Dad's Penthouse mags and a torch...

welcome to wallyworld said...

I'm trying to think of a way I can poo-poo your argument but nothing's coming.

You ever tried to take a dump in a Turkish-style squat toilet like a lot of bars and restaurants here have? You need to hang on to your dacks with one hand and the bog-roll with the other and there's no place for the newspaper. I don't know what you'd do if you had only one arm.

Ms Smack said...

lol, i dont always write about that stuff. It was the first time! LOL

fingers said...

Mal, Japanese toilets are just as spartan as Turkish dumpsters.
When I first got to Tokyo, most of the subway restrooms were still stand-up affairs.
My biggest issue was getting used to facing the wall for #2s and coming to grips with the concept that it wasn't going to land in my pants (I always removed them fully before assuming the position)...
And Honeysmack...your story has inspired me to go and find an old piece I did on one of my more forgettably intimate moments...

Ms Smack said...

Glad I inspired something :)

Jane said...

the loos in aussieland don't have ventilation or fans?