Thursday, June 22, 2006

nic off you boring bitch...

On the surface Nicole Kidman may seem an impossibly mediocre actress whose success boggles the imagination; however there is another side of ‘Our Nic’.
I doubt whether many of the rabid critics out there know, for instance, of her tireless work in raising public awareness of the suffering caused by a little-known condition called SADS.
You see, while the flashier epidemics such as AIDS and SARS get all the trendy press coverage, this insidious disease remains largely ignored, creeping around in the medical undergrowth, silently ruining many, many lives.
SADS, or ‘Sudden Attention Deficit Syndrome’ is a crippling condition which exclusively affects celebrities; famously chronic victims include Kirsty Alley and Jennifer Aniston.
It occurs when a celebrity has not seen their name in print for at least 24 hours, nor their face splashed on the front of a magazine for over a week. SADS-sufferers slip quickly into a deep, public depression; initially…and amazingly…alternately battling weight gain then anorexia and sometimes both simultaneously, depending on which magazines you’re reading. If this fails to hold the public's gaze for long, a SADS-sufferer will often then gorge themself on harmless over-the-counter headache tablets in an attempt to gain entry into The Betty Ford Clinic.
Or stage a bogus shoplifting spree in a suitably cooperative department store, a bogus trip to an illegal fertility lab, a bogus wedding on a remote island, a bogus divorce with armies of high-priced lawyers, a bogus custody battle over non-existent children, a bogus religious conversion or an affair with a younger partner. The final stage of this embarrassing disease sees the sufferer bare their soul on Oprah, hoping to give we simple trolls an idea of the appalling curse that comes with fame and fortune.
All of which brings me back to the subject of my glamorous neighbour, the Academy-award winning actress and United Nations Ambassador for Something-or-Other…Nicole Kidman.
Apparently…and tragically…following a recent twenty-five-page interview with ‘No Idea’ in which ‘Our Nic’ described a desperate hope for some privacy in the matter of her upcoming wedding to that Country & Western Hippie Dude, the world's tabloid journalists took her at her word, left her alone, and she quickly developed full-blown SADS.
An expert on the disease, also a close friend of Nicole’s who declined to be named, recently stated that of all the SADS patients he has ever seen, Nicole is the SADDEST…

12 comments:

fingers said...

Oh FFS...where is the fucking photo that's supposed to accompany this piece ???
In the words of my friend Mountjoy, 'I'm getting sick and tired of my own incompetence'...

Mountjoy said...

The head-fuck is fingers, that your photo HAS been uploaded. You need to cut and paste the HTML that describes a photo from another post, and change the name of the jpeg within it to your new photo. That has been the only was I could get BHPerection & Bjorn/Benny up.

Strangely, "the Mob" worked first time. First time in their lives more like it.

Ferkin Funny post BTW. 4 pans. Christ, I gotta stop that....

welcome to wallyworld said...

Is that the best you can do? I was hoping for some real dirt on her. You could have made it up even. I wanna hear about her hanging with an outlaw biker gang or doing crack in the dunnies at the Oscars or some fucking thing.

world champ stephen neal said...

Nicole Kidman is hot, even if she did wed a Sciemtologist. But, rumor has it that the marriage was never consumated...

W said...

I dunno, I kinda like Nic...Does that make me sad as well?

Mountjoy said...

sorry, i wouldn't "go there". i think she is creepy - not attractive in any sexual way (and i usually have a smirk at the redhead=wild in bed stereotype; "Their Nic" is the exception to that rule)

fingers said...

Tom and Nicole's marriage was consumated in tradtional Thetan manner; the groom wetting the tip of his forefinger in his beer then placing it in the left ear of his bride at the reception...

world champ stephen neal said...

I knew I could count on you for the facts.

Tomkat is CRAZY!

jungle jane said...

i think she's a freak. a skinny freak with thin skin and a very creepy smile. Normally freaky creepy people are arousing to me, but i am certain i wouldn't do our Nic even if she asked real nice.

fingers said...

No way...Our Nic might be a horror but I reckon she'd absolutely go bananas on the work bench.
However I can't worry about that until I finish licking the photo of Brittney off the front page of the SMH...

Klatuu o embu├žado said...

Mister finger... what a dread you are!

Ms Smack said...

jesus, you dont have to use HTML Preview to upload a pic. You can do it in the normal settings.