Monday, July 03, 2006

don't try this at home...


As soon as I got my first digital video camera I was overcome with a terrible desire to make my own porn!
I have a sneaking suspicion that most men in my situation have had the same idea whether they care to admit it or not? Oh sure, it all starts out harmlessly enough; the mandatory beginner clips, camera trained on our girlfriend with one hand whilst giving the directorial ‘more-action’ signal with the other. You try to coax her into saying something interesting, or at least cute but she simply grimaces, stares at the floor and yells ‘take the fucking camera out of my face’. You then progress to making a series of fascinating documentaries about your apartment before committing the ultimate indignity of filming your pet doing something enormously talented.
Deep down though, I really believe most guys want to try making their own blue movie, because let’s face it; we’re filthy animals at the core. The average male will try to find porn within 12 minutes of logging onto the internet for the first time…that’s a known fact…even though my research is predicated entirely on personal experience.
For most men it’s natural to watch it, so why not try and make it?
And I’m not talking about a sly peepshow...luring your unsuspecting girlfriend into the bedroom and secretly taping her undressing or performing a series of ballistically improbable acts on you, oblivious to the camera whirring unseen in the closet. Nor one of those graphically medical, up close and personal clips involving snatch-cam or surround-sound squelching noises.
I mean something artistic; a permanent record, tastefully capturing the bonds of intimacy that exist between a man and his trout.
And for mine, there’s nothing that encompasses this ideal more than a nice, long, slow blowjob. It’s just about the most thoughtful thing a trout can do for her man!
I mentioned this to my girlfriend, who enthusiastically (???) agreed to let me film her in the process of rendering unto Caesar the comfort of her lips. In truth, we both thought it might be a rather exciting experience; one that would enhance our sex life immeasurably (um...not that it needed it).
We chose the classic scenario; I would be seated on a chair and she would assume the position on her knees in front of me. Opting for a side-on camera angle, rather than the trendy point-of-view routine, I set the recording equipment on a tripod, optimized the lighting conditions, grabbed the remote control and took my seat in the director/star’s chair. My girlfriend took up her position on the floor, some preliminary adjustments were made to ensure ‘Mr Wibbly-Wobbly’ was looking his finest and the action began…
Now, I won’t go into details regarding the actual length of the scene; suffice to say that duration was the least of my ultimate worries. Throughout the entire performance, I felt I was managing admirably, whilst my girlfriend expertly ran through her entire repertoire with the sort of uninhibited grace I’d come to expect over the course of our relationship. The finale was predictably spectacular as far as I was concerned; the usual panoply of epileptic spasms and grimaces from me and some dream-like licking of the lips from her.
We could barely contain our mutual excitement at such a great ‘take’.
Hurriedly we raced over to the camera, hooked it up to the PC and downloaded our home-porn-movie…
Now, ever the realist I know in my heart that I’m not a real porn star, but unfortunately, as with most young men I’d been brought up on a steady diet of professional work; you know the stuff I’m talking about…
The girl, suitably sweet-looking with just a hint of naughtiness, suddenly dislocates her jaw like a reticulated python preparing to swallow a giraffe whole and clamps her lips around her partner’s member. And not just any old member either…uh-uh…it’s always the same; a preposterously monumental example of penile super-abundance, seamlessly and somehow impossibly grafted onto the body of a normal male.
This is followed by the obligatory bulging of the eyes, then the cheeks, whereupon the girl commences the act in earnest, a look of fear gradually replaced by one of pure contentment. This is accompanied by an exaggerated, trombone-playing-like flailing of both hands, much lizard-like tongue action and the depositing of several litres of saliva in the crotch region, until the salami-sized appendage is magically removed just in time to erupt all over the happy young lady’s face.
Well, I wasn’t expecting to see anything on that grand a scale, but neither was I prepared for what unfolded on the screen before me.
There was my girlfriend and there was I…in all our glory, re-enacting what I can only describe as the bit in the pre-flight safety demonstration where the hostess shows you how to manually inflate the life-jacket by blowing through the little valve. She was playing the hostess and I was playing the safety-jacket…
OK, maybe I’m being a little harsh on myself?
However…I couldn’t watch more than 20 seconds of this ludicrous pantomime. I suspected the ending, which I’d been looking forward to watching very much, was unlikely to be the ‘naked firewoman fights off high-pressure hose’ scene I had hoped for either?
With a click of the mouse, I consigned our movie to the recycle bin and vowed never to try that sort of thing at home again.
Let this be a warning!!!!
Leave pornography to the professionals.
Or to ‘Honeysmacks’…

28 comments:

W said...

Hee hee fingers.

I think most homemade porn would be just as bad as the one your describe. Unless it is a pro job, its all a bit ridiculous, isn't it?

mushroom said...

When i got our digital camera i remember that i discovered sooner than misshroom that it had a video camera on it. As she was just saying 'have you figured out the video yet?' i was zooming down her top.

fingers said...

If you really must try home-porn, never, ever, ever use the POV (point of view) technique.
Unless you're hung like a moose.
POV fore-shortens things terribly through the lens.
The side angle is much kinder.
It's why the guy peeing next to you always seems to have a bigger wing-wang...

actonb said...

fingers, ever thought that maybe the guy peeing next to you DOES have a bigger wing wang? Always.

But hee! It's like stupid wardrobes with slding mirror doors... Always makes me feel so ... underachieving.

fingers said...

Good girl Nic.
I knew if I left the door open wide enough, one of you brilliant comedians would sieze the opportunity.
Now, do you think it's the sliding mirrors that are causing your feelings of inadequacy, or the fact that you lie there like a sack of spuds...

mushroom said...

And what the fuck are you doing looking sideways? Everyone knows the eyes ahead etiquette.

fingers said...

Plus it gives you a sore neck after a while.
I had to take down the mirror on the ceiling after a nasty incident in which I woke up one morning to what I thought was a naked skydiver coming at me...

actonb said...

See fingers, it's like this...
I'll quite happily take you up on your easy gag option, and then kindly return the favour...

fingers said...

I have no idea what that means but I'll take one anyway...

mushroom said...

Sounds pretty suspect to me.

fingers said...

I bet 'Honeysmack' would make it sound more inviting...

Mountjoy said...

Is Honeysmack something similar to Turkeysmack? Does she need to be evicted? Can we check with The Rodent?

Georgia said...

Actonb, I'm so with you on the mirrored wardrobe thing. They are wrong, bad and a tad seedy. I had a boyfriend who had a mirrored wardrobe and he used to admire himself during the act. He did have a very good body but only because he was a boring gym junkie. He also had green satin sheets which are repulsively sweaty and way too slippery, causing foot slippage in missionary and knee-slippage when on top. Cotton sheets, people, are the way forward.

world champ stephen neal said...

Greetings fingers. I tried this once, but I needed a longer lens.

fingers said...

I should have used an Asian stunt-mouth with tiny, tiny hands...

Mountjoy said...

"Cotton sheets, people, are the way forward...."

So what do you propose we use for doggy style, Georgia?

Georgia said...

We? As in you and I going for it doggie-style? I'm flattered at the offer but I think I'll pass..

fingers said...

I think I'd be putting the cotton sheets away and getting some sawdust out for that splendid coupling...

Mountjoy said...

Oh, great. Now she's into Water Sports...

Georgia said...

There's a difference between being into golden showers and not taking any shit from anyone...

welcome to wallyworld said...

Mate, check out this broad's site (Scottish standup comic) - http://janeygodley.livedigital.com/

Mountjoy said...

Indeed. One's called Urolagnia, the other Coprophilia (or phobia if you are scared of it, I guess).

In researching this remark, I discovered that Shirly Mansen (of Garbage fame) once said "...I want a man who will let me pee in his belly button..."

Nice to see some girls are not limiting themselves to money or looks when sizing up a man, isn't it?

world champ stephen neal said...

Nick-nack paddy-whak, I've still got the biggest sack.

Anita said...

Fingers I'm glad you made this realization. Too bad you didn't make it to your climax. I'd imagine your "OH" face would have been embarrassing as well. Most guys look like they're having an anyeurism when they orgasm. Handsome!

fingers said...

Anita, I make no secret of the fact I get just as much enjoyment from bringing your people pleasure as I do seeing that scrunched-up look on their faces when they come.
A plastic spider works just as well and invloves far less effort...

Mountjoy said...

How the hell do you fuck a plastic spider, fingers?

world champ stephen neal said...

In your case, very carefully. In my case, I simply destroy it.

Ms Smack said...

ahahahahahhahahahahha

that was brilliant !!

:)