Sunday, July 09, 2006

and where are my bloody iggs, woman...

Dear Kiwi Filth,

As you have constantly been reminding me all morning…yes it’s been a wonderful last twelve months for New Zealand.
Not only did the mentally fragile ‘All Blacks’ demolish the world-champion ’Wallabies’ in the Bledisloe Cup, leaving our dreams of rugby domination in tatters, but the ‘Silver Lesbian Ferns’ beat Australia’s ‘Golden Trouts’ to win the Melbourne Commonwealth games gold medal. The high point for the Kiwis came in the tri-nations Rugby League final, when the unbeatable ‘Kangaroos’ were held scoreless and flogged by the ‘Sheep-Shagging Wife-beaters’.
Even the ‘Pacific Peso’ came within five cents of parity with the all-conquering ‘Aussie Dollar’.
So, well done to all you Kiwis; enjoy the moment. You have pulled our pants down for now, but let’s not lose sight of the bigger picture, which is this:
In all other respects, your country is complete rubbish!!
That’s right, bro…Cuntsville.
New Zealand is an insignificant, microscopic speck of dirt that would fit comfortably into a remote corner of north-western Australia without even warranting its own postcode. Topographically speaking, it is suitable only for hosting a British Open golf championship, except that the country falls 200 metres short of what the ‘Royal and Ancient Society’ has deemed necessary to build a full-size course. What miniscule landscape does exist is so inhospitable that even the snakes which used to roam the country have moved on to greener pastures, whilst the climate, cold, wet and windy, is bleak enough to depress a polar bear.
Internationally speaking you are even duller than Switzerland, which at least buried its fangs in your butt a few years ago; despite being thoroughly landlocked, those famous, sea-faring makers of cowbells, chocolates and cuckoo clocks, managed to sail over and swipe the America’s Cup from right under your noses by whitewashing the ‘Black Tragic’ defense syndicate.
Your men folk are best-known for their propensity to sleep with livestock, and your womenfolk’s only claim to fame is that in backpacker destinations the world over…they are the barmaid of choice. Both genders have a congenital, vowel-related speech impediment and you tend to finish all your sentences with an interrogative preposition, eh.
You elected a chick as Prime Minister, which, historically speaking puts you on par with those terminally boring Canadians, who gaze longingly across the Great Lakes and dream of being Americans, in the same way you probably stare and drool over The Tasman and dream of being us?
Militarily, you would be incapable of knocking the froth off a cappuccino. We’d come over there and kick your butts up between your shoulder blades, except that from the looks of most of your countrymen, someone has beaten us to it.
Your country’s biggest commercial export is now furniture removalists.
Finally, your national emblem, the thing that identifies itself instantly as being uniquely representative of New Zealand, is the kiwi; a flightless bird. I’m trying to imagine something more pointless than a bird unable to fly but the only thing that springs immediately to mind is a fish that can’t swim.
OK, I feel better now that I’ve said my piece. I sincerely hope I haven’t offended any of my New Zealand friends with this rant, nor the peoples of any other countries mentioned in an unkind light, although I meant every word I said about Canada…

16 comments:

W said...

Thats okay fingers. I'm not at all upset that you hate Canuckistan.

In fact, I think it is for the best. My people would never want your kind of people figuring out how great Canada is and wanting to move there.

fingers said...

Don't be a thin-skinned zealot, Moosie.
I've got nothing against Canadia.
You don't even PLAY rugby...

actonb said...

I haven't got around to visiting NZ yet.
I personally think they should have the award for being the Littlest Country with the Best Sporting Teams. Not us - Coz we're actually quite big.

mushroom said...

dont forget the scaffolders and steel fixers bro.

W said...

Hey, you were angling for a bite, and I gave you one....

fingers said...

'I haven't got around to visiting NZ yet...'
You've only just returned from a solo trip to Melbourne, Columbus...

actonb said...

It's on the To Do list.
Along with Tasmania. But I figure they're kinda the same. And Tassie's closer...
But with extra rednecks.

fingers said...

I assume The Franklin River National Park and The Bulli Brickpit have reciprocal WHA visiting rights...

actonb said...

Actually, when you put it like that...
Who'd want to go to Tassie anyways? I've got all the loveliness right here at home. And less Rednecks.

WJ said...

actonb, just remember that it was by Tassie 'doing' Tassie that they all got their gene pools a little too much on the backwater side in the first place...

fingers said...

How did they manage to eventually breed pugs from actual dogs, Todd...

Georgia said...

Well, they found a female bull terrier and then they mixed her eggs with the sperm of Quentin Kenihan...

Ms Smack said...

Why do Maori's have a reputation for being slightly psycho?

Seriously. They do!

Anita said...

"You elected a chick as Prime Minister, which, historically speaking puts you on par with..."

Don't forget the Germans made a similar move. And as Americans we can always sling shit at the Germans for kicking their asses in WWII. And what American doesn't like a nice jab at western Europe?

Indulge me. I have to get all this out of my system before I move to Spain next year.

WJ said...

well fingers, they took short, squinting, aggressive little dogs with big mouths and lots of attitude and somehow convinced other dogs to breed with them.

Thank god that would never work with humans, eh fingers...

Mountjoy said...

We could learn a thing or two from the way the Taswegians handled the whole aboriginal issue, after all...