Monday, July 10, 2006

perhaps a parrot would look nicer...


Besides a large pile of cash, one of the things I’ve inherited from my family is a dry scalp which manifests itself as a steady, though hardly rabid case of dandruff.
I’ve never been too concerned about it; a few specks of white showing up on the shoulders whenever I wear dark clothing are hardly the end of the world. Christ…your average pillow, after more than a couple of years contains about a kilogram of dead skin cells.
So I’m always a little surprised by the reaction I get from people when they spot the telltale signs of my ‘horrifying’ condition. I’ll be standing around having a chat with someone when they start doing the dandruff mime at me; the raised eyebrow, the glancing at their own shoulder, the grimace then the flicking some imaginary pile of bird-shit off their lapel.
I’m sure they’re just trying to be helpful but it’s highly fucking insulting and totally fucking unnecessary; it makes me feel as though I haven’t washed for a month.
I mention all this because it happened to me last night at dinner; in a fucking restaurant. I was talking to a chick, an old friend as it happens, who rather than hold my gaze during the conversation, kept averting her eyes to my broad, apparently snow-capped shoulders. I knew what she was doing; she tends to do it all the time with me, so I asked her to stop. Not just in this instance but forever…
The way this chick does it, you’d swear some enormous boil had just burst and a swarm of freshly-hatched wasps had emerged from my chest cavity.
Of course she got all defensive, apologising, suggesting that she thought I’d want to know about the gigantic mound of detritus inexorably building up, threatening to cause my fall through the floorboards at any moment.
The most infuriating aspect of all this is that I’ve known this chick for billions of years; she’s a dear friend. I also happen to know that some time back in the 80s, she caught an excellent dose of herpes simplex…the socially acceptable, mostly incurable form which comes and goes, rearing its ugly snout occasionally and leaving its calling card; the cold-sores around the mouth.
And this chick gets them.
I can always tell because when she’s got one, her face is made-up like a fucking rodeo-clown's however I don’t find it necessary to bring attention to her condition; especially in public.
Anyway, since I will probably never rid my friend of her natural impulse to brush the dandruff from my collar, I have decided that the next time she does it, I am going to reach over, grab her lip between my thumb and forefinger and rub the scab, real or imaginary, right off her startled face…

13 comments:

Georgia said...

The Selsun Blue isn't working? How bad is this dandruff? I've never noticed and I'm highly observant. You could always bag it up and sell it at an outrageous profit to gullible idiots by telling them it's a very rare, high quality form of cocaine and then sit back and laugh as they snort up your dead skin cells.

fingers said...

The reason you've never noticed it is because it's hardly noticeable.
That and the fact you only come up to the height of my belly-button. pip-squeak...

actonb said...

I only have an issue with dandruff when it seriously is piled up in little snowdrifts on the shoulder.
Then it's foul and festy. Otherwise.. everyone sheds skin cells. It's part of the human condition. Like head lice.
Don't get me started on the head lice. ARGH!
And. Apparently saying "oohh X has cooties" to your own daughter is not the done thing.

fingers said...

Oh FFS...the way some people carry on, you'd swear we hapless dandruff-sufferers were running around grating ourselves onto your spag bol...

actonb said...

You do realise it's supposed to be stress-related.
But I think that's BS.

fingers said...

If that was true your body would have disassembled itself into a pile of dust by now...

Ms Smack said...

Meh, what a rude bitch. No wonder you were pissed at her.

Georgia said...

You'd enjoy it if I really did only come up to your bellybutton, Dandruff Boy...

Mex said...

youre an idiot. you say you dont care about your 'problem' and then get insulted when someone thinks you might want to know how revolting she finds your hygiene.

BEAST said...

now you know why i wear a teatowel on my head

mushroom said...

Fark, herpes is definitely more feral than a few flakes.

So if you get lower herpes does it manifets in upper herpes?

fingers said...

Wendy reckons it doesn't.
Which in no way implies she either has herpes or knows anything more about herpes than the average student of STDs...

W said...

Nicely done fingers. Just as classy as I expected.