Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Nonoxynoxynoxinol-nine please...

After extreme pressure from radical hygienists and with The Department of Health apparently about to shut down my head, I reluctantly dragged myself up to the pharmacy last night.
At 3-00am, under cover of darkness and wearing a disguise, I slipped unnoticed into the 24-hour Soul Pattinson on Oxford St to investigate the range of anti-dandruff shampoos currently available. Specifically, I was looking for something I could display in my magnificent marble/granite shower recess without dying of shame; actual dandruff-curing capability was a very secondary concern.
Not for me the ubiquitous ‘Selsun Blue’ or ‘Head and Shoulders’, both of which, despite the innocent-looking names, positively scream “I have dandruff !!!” to the entire world. I wanted one of those generic-sounding brands; the name cunningly derived from its active ingredient and giving no indication whatsoever of its actual purpose.
You know…like ‘Refloxinol’ or ‘Penazotrene’ or something…
Thrush victims with a rampantly floral dose can happily walk into a pharmacy, yell “Where’s the ‘Diflucan’ ??”, take a case of it home then put it out on the coffee table; only a passing pharmacist or fellow thrush-sufferers would be any the wiser.
Suicidal teenagers need never get the 44-gallon drum of self-loathing that used to accompany the purchase of every 200ml bottle of ‘Clearasil’; these days they can order their ‘Zenmed’, ‘Reversion’ and ‘ProActiv’ from the chemist with the same pride they normally reserve for choosing ‘Jack ‘n Coke’ at the pub.
And as for me…
A very handsome tube of ‘Nizoral’ now stands stylishly on the product-ledge in my bathroom, everything but the name expertly scratched off with a razor-blade.
Spare a thought however for the people whose lives are ravaged by crabs, because from what I could see on the shelf (and I’m not making up a fucking word of this) they are still stuck with ‘Licex’, ‘Nitmix’ and my personal favourite…’LiceBGone’…

17 comments:

mushroom said...

I had a flatmate who once found a crab in their eyebrow whilst sitting next to me on the lounge. I jumped cos i heard they can jump.

actonb said...

I thought you didn't have a problem with the dandruff?
Did you not have to sit through hours of PD classes telling you not to bow to peer pressure?

Georgia said...

Be out and proud with your dandruff. Lean your snowy head over people's desks at work and scrape the flakes onto their keyboards with a comb! Sprinkle it all over the bed instead of rose petals if you have company! Put a little sample in greeting cards! After a dinner date, refuse the mints and instead pick a flake from your head and eat it! Offer some to the lovely lady across the table...

fingers said...

Most of my peers are down at Ashley and Martin getting hair plugs.
I consider my minor flirtation with dandruff a luxury...

fingers said...

Hey Shroom, about 10 years ago, my ex-wife and I caught a dose of crabs from the bed-linen at a bungalow joint on Koh Samui.
I found the little fuckers first after one of them took a chomp on my wing-wang. Long story...but not too much in the way of 'LiceBGone' available on KS in those days, so I sat in a bath of diluted metho for 2 hours, while my ex sat there pissing herself with laughter.
Until...something bit her on the eyebrow (gee...wonder how it got up there...hehehehe...) then she was in the metho bath with me, dabbing undiluted metho on her brows with a toothbrush (by which time I was in hysterics).
Anyway, the metho didn't work; the little cunts just drank the stuff and begged for more.
We'd kill a pack of them, then the next day the eggs would hatch and we had a fresh herd on the range.
Eventually, we had to get out the razor and literally cut and run.
Everything between the knees and belly-button came off (a much more pleasant job for me to perform on her than vice-a-versa).
A total shave-down was the only eventual solution.
Not a good look for a guy, unless you're Peter North...

Ms Smack said...

hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahahhaha

and that crab story is frightening too.

Always check the seat before you sit. They'll jump on your uglies before you know it!

Oh, and shaving it all off is a bitch for the girls when it grows back. Its alright for you guys to have a scratch in public but we have to squirm delicately :)

Georgia said...

And when a guy has shaved his pubic hair off and the stubble appears, it makes for a prickly shag... I know it's supposed to make your dick look bigger but it's not going to make that much of a difference. Women will still realise you are hung like a field mouse. And men look weird with no hair down there, as if they've been prepped for some sort of hideous surgical procedure.

mushroom said...

Ahh the famed 'north pole', got that guy has some volume.....

welcome to wallyworld said...

Are you one of those people that check out the contents of other peoples bathroom cabinets? I'm not, as a rule, but I once had to find a bandaid in a hurry after cutting myself with a jigsaw and there on my (girl)friend's shelves was a complete Apothecary - "genital warts b gone", thrush treatment, crab treatment, cold sore ointment, date lube, Anti-depressants - the full horror show. I never looked at her the same way again. Never did find the bandaids.

Georgia said...

I'm more of a bookshelf snoop. You can tell a lot about people from the contents of their bookcase. If they have no books, that in itself speaks volumes. I think my bookshelf fetish comes from discovering a bookshelf at my psychotic uncle's house - books on the Third Reich, Nazi concentration camps and Stalin's Russia all grouped together and categories labelled with masking tape...

Anita said...

Even funnier to me are the herbal remedies. That shit doesn't work but people still buy it. I imagine some poor fool less $20 that still has a cold or dandruff or crabs.

But dandruff is no big deal. At least you don't have blood coming out your dickhole (Had to ressurect that one).

fingers said...

In Tokyo they had these fantastic label-making machines (???) in some of the major subway stations.
Why...I don't know.
For 1000 yen ($10) you got a roll of 100 stick-on labels of your own design.
I made up a roll of 'CUNTWASH' labels; used to take 3 or 4 to parties, then slip into the bathroom and apply them to certain products in the medicine cabinet.
I was like Zorro...leaving my filthy mark all over the place...

The Slickster said...

Mr. Fingers, you are being watched.

fingers said...

I see...well in that case, you force me to do something I didn't want to do.
I am going to have to put my pants back on...

W said...

fingers, you truly are an evil genius.

Anita said...

fingers that "CUNTWASH" story is gold. I used to have an asshole homophobic neighbor (not an asshole because of the homophobia but rather an asshole who happened to be loud about his homophobia) I fucked with in a similar fashion. I'd cut out pictures of cocks and phrases from a Playgirl and artfully tape them over food labels and photos. I would then leave products such as "Cream of ROCK HARD MANHOOD Soup" and "COCKS Ahoy cookies" (complete with naked man wearing only a sailor's cap) on his doorstep in the middle of the night so when he woke up he would have a nice suprise to start his day. I'm sure it didn't help curb his homophobia but it was fun for me.

fingers said...

Anita, it's wonderful to see the future in such good hands.
Your students are lucky to have such a grounded, sensible teacher...