Thursday, June 21, 2007

a love story...pt II...

`
So, where was I…oh yes...the funny bit…

Lady Fingers (LF) and I always used to sleep in our birthday suits.
Just as in our waking lives, for the majority of the night I was restless, disturbed and burned like the core of a nuclear reactor; she was for the most part motionless, content and colder than polar bear shit. One of her favourite nocturnal moves was to plunge an icy hand between my thighs to warm it up, which for a sleeping man, generates a surprise-coefficient similar to that of having your prostate examined with a Popsicle.
Then, a few months into our sentence/marriage, LF also developed a routine of going to the loo for a wee-wee every night. A quick 4am pit-stop, no flushing (in consideration of my light sleeping habits, no doubt) after which she would return to the bed, throw a leg over my thigh and re-attach herself to my body like a heat-seeking limpet.
At first I thought it was cute; even the tiny wet spot created during the docking manoeuvre didn’t bother me. After all, what’s a little puddle of wee-wee between friends…
Then it happened again.
And again.
And again and again and again…
Finally I’d had enough; after yet another dabbing (daubing/drubbing ??) I casually inquired, ‘Is there any fucking danger of wiping your cunt, you filthy animal ??’
LF looked at me a little stunned, eyes defocused, claiming ‘There was no toilet paper.’
‘What the fuck are you talking about; there are mountains of the stuff in there.’
‘Well I didn’t see any.’

At this point I should mention that we had two loos. One loo in the main bathroom and another tiny loo halfway down the hall, a 1.5 metre by 1 metre micro-loo with just a toilet inside.

And at this point we’ll take another break, as I know most of you have very short attention-spans...





74 comments:

Ms Smack said...

I don't understand how any woman doesn't grab tissues, or 'something' if she can't find toilet paper.

Freya Speaks said...

LMAO what did you seriously expect to attract?You only get what you pay for Fingers.

Freya Speaks said...

Well, I am here as invited. Break out the champagne( I am going to need it) but I am sure you hear that ALL the time.

fingers said...

I'll be back in a minute with the champagne, Freya.
Meanwhile, could you hop into a small glass bowl and pass yourself around to the guests...

Freya Speaks said...

You mean your guests eat from bowls?

Steph said...

What are bitchin' for? Some men pay good money to have a chick wee on them.......so I'm told *cough*

Freya Speaks said...

hahaha Steph! He didn't expect it from his blow up date though.

Freya Speaks said...

what's the matter Fingers do you have to be fed your lines ,like last time?

fingers said...

Jesus H Christ !!!
I took my eyes off the blog for a few minutes to do some work and just look at this place.
First of all, let's get something clear, Loony Tunes. This is my blog; you are welcome to take all the shots you want at me, however no shooting at my guests.
Except Donnie; it's open season on him all year round.
Now, pull down those tracky pants and get ready for a spanking, Nutbag...

Freya Speaks said...

Uhm...don't you normally have to pay for such a service?

Freya Speaks said...

Hey are you deleting my posts all ready?I seem to recall leaving a pop quiz there that I had hoped you would have answered.

fingers said...

Yes, and if you didn't charge such ridiculously high prices for your saggy old ass, you'd see alot more of my business...

fingers said...

Oh hi, Steph.
Did you get the Breville map-trimmer out last night...

Freya Speaks said...

speaking of saggy old asses........

fingers said...

Yes, I deleted your stupidly personal post. I've given you the rules, now stop being a cunt.
Every time you argue with me about it, I will kill one of your comments. Do we understand one another ??
I don't negotiate with terrorists...

Freya Speaks said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
fingers said...

OK, I'm up for it.
'speaking of saggy old asses...what'...

Let me guess.
Is your next gem something like 'speaking of terrorists'...

Freya Speaks said...
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Freya Speaks said...
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Freya Speaks said...
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fingers said...

OK, you'll notice I deleted another comment.
It was deleted for reasons of poor spelling, atrocious grammar and general hysteria.
Feel free to re-submit it with the proper corrections...

Freya Speaks said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
fingers said...

Actually, you'll notice I don't need your permission to delete anything in here.
That last deletion was just for fun...

Freya Speaks said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
fingers said...

Christ, even my dopey cats learn faster than you.
Focus on ME, Freya...

Freya Speaks said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Freya Speaks said...

You must be dopey if you do not get it IS about you.It's the warning label that she comes wiht that I was too stupid to listen to myself...when told to me from many sources and being an eye witness to it myself.

Freya Speaks said...

You are falling behind. You need to delete a few more. For your friend's sake rather than mine.
Keep up old man.

fingers said...

And just to show there's no hard feelings, I've only deleted the part where you stopped bagging me and started on my guests...

'It is cute though that the most OUTSPOKEN one in bloggyland who feels free to go to everyone else's site feels the need to delete the actual truth from his.
But I have to admit- today I have a newfound respect for you. I mean that genuinely.I am pleased for you to delete every comment I write for I view this as more than a chat so you will think before...'

fingers said...

Yes, well...as Seinfeld points out, the only warnings we take seriously are 'dry clean only'...

fingers said...

I should warn you...
The sun is about to come up in the UK, so either get back into the coffin or go draw the curtains...

Freya Speaks said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Freya Speaks said...

WEll, as stated yourloyaltry is admirable but your quelling of the truth sad given you think you are such a tough mofo...........who couldn't respond except to delete.
recall this act of friendshsipof yours in the future.
Ciao

fingers said...

Ooops...nearly missed this one...

'No, it's my preference, as stated that you delete them. I am not like her, merely pointing out that ..... Your loyalty is far more ....and how ...should be your warning....'

Freya Speaks said...

The last editted comment of yours doesn't make sense.BUt as stated those were allthings I could have said on my own blog if I wanted to.No, I have no problem with you deleting.
But maybe you should equally censor your comments on other ppl's blogs especially when your facts are screwy.
Don't shit on Crushed's blog- he works very hard on that and doesn't hide behind the delete button like you and your friend there.

Freya Speaks said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
fingers said...

Sorry but this one needs to be edited too...
All that furious typing...down the gurgler...

'So basically you are loyal to ...or that she has all these wild sexual experiences ...That's sad. Sad that ...
Sad that you are only a net character who's only function is ... THAT you can take to the bank.
I could tell by what you were saying tonight that you don't know the first genuine fact about her...THAT alone should tell you something.
I have never known anyone not to ...And that's the warnings I should have listened to....
...And so uncouth to think he has any admiration or desire for her to be there..........'

fingers said...

Is there some sort of shampoo I can use to prevent you...

fingers said...

Ahhhh...the dart must be taking effect...

Freya Speaks said...

You would look less a goof if you stuckwiht your dleting JOhnBoy rather than cleverly and stupidly try to edit to make it appear what it isn't.
Hmmmmmmmmm...maybe you are a knob jockey after all.
In any event,don't come crying to me.

fingers said...

Freya, the edited goop makes only slightly less sense that the original.
You know the rules.
Focus on me...

(Can someone sneak up behind her and hit her with the dart-gun again...)

Freya Speaks said...

That'swhy oyu are perfect lackey material..you can't tell a Heinz pickle nothing.
I rpomise not to laugh or pointand say I told you so,when the time comes.

fingers said...

Thanks. I appreciate the heads-up. You're a true friend...

mutleythedog said...

I like you both - I bet you would be great together, Mr Fingers - which country did you buy the bride from? I find that ones from Asia are a bit smelly down below but are easily convinced of the need to use loo paper...

Ms. Freya .... oh I don't know!

fingers said...

No way Mutley.
They have almost no odour; it's a dietary thing.
And there's the added bonus of small hands, which make everything look bigger...

mutleythedog said...

Maybe I've been unlucky then as Ive only had five Asian wives compared to eleven from Europe... the Russians didn't shave their armpits much, and one of them ran off with a Wolf.... bizarre but true.

Steph said...

What the shit is this? When you kids gonna stop throwing rocks and fuck already?

jungle jane said...

At least LF didn't wear socks in bed. She might have been cold, but at least she retained her dress sense in bed.

Jin said...

I'm with ms smack on this...........there is normally always another option to toilet paper. Men drip drying is natural. Wimmin dribbling is not.....ewwww!

Kylie said...

Is Freya your ex? I think she meant to pee on you on purpose dude.

electro-kevin said...

A delightful story, Fingers. Can't wait for the next installment. She sounded such a lovely woman - all cuddly and affectionate...and sharing.

fingers said...

Phew, I thought this place would have been a mess this morning.
It's lucky I had 'CUNTGUARD' on all weekend...

Steph: I'm like Jupiter (the planet, not the god). I'm the huge, gas giant whose gravitational pull attracts errant meteorites, taking the cosmological hits so that the rest of the galaxy might live. No need to thank me.

JJ: I wish she'd worn ski gloves some nights; not joking about those icy little hands of hers.

Jin: I can't imagine what your other option is but I won't be using the hand-towels at your place until I find out.

Kylie: No, although Freya IS a whack-job, like most of the exes, strangely I've never dated her.

E-K: Stay tuned...there's a twist in the tail...

Mone said...

I bet LF used the small abandoned loo. Maybe the ligth didn't work so she just couldn't see any toilett paper? I bet she told you to fix it a long time ago and it was just her way of reminding you? Hahahahaha.

fingers said...

Perhaps Mone...but it seems a little extreme.
When I wanted LF to buy milk I'd just leave her a note...

publishing said...

Man...you could have told me you were back blogging. Don't you want a Christmas present from moi this year? Cunt. BTW Byrnes stuck his head in the door a few weeks back. Seems he's having a baby - miracle of modern science. He's thinking of naming it Hornby.

BTW at least that sheila wasn't farting in your face or something. Oh that's right...they don't fart do they. And for some reason Blogger won't recognise my other blog name. Fuck "Publishing" - I"m http://www.welcometowallyworld.com - you'll find Fingers' stories under "Cunning Stunts" and "Shoot the Shit". Have a day, Malkie, Paris

mutleythedog said...

I am waiting another installment of your exciting story Mr Fingers.... something tells me that it does not have a happy ending. I wonder if you have thought of buying her some nappies ? (What you Americans call diapers)

mutleythedog said...

or incontinence pants??

jungle jane said...

I think you will find that Fingers is a Skippy not a Yank, Mutley...

fingers said...

Publishing: Fuck moi...it's my old ami, Lom-bay. How the hell are you, mate.
Methinks there is more to this sudden reappearance than meets the eye.
Coincidence that I was wandering around WelcometoWallyWorld yesterday for the first time in ages ?? I think not; you're the fucking CIA, man...

Mutley: Is it considered good form to yell out the ending of a movie in the UK...

Jane: Show us your tits...

Puss In Boots said...

Random question, but this wouldn't be the same Fingers that used to comment on Jack Marx's posts when he wrote for Radar, would it?

fingers said...

I'm flattered you remember me, Puss...but mortified that you forget I also hosted that crummy blog (with the help of some minor talents (hi Mountjoy)) for a while...

Puss In Boots said...

Did you? I must have bailed before that. I only remembered because you and I used to argue with each other a lot.

fingers said...

Really ??
That doesn't sound like me...

fingers said...

You must have been an annoying cunt...

Puss In Boots said...

Yeah, I think I used to purposefully bait you because you gave such amusing responses. I'd tell you the name I used to jog your memory, but I can't recall it now. I've changed internet personas too many times since then.

Strange to run into you again, though. You still amuse me greatly.

fingers said...

So, you purposely baited me and have multiple personalities ??
You sound like a level-headed bunch of people.
Have you met Freya...

Puss In Boots said...

Hahaha. I don't have multiple personalities. Just used a new name when I went somewhere else. Same person though. I just don't think it's safe to leave a running trail all over the internet.

It was more play fighting than anything really serious. I like to think I didn't antagonise you too much, and that your responses were more playful in nature, as was my baiting, but I'm probably kidding myself in that respect. I was probably really pissing you off and just thought I wasn't.

electro-kevin said...

What do you prefer, Fingers - snog or fuck ?

I'm discussing it on my blog if you want to garner us with your erudite opinion.

it's the little things... said...

There are worse things to leave on one's leg in the middle of the night, no?

Steph said...

Ah Fingers, It's nice to see you make friends where ever you go. Bless.

RAFFI said...

isn't love grand... wet spots, cold rectal examinations, constant bitchin... love: exciting and new!

fingers said...

'What do you prefer, Fingers - snog or fuck ?'
E-K: I appreciate the offer however I'm currently stalking someone else.

Little Things: I'm sure there are worse things but that's hardly the yardstick I use.

Steph: I haven't thanked you for sending all these lovely new people my way. That should tell you something...

Raffi: If only a man could have more than one wife, eh...

Kunstemæcker said...

first of all, get a chatroom. Second:
ROFLOL @ "One of her favourite nocturnal moves was to plunge an icy hand between my thighs to warm it up, which for a sleeping man, generates a surprise-coefficient similar to that of having your prostate examined with a Popsicle."

Very good stuff!!

Christie said...

I don't care when it is, I will yell for my hubby to bring me some damn toilet paper,since it is usually his fault there isn't any in the first place. Why do men require half a roll of toilet paper to wipe their asses?