Thursday, June 28, 2007

a love story...the end...

The next night, as had become her habit, LF rose from the bed at precisely 4 am, waking me in the process and poodled off to the loo. That afternoon, I’d purchased six-dozen rolls of toilet paper, half of which I’d stacked along one wall of the micro-loo, the other half of which I’d placed in the bathtub next to the loo in the main bathroom.
So, I sat in bed and waited for LF’s return, mentally just daring her to come back with a set of wet curtains and drape them across my thigh.
After ten minutes there was still no sign of her…
Now feeling like a tinkle myself, I slid out of bed and headed off down the hallway to the micro-loo, which I found to be unoccupied. On completion of my urinal duties, I decided to visit the main bathroom and see whether LF was alright. Amazingly, she wasn’t in there either; the rest of the apartment appeared to be in darkness too.
Puzzled, I went into the lounge room; more darkness.
It was then I noticed a faint glow coming from the kitchen…
Figuring LF was making herself a snack, I crossed the lounge floor and entered the kitchen, where to my utter disbelief I found my wife having a pee in the fridge.
Now, I’m well aware of the joke with the similar theme, however this was NO JOKE !!! There before me was the love of my life, stark naked, semi-squatting, her lovely bum thrust through the wide-open fridge door…taking a piss on the vegetable draws.
‘What the fuck are you doing, darling ??’ I asked…more than a little shocked.
‘What does it look like ??’ she replied, completely unfazed.
‘It looks like you’re pissing in the fridge,’ I continued, trying to remain calm.
‘There’s no toilet paper again,’ she informed me, glassy-eyed, unmoved.
‘I see. I’ll just go and get some then.’
‘Thanks…and can you please close the door.’
‘What door…there is no door on the kitchen, darling.’
‘Well just don’t close it or the light will go off.’
‘OK, I’ll just get you that toilet paper now.’
‘Thank you’…

At this point three things became clear:
1. My wife was a sleep-walker.
2. The slightly discoloured liquid I had been removing from the drip-tray under the vegetable drawers with a wettex for the past two weeks…was not quite as harmless as I’d previously thought.
3. I was not going to make myself a salad sandwich.

There is no moral to this story; there is certainly no happy ending to it either. Throughout the remainder of our marriage LF continued to walk in her sleep and piss in our fridge.
Ultimately, it was she who left me, which gives you some insight into what kind of special cunt I must be.
I’ve always wanted to get this off my chest; if only to provide an answer to that age-old question, ‘Fingers…why is there toilet paper next to the milk on your fridge door’…

54 comments:

surfercam said...

Oh Fingers!
That is the funniest story I have heard in a bloody long time.
Fucking hilarious!
I'll be printing that out and posting it on my own fridge.
Glad to see you are back blogging too.

BS said...

thanks fingers, just took 5 minutes to clean the coffee out of the keyboard again...

first question did you ever tell her?
second if you did tell her did she believe you?
third and last
why did you stay?

phishez_rule said...

Ewww. I have to ask though - why were you wiping it up for only two weeks?

jungle jane said...

I don't see the problem. Everyone knows you should wash your veggies before you eat them. And you certainly don't want to use water to wash them - fish fuck in water. Ewwwww.

Kelly said...

LMAO! That was a very needed grand laugh! That is funny. I also want to know what she had to say about it! Holy crap! Strap her to the bed or something... oh...wait...that might be just as bad for you... eww

Steph said...

She left you because you were having a shit in the oven. Tell the truth! That wasn't a shriveled roast beef in there, it was a massive, baked TURD.

You were the perfect match! If only you had learned to pee in the microwave to make her feel at home.
Idiot!

Gnat of Glass said...

Christ.Classic.


Gnat.
.

Jin said...

Oh fingers, you have got to be taking the piss here.........no ways is this story true, but admittedly, you do have a great way of telling stories!

The Ego said...

Yeah,I would piss all over your food too...but directly on the plate.

Mountjoy said...

Fucking classic, my friend.

I bet your "vinaigrette dressing" was never the same after she left.

Makes you wonder what an incontinent old fool The Colonel is to get his "11 secret herbs and spices" at KFC...

mutleythedog said...

Man that was totally unexpected!! I don't you are cunt though- just cuz she left you...

Ms Smack said...

oh, thats BRILLIANT ! hahahahaha

You're a special cunt, aren't ya? eh? lol

it's the little things... said...

What better way to clean the little bugs off the lettuce?

Yoffi said...

Oh the EEEWWWWW the EEEWWWW!

How horrible for you!

ANd yes I agree, you are an idiot if you let her leave you!

Gledwood said...

who is that... sarah jessica parker or madonnas ugly sister... i can never tell which

Gledwood said...

who is that... sarah jessica parker or madonnas ugly sister... i can never tell which

Malcolm Lambe said...

Mate, you were a bit harsh on her. At least she wasn't taking a dump in your Frigidaire. You've never got over that sheila have you.

electro-kevin said...

Fuck me ! I just did the same as bs. I need to clean the coffee of of my keyboard.

Her name wasn't Bridget was it ?

Fridgid Bridget has a ring to it.

fingers said...

Fuck me...where did you lot come from ??
surfydude: My marriage brought me many laughs too over the 800 years it lasted.

bs: who the hell are you ?

phishez: Um...coz she had only been weeing in the fridge for a couple of weeks. Duh.

jj: never mind my problems...what's going on over at the jungle ?

kelly: Actually, there is an epilogue to this charming story, however I think I've taken enough of the piss for now.

steph: This is all your fault. It's like a flash-crowd in here today.

gnat: Yeah, what's the point of subjecting yourself to marriage unless your friends get a laugh out of it.

jin: A friend of mine always says this stuff happens to me because I have a gift for retelling the story. Sometimes I think it'd be better to simply return the gift.

ego: How's that 'people skills' course working out for you.

mountjoy: Thanks mate. Now you can see why I had to delete you earlier.

mutley: Gosh, that gives me something to cling to.

smack: Enough of the 'lol's...more insightful comments, slacker.

littlethings: Call me old-fashioned but I usually just take my lettuce in the shower to do that.

yoffi: I didn't realise she had left me for about 4 weeks. I just thought she'd gone for a longer walk.

gledwood: No, that's actually my ex-wife.

lom-bay: You're right mate. But then I have never got over any of them. I'm just a hopeless romantic cunt at heart.

fingers said...

E-K: Oh right...coz of the fridge.
Tricky stuff, comedy...

Lad Litter said...

Your wife's somnambulism isn't nearly as weird as a guy who posts pix of SJP when the web must have so many images of attractive women. As I said myself of S&TC, "One's just okay, two are as plain as a mashed potato sandwich and the last one's just downright ugly." You decide.

fingers said...

Well, the whole point of the S-JP pics was that my ex WAS almost identical to her.
I'd have used pics of my ex but:
1. That's not cool.
2. I never got them back from the voodoo hut...

Tom Gaylord said...

FINGERS! RU SERIOUS ABOUT THE SLEEPWALKING?

have i got a story for you....

im a chronic sleepwalker and i am in big trouble over it recently..... hee hee long story, ill share sometime!

fingers said...

Well Tom, I'd certainly prefer to believe she was a sleepwalker, rather than a malicious, dirty little fridge-wetting whorebag...

phishez_rule said...

That you know of.

fingers said...

Same with your cats.
Take care tonight...

Lad Litter said...

Um, hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about SJP being ugly...

fingers said...

Are you a 'Get Smart' fan...

Mone said...

Wow, what a funny story. With a wife looking that hot you better keep your cool.

Malcolm Lambe said...

Seeing as though you're a "hopeless romantic cunt" I thought I'd send you a picture of your squeeze Paris - http://www.onemorelevel.com/warp-paris.php you can have some fun with. We should run a competition. I'll start shall I? I've put the piccie here - Paris (This Blogger shit Hyperlinks doesn't it?)

BTW I still get a lot of cunts coming to check out "Shoot the Shit" and your excellent stories under "Cunning Stunts" on Wallyworld.

fingers said...

Then how come I'm not receiving the royalties anymore, you tight-assed bastard...

surfercam said...

Fingers me old mate, you need to post more about your Ex. I've never laughed so hard!
MORE! MORE! MORE!

WJ said...

Holy crap fingers, where do you find these blog Stukas?

And yes, I know that at least you have some, and I don't, but is that really the point? It is, oh, ok then.

Could Mal be any less subtle in trawling for a bit of traffic based on 12 months old banter?

it's the little things... said...

Can I come by your place and borrow some toilet paper?!

fingers said...

Surfydude: My ex is gourmet blog-fodder. Too much, too soon and you'll be ill.

WJ: There's room on my coat-tails for everyone. Even you.

LT: Be my guest. Bring a spool though, as all my TP gets strewn through the apartment by my adorable Bengals while I'm out working to buy them smoked salmon. Better still, just take the Bengals; they are quite soft and poo doesn't stick to their fur...

it's the little things... said...

Forget the Bengals, I want the salmon!

fingers said...

Take it up with the Bengals when you arrive. They're the stripey furballs, covered in toilet paper, carrying the bagels...

it's the little things... said...

Do they bite when you wipe your ass on them?

fingers said...

I just stuff their mouths full of TP beforehand...

it's the little things... said...

Now there's an...image.

Steph said...

Speaking of royalties, where's mine? Look at the traffic I gave you!!

Bastard. I'm going back to Bimboworld. cheers!!!

fingers said...

Oh good, you found your link, Steph.
I don't think money could ever adequately express my gratitude for the exposure you've given me.
I've got a special surprise for you...

mutleythedog said...

What about me? I need some exposure... I do I do!!

fingers said...

No, you're a bad dog...

Steph said...

A special surpise? Considering it's coming from you, I'm very worried!!

*cries* Oh noes! My mum always warned me about poking dogs with sticks. I'll never learn! Waaaaaaahhhhh!

fingers said...

As if I'd hurt you, my little angel...
Now, about your blog.
MAAS...you remember that one ??
Your last two posts have amounted to a rude fruit-platter and a hyperlink to The Tache.
The fact that it still gets more readers than all my posts together aside...this fan wants to know if you're in the process of selling out entirely.
Have you become blogging's equivalent of Lote Tuquiri...

Steph said...

Maybe I'm weaning myself off this whole blog hooha? Ohh eerrr! Imagine that!

I'm finding I don't have as much time as I used to, and quite frankly, the amount of people reading me is freaking me THE FUCK OUT!!

The pressure is killing me! I'm burning out, wah, wah, noboby cares, whatever.

Send Vodka. I'll set up the IV drip.

fingers said...

You were too young.
You got caught in the glare.
Your public adored you and now they demand more; you've created a rod for you own back.
My public hate me, so I can blog whenever the fuck I like and the cunts just have to suck it...

Steph said...

Haaaaaahahahaha! I love/hate you in equal measures. We should get married. I promise I won't piss in your fridge.

fingers said...

Sounds excellent.
I'll have the cats euthanased immediately.
When shall I expect you...

Steph said...

Just as soon as I get this catheter inserted. I would hate to have an accident in the middle of the night.

it's the little things... said...

Oh, you two kill me.

Speaking of posts, when are we going to get another one here?

The decipheration of dating terminology was interesting. Perhaps you can continue with the real dates and discuss the conversations and body language? (Except Steph is off-limits.) Reading dating from your perspective would be rather...amusing.

Now that I've found this wit, I want MORE!

fingers said...

Steph: No need for a tube; you'd look so cute in a big, adult Huggie.

LT: It's a bit hit and miss here at times with resepct to regular postings. While you're waiting for some real wit, please enjoy many of the half-wits on offer at TWG. We also have a resident fuckwit; hi 'Ego'...

Tha said...

class act.....hurt my stomach lafin...