So, where was I…oh yes...the funny bit…
Lady Fingers (LF) and I always used to sleep in our birthday suits.
Just as in our waking lives, for the majority of the night I was restless, disturbed and burned like the core of a nuclear reactor; she was for the most part motionless, content and colder than polar bear shit. One of her favourite nocturnal moves was to plunge an icy hand between my thighs to warm it up, which for a sleeping man, generates a surprise-coefficient similar to that of having your prostate examined with a Popsicle.
Then, a few months into our sentence/marriage, LF also developed a routine of going to the loo for a wee-wee every night. A quick 4am pit-stop, no flushing (in consideration of my light sleeping habits, no doubt) after which she would return to the bed, throw a leg over my thigh and re-attach herself to my body like a heat-seeking limpet.
At first I thought it was cute; even the tiny wet spot created during the docking manoeuvre didn’t bother me. After all, what’s a little puddle of wee-wee between friends…
Then it happened again.
And again.
And again and again and again…
Finally I’d had enough; after yet another dabbing (daubing/drubbing ??) I casually inquired, ‘Is there any fucking danger of wiping your cunt, you filthy animal ??’
LF looked at me a little stunned, eyes defocused, claiming ‘There was no toilet paper.’
‘What the fuck are you talking about; there are mountains of the stuff in there.’
‘Well I didn’t see any.’
At this point I should mention that we had two loos. One loo in the main bathroom and another tiny loo halfway down the hall, a 1.5 metre by 1 metre micro-loo with just a toilet inside.
And at this point we’ll take another break, as I know most of you have very short attention-spans...
67 comments:
I don't understand how any woman doesn't grab tissues, or 'something' if she can't find toilet paper.
LMAO what did you seriously expect to attract?You only get what you pay for Fingers.
Well, I am here as invited. Break out the champagne( I am going to need it) but I am sure you hear that ALL the time.
I'll be back in a minute with the champagne, Freya.
Meanwhile, could you hop into a small glass bowl and pass yourself around to the guests...
You mean your guests eat from bowls?
What are bitchin' for? Some men pay good money to have a chick wee on them.......so I'm told *cough*
hahaha Steph! He didn't expect it from his blow up date though.
what's the matter Fingers do you have to be fed your lines ,like last time?
Jesus H Christ !!!
I took my eyes off the blog for a few minutes to do some work and just look at this place.
First of all, let's get something clear, Loony Tunes. This is my blog; you are welcome to take all the shots you want at me, however no shooting at my guests.
Except Donnie; it's open season on him all year round.
Now, pull down those tracky pants and get ready for a spanking, Nutbag...
Uhm...don't you normally have to pay for such a service?
Hey are you deleting my posts all ready?I seem to recall leaving a pop quiz there that I had hoped you would have answered.
Oh hi, Steph.
Did you get the Breville map-trimmer out last night...
OK, I'm up for it.
'speaking of saggy old asses...what'...
Let me guess.
Is your next gem something like 'speaking of terrorists'...
OK, you'll notice I deleted another comment.
It was deleted for reasons of poor spelling, atrocious grammar and general hysteria.
Feel free to re-submit it with the proper corrections...
Actually, you'll notice I don't need your permission to delete anything in here.
That last deletion was just for fun...
Christ, even my dopey cats learn faster than you.
Focus on ME, Freya...
You must be dopey if you do not get it IS about you.It's the warning label that she comes wiht that I was too stupid to listen to myself...when told to me from many sources and being an eye witness to it myself.
You are falling behind. You need to delete a few more. For your friend's sake rather than mine.
Keep up old man.
And just to show there's no hard feelings, I've only deleted the part where you stopped bagging me and started on my guests...
'It is cute though that the most OUTSPOKEN one in bloggyland who feels free to go to everyone else's site feels the need to delete the actual truth from his.
But I have to admit- today I have a newfound respect for you. I mean that genuinely.I am pleased for you to delete every comment I write for I view this as more than a chat so you will think before...'
Yes, well...as Seinfeld points out, the only warnings we take seriously are 'dry clean only'...
I should warn you...
The sun is about to come up in the UK, so either get back into the coffin or go draw the curtains...
WEll, as stated yourloyaltry is admirable but your quelling of the truth sad given you think you are such a tough mofo...........who couldn't respond except to delete.
recall this act of friendshsipof yours in the future.
Ciao
Ooops...nearly missed this one...
'No, it's my preference, as stated that you delete them. I am not like her, merely pointing out that ..... Your loyalty is far more ....and how ...should be your warning....'
The last editted comment of yours doesn't make sense.BUt as stated those were allthings I could have said on my own blog if I wanted to.No, I have no problem with you deleting.
But maybe you should equally censor your comments on other ppl's blogs especially when your facts are screwy.
Don't shit on Crushed's blog- he works very hard on that and doesn't hide behind the delete button like you and your friend there.
Sorry but this one needs to be edited too...
All that furious typing...down the gurgler...
'So basically you are loyal to ...or that she has all these wild sexual experiences ...That's sad. Sad that ...
Sad that you are only a net character who's only function is ... THAT you can take to the bank.
I could tell by what you were saying tonight that you don't know the first genuine fact about her...THAT alone should tell you something.
I have never known anyone not to ...And that's the warnings I should have listened to....
...And so uncouth to think he has any admiration or desire for her to be there..........'
Is there some sort of shampoo I can use to prevent you...
Ahhhh...the dart must be taking effect...
You would look less a goof if you stuckwiht your dleting JOhnBoy rather than cleverly and stupidly try to edit to make it appear what it isn't.
Hmmmmmmmmm...maybe you are a knob jockey after all.
In any event,don't come crying to me.
Freya, the edited goop makes only slightly less sense that the original.
You know the rules.
Focus on me...
(Can someone sneak up behind her and hit her with the dart-gun again...)
That'swhy oyu are perfect lackey material..you can't tell a Heinz pickle nothing.
I rpomise not to laugh or pointand say I told you so,when the time comes.
Thanks. I appreciate the heads-up. You're a true friend...
I like you both - I bet you would be great together, Mr Fingers - which country did you buy the bride from? I find that ones from Asia are a bit smelly down below but are easily convinced of the need to use loo paper...
Ms. Freya .... oh I don't know!
No way Mutley.
They have almost no odour; it's a dietary thing.
And there's the added bonus of small hands, which make everything look bigger...
Maybe I've been unlucky then as Ive only had five Asian wives compared to eleven from Europe... the Russians didn't shave their armpits much, and one of them ran off with a Wolf.... bizarre but true.
At least LF didn't wear socks in bed. She might have been cold, but at least she retained her dress sense in bed.
I'm with ms smack on this...........there is normally always another option to toilet paper. Men drip drying is natural. Wimmin dribbling is not.....ewwww!
Is Freya your ex? I think she meant to pee on you on purpose dude.
A delightful story, Fingers. Can't wait for the next installment. She sounded such a lovely woman - all cuddly and affectionate...and sharing.
Phew, I thought this place would have been a mess this morning.
It's lucky I had 'CUNTGUARD' on all weekend...
Steph: I'm like Jupiter (the planet, not the god). I'm the huge, gas giant whose gravitational pull attracts errant meteorites, taking the cosmological hits so that the rest of the galaxy might live. No need to thank me.
JJ: I wish she'd worn ski gloves some nights; not joking about those icy little hands of hers.
Jin: I can't imagine what your other option is but I won't be using the hand-towels at your place until I find out.
Kylie: No, although Freya IS a whack-job, like most of the exes, strangely I've never dated her.
E-K: Stay tuned...there's a twist in the tail...
I bet LF used the small abandoned loo. Maybe the ligth didn't work so she just couldn't see any toilett paper? I bet she told you to fix it a long time ago and it was just her way of reminding you? Hahahahaha.
Perhaps Mone...but it seems a little extreme.
When I wanted LF to buy milk I'd just leave her a note...
Man...you could have told me you were back blogging. Don't you want a Christmas present from moi this year? Cunt. BTW Byrnes stuck his head in the door a few weeks back. Seems he's having a baby - miracle of modern science. He's thinking of naming it Hornby.
BTW at least that sheila wasn't farting in your face or something. Oh that's right...they don't fart do they. And for some reason Blogger won't recognise my other blog name. Fuck "Publishing" - I"m http://www.welcometowallyworld.com - you'll find Fingers' stories under "Cunning Stunts" and "Shoot the Shit". Have a day, Malkie, Paris
I am waiting another installment of your exciting story Mr Fingers.... something tells me that it does not have a happy ending. I wonder if you have thought of buying her some nappies ? (What you Americans call diapers)
or incontinence pants??
I think you will find that Fingers is a Skippy not a Yank, Mutley...
Publishing: Fuck moi...it's my old ami, Lom-bay. How the hell are you, mate.
Methinks there is more to this sudden reappearance than meets the eye.
Coincidence that I was wandering around WelcometoWallyWorld yesterday for the first time in ages ?? I think not; you're the fucking CIA, man...
Mutley: Is it considered good form to yell out the ending of a movie in the UK...
Jane: Show us your tits...
Random question, but this wouldn't be the same Fingers that used to comment on Jack Marx's posts when he wrote for Radar, would it?
I'm flattered you remember me, Puss...but mortified that you forget I also hosted that crummy blog (with the help of some minor talents (hi Mountjoy)) for a while...
Did you? I must have bailed before that. I only remembered because you and I used to argue with each other a lot.
Yeah, I think I used to purposefully bait you because you gave such amusing responses. I'd tell you the name I used to jog your memory, but I can't recall it now. I've changed internet personas too many times since then.
Strange to run into you again, though. You still amuse me greatly.
So, you purposely baited me and have multiple personalities ??
You sound like a level-headed bunch of people.
Have you met Freya...
Hahaha. I don't have multiple personalities. Just used a new name when I went somewhere else. Same person though. I just don't think it's safe to leave a running trail all over the internet.
It was more play fighting than anything really serious. I like to think I didn't antagonise you too much, and that your responses were more playful in nature, as was my baiting, but I'm probably kidding myself in that respect. I was probably really pissing you off and just thought I wasn't.
What do you prefer, Fingers - snog or fuck ?
I'm discussing it on my blog if you want to garner us with your erudite opinion.
There are worse things to leave on one's leg in the middle of the night, no?
Ah Fingers, It's nice to see you make friends where ever you go. Bless.
isn't love grand... wet spots, cold rectal examinations, constant bitchin... love: exciting and new!
'What do you prefer, Fingers - snog or fuck ?'
E-K: I appreciate the offer however I'm currently stalking someone else.
Little Things: I'm sure there are worse things but that's hardly the yardstick I use.
Steph: I haven't thanked you for sending all these lovely new people my way. That should tell you something...
Raffi: If only a man could have more than one wife, eh...
first of all, get a chatroom. Second:
ROFLOL @ "One of her favourite nocturnal moves was to plunge an icy hand between my thighs to warm it up, which for a sleeping man, generates a surprise-coefficient similar to that of having your prostate examined with a Popsicle."
Very good stuff!!
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