Friday, August 31, 2007

don't say you weren't warned...


The unseasonally warm weather this week produced a plague of unwanted vermin in Cunt Point. As part of a community service announcement, but mostly coz I'm a lazy fucker, I exhumed this piece which appeared in RADAR last year.

City-bound motorists using the Kings Cross Tunnel at 7:15 am today were treated to a very unusual sight. In the breakdown lane they would have noticed Sydney’s coolest Vespa parked on its stand. Right next to it was Sydney’s un-coolest Vespa rider, suit pants around his ankles, peering anxiously into his underwear.
Let me explain. I was scootering to work this morning, having just accelerated smoothly up the hill from Rushcutters Bay, when I felt something stirring in the vicinity of my upper left thigh.
Figuring it was just the wind playing tricks, I scootered on... until it happened again. I reduced speed to see what effect it had on matters. It had none; in fact the 'wind' was now beginning to move across to my upper right thigh.
As I entered the tunnel I suddenly realised there was an intruder in the ‘house’, panicked and started belting myself in the upper thigh region with my left hand in an attempt to kill whatever it was, whilst still guiding the scooter (at about 60kph) with my right hand.
Inevitably, I succeeded in simply giving myself a decent whack in the genitals, which winded me, made my eyes water and forced me to pull over to the side of the road.
Jumping off the Vespa, I yanked down my suit pants, hooked both thumbs into my Calvins, drew them gently away from my torso and peered fearfully inside (which is the overall sight any passing motorists would have been afforded). Out flew a moth with a 10-foot wingspan.
The moral of this story: Never hang your damp underwear on the line overnight during Bogong season...

18 comments:

Miss Smack said...

MHaaaaaaaaaahahahahah

I am SO writing to Sydney Newspapers asking for pictures from people in peak hour traffic who SAW YOU with your pants down, doing some sort of slapping dance like a german sausage eater :)

Kitty said...

I resent being referred to as vermin, Fingers. Really. I would expect a little more from a cat enthusiast.

Gnat of Glass said...

Jesus, I think I laughed so hard I spotted myself.


Gnat.
.

Kelly said...

I thought old men like you wore depends... not Calvins...

I am pretty sure you are like that mom with a VW beetle... just trying to be young again. Poser.

OneHungMan said...

You've got to watch out for those Chernobyl Moths.

phishez_rule said...

The unseasonally warm weather this week produced a plague of unwanted vermin in Cunt Point.

So thats what you've named your Johnson!

Bet it wasn't a moth either. Bet you picked up flying crabs from one of the massage girls in HK!

Josh said...

I have to say this sounds more like you are preparing a bit of fiction for an upcoming court appearance after being caught in the Cross doing a bit of tranny whoring...

Business must not be good if you have or need moth balls.

Laughing Boy said...

on several occasions i've been the butt of unfunny and utterly tasteless jokes about moths coming out of my wallet...can't say i've had one about moths coming out of my pants though.

Betty Boob Hug said...

HAHA! I'd pay money to see that happen.

You little vespa riding genital swatting nancy pantsie. :)

p.s the poor moth!!

Steph said...

Phew! I thought you were going to tell us it was nutsack lice making their way across your thighs.

I'm sure your little incident has been caught on security footage of some sort, I wonder if it will end up on YouTube?

electro-kevin said...

Aren't you supposed to have flies in your pants ?


(Flies, zip, zipper - same thing)


Good to have you back, Fingers. Profitable trip I hope - unless you're a narcotics dealer.

fingers said...

Smacky: It was actually in Oct 05 according to the old RADAR archives. It was when there was a few of us attempting to keep the old Jack marx Live column alive after he did the runner.

Kitty: Silly girl. As if I'd have a problem with you crawling around in my Calvins.

Gnat: You'd have loved the live show then.

Kelly: What are 'depends', what fucking mom and what fucking VW. Apart from that I loved the comment.

OH: Better than a caterpillar I suppose.

Phish: Great gag, Groucho. Except the post was a flashback. Remember.

Josh: I'd rather have moth balls than a bee's dick, Bumble Brain.

LB: Yeah someone had to do that gag. Well done for taking one for the team.

BBH: This year the Calvins get a tumble in the dryer before I even put them on. That should fuck those moths up some.

Steph: No CCTV but when I got to work one of my clients plugged in and said 'Fingers, was that you in the KX tunnel looking at your dick.'

EK: No profit whatsover...and now I'm morally bankrupt too...

Lad Litter said...

Vespa is Italian for wasp. Now that would have made an interesting trouser companion!

Kitty said...

kelly- Aren't Depends like nappies for adults who old and piss themselves? If so - SHADDUP!!! don't be mean to my e-boyfriend!!! He is old, fair enough, he is not THAT old.

fingers said...

Yeah, Kelly, watch out or I'll sick my guard-cat on your ass...

Kelly said...

Kitty- it is ok... he likes the pain...


so i hear anyway...


*gag*

Jin said...

And there's me thinking you were well 'ard............
You should check out Spain fingers - plenty of Vespa's there.

Miss Smack said...

guard cat? haaa