Tuesday, August 14, 2007

five things...but more to come...


Five things I’ve discovered reading some of the splendid blogs being hosted by The Girls of the Internet:
1) On average they each consider themselves to be 50kg overweight (whether they are or not).
2) On average they spend 22 hours a day blogging, presumably with a doughnut in one hand while they type with the other.
3) On average 97% of their blogging involves moaning about their weight, describing the doughnut they’re currently eating, whining about exes and carping on about the lack of available men to date.
4) On average they haven’t had sex for 12 years, although if you discount the numbers for ‘Steph’, the average drops down below 10.
5) On average, they all believe 1, 2 and 3 have no bearing on 4, which can apparently be explained by that age-old idiom, ‘All boys are stooopid…’

Right…who’s first…

72 comments:

WJ said...

heh, I am just getting in first to give you the oppportunity to make the obvious gag about me being a girl, or at least to thereby prevent you from making that joke because it IS predictable.

Have noticed some of what you refer to though fingers. Don't think that sort of thing is restricted to our blogging friends, they are just putting it down for all to see.

Steph does that too, but she does it with her cleavage as well as her innermost thoughts (or maybe her outermost ones)...

fingers said...

WJ: For ruining the obvious gag, you incur a 2-post increase to your suspension then. Furhtermore, since I only reviewed the blogs, rather that their private, general conversation topics, your second point is irrelevant. That's an extra 1-post. Lastly, Steph does nothing of the sort: I simply included her for the purpose of making a gag, plonker. That'll be another 2-posts...

Malcolm Lambe said...

I Googled "The Whine Guide" to come here. Left a comment on your last post.

Kitty said...

1. I am not 50 kilos over, just 10

2. I do not blog 22 hours a day, just 1 or 2 (I READ SLOW)

3. I do moan about my weight, i don't eat doughnuts, i don't whine about exes (THAT much) and i have to carry a stick around to beat off all the hot men

4. I was fucked this morning thank you very much

5. All boys ARE stooopid

6. I have lesbian sex and I like men to watch

phishez_rule said...

1) I've been losing weight. I'm only 20kg overweight.

2) I don't spend 22 hours a day blogging. That would interfere with my masturbation time.

3) I also blog about my masturbation habit, my cats and my breasts.

4) Well, I'm below average that way.

5) I don't believe boys are stoopid. I believe men are cunts.

Kitty said...

Phish! Men aren't cunts! They just act that way.

Kitty said...

Me and Phish are similar in that we like to fiddle with our girly pink bits. I am chronic and it is starting to interfere with getting the housework done.

it's the little things... said...

Are you saying there's a problem?

And you wouldn't catch a donut in my mouth, FYI.

Steph said...

Fingers you botched abortion! Show me ONE post where I have made reference to wanting to lose weight. I am quite happy thankyouverymuch, and the only reason I haven't had sex with a man or woman is because I'm taking a break from all the crap that goes with it.
It's not like I don't get offers......unlike you. :P

P.S I loathe donuts.

Kelly said...

I fear this post is about me... You forgot medical issues! I bitch about that too!!

But I accept it is me and move on... :-)

Do you have doughnut? I accept cake and pie as well.

But in the effort to make convo lets look at your blog shall we...?
hmmmmm

1. Denial of having a porn 'problem'. I only call it a 'problem' because you have DVDs of old women gettin it on. that is a problem! Although they would be your age... I am conflicted.

2. Denial of being in a long term relationship with WJ, as well as being old.

3. Denial of how lame you look on that Vespa. (this probably comes with age, so I will let it slide)


ok... must get back to work.. pfft! just kidding! I do see a denial pattern happening though.

Kitty said...

Aaaaahahahahahahah, Kelly! I larf.

jungle jane said...

I am totally fucking lost as usual.

*Lights up a cone hoping that will help*

fingers said...

Well, well, well...look what drifted into the net overnight; The Usual Suspects.

Lombay: That was MY house, you cunt. And they weren't Alsatians, they were german Shepherds. You can tell the difference because they were wearing monocles.

Kitty: You're welcome for the fucking. I thought we weren't going to tell anyone.

Phishez: What even makes you think you were part of the research group ?? You're busted, Doughnut Girl.

LT: I wouldn't be trying to catch a doughnut in your mouth. I'm sure there are better uses for it.

Steph: You illiterate pap smear. Read the following sentence and tell me what it means.
'Lastly, Steph does nothing of the sort: I simply included her for the purpose of making a gag, plonker.'
I think all the flange-pressure is affecting your comprehension skills.

Kelly: I forgive you, Angel. It must be terribly difficult having such a hot-looking sister.

JJ: Pack one for me too. Do you see the cabbages I have to work with...

WJ said...

Think you missed my point re Steph, fingers. It was actually a play on 'putting it down for all to see' and referencing her boobs.

Not my best material but I don't want to waste that. You are so terribly unappreciative...

fingers said...

WJ: For using your 2nd-rate material on my excellent blog you incur a further 3-post suspension...

surfercam said...

Where do we meet these girls???

fingers said...

Surfy: Perhaps try camping outside a 'Krispy Kreme' shop and ambush them on the opening...

Steph said...

No, I got it. I just wanted an excuse to call you a botched abortion.

Illiterate papsmear? Good Christ! I think I'm gonna impose a four post suspension on YOUR wrinkled arse.
When you can show me a papsmear that can read and write, I'll forgive you.

Kitty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kitty said...

Fingers - I love a good Finger Fuck and I just have to shout it out to the whole wide world.

My semi nekkid doughnut dodging body is on display right now. Something to laugh at and make fun of - QUICK.

Josh said...

I swear there was not a bite missing from that doughnut picture when I first read this post last night...

There is a lot of denial from the ladies about lovin the doughnut, but the evidence is there...someone is eating it.

fingers said...

Steph: Don't think you'll be getting any special treatment from me, baby. For wasting my time with spurious comments, calling me names in an unnecessary fashion and threatening to suspend me for unsubstantiated crimes, I am banning WJ for a further 5-posts.

Kitty: Yes, I can see it through my telescope. You have a nice-looking doughnut. What's that frosting made of...

unique_stephen said...

Now Kitty - recently on another post, I think at the captains, but I'm not sure, you said that you had just had some limitations put on your fornicating rights but your still getting morning sex.

Please explain.

Kitty said...

its man custard, you know that fingers.

Kitty said...

unique stephen - i didn't have a heart attack, so i can root again.

wavey davey lets me shag girls, so that is why me and Fingers have been rubbing chuffs. he is a hot bitch.

it's the little things... said...

Boy, it is steaming in here. And I'm NOT referring to the donut fryer...

fingers said...

Josh: It was the same with the pies. Someone ate them all.

Stephen: No side-chatting here. Either insult someone or fuck off.

Kitty: Did you just put an eclaire into your doughnut, you calorie pig ??

LT; Boy it's a laugh-a-rama in here. And I'm not referring to your last comment..:)

Kitty said...

If anyone is interested in what happens to a man (in this instance Fingers), when he calls Kitty a Calorie Whore please come and have a little look...

fingers said...

Kitty: It's time to let The Big Dog eat, baby...

Kitty said...

*ready*

Betty Boob Hug said...

Holy toledo batman, I think this boy is onto something!

Lucky for me I'm not anything like those dysfunctional twits you described.

Hey!?

fingers said...

Kitty: Why would I do it when you were ready ?? I'm not looking to catch you as you jump from a tree. I'm looking to flambe you when you least expect it, dumbass.

Betty: No, you WERE one of the bloggers I was referring to...:)

fingers said...

If anyone is interested in what happens to a cat (in this instance Kitty), when she tries to scratch The Big Dog please go and have a little look...

PS, she meant over on her blog...

Steph said...

Oh Fingers, ANOTHER scrag fight on a blog? Why? Whyyyyy?

Oh the humanity!

Miss Smack said...

*laughing*

Kitty said...

the cock on the barbie is back for those who want to see it

Kelly said...

It is sooo hard... I need a shoulder to cry on. :-( *sniffle*

No one understands me!!! *sob*

Tom Gaylord said...

hoyl crap im a girl

Miss Smack said...

We knew already. We just think you're a hairy girl.

it's the little things... said...

Are you saying I'm not funny? I'm crushed. I'm off to drown to my sorrows in a dozen donuts....

Kitty said...

ah....contestant 6....

fingers said...

Steph: Um, here you're upset by the prospect of Kitty's blood being spilled, yet over on SK you're upset there's not enough aggro. As for 'WHY'...obviously I am still using these trouts to get at you.

Smack: *plonker*.

Kitty: I'm going to de-claw you, one by one.

Kelly: I think you have me confused with Dr Fingers, the famous sensitivity trainer.

Tom: I'm on a Cuntass flight to Singapore on Tuesday. Any chance of an upgrade to the pointy end.

LT: Well, compared to WJ you're a comic genius...

WJ said...

LT: whereas compared to fingers you're just a genius.

Oh dear, side chat. better insult someone...

If I am lucky I will incur a long enough ban so I can just sit back and learn, what with fingers and that donut material and all... gold.

And have you been to the pound fingers? Where did you get that Big Dog? You know they are for keeps, not just for Christmas, don't you?

Phew

unique_stephen said...

>...Either insult someone or fuck off

Righto'

Fuck off fingers you dumb cunt. I hardly think it inappropriate given the rarefied eloquence encountered in your shallow corner of the blogsphear to make inquiries regarding the sex life of a bulimic nymphomaniac with a body image problem who fucks her toddlers kindergarten teacher but is presently in a sex drought. Simply trying to drag a potentially interesting comment thread onto your blog to make for some fun blog fodder and your too stoopid to play along. You went the smartest kid in school were you.

How did I do? I think it sounds a bit try hard and I could have worked on Kitties insecurities a bit more.

Kitty said...

*frisson*

Fingers, your rapists wit, oops i mean rapier wit is making me all giddy.

Kitty said...

unique stephen - i is not bulimic!

bulimics have vomit breath! come here - *pant* see? mine smells of PUSSY.

WJ said...

kitty you really should stop eating the cat food, in that case...

fingers said...

Stephen: It's a shaky start but there's some promise shown. We are considering offering you a position at Cunt Academy and are presently checking your references, fucker.

Kitty: Yours is making me sleepy but I love your bongos...

fingers said...

WJ: Wouldn't that result in tuna breath, numb nuts ?? More comic gold, Jerry...

unique_stephen said...

*snifs*

Christ, have another mint. I think you've still got a few pubes sticking to your chin.

fingers said...

I'm so proud of this thread just now...

WJ said...

my testicular circulation is quite fine thanks fingers, so my nuts aren't numb.

in answer to your question, it would depend on what you feed your cats.

Or perhaps it could be that I was referring to the fact that her breath might smell like a cat, and in my experience the predominant smell that tends to come from a cat is its breath.

It is so disappointing when one has to explain these witticisms...

Kelly said...

fine... I will go stiffle my tears in Stephs bossom. She will hold me!

fingers said...

WJ: Did you get beaten up alot at school.

Kelly: I'd like to 'stiffle' in Steph's 'bossom' too. I don't know WTF it means but it sounds pleasant enough...

fingers said...

Christ, what a shitful thread this has become.
Where did all the dumpy chicks go; at least they were clever...

it's the little things... said...

So you've traded wit for beauty now, you shallow blogger man...

Kitty said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

i knew you'd miss me fingers! i took my toddler to playgroup and sat with other dumpy women while the kids beat the shit out of each other and break stuff and whatnot.

i just realised something. i am pussy. i eat pussy. i is a cannibal.

fingers said...

LT: Hang on, doesn't trading wit for beauty make me deeper ?? I can't win. Get your bongos out, LT.

Kitty: If I was a giant egg, I'd get you round for a session of humpy-dumpy...

mutleythedog said...

Have you been on the ritalin again Mr Fingers? You are paying a little too much attention - why not go and watch TV?

Kelly said...

are you saying I'm pretty! :-)! *bats eyelashes!*

EmmaK said...

ha ha...totally true about most gals on the internet...apart from me! I don't talk about doughnuts or how overweight I am. Just about how stupid humanity is. I'm very deep ya know.

OneHungMan said...

Couldn't agree with you more.

Kitty said...

Fingers was talking about ME.

*grinning like a simpleton*

fingers said...

Mutley: If it wasn't a typo, then just ask the guy who jizzed on your jeans to pay for the dry-cleaning.

Kelly: Hahahaha...no I don't remember saying that at all, darling. I think I said you were a Google-stalking, bunny-boiling, emotionally self-mutilating teenage bride-doormat. Close...but no cigar...:)

EmmaK: 'My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish? ' Then stick your head in the gound and make like one, Emma.
Welcome to TWG. My father is American and my mother is Polynesian. I think that makes me Amnesian but I forget.

OneHung: Be warned, mate. It's not always popular being right but someone has to say these things.

Kitty: Don't mind Kelly, she just sees what she wants to see. As for the grinning, I KNOW why you're doing that, you dirty byatch.

Steph: I know you didn't comment but I just wanted to say I'll grab you a HYATT hotel sewing-kit in Singapore while I'm there...

Steph said...

What in teh fark are you gibbering about?

You know, you're creating quite a harem in here, you might have that whole "bad boy" thing goin on. Strange times indeed.

I don't talk about donuts and weight because according to darling WJ, I'm actually a 50 year old man who hires models for my pics!

Flattered much! If I had the money for a "model" I think I'd go for one with a whole head and Angelina Jolie lips.
I am however definately a man. An obese one with ginormous manboobs and a floppy mangina.

Wanna date?

Les Miserable said...

Mate, get ready for some incoming per vs. I've just talked you up on my front page so you should get a few desperates looking for a wank...I mean "a read".

mutleythedog said...

That was me -you big silly!!

fingers said...

Steph: I believe you mentioned something about doing a bit of sewing over on MAAS. Yeah, my masochistic little harem is growing nicely. Chock up a score for the insensitive old-age prick.

Lombay: What is per vs, besides the obvious phonetic ??

Mutley: I know it was, egg.

Kelly said...

Damn it. I thought I could at least be a pretty Google-stalking, bunny-boiling, emotionally self-mutilating teenage bride-doormat!

Even Co-dependent girls need some flattery!

electro-kevin said...

I couldn't leave it at 69, Fingers.

"I'll have double burger with cheese, extra large fries, fried onion rings, a donut and ... a diet coke."

electro-kevin said...

"No - hold on the fries, I'll just eat my boyfriend's instead."

Moi said...

And a cat! A lot of female bloggers have cats!

PS. Donuts effing rock...