Monday, August 06, 2007

i want to tell you something...


I have about one hundred pornographic DVDs !!!
They are so revolting that I’m embarrassed to keep them in my apartment, so they’re stored in the wine cellar, along with the Shiraz and Cabernet Sauvignons. The wine is mine; the DVDs are not.
About a year ago, I came home to find a package on my doorstep. Without bothering to check the details, I carried the large box into my apartment and opened it. To my utter delight the box was filled to the brim with pornographic DVDs. To my complete dismay, as I perused the inventory, every single DVD was either ‘foot porn’, ‘granny porn’, ‘hairy beaver porn’ or ‘tranny porn’.
To the best of my knowledge, I hadn’t ordered these items.
A quick check of the invoice attached to this festering fetish festival, sent from Delaware, USA, indicated that my neighbour had ordered the stuff. I know this man as Roger B. His wife is Catherine B. Nice couple…
I live in Unit 1/XXa Cunt Point Rd. Roger and his wife live in Unit 1/XXb Cunt Point Rd; it’s our block’s sister building, right next door. The addressee on the invoice was clearly marked ‘Roger B… Unit 1/XXb Cunt Point Rd’.
So, I was now in possession of a large parcel of my neighbour’s mail-order porn; the question was…what to do about it…especially as I had opened both the box and the invoice ??
I suppose I could have taken it over to Roger’s place, knocked on his door and with a straight-face said, ‘Hello mate, I think this is yours.’ I might also have just crept over in the dead of night, leaving the open package in their building’s foyer, with both the contents and clearly marked invoice in full view. I could have written Roger a little note, between us guys, suggesting he come over to my place when he had a spare moment. Or I could have thrown the whole lot in the garbage.
Of course, I did none of these things; I kept it, even though I was determined never to watch any of the weirdo shit that it contained.
That was a year ago, and the thing is…he must know what happened to his package. A simple check with DHL would confirm the delivery error. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.
I guess I’ve watched about twenty-five of the DVDs by now; the rest are still in their plastic wrappings. These days I’m pretty ambivalent about ‘foot porn’, will never understand the attraction of ‘granny porn’, am quite a fan of ‘hairy beaver porn’ (albeit the East European’s accompanying hairy armpits and legs are a bit much) and although I can’t say I’ll ever order any ‘tranny porn’ myself, I admire their solid work ethic.
Roger and I see each other once or twice a week. Not socially, just around the buildings, as we’re leaving for work or coming back from somewhere. He even has a Vespa but it’s not as cool as The Stealth.
We always do the neighbourly hello.
He says, ‘Hi Fingers, lovely day, how’s the scooter going, are the cats OK…’
Secretly he’s thinking, ‘Fingers, you fucker…I know you’ve got my porn, cunt.’
And I say, ‘Hi Roger, lovely day, how’s the scooter going, is Catherine OK…’
And he knows I’m secretly thinking, ‘Yeah fucker, I’ve got your porn…what are you going to do about it, cunt…’

43 comments:

Josh said...

Brilliant. I only ever get fucking postcards or bills meant for my neighbors - dullest people on earth.

You have got me thinking about miss posting them some of my old porn for a laugh now.

phishez_rule said...

You've got 100 porn DVDs? Awww. I only have about 20.

rackorf said...

Granny, tranny, foot porn? You'd have to make a few comments to Roger about the hot grannys walking down the road.
"Hey Roger! Check out where the tits used to be on that one ay! Nice wrinkly feet too! I'd bet she'd pop her teeth out in a sec if yer asked her!"

Miss Smack said...

HA you've STILL GOT IT !?

I think you should return them ONE at a TIME so he's constantly receiving new and fresh porn.

Way to Go, Rockin' ROGER!

UBERMOUTH said...

LMAO so oyu don't ask him to smoke your 7 " bat?

fingers said...

Josh: I sometimes wonder how embarassed I'd be if Roger just came over, thumped on the door and demanded his porn back ?? I've just opened 'Seattle Hairy Girls Vol 18'...

Phishez: Have you ever been to Seattle ??

Rack: Over here in Cunt Point, we're currently awash with tracksuited grannies shuffling up and down the footpaths. It's worse in summer, when they swap their trackies for skimpy running outfits. Last XMAS I thought this old bat was wearing a Cathy Freeman-like lizard-skin suit...until I realized she was actually naked.

Smack: Way to go Catherine B too...

Uber: Have you ever seen the 'Seinfeld' episode where George abuses his boss, resigns, then regrets his decision and simply turns up for work the next day as though nothing had happened...

WJ said...

That is quite an impressive collection fingers.

one thing I have always wondered is whether they are just done documentary style, otherwise how they train those beavers to do all that gymnastic shit?

surfercam said...

Sell them... after you've watched them all of course.

fingers said...

WJ: You were handed a 3-post ban by the judiciary.

SC: Brilliant. I'll just put an ad in the paper. 'Disgusting fetish porn for sale. DVDs @ $10 each...call 555 3382928 and ask for Fingers'. Then spend the next 2 weeks taking calls from the sort of cunts that buy discount porn. You're a fucking genius...

WJ said...

Does that include the 3 that disappeared or 3 more?

Plus you gotta love that good old beaver joke...

fingers said...

WJ: They were comments, not posts. This would have counted as the first post until your stupid question, for which you get an additional one-post penalty. I'll give you a one-post deduction for the shitty beaver joke, since it's not your fault you're not funny...

rackorf said...

Cunt point sounds like a swinging sort of place.

Betty Boob Hug said...

Awesome post!

What's several hundred missed orgasms between friends? I'm sure he got his rocks off on other stuff.

Steph said...

Fingers, you dirty old fucker. Those DVD's are yours and you know it! You're just making excuses for when I come over for dinner and go snooping around your wine cellar looking for a flaggon of Goon!

Own your filth! Own your depravity!!

Miss Smack said...

I'm not sure its ok for Catherine B to enjoy trannie porn, donkey porn, and hairy muff porn.. well, ok, maybe that last one because it gives her room between waxes, but isn't it more acceptable for a bloke to enjoy that weird stuff than a woman?

unique_stephen said...

I laughing so much I'm waking the kids up

electro-kevin said...

We had a disc show up in the mess room at work. It contained the most depraved animal sex, but we all watched it; in fascination not arousal. It got chucked in the bin but some bugger had it back out (not me I hasten.)

This could only happen to you, Fingers.

fingers said...

Rack: In my building there are 6 units. The average age of the residents, without me, is 168.

BBH: It's hard to look at someone the same way after you've trawled through their fetish collection though.

Steph: I owned up to MAKING my own porn: remember ?? Owning porn would hardly be a guilt-trip I'd lose sleep over. As for the dinner party, would you be wanting to sit with the grown-ups ??

Smack: You obviously don't read your own blog, you dirty byatch.

Stephen: Excellent. I hope I can keep your kids awake for years to come.

E-K: Every year I go up to see clients in Singapore. Every year they ask me to bring them real porn. Every year I go through Singapore Customs with a 12-pack of DVDs, all of which have got fake labels made on my PC...

Steph said...

I would love to sit with the grown ups! I have a hankering for intense conversation about supperanuation and anal fissures.
Awesome!

fingers said...

Are you busy this weekend, Steph ??
I'm having the nighbours over for a bit of a swap-session.
It's a 6-course meal and we all swap teeth after each course...

Steph said...

Baaaaaahahahaha! Nice! Aint nuffin like some old dudes slobber in your gob.....or so I'm told. *cough*

it's the little things... said...

Will you post pics of the dinner party please?

fingers said...

Steph: I don't find it all that great but then it's a permanent arrangement for me.

LT: I videoed the last one. It went for 3 hours. If you didn't notice the different plates on the table evry now and then, you'd swear the DVD had frozen.

Miss Smack said...

haha I have never written that I enjoy trannie porn!

it's the little things... said...

I don't like porn, unless I'm personally involved. Otherwise it's like watching other people eat dinner or something.

fingers said...

Smack: I didn't write about 'donkey porn' either but you seemed to have it on your mind when you posted.

LT: And do their steaks look bigger than yours...

fingers said...

Steph: Nearly forgot...did you just threaten me on your blog ?? You are now on double-secret probation, byatch...

WJ said...

indeed, I blame my parents, friends, extended family, and if I believed in him, God too for making me not funny.

For some reason I didn't receive the judiciary's decision, so I will wait til then. Gotta love judicial process, don't you...

Steph said...

Yes I did you old crusty fucker! One more lame arse comment from you and I'll beat you up with your special olympics medal.

P.S I still love you. In a sick,depraved, totally inappropriate way.

fingers said...

Steph: Enough to come over and give me a sponge-bath ?? The cats killed my nurse and ate her face...

Steph said...

I'll give you a sponge bath. Do you have any acid or shall I bring my own?

Kunstemæcker said...

Why didn't you write return to appartment X on each dvd and distribute them all over the building?

fingers said...

Steph: Use your tongue; there's plenty of acid on that. And what's with the 'throat-slitting' comment over on Smack's site ??

Kunsty: Seems like a lot of work for a few laughs, Groucho...

Steph said...

Lolzz, you finally saw that? You were questioning whether my flange was real or not!!! How rude!

it's the little things... said...

Put up a new post! Speaking of fingers, mine are getting tired from clicking over here!

fingers said...

Steph: Sorry darling, I never meant to suggest you weren't a real c*nt. There, is that better ?? Who's lolzing now, byatch...hehehehehe...

LT: I'm honoured that my blog gets you to stop fiddling with yourself for a few minutes a week...

it's the little things... said...

Um, ha!

Steph said...

Yeah I'm a real cunt and it's a crying shame you'll never get up close and personal to find out.

LOLZZING my noggin off.

Beeyotch!

fingers said...

Steph: That certainly is a shame. Looks like you're going to remain 0 for 2007, Tendulkar...

Malcolm Lambe said...

I was renovating a Paddo terrace for this advertising cunt and I stayed a few nights there while he was away. He was a meek mild-mannered kind of single guy. And yeah - he had a cupboard absolutely chockers with hard-core Scandinavian porn - most of it under-age girls being anally raped by alsations - shit like that. I looked at this guy in a different light after that. Oh...and I left the cupboard door open so he'd know that I knew. When are you bringing the book out BTW. This is very funny stuff. I wish you had a facility to play videos - I have one on my site that you'd LOVE. Japanese. Safe for Frigging work. Borrow a 'puter and watch this - http://www.welcometowallyworld.com/weird-wonderful-videos/i-was-robbed-by-two-men.html

Miss Smack said...

i think Malcolm will bring this site LOADS Of hits from per vs searching for some of THOSE keywords.

Malcolm Lambe said...

@ Miss Smack

You mean "under-age girls being anally raped by alsations - shit like that".

But I notice the Whine Guide is already awash in per vs. BTW what is a "per vs"? Something to do with anal warts?

Malcolm Lambe said...

Oh I get it...you mean "advertising cunt" will attract the per vs.