Thursday, August 02, 2007

my hero...


Well, as some of you clever readers guessed, I got to the car only to discover it had been gutted !!!
Some utter fuck-pig, in an exquisitely deft piece of spannersmanship, had removed both my ‘Recaro’ custom seats, leaving just an empty space, the gear-shift, the small padded ‘rear seat ledge’ and the steering wheel.
‘Serves you right, you stupid cunt,’ said the girlfriend joyfully in an attempt to brighten my mood.
‘Bothered,’ I replied in an inspired moment of feigned disinterest.
‘Well how are we going to go for breakfast now, Fuck-Head??”
‘Watch and learn, Jizz Face.’
We had a cute habit of making up names for each other.
With a Mc Guyver-like improvisation, I went back into the unit and retrieved two wooden chairs from the balcony, which were then placed inside the empty Mercedes cabin.
‘Voila, Dog Breath !!!’
‘Let’s take a taxi instead.’
‘No. I refuse to let these fuckers beat me. Let’s go.’
And go we did.
Obviously not the ideal method of transport safety-wise, I drove carefully off down the road for the two-km trip to Balmoral. About 100 metres into the journey…I got this…
‘Seriously Fingers, are you ever going to grow up?.
‘Probably not.’
‘It’s not funny. You’re thirty years old; you’re a grown man. It’s a very unattractive quality, Shit For Brains.’
‘Yes I know. That’s why I have this car; to attract skanks like you in the absence of any common-sense on my part. Seems to work though, eh Gold Digger.’
‘You have absolutely no respect for things…a lot of people would do anything for a car this beautiful and look how you treat it…you’re pathetic…I hate you...I don’t even want to go to breakfast anymore……’
‘Darling, could you please do up your seat-belt for me. I’d hate to see you get hurt.’
And with a huffy ‘Whatever’ she did up her seat-belt.
‘Thank you. Now, you were whining about something. Please continue since I have no radio anymore.’
‘Fingers it’s not good enough…you can’t just keep doing shit like this…it’s embarrassing for you, embarrassing for me…I’m tired of explaining to my friends why my boyfriend is such a fuck-up…’
At this point in the conversation, we had just started our descent down Attunga Rd, which may the steepest hill in Sydney. Having had enough lip from the handbrake by this time, I braced myself against the steering wheel and tapped the footbrake lightly.
Now, who can tell me what might happen to a person under the following conditions:
This person is travelling in a vehicle going in forward motion.
This person is sitting in a chair which is NOT bolted to the vehicle chassis.
This person is wearing a seatbelt.
The vehicle slows suddenly.
The seatbelt works perfectly.

Remember Newton’s Third Law of Motion: The third law states that for every force there is an equal and opposite force. Or for all you Harry Potter morons…if you push on something it pushes back on you.

And so, as my girlfriend slid gently forward into the clutches of her seatbelt, it grabbed her, absorbed the momentum, then pushed back, propelling her in the opposite direction (just as Newtown promised me it would).
The chair tipped backwards but kept travelling forward after falling out from under her, until it came to rest against the dashboard, whilst my girlfriend slid gently into the back of the vehicle, coming to rest against the padded ‘rear seat ledge’.
‘I’m sorry, darling…what were you saying ?? Something about my being an embarrassment to you…’







31 comments:

rackorf said...

heh, "fuck-pig" haven't heard that one in a while.

Lad Litter said...

I'm thinking you might cop a bit of flak from commenters but I can't think of any other course of action open to you. Other than punctuating the diatribe with the occasional "Yes, dear."

Miss Smack said...

you're a class act, mate. I wish i was tougher like you.

it's the little things... said...

I just can't find men like you in San Antonio.
Sigh.

Steph said...

You may as well have just cut the bottom out of the car and driven it Flinstones stylee.

electro-kevin said...

I love the Mercedes. The bastards could have nicked it whole at least.

Great posting BTW.

Kelly said...

no wonder you didn't have a mean comment for my post, you saved all the evil for you blog! LOL!

fingers said...

Rackorf: Welcome to TWG. Yeah it's a trip down memory lane here some days. Haven't heard 'rackorf' for a long time either.

LL: I've got my seatbelt on and I'm ready for the biotches.

Smack: It wasn't always that much fun. There were tough times in our relationship too.

LT: Hard to believe I'm still single, isn't it ??

Steph: What would they have called The Flintstones if they were black ?? (It's an old joke).

EK: It was a lovely ride. The gearbox was a brute though. It could dislocate your elbow if you weren't concentrating.

Kelly: Just as I thought. You lot are more uncomfortable when I'm not tearing you up. Sickos...

surfercam said...

That's fantastic.
You are MY hero Fingers!

Steph said...

I haven't heard it as I'm not as old as you. Grandpa.

Plus, too lazy too google.

fingers said...

SC: Nice to know someone appreciates me. A shame it had to be you though.

Steph: Ouch !!! Razorblades, old guy barbs...have I been too rough on you. You're like a bubbly niece to me...

Yoffi said...

Wow, you're a rare breed aren't you...asshole crossed with a jack ass crossed with a total and utter moron.

Well if it weren't for you I wouldn't be sitting here giggling..."fuck-pig"...hehe

Yoffi said...

No really...still on the "fuck-pig"...lol

fingers said...

Yoffi: Who're you calling a moron, Pot Plant ?? May I quote something from your splendid blog...

'Dear Higher Power

I should be given a tasser gun so that I can tasser, arbitrarily, the stupid people that are all around us...'

Dear Higher Power

Please give Yoffi a dictionary instead of a 'tasser', especially as I know how much poor spelling infuriates her.

It's a 'taser', darling.
An acronym, though nothing to do with 'laser' or 'maser'...or even 'lassers' or 'massers'...

WJ said...

Ah fingers, we all appreciate you, not unlike a very old wine, an aged bourbon or a Roquefort cheese.

Actually, for some reason you remind me of a heady combination of all three...

Steph, fingers is being nice. Just back away slowly and don't make any sudden moves.

fingers said...

You know what I hate more than having my face unjustly slapped ??
Having my ass unjustly kissed.
You know what I hate more than having my ass unjustly kissed ??
People who use my blog as though it were an RSVP chat room.

There's an e-address provided for that sort of chin-dribble.

Still think I'm being too nice...

Steph said...

I saw with mine own eyes, Fingers being nice on another blog!! Speaking of RSVP, methinks you were trying to hit on Wonderlust, calling her a smart girl and stuff!

Uncle Fingers- That sounds kinda dirty and wrong. I like it.

rackorf said...

Niggers!! - (well the question was asked)

Kelly said...

haha! It just doesn't seem like you without the insults that I barely understand! :-)

it's the little things... said...

Ah Fingers, I was afraid you were getting soft. Glad to see you've come back to normal again, Mr. Single.

Yoffi said...

I gues I'ma jist a gluttin 4 punischment. I kip cuming bak hear and commanting.

Yoffi said...

And poor spelling doesn't infuriate me...I'm the worst speller LIKE EVA (added just for your pleasure). Only the incorrect use of its/it's; their/there/they're; where;we're

Oh and you think my post is splendid? Really? *tears up*. :)

phishez_rule said...

I love people who are inventive with insults. You never know what the fuck they're going to say and its always funny when they screw up the delivery.

"Ass wanker"

fingers said...

Steph: Maybe I'm just using 'Wanderlust' to get at you, my little minx.

Rackorf: I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want someone to answer. There's no sacred cows here on TWG.

Kelly: I'm positively giddy at the thought of what you may or may not understand, you plonker. There...is that better ??

LT: Just took a Little Blue Pill. I'm so hard again you could smash fleas with me.

Yoffi: Wow, you're not only a poor speller; you're completely oblivious to sarcasm as well.

Phishez: One of my favourite clients is a volatile little four-footer from Singapore with a mouth like a sewer. One day I told her she knew 'fuck all' about the Japanese Yen. She came screaming down the speaker box here with the following...'Fingers, you fucking cunt...you think I know fuck all...I know fuck nothing...'
I've never worked out what she meant by it either...

Yoffi said...

Sarcasm? What is this strange notion you *speek off*?

(for your spelling pleasure) ;)

Kelly said...

THANKS

mutleythedog said...

You were young once? Blimey!!

it's the little things... said...

Gosh, Fingers. Kelly is wearing such a pretty red dress. Cut her some slack!

fingers said...

Can't do that, LT.
It's a bad precedent.
Soon they'd all be sending me photos of themselves all dressed-up looking for me to cut them some slack.
Of course the key to getting preferential treatment is to dress DOWN...

it's the little things... said...

Oh, well there ya have it!

Tha said...

lmao.....good work man...luved the posts