Tuesday, September 11, 2007

warning; long post ahead...


OK, I know this is a bit slack but I was trawling through the wreckage of RADAR and found this piece. It was written two years ago but the cunt editors mangled it beyond recognition, so here is the original...
How often have you heard it said: ‘Australia is a big fucking country’.
Big and bad.
It’s invariably described as such by men who seem to know about these things. Men with deep, rich, impossibly sincere voices that make them sound both ancient and experienced enough to have witnessed the Earth’s formation first-hand. Men like John Laws and Sir Richard Attenborough.
They will inevitably drone on for an Ice Age about Australia’s history as the harshest, meanest, toughest, driest, most dangerous, most spectacular, most stupendously diverse motherfucker of a continent that ever poked its nose above sea level.
It has deserts the size of China, ice-shelves bigger than North America (if you count our frozen property holdings in Antarctica), ancient wetlands vast enough in which to drown New Zealand (not a bad idea either…), rainforests of towering hardwood giants and supernatural Eucalypts and mighty rivers which carve their way from rugged inland mountain ranges created at the dawn of time, to the boundless and bountiful oceans that surround this largest of all the islands on Earth.
Mother Nature, we’re reminded has done a remarkable job in creating a raw, brutal, yet handsome landscape of which we can be truly proud…
But what the fuck kind of drugs was Mother on when she handed out the animals ??
Australia got absolutely screwed !!
OK, not necessarily to begin with and not necessarily across the board, but we eventually got stuck with the most boring, useless, harmless collection of decidedly non-deadly mammals in the world; Europe notwithstanding. Yes, they’re cute, cuddly, unique and superbly adapted to their respective environments – one or two of the monotremes can even lay eggs, the clever cunts - but as far as we humans are concerned, there isn’t a dangerous, snarling, razor-toothed beast amongst the lot.
Where are all our killer mammals ??
According to an SMH article, ‘killer mammals have been rare on all the continents, with only 45 big kinds existing on the planet during the past 65,000 years’. OK, fair enough, they were quite scarce, but we haven’t got ANY of these murderous fur-balls around anymore.
Not one !!!
Apparently we used to…
Apparently, ‘the carnivores that called Australia home millennia ago included six species of killer kangaroo (oooh… how terrifying), 13 kinds of Thylacine (sounds like a type of hand-cream) and eight species of marsupial ‘lions’ (the apostrophes apparently necessary so that these mysterious, extinct beasts are not confused with actual lions). Even historically, our mammals were a pretty lame bunch, although they were plenty more ass-kicking than the present mob.
We have no big, savage cats around whatsoever. Today there are no living descendants of our marsupial ‘lions’, which were thought to have hunted fake antelope, quasi-zebra and the fabled miniature-hornless-pseudo-water-buffalo. When these prey were not available, marsupial ‘lions’ dined on tofu with sun-dried tomatoes, and a group of them were known as a gay pride.
We do have a large rat though; we call it a kangaroo. Whilst it can give a full grown man a nasty scratch which could conceivably get infected, there is little chance of one chasing down a victim, tearing its throat out with large, retractable claws, biting off its head and gnawing on the stump for a few hours.
And what of the bears ?? Did we get any Grizzlies, any Browns, any Blacks ?? Did we fuck; even our Antarctic land mass is a polar bear free zone. We couldn’t even manage a panda or two…
We did get a bunch of ferocious koalas though. These mighty hunters, during the two hours a day they manage to stay awake, may strike fear into the heart of the nation’s gum trees, but you are far more likely to be bored to death than gored to death if you ever came face to face with one in the forest
Wild dogs anyone ?? How about a Big Bad Wolf ?? Perhaps a hyena; laughing, serious or otherwise…
Nope, we got screwed again there. Our most famous wild dog was the Tasmanian Tiger, a mammal so ridiculously designed it actually went extinct voluntarily rather than live with its shame. The last known ‘Tassie Tiger’ is thought to have hung itself with a rope plaited from the hair of its own tail, whilst held in captivity in Launceston Zoo…
All we have left in the canine carnivore cupboard is the dingo, a lean, mean scavenging machine that specializes in plundering road-kill. I wouldn’t back fifty dingoes to last one round in the ring with an African Honey Badger .
We don’t even have any vegetarian behemoths capable of crushing a person to death by accident, like an elephant, rhino or hippopotamus; in fact our biggest danger probably comes from our giant, flightless birds, which have very nasty tempers. A flightless bird…good grief…could anything be more pointless ??
Perhaps a fish that can’t swim ??
Look, I know Australia leads the world in man-eating sharks; our sharks are first class, they excel. They are often the size of ocean liners and armed with teeth that can chew through concrete. We also have the most excellent crocodiles in the world, up in the far north of the country, most of which are capable of snapping a submarine in half with their jaws. There are some wonderfully toxic jellyfish around, however these lethal blobs of protein are rendered completely harmless when faced with a protective shield of panty-hose.
Actually, our aquatic/amphibious animals can be very proud of their ability to kill victims quickly, savagely or painfully, but we have a real problem with the specific lack of land-bound mammalian terror.
Snakes, spiders, scorpions; we have billions of the things. And it’s not that I don’t respect reptiles or insects as proper fauna, or doubt their capacity to drop a wombat at fifty paces, despite the fact that you can’t dent one of those fuckers with a stick of dynamite and a shovel.
It’s simply that if I had to be killed by an animal on land, I think I’d like to die with some semblance of dignity. There would be a certain degree of satisfaction, although an undeniably large amount of pain involved as well, in being dragged from my tent in the dead of night by a 1000kg mass of fur, claws and teeth, torn to shreds and devoured bone by bone.
There’s nothing classy at all about dying alone in your sleeping bag, the victim of a poisonous bite on your helmet…

108 comments:

rackorf said...

Are Bunyips mammals?

Josh said...

Jebus fingers, I think you forgot Kitty. She may not have any fur but the girl has claws and will eat you alive.

When it comes to being eaten alive, what more do you want? That is one Aussie man eating mammal right there.

Kitty said...

AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Josh you took the words right out of my mouth baby.

Fingers - "We have no big, savage cats around whatsoever."...... eeerm, yes you do.

Gnat of Glass said...

I have seen some of your austrailian women, and I would have to disagree that you don't have any "large furry mean ass cats". Then again you also have some of the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet as well.


Just say'n, if you look hard enough I am sure the is a female bogan that would fit into the kind of danger zone your looking for.


Gnat.
.

Kitty said...

....did Gnat just call me....a BOGAN?

lainie said...

Kitty have you ever thought about not behaving like a such stupid slut all the time? You are embarrassing yourself all the smart women who use their brain.

fingers said...

Rack: No, they're imaginary...like God.

Josh: Who do you think bit me on the helmet while I was sleeping ??

Kitty: Well sharpen those claws baby, coz you're dining on Lainie soon.

Gnat: The last bogan was hunted to extinction in Cunt Point in 1876. It was declared a Natural Wonderland in 1877 and has remained bogan-free ever since.

Lainie: Perhaps you haven't noticed but TWG is a tranquil place, a sanctuary of sorts, a haven where readers come to wander through the beautiful posts and ponder the meaning of life. So, please don't come in here and call one of my favourite guests a stupid slut or I will kick you in the cunt...

Kitty said...

lanie, i think you meant to write:

Kitty have you ever thought about not behaving like a such stupid slut all the time? You are embarrassing yourself all AND the smart women who use their brain.

you forgot the AND you clever slut! wow. how embarrassment to be corrected by a stupid wog slut with fantastic toenails.

in future, if you want to hang shit on me come to my site and do it directly. or even send me an email if you can fathom the concept that the rest of blogland doesn't want to be subjected to your ugliness and are willing to spare them. please leave my darling e-boyfriend out of it. cunt.

Kitty said...

p.s. just for those clever cunts who don't know me very well, i put the and in the wrong place. i'm being ironical.

it's the little things... said...

So can I assume that the large furry mean-ass cats to which gnat refers really do live in Australia, after all?

Just like in the mammal-world, people, and bloggers, come in all shapes, sizes, colors and temperaments, folks....

unique_stephen said...

I once got a rather nasty sting from a blue bottle - they're pretty scary.

Laughing Boy said...

we had some friends we met in the uk come and stay with us a while back. when they got here, they had the fear of god in them about our spiders, snakes, dingoes & sharks...mostly spiders though. i'm talking SERIOUSLY worried about the spiders...wouldn't get into our car until i had checked both sun visors. true story!

fingers said...

Kitty: I think youse meant youse, didn't youse, youse silly wog.

LT: Very deep, Yoda.

US: Fascinating anecdote. Got any other gems from The Jellyfish Twilight Zone ??

LB: What a pair of cunts. Everone knows spiders hide on the wing-mirrors...

Kitty said...

so you are telling everyone about the helmet biting incident? hmmmm.

as you are all aware, poisonous bites are normally pretty drastic for your health and wellbeing here in Astraya, but as my little fangs puncture and infuse my victims with nothing more than a little dose of Funky Cold Medina, Fingers is A-OK.

now you all know why Fingery Man loves his kitty so much. STOP denying it fingers nobody believes your cranky old ass anyways.

fingers said...

It's true.
The cunt bit me on the helmet.
I suspect it was simply so she could suck the poison out afterwards...

Betty Boob Hug said...

hahah, rackorf - are bunyips mammals?

I still think every international tourist I have ever met is shit-scared about our spiders, snakes and sharks at the beach. And that to me is very cool.

Besides, running from marauding lions is so 1988.

Kitty said...

Fingers! Right again! Hey.... have you got your clever clogs on today or WHAT?

fingers said...

Betty: I'm scared of Lebs at the beach.

Kitty: Yes I do. And I see you've got your wooden bra on today too...

Kitty said...

fingers, your adoration for me is becoming somewhat embarrassing.

i've got a member of your absurd harem hanging shit on me calling me stupid. that's offensive. calling me a slut is fine - but stupid? um noooooes!

i've decided it is one of your deranged bitches. why else would she strike on your turf and not mine?

see how clever i am? i am so clever that i even know what 'mensa' means. i should do. i'm a member.

Kitty said...

oh, it means 'table' in latin for all you stupid pricks.

fingers said...

Kitty; I think you'll find you're actually a member of 'menses'. And a country member at that...

Kitty said...

fingers that is gross. really. not nice. do you make tampon jokes with your 14 year old niece? i'll bet that you do.

you are also fanning the fires of suspicion that you are, in fact, a clunge doctor with that sort of talk.

phishez_rule said...

Perhaps a fish that can’t swim ??

You spelled phish wrong. And I can swim. Does dog paddle count?

Look, I know Australia leads the world in man-eating sharks; our sharks are first class, they excel. They are often the size of ocean liners and armed with teeth that can chew through concrete.

Yep. Good description. I'm quite the man eater too. I'll eat anything that swims in range on the east and southern coasts. And sometimes the west too.

***

You know. You claim that we don't have alot of man eating wildlife. Apparently we do have quite a high man eating population of horn bags though.

electro-kevin said...

Isn't it true that you have the multi-toothed, man eating Bearded Clam down under, Fingers ?

You might has footage of one in the porno collection you siezed from your neighbour.

Miss Smack said...

a brilliant piece fingers, but I'm clearly speechless with the array of witty comments here.

Smooch to Kitty x

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers, that is a fab piece. Um...and you have a fun place here. Kitty cracks me up, she's fabulous.

Hey "mensa" does mean "table" in Latin...but in Spanish it means "stupid" in the feminine. Menso means "stupid" in the masculine. Go figure!

I really have to come here more often...ciao.

Kelly said...

WTF! Just because I am a little late at reading a ridiculously long blog due to work... I know... I know... as if! But really... I had work. I am training another sexetary for you...
Anyway... why is it that I missed out on the bloggy drama... DAMN!

Kitty- I love that you are a 'stupid wog slut with fantastic toenails'... except I don't really know what a wog is. Does that make me a stupid wog slut too? I have average toenails though... :-(

ok... back to the post

fingers- I totally forgot what I was gonna say...

but I did find you a article of a kangaroo attacking... not that anyone actually gives a fuck about that... but you obviously seem to...

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4158/is_20040708/ai_n12799297

fingers said...

Kitty: If I was a clunge doctor, I'd be a cross between House and Becker.

Phish: I think I speak for all Aussie men when I say...huh ???

EK: Um, yes, it's true. Fuck I wish I'd never written this piece.

Smack: That's your 3rd or 4th 'Gee, I'm speechless' comment in a row. Thanks for the contribution. Plonker.

SZJ: Thank you. Too kind. Are you really here for the wonderful posts or just tuning Kitty ??

Kelly: I appreciate your not blaming me for anything bad in your life. I hope to rectify that situation soon...

Kitty said...

kelly- a wog is a person of mediterranean descent - greeks and italians are known Down Under as wogs. It is an affectionate term mostly, but can be used as an insult too.

I bet you would make a lovely wog slut regardless of your toenails baby. Here's the way to know if your toenails need work: take a picture of yourself completely naked and email it to me. When I open it, if even notice that you have feet, much less toenails, its time for a pedicure.

Spiky - you too sexy. xxxxxxxxxx

fingers said...

For a bonus point...name the movie...

Kitty: Let me ask you a question. When you came pulling in here, did you see a sign out in front of my house that said 'Lesbian Tuning Station' ??
No ??
You know WHY you didn't see that sign? Cause it ain't there; 'cause tuning lesbians ain't my fucking blog's business, that's why...

phishez_rule said...

Yeah, I'm not sure what the fuck I was on last night.

Kitty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rackorf said...

Take some more of whatever it was phishy and head out west...

grrrr....

you get go 'em girl;)

Kelly said...

kitty- I think wer are moving too fast... you need to at least buy me a martini first!

fingers- don't be jealous because she is going to get a nude photo when you can't even get a photo of my face... :-P

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...did I come here for the fab fingers or the oh so cute Kitty?

You see it's like this, how can I resist...fingers. Just the word finger excites me and Kittys...well I just love Kittys. Ha.

Oh...babes, you know it's you that gathered me here. You're smart and witty. Why...I wait at your door step like a giddy school girl, waiting to see what you might say next.

As for Kitty...Sigh, she sparkles so very brightly, how could I not notice her.

I do really love your blog though...Oh and Hi, Kitty.

Ciao fingers.

fingers said...

Phishez: Well whatever it was, we can assume it wasn't your back.

Rack: I see you as a sort of Bush Tucker Man. Picturing you standing over Phish, her charms on full display, saying 'See this...you can eat this...'

Kelly: Kitty is completely in my power. I have merely sent her out to fetch you. She's a good retriever.

SZJ: I am completely in Kitty's power. She has merely sent me out to fetch you. I'm a good retriever...

Steph said...

Just reading through these comments do you realise eight of the people here found you through me? I'm still waiting for that cheque. Seven degrees of seperation indeed.

The post was VERYY long but I got through it....just. It was about animals, right? Good.

Kittycat, well handled with the gutless gimpy troll.
Can I be a wog slut too? Anglo's are so boring.

fingers said...

Steph; It's six degrees, darling. Six degrees of separation. And yes, I should thank you for allowing me to skim the cream from your blog. It's delicious. I'll try and keep the posts shorter from now on, unless they're about you...

rackorf said...

I am. She can.

marlayna said...

Oh my, Rackorf and Fingers are linked. We're all doomed now. :)

Kelly said...

I feel scammed. Now naked shots of me will be all over your blog.

maybe it will make the posts more interesting...

steph is right. We only came to your blog because she told us to. We do as she says. Otherwise we get dog pee on our dishes. reading stuff about me isn't nearly as bad as being in the hospital for belly fungus due to dog piss!

mutleythedog said...

I was considering coming to live in Australia - I think there are not enough dogs, now I have changed my mind...

phishez_rule said...

Like I spend any time on my back. I'm the top bitch and I want my partner to show his subservience by being beneath me!

Les Miserable said...

Pussy everywhere. I don't know how you do it. All we had on my blog was a few strays, a paedophile and a nasty poof.

Kitty said...

kelly- tapping my claws waiting for your nekkidness baby.

spiky- hot damn i want scissor you like theres no tomorrow. raaar.

fingers- well look at little kitty the phat cat stealing all your pussy. ha.

Kitty said...

steph- fank you baby. yes you can be a wog slut! you hot.

BottleBlonde said...

We have a man-eating hippo here in the states. We call it, Rosie O'Donnell.

Betty Boob Hug said...

bottle blonde this is for you: hahah! I once posted a post (or blogged a blog) about how it is NOT FAIR that even Rosie O'Donnell could get herself laid and I could not.
THe woman intrigues me. She's such a mix of banality, long-winded american whinger and a two-bit gossip, and yet, AND YET she can be quite entertaining. But she is a bit fugly I have to say.

So, BB, HAHA to your quip about Rosie. You so funny girl.

WJ said...

les miserable I am not even going to ask whether you re classifying me as a stray or one of the others, even though I know who they were. back in your Parisian box mate.

fingers, I remember the original, but well done on all the adoration. Cunt Point must be running a revolving door...

Thursday's Child said...

Nice harem you have going fingers.

And Les Mis, a stray? I resemble that remark.

fingers said...

Marlayna: Love the sexed-up new name. Marlaaaaaaaaaayna.

Kelly: Forget about Steph. She's getting some action these days. I'm your New leader. Now, get your bongos out.

Mutley: What ??

Phish: Hope's cheap, baby. Indulge yourself. When are you coming into heat again ??

Lombay: Beats me, mate. I'm like that ugly cunt that scored Julia Roberts.

Kitty; You're like some lesbian dung beetle cleaning up the floor of the blog for me.

BB: I'd like to see Kitty try and swallow that hippopotomass.

BBH: 'A bit fugly' ?? That's like saying WJ is a bit of a cunt.

WJ: Oh hello mate. Welcome back. I've missed you.

Thurs: You'll fit in nicely here. None of my other followers are getting much action either...

Thursday's Child said...

Ah fingers, if only you were right about your little comment and I could be bothered by it....

Sadly, not the case.

Laughing Boy said...

what is / was radar??

fingers said...

TC: You mean you are getting some, or you aren't but won't fit in ??

LB: It was a prototype public blog on SMH that a few of us hijacked for a number of months before The Chasers took over and killed it...

Kitty said...

i don't eat ugly women. only hot ones. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

i'm not cleaning up shit for you or your blog, fingers. that minxy little spiky girl flipped me onto my back for a bit of lezzer action and as i'm a beetle....i stuck! oh noes!

fingers said...

Yeah but your last meal got away, Kitty. Hunger drives many animals to eat things they normally wouldn't. You may be dining on moosepig before too long...

phishez_rule said...

Generally its once every 12 seconds.

Thursday's Child said...

Getting lots thanks fingers....

fingers said...

Phishez: If you were a goose you'd be Golden.

TC: Good for you, Orgasmo...

Kitty said...

Doesn't Thursday have a nice rack? Is that your rack Thursday? It nice.

Thursday's Child said...

Sadly kitty, the rack is all mine.

Kitty said...

Sadly? Not from this angle poppet.

Raaaaar.

mutleythedog said...

You are a bit lazy with your posting aren't you?

Miss Smack said...

I'm sure we can get the comments to 100, before he comes back, eh?

So, lets play word association.

Whats ONE WORD that comes to mind when you think of dear old uncle fingers?

Kelly said...

OLD!

Kelly said...

Dirty!

Kelly said...

Fucker!

Kelly said...

I could get to 100 by myself...

Laughing Boy said...

debonaire

Laughing Boy said...

elegant

Laughing Boy said...

chivalrous

Laughing Boy said...

enchanting

Laughing Boy said...

cultured

Kelly said...

laughing boy- quick sucking up! He has no power!

Laughing Boy said...

Charming

Laughing Boy said...

inspiring

Josh said...

CUNT

fingers said...

You utter Philistines !!!
Look what you've done to my splendid blog.
You've graffitied one of Seven Wonders of the Internet...

Laughing Boy said...

tolerant

Kitty said...

the word that i associate with fingers.......

sexy

raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar baby.

Kelly said...

viagra

Thursday's Child said...

Yasser Arafat.

I know, 2 words, I cheated.

Betty Boob Hug said...

rude

Betty Boob Hug said...

but fun

Betty Boob Hug said...

with a tasty bum

Betty Boob Hug said...

I thought we were trying to get to 100? come on guys! back in the saddle!

Kitty said...

he has a rapists wit. i mean rapier wit.

Kitty said...

finger lickin' good

Kitty said...

fox force five fingers.

Betty Boob Hug said...

kitty you make me laugh. hahah, rapiers wit!

I wonder if fingers is taking a hiatus - we sure do miss that man.


come back soon you obsence offensive cherub!!

phishez_rule said...

long winded.

phishez_rule said...

rude

phishez_rule said...

offensive

phishez_rule said...

complimentary. In a strange way. Nothing gives me quite the warm glow like being called a cunt by him. Except, you know, for having someone bury their face in mine.

phishez_rule said...

When are you coming into heat again ??

every 12 seconds

Seems my last comment was right on those 12 seconds. Oh god. Here comes the next round...

Miss Smack said...

honest

Kitty said...

smack - too bloody right darling! honest is a good one!

Kitty said...

oh come on....get me to 100 baby....ooooooh, i'm nearly there..aaaaah, nearly....just..a few more seconds....a little bit more.....

Kitty said...

oh, oooooh that's it....oh baby....more...more....moooooore... yeeeesssssss...baby don't stop now!....oooooooooooooh

Kitty said...

Oh..ooooh..OOOOOHHHHHHHH, yessssss baby....that's it....harder.... there.....there!....that's it honey....yessssssssssssssssssss..............aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah 100.

Miss Smack said...

Kitty, you crack me up!

it's the little things... said...

For the love of Christ, PLEASE put another post up before your vacation. Something short, clever, interesting and devilish, preferably...
I have tired of viewing that yellow-fanged thang.

Betty Boob Hug said...

Fingers, we got you to over 100 so come out of hiding and say hello to the wildlife.

Miss you!!

Kitty said...

little things - babes put him google reader so you don't have to see the fangs when you're checking for posts!

does he live alone? maybe he fell down and can't get up!

fingers said...

OH shut up...I've been busy hacking blogs and shit...

it's the little things... said...

But Kitty I come here for the comments, not the post itself. :)

Kitty said...

little things - me too baby. it isn't the fingery one that i love, its his byatches (shhh don't tell him i said that cause he will cry little a sissy).

Madam Z said...

FINGERS! Where have you been all my life? This is the most entertaining blog post of ANY length I have ever read.

I know I'm too late, but I'll add my "one word" to the list...

STIFF