Monday, January 14, 2008

what women want...


It’s taken forty-seven years of trial and error…but I’ve finally worked out what women want.
Forget good looks, forget gigantic brains, forget fabulous humor, forget kindness, generosity, charity or the power of life and death…forget all that shit they write in their profiles on dating sites.
It’s all bullshit; they want boats !!!
Are you listening to me ??
WOMEN WANT BOATS.
And it doesn’t have to be the ‘Arctic P’ either, although I suspect you’ll need something a little more up-market than a tinny.
Just your basic, entry-level speedboat will to do the trick.
Of course, you’ll also require a plentiful supply of cheap champagne and some strong sunshine in which to drink it, however once these three ingredients are combined, virtually any man can have his very own bikini-clad headrest.
So, my advice to the rest of you desperate ‘Unfuckables’ is do what you have to do…rob a bank, sell your organs to Arabs, find yourself a better-paying job…but get a fucking boat.
I wish I’d done this years ago…

82 comments:

Kitty said...

um...who is that dude with the hot blonde? i totally fucked him once...

Kitty said...

...though he had no boat at the time...

fingers said...

Kitty: I didn't need a boat to chop you up...

Kitty said...

:P

fingers said...

From memory I showed you a photo of 'The Queen Mary' and your pants fell down...

surfercam said...

Is that you and your daughter, Fingers?

fingers said...

SC: Don't be a sick cunt. It's her best friend...

Steph said...

ohmygod that looks like a pic from a Paedo site!!

Seriously! Fingers you dirty dawg!

Kitty said...

i wasn't wearing pants you silly old fucker. you are obviously confusing me with another blogger than you nailed. *huff*

i'm with steph - why not fuck women more your own age?

LIKE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Thursday's Child said...

Brilliant fingers, just brilliant.

Nice trout too.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers is that you? um...nice boat. I so agree with steph but not with kitty...and no, I was not pouting in your previous post.

ciao babes.

electro-kevin said...

I found that a tied appartment and a police uniform in central London worked quite well, Fingers.

A full head of hair AND a speedboat, you lucky bastard. ;-)

Me in 1988 ...

http://bp1.blogger.com/_MXByb84VSgE/R31JdfLZcZI/AAAAAAAAA4g/siGDfAR88Uk/s1600-h/scan.bmp

nudeman40 said...

SHHHH Your not supposed to let that out. We have been keeping it a secret for years. A boat with a cabin AND a bed work really well. Many of them ask if they can go topless or nude. The best way to boat I say. Ahoy...

fingers said...

Steph: I'll have to take your word it about those sorts of sites, Mrs Bubbles.

Kitty: Really ?? I thought you had bicycle shorts on. Maybe you were just between waxes. BTW...how's your 12 year old neighbour these days ??

TC: Ta. Chin up, soldier.

Spiky: Are you sure ?? I know a pout when I see one.

E-K: Yes, well there's not much call for a boat in Central London.

Nude: Welcome aboard NM. It is a condition of this blog that all new commenters must be naked. I'm going to make an exception for you though...

Betty said...

fingers? have you been photo shopping your head onto bikini models bodies again?

surfercam said...

Does she have a sister?

fingers said...

Betty: Actually, we're conjoined twins. She's quite keen to have the operation but I'm holding out.

SC: Yes but she's naked and holding the camera...

BottleBlonde said...

Now why'd you have to go and give up beastiality for pedophilia?

fingers said...

BB: Less scratches...

( . )( . ) said...

I agree. I love guys with boats. And champagne. You have a boat? Im all yours.

fingers said...

(.)(.): You forgot the best part. I'm old too...

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Hm. A boat is all well and good, but for sheer pulling power the new Aston Martin Vantage GT2 takes the prize. You can only use the boat for three days in the UK - those days are commonly known as THE ENGLISH SUMMER. I'd happily sip a fine Dom perignon aboard a sunseeker during the day, but at night I'd prefer a faster ride.

fingers said...

MoM: Yes I spent the entire English Summer down on the English Riviera (Brighton) a few years back. Glorious. The temperature soared into the low 20s and the water was a balmy 13 degrees. BTW, I have had more luck with the new boat than I ever had with my crappy Aston Martin...

unique_stephen said...

Dear ol dad just gave me a tinny. Perhaps I can get a date with Rex Cunt.

fingers said...

US: Dress up as a barramundi and he'll give you a kiss...

Ms Smack said...

That's a great photo of you and your play-thing.

Life is better if you're on the sea from time to time, I agree with you.

Great pic, mate.

phishez_rule said...

My, what a comfortable pillow!

Kylie said...

My dad has a boat too. We're not close like you and your daughter are though. :P

Kylie said...

P.S I'm with a few of the girls at Steph's place and they all reckon yous a bit hot for an old dude.

UBERMOUTH said...

You mean boats and faulty hearts!

Effortlessly Average said...

Speed boat? Aw crap, no wonder it didn't work for me. I went and bought one of those pontoon things and then got all light headed from sitting there for hours blowing the damned thing up.

fingers said...

Smack: First time ever the photos in the brochure matched the reality for me.

Phish: Made in The Czech Republic.

Kylie: I think you're all seeing me through boat-coloured glasses but I'm grateful for the attention anyway. Say 'Hi' to your Dad for me too. I haven't seen him since our high school formal.

Uber: No, it was in reference to something on her blog.

EA: This weekend I'm taking Raffiella (my blow-up Columbian doll) out for some tubing. Lie on top of her at 60kph in a light chop and I guarantee you'll remember it forever...

Josh said...

Thankfully I learnt this lesson early in life.

The second lesson I learnt was that sailing someone else's yacht works just as well and you don't have to pay for the bloody thing to be tied up at Rushcutters Bay.

There is a catch though. Boats are like motocycles, very horny when the weather is good but likely to kill the mood once the rain starts.

Fuck the Arctic P though, that thing has no class, it is a glorified tug boat.

Get yourself a Wally 143 and really enjoy life and all the flange you can eat off this babies teak decks.

unique_stephen said...

She is cute.
Have you fisted her yet?

Bo Bo said...

The maintenance costs on something that new Fingers...... Get something a tiny bit older and you’ll get two for the price of one....... Then you can take them out on you’re shinny new speedboat.

fingers said...

Josh: Blah !!! For the past 3 years I've been part of a syndicate that leased a 44' Beneteau which we sailed out of The CYC. Never saw a bikini on deck once.

US: Don't be disgusting. Besides, according to my notes a speedboat only entitles you to two fingers on the first trip.

BoBo: Costs don't concern me. She's leased through work...

Josh said...

Ok, first of all the thought of you and me at the CYC at the same time is a scary thing...

Second, cruising and racing get you two totally different types of deck fluff.

Cruising gets you the example in your photo, while racing will get you the girls that have had way too much sun, drink Bundy by the jug and are good fun to arm wrestle.

The good news is that racing chicks tend to go straight from Musto to nothing and skip the bikini all together.

Give me the racing chick over the princess any day.

Bo Bo said...

Ahh nothing better than a tax deductible chick

fingers said...

Josh: I bet you were one of the cunts onboard the Farr 40 that seemed to think twihlight racing was The America's Cup.

BoBo: Actually, she's the company accountant. True story...

Bo Bo said...

I can hear the pick up line now.

Fingers- You can round me down to the nearest decimal point anytime baby.
Girl- No thanks I only fuck guys with boats.
Fingers- Well have I got an equation for you.
Me & You + a Speedboat = ?
Girl- Late for work Monday?

fingers said...

BoBo: OK, you might need something more than just a speedboat...

Bo Bo said...

Hey lines like that can be dangerous in the wrong hands.
I’ve seen older blokes with speedboats land hot young accountant chicks with those lines.

Not for the faint of heart my friend.

fingers said...

BoBo: I don't think you'd get laid in a blowfly brothel with a pocketful of dogshit using that line...

Josh said...

And I am guessing you were the bloke with the fenders still dragging in the water at the first mark, a stubbie in one hand and no idea which tack was starboard or why people were screaming it at you.

You probably have one of those little white captain hats too don't you?

Bo Bo said...

Don’t be silly fingers that line only works on hot accountant chicks.

Now for blowfly brothels and a pocketful of dog shit you would use something like this.

“Is that Excrement you’re eating”?
“Cause I could defecate all day long baby”

fingers said...

Josh: No hat but I do like to carry a sword on deck. Comes in handy for cutting those fenders loose in a tight scrap. All I know is that it's not worth denting a 600k boat to win a bottle of CYC Shiraz...

Josh said...

I have to agree about the Shiraz but then again we are back to life lesson number 2 - race someone else's yacht.

Even at 600k a yacht in a race is like a hammer - you never stop to think how hard you are hitting it until the handle breaks.....

fingers said...

Josh: You do when the hammer's a loaner and you've promised to cover any repairs. Life lesson #3 might be that the biggest hammer doesn't always drive the nail in fastest, Leopard Boy...

Kunstemæcker said...

I thought all women had a canoe with little bald indians in them.

travistee said...

Gosh, and I thought all women wanted was a man to pay for the first date...

Josh said...

Gee Kunstemaecker, is there something special about Belgium woman they are not telling us? I have only ever found one bald Indian in the canoe in my travels?

Time to go back to Europe to investigate....

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

I reckon any girl on a boat with you had better watch out for your yardarm.

Your problem with the A Martin is that you're probably a crap driver. Were you trying to put it into third and stalled at the traffic lights so that all passers-by could point and laugh? Never mind.

PS. Get a Cessna. That's MY plaything. Planes beat boats any day.

Jayne said...

I really don't believe that's you in the photo Fingers.

unique_stephen said...

I don't either, I cant see the silver spoon in his mount.

Madam Z said...

...OR...if you're maxed out on bank-robbing, organ selling, and
job advancement, just scrape together a few bucks and buy her a bouquet of red roses and some fancy chocolates. That would turn me on a lot faster than bouncing around getting seasick and sunburned on a silly old boat.

fingers said...

Kunsty: I wouldn't know. I've been paddling my own canoe for too long.

Travis: No, they're like terrorists with a long list of unreasonable demands most of the time.

Josh: Bon voyage, Two Dogs.

MoM: I laugh at your Cessna. I skydive from Cessnas; they're the only perfectly healthy airplane I'm always relieved to jump out of.

Jayne: You figured with all my brains and wit that I'd have to be a hunchback.

US: You leave my mount out of it. She's a sweet ride.

Z: Yes but do you look like that in a bikini...

Madam Z said...

Ha! You ask, "Yes but do you look like that in a bikini..."

Of course not, silly! I have flaming red hair and emerald green eyes. Otherwise, it's pretty much the same.

fingers said...

Z: Could be worse. I saw a girl with green hair and red eyes last weekend...

Effortlessly Average said...

Then I have a question fingers: did you nail her anyway, even with the red eyes and green hair?

fingers said...

EA: No, I thought she was an alien so I shot the fucker...

Effortlessly Average said...

Ah, so you mounted her, but on your wall instead?

travistee said...

I'm not a terrorist, Fingers, just a poor, hungry date. :)

Mex said...

you should get some better sunglasses fingers. the ones you're wearing in the photo look like you picked them up at the servo.

fingers said...

Mex: No, the sunnies are designer gear. I picked the chick up at the servo though...

Mex said...

good then - she knows how to operate a pump...

Arcturus said...

Hear hear. Here.

fingers said...

Arcy: Shake your Bootes...

travistee said...

Shake your bootes? CLASSIC. Now I'm not even mad that you ignored my comment.

fingers said...

Trav: Gotta love cosmological comedy...

unique_stephen said...

Shake your bootes - that's magic. You are truly a man of many talents Fingers.
I must have missed the cosmological comedy elective in 3rd year astronomy at uni.

Keshi said...

**WOMEN WANT BOATS.

Not this woman :)

Keshi.

fingers said...

US: It's so nice playing to such a galactically educated audience.

Keshi: Yes but 2 days ago you were in love and today all men are baboons. So, who knows...maybe tomorrow you will want a boat...:)

Ms Smack said...

I need a picture of your nipples honey, for Smack Dab's Guess the Boob competition.(Round 2)

:)

Les Miserable said...

I was thinking she looks more like a Checkout Chick...not that there's anything wrong with that.

nudeman40 said...

any more "boat pics" Fingers?? We need some topless ladies here...

fingers said...

Excuse the sparse postings lately but I'm doing a poxy writing course and it's sapping my will to write...

unique_stephen said...

I could post a link to a picture of a muff burger if you like, that seems to motivate some people to post.

OneSkinnyGirl said...

Fingers - you hot!
I dont like boats, I get sea sick on a friggen lilo!

Steph said...

You gonna update you lazy fucker?

Bad Bob said...

Does the same thing work for airplanes? I haven't really tried to exploit that yet, but somehow I don't think it'll be the same.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

FINGERS... pull them out you lazy ass and get over to the blogosphere again. We've missed your erudite musings.

travistee said...

Get your head off your friend's behind and hurry back. You're missed.