Wednesday, February 13, 2008

the world is not always your oyster...


THE BRIEF: Create a character, give it a fear, then introduce it into a situation where it confronts and conquers that fear...



THE STORY:

Geoffrey stared at the slimy, grey ball of muscle on the fork, attempting to vanquish his total disgust through sheer force of will. He noticed a sliver of nacre, its appearance iridescent through a subtle trick of light, embedded in his thumb; an injury sustained in opening the oyster’s shell only minutes before. Geoffrey brought the slimy, grey ball closer to his face, its horrid image blurring as the focal length corrupted. Seemingly transformed into the eye of some tiny Cyclops, the slimy, grey ball returned Geoffrey’s stare.
‘You can’t eat me. You’ll never eat me,’ it hissed.
This time his slippery little opponent was badly mistaken, thought Geoffrey, only semi-convinced of his latest strategy’s chance of success but determined not to show even the slightest sign of weakness.
‘You can’t do it, Geoffrey. You know I’m still alive, you haven’t got the stomach for this type of savagery. You’ve never had it, Geoffrey.’ The slimy, grey ball was mocking him now. ‘I’m watching you, Geoffrey…’
With his free hand, Geoffrey slowly and deliberately picked up the pre-cut wedge of lemon, holding it gently but purposely in a position where the slimy, grey ball could best observe it. The Cyclops eye continued to stare, apparently unfazed by any citric threat on Geoffrey’s part.
Standoff.
Suddenly, the slimy, grey ball of muscle appeared to tremble on the end of the fork, though in reality Geoffrey suspected the true cause might have been his own shaky hand. No matter, at last he’d realised what the lemon was for and with a single-minded brutality he never knew he had, Geoffrey took aim at his nemesis and squeezed his fist tightly.
‘Let’s see you watch me with this in your eye, Cyclops…’


ONE OF THE COMMENTS (Miriam):

'As someone who despises oysters I found this difficult to read...'

Yes, well I hate the idea of killing whales but I managed to slog my way through 'Moby Dick', you silly cunt.

'...Why, if Geoffrey hates oysters, is he bothering to force himself to eat one ?'

Because it's my fucking piece and I said so and it's vital to the tag-line, which you'll find at the end of the story, if you're brave enough to push through your distate for oysters and read what I've written, you silly cunt. Why did your fuck-boring character go to the local supermarket to buy fuck-boring mangoes when she knew her fuck-boring ex might be there with his fuck-boring new fuck-boring girlfriend ??

'...some lovely imagery though and your personification of the oyster is marvellous...but the ending is confusing. Does Geoffrey throw the lemon at his enemy...'

He squirts juice in its eye, Miriam !!! The metaphorical eye that I took great pains to craft. The eye that isn't really an eye, except for the purpose of the gag, to squirt the lemon in its fucking eye Miriam...even though I know that's not really what the lemon is for, you silly, silly, cunt...

36 comments:

Jayne said...

Ooooh big words Fingers.....('vanquish/iridescent') you're obviously aiming for high marks. Not a bad bit of writing. Where'd you nick it?

fingers said...

Jayne: If the other Hells Angels find out you can read they'll kick you out of the club...

Me said...

I like your comments better than your drivel.

fingers said...

Me: So do I, jerkoff...

Mone said...

what a lovely story on valentines, love your oysters fingers :)

electro-kevin said...

An oyster IS NOT AN APHRODISIAC - I repeat IT IS NOT !

It's just that a fanny looks much more appetising after one of those.

nudeman40 said...

I liked and followed it. My eye started to hurt from the lemon. Fuck them cunts. I think you are good...

Kaisa said...

I liked the story, was really good, personally I can't stand oysters... tried eating one once... there was a lot of staring involved between me and the oyster first. AN they do mock you!liked your story

Bo Bo said...

Fucking brilliant.
Have you previously completed other writing courses or is this you’re first?

As for Miriam & Celia,
I’d develop Tourette’s

Kitty said...

Hmmm. Who are these people please?

As for Mirium, is the bitch good looking with massive bongos? I hope so, for her sake, cause fuck she sounds like a retard.

Good writing, but you know that already Smoopie.

xxx

Kitty said...

Electro- if you are after something that underscores the appeal of a cunt, why not suck a cock for five minutes?

That tends to work for meeeeeeeee.

Keshi said...

great post!

I luuuurve Oysters btw :)

Keshi.

fingers said...

Mone: Like The Massacre, it was just a coincidence it happened on Valentines Day.

E-K: I've seen some pussies that made me wish I'd had a lemon to squirt in my own eye.

nm40: I'd like you to write the forward for my upcoming novel.

kaisa: Like many distasteful things, the best way to do it is just swallow.

BoBo: This is my first course. Guess I'm just gifted, eh.

Kitty: What people ?? Did you even read my story...

Kitty said...

i was talking about the new people.

i get nervous in crowds of new people.

i think i might go hide for another month or two.

fingers said...

Kitty: You call five minutes a blow job ??

Keshi: Me too. Grab a bag of lemons and I'll meet you at the oyster bar in 30 minutes.

Kitty: Like Waldo...

Steph said...

Haaaaaahaha! I liked this one. Who woulda thunk you could actually write?

fingers said...

Steph: Who'd a thunk you could read...

unique_stephen said...

Eat Oysters
ewwwwww. I think I'd rather catch cat aids. They look just like herpes complex type 2

Jayne said...

I was the wench of a Hells Angel some 35yrs ago Fingers......today, I'm a grandmother that rides a Harley.
As for the oysters, they're slippery little fuckers hey.......especially when you have to force 'em down a 2nd time, yuk!

Ms Smack said...

I think it's fucking brilliant!

Those comments are retarded!

And for the record, I hate oysters and this was so well written, it made my nose wrinkle. Very descriptive!

Steph said...

I can't read, I have a manservant who reads and comments for me. Twatface!

That was him calling you a twatface not me, btw.

fingers said...

US: From what I understand you're quite a good chance to catch cat aids.

Jayne: That's so cool. What are you riding these days, Grandma??

Smack: Why thank you. Truth be told I'm uncomfortable writing this sort of stuff. It feels insincere, as though I'm satirising the very writer I'm trying to be. I think I'll leave the exploration of beauty and emotions to those who appreciate it and have them.

Steph: Blow me. Ah, see that feels so much more natural...

travistee said...

Poor, poor Fingers. You're a literary Gulliver in the land of the little folks, it appears...

Arcturus said...

Hi Fingers,

While I don't have any astute literary critique of your oyster story, I just wanted to thank you for your comments on my blog. I replied to them in that entry, but let me just say that (1) political comments are always welcome, and (2) an impactor would arrive at more like 20 km/sec, and 1 mile wide is about an ideal size. Bigger than that and it starts causing real long term problems for general survival of our species.

Aside from that, I've taken the liberty of adding you to my blog roll.

travistee said...

I love oysters btw. I don't care if they're an aphrodisiac or not. I'll suck them down all night long. Crackers and tabasco and lemon or not.

Keshi said...

woohoo! :)

Keshi.

fingers said...

Trav: Yes, but luckily it's the same here in BloggoLand so I'm used to it.

Arcy: I'm thrilled to be on your blogroll. In fact I think my belly-buton just popped with excitement.

Travis: I wonder what makes oysters horny ??

Keshi: Don't go taking over the comment section with your outrageously lengthy outbursts...

Arcturus said...

That wasn't your belly button popping. It was you passing a kidney stone. Now you know how the oyster feels.

fingers said...

And sadly my kidney stones are also cast before swine...

travistee said...

Belly buttons don't pop, you anatomically-challenged Finger you...

fingers said...

Mine does.
And then I have to put it back in with a special golden screwdriver, otherwise when I stand up my ass falls off...

electro-kevin said...

It is a very good piece of writing, actually.

A squirt of lemmon in the old 'one eye' was a great tactic. But as you freely admit - molluscs don't have eyes.

Why didn't you just kick it in the bollocks instead ?

Madam Z said...

My bellybutton pops too! My ass hasn't fallen off yet, but can you tell me where to find that "special golden screwdriver," just in case?

fingers said...

E-K: I have no idea what to say about that.

Z: I found it attached to my belly-button by a golden chain...

unique_stephen said...

its one of the risks of getting so much pussy

Effortlessly Average said...

You know, every time I see a picture like that one, I'm reminded of the woman I met in Costa Rica that year.... and I shiver with latent horror....