Sunday, May 18, 2008

a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it...

So anyway…’The Brain’ went off to find some rope, while I foraged around in the back garden for a suitably heavy rock to weigh down the corpse. Ten minutes later we were hovering over the unquestionably dead hooker, deciding how best to attach the rock to her frail, little body. It was taking us a great deal of time to get the rock placed, which was just as well, because as we propped her up to try sticking the rock under her t-shirt…she coughed.
‘Jesus Christ, Fingers…she’s still alive.’
At this point I wasn’t sure whether ‘The Brain’ regarded this as good news or not, half-expecting him to turn into Freddie Krueger any second and produce an axe to finish the job.
‘Fucking hell, Brain…if we’d gone ahead with your stupid plan, we’d have actually been responsible for killing her. If they ever found the body and determined there was water in the lungs we’d be charged with murder, you cunt.’
'Well, you’re the one who said she was dead already.’
‘I’m STILL not a coroner, you fuckwad.’

As the wave of relief swept over us, an agreement was reached that the hooker had to leave the house…since neither of us were terribly convinced she wouldn’t die at some stage in the near future. Luckily for all concerned, The Royal North Shore Hospital was just a few minutes drive away. We hatched a meticulous plan to leave her in front of ‘Casualty’ where she’d be safe, so to that end we wrapped her in a blanket, carried the young lady down to the garage and opened the door.
‘Fuck, fuck, fuckety, fuck, fuck, fuck…I forgot the Jag’s fucked…we’ll have to take ‘The Scary Bobmobile.’
‘Oh brilliant.’
‘The Scary Bobmobile’ was a jet-black 600 SEL Mercedes, with ‘BOB’ number plates and nuclear-flash-white-walled tyres; possibly the non-stealthiest vehicle in the whole of Sydney. Still, we had few options (other than the many obvious, civilized, sensible ones) so we rolled the hooker-in-a-blanket into the boot (she was still at risk of throwing up), drove carefully over to the hospital, past the busy front doors, round the side to an unlit emergency door…and propped the now-semi-conscious body up against the wall.
We then drove out the other side of the hospital grounds, found a phone booth and called the hospital to let staff know there was a patient waiting for them outside. On the way home, ‘The Brain’ and I congratulated each other on taking the honourable course of action; we’d saved a life, we were possibly heroes…perhaps we’d both get a medal some day.
As we drove back to the house it started to rain, gently at first but then all of a sudden it was bucketing down, as only it can over on The North Shore, where it sometimes feels like God is trying to pour The Pacific Ocean on it through a sieve…

To be continued…

46 comments:

Jen said...

You mean there's more? What else could have gone wrong that night? Don't keep us in suspense too long this time! We're not getting any younger....some of us more than others.....

Keshi said...

so what happened next..the rain killed her? LOL!

Keshi.

Fusion said...

We're not getting any younger....some of us more than others.....

I'm almost 49...

Hurry...

fingers said...

Jen: It's literary foreplay. Other story tellers might just pull down your pants, bend you over the library railing and yell 'The End' but not me. So lie back and enjoy it.

Keshi: No silly. That only happens in those Sri Lankan horror movies like 'Monsoon Over Colombo'.

Fusion: Well don't go keeling over yet, Grandma...or you might find yourself in the boot of my blog...

Jen said...

When you put it like that, I'll now lie back and let you take your time.

nudeman40 said...

I was a little let down that she got away with out some kind of "deposit" of DNA to involve the brain at a later date...We all know his DNA is on record...

Jayne said...

There's gotta be CCTV footage involved somewhere Fingers.......you ain't off the hook yet I bet!

Steph said...

You are kindness personified.

xl said...

"literary foreplay"

Fingers, perhaps story interruptus? Nice touch having the cars as characters as well.

EmmaK said...

warms the cockles of my heart this does. Look let's call a spade a spade, you didn't even check if this woman was dead by well okay how do you check someone's dead.... okay then, why didnt you just dump her at the hospital and phone them to check if she was dead ...rather than attach a rock to her body and get ready to toss her over a bridge...and then 'get lucky' that she coughed. I mean fucking hell fingers don't you feel guilty that you were a hair away from murder?

p.s. i think this is made up otherwise you are a well, a v disturbed young man

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers....it's developing wonderfully. That brain...Um, he's more like Freddo (I'm smart...not like they say) Corleone. Ha!

You know I'm glad the hooker didn't die. She has so much to live for, you know.

I can't wait to see when Scary Bob gets in the picture. Oh and may his two deceased wives (here's where I do the sign of the cross) rest in peace. I'm sure he's still grieving.

ciao babes...I love it. Got to go it's Monday and lots to do.

Fanny F said...

What happened to Tania?

fingers said...

Jen: Much appreciated. And could you make some enthusiastic noises every now and then.

NM: This was Lane Cove...not Lakemba.

Jayne: It was 1980; there weren't even mobile phones yet. Look, they may well have had some primitive CCTV at RNSH but we never heard back from anyone after we dropped her off.

Steph: I'd have definitely interfered with your remains given half the chance, baby. Grrrr...

XL: Sadly, we did actually have names for all those things back then. 'Scary Bob' had a magnificent 47' Hatteras cruiser which he proudly called 'Huntress'. Guess what we called it ??

Emmak: Darling, this all happened pre CSI/NCIS/House. We weren't terribly sophisticated about those things back then. We had a dead body as far as we knew and we made a decision about what to do with it. Luckily for everyone she wasn't dead and we found that out in time. That's the whole point of the story. And it all happened ten years before 'Weekend at Bernie's'.

Spiky: Hard to imagine things got worse than they were already...but they did.

Fanny: She was fast asleep downstairs, oblivious to eveything going on around her...

travistee said...

I like the suspense, you charming storyteller. I'm a delayed gratification kind of gal.

Keshi said...

haaaaaaaha monsoon over colombo!

No one dies from the rain in SL..only from bombs. And thats the saddest part.

Keshi.

Kitty said...

emmak- you are right he IS disturbed. but he sure ain't young.

Hey Fingesr, did you totally call the car Cuntress?

Did ya? Did ya? Am I right???

Aaaaaaaaaaam I? Tell me.

fingers said...

Trav: You believe me, don't you ??

Keshi: What about ferries ??

Kitty: Of course not. Why would you think that...

Kitty said...

no reason.

Steph said...

So...........you didn't root her?

sparsely kate said...

You put a woman rolled up in the carpet in the boot??!?!

If this is true and you guys really did this I am SO not listening to any of your advice about anything ever again. All that talk about integrity. Ha!

fingers said...

Kitty; Write out one million times 'I must not say shit without a reason' and post it on Steph's BB blog.

Steph: No. I presume this is where your attention starts to wane, Blondie.

Kate: BLANKET !!! We wrapped her carefully in a blanket. We didn't roll her up in a carpet. Are you watching 'Underbelly' or something...

Jen said...

Ooooh,Fingers....yeah baby...oh,right there...more...don't stop....more..Fingers, your are the best...aahh....

How's that?

Mr Pineapples said...

Boll-Erks

Les Miserable said...

OK...so its raining...I know...you can't get the electric sun-roof to close can you? They were good those old Benz.
I'm enjoying the story mate but its a long time between drinks.

Keshi said...

dunno abt ferries but u hv alot of 'sexplaining' to do in my current post!

Keshi.

Ms Smack said...

oh my ... there was CCTV at the hospital that had captured your rego number?

Tantalising story. Sounds like a bunged up Aussie film from the 70's with Bryan Brown in it.

Waiting in suspenders for the next instalment......

mutleythedog said...

Lemme guess - a 'genui-ine' nutter did for her later in the evening?

Bad Bob said...

WTF? I left a comment, but it didn't show....

So how scary is Scary Bob? He must have had you guys in a wad, at least when sober.

In the 80s they probably didn't have security cameras, so that wouldn't be an issue. Somebody there might have noticed Scary Bob's car though. Then there is the Jag..
Was she like a pet and found her way back "home"?
Still, I'm ready to party with you guys.

electro-kevin said...

I sincerely HOPE it's bloody well made up !

Steph said...

The girl in question was Tania Zaetta wasn't it.

fingers said...

Jen: Perhaps some commentary pertaining to my font size would be nice.

Mr P: Well done. I've been hoping for a better class of commenter for ages.

Lombay: That would have been the least of our upcoming problems.

Keshi: That's dangerously close to spruiking, baby. This is not a billboard.

Smack: Um.........nope.

Mutley: Um.........nope.

BB: Bob was scary but he wasn't bad like you, motherfucker.

E-K: Um...........nope.

Steph: Um..........yes. And she says 'hello' and hopes to give you a run for your money at this year's Cowra Codger-Rooting Contest...

Jen said...

Your font is perfect, Fingers. Not too big, not too small, and you know just how to use it.
Font me,baby,font me hard.

sparsely kate said...

Hahaha at Steph! Funny!

Steph said...

I could never beat her. She roots for Australia after all and has the army behind her.

Behind her! Geddit? Haaaaaaaa!

Tom Gaylord said...

lol you're still a loon.... How goes it mate!?!

Fanny F said...

The Merc is starting to go rusty. It's been out in the bucketing rain for over a week now ..

Regulus said...

Hi Fingers,

Sorry I haven't been by your blog in a while. These true-life crime story entries of yours, however, confuse me because I don't know if they really happened or not. I'm a terrible literalist.

Thank you for your recent comments on my blog, esp. the one about the artist and the street clown. I really enjoyed that one. It meant a lot.

As for the one about no gay TV weathermen, all I have to say is either things are VERY different in Australia or you aren't paying attention. Male TV weathermen in the U.S. are almost de rigeur gay.

Yay.

fingers said...

Jen: Thank you. I was considering a font-lift but after those kind words I think I'll spend the money on a water ski now.

Kate: Don't feed the strays.

Steph: Yes, champagne comedy there. *This is all your fault Kate; you encouraged her*.

Tom: Mate, I thought you'd gone for good. I had to recruit another gay reader to keep my government subsidy.

Fanny: And your finger must be crinkly after being in that guy's mouth for 3 weeks but you don't see me whining. Pull your finger out and blog something, tart.

Reg: Hey, have you met Tom yet ?? It's become quite a scene in here these days. Funnily enough, we don't get alot of US weather segments down here. Sitcoms yes, sport yes, movies yes...but we don't get the weather...

One Man’s Opinion said...

Wow, that was pretty good.

sparsely kate said...

And now Fingers it is time to finish off the rest of your story (no pun intended) because I am mid-cycle and my mood is elevated and there is no chance of me crying, wailing or the gnashing of teeth about two blokes, a chick and a blankie in the boot.
But quick! I'll be on the down-hill slide in about a week I reckon.

cat said...

Mr. Fingers, We are waiting and waiting......"fingers tapping, legs crossed and bouncing foot" Please, you have us hanging by our finger nails on this one.

Notice all the references to your fingers?

I have noticed they or you are quite the popular one.

Mr. Fingers, you are a great story teller, even all the way over here in the States. You have a large following.

Kitty said...

please...please....pleeeease don't make me visit a BB blog. steph is bangin' hot and all that...but nobody is hot enough to entice me into Big Bullshit Brother land

confession

...i fucked up last night and turned on the idiot box to watch a filum and it opened at - dum dum duuuuuuum- chazzie 10!!!

i saw blonde idiot talking to dog and immediately pounced on the remote to make it stop. then i noticed she was quite fuckable, so i...i listened to her stupid crap-talk for about 15 seconds and perved at her thighs and wanted to see up her skirt...

then i cried and felt dirty.

travistee said...

...foot tapping...

fingers said...

OMO: Well, thanks and welcome. Spread the word amongst the brothers. It would be nice to be an iconic blogger in the black community as well as a hero to my gay readers.

Kate: Funny you should mention downhill slides.

Cat: And thank you Cat. I'll be pouncing on your blog shortly too.

Kitty: You're at home today watching porn, arent you, baby ??

Trav: Sorry, I've been so busy giving advice on other peoples' blogs I've barely had time to attend to my own needs...

Tom Gaylord said...

subsidy? where's my piece? who are you calling gay!?

Kitty said...

yes...i am.