Wednesday, May 28, 2008

surely things couldn't get w*rse...

The windscreen wipers could barely cope with the sheer volume of water being deposited on the car. We crept home at a snail’s pace, past flash floods, past urban waterspouts created when the torrents accumulating in gutters would meet an obstruction such as a parked car. It was quite surreal, although the joint we were smoking probably didn’t help make things any more realistic either?
Finally we arrived back at Lane Cove, which is where things began to go terribly wrong again. ‘Scary Bob’ had built his mansion on a highly elevated block, which meant the place had an almost impossibly steep driveway; steep and long. As kids we used to shit ourselves trying to skateboard down it in one piece.
No one had ever made it in one run but plenty of skin had been left on the surface in the attempt. Where the driveway met the horizontal pavement on the street, the angle was so severe that a car would need to come to a complete halt before crossing it or risk bashing the front bumper bar on the upslope.
‘The Brain’, well-rehearsed in this maneuver, did precisely the right thing and we began our ascent. The driveway stretched out before us and after each pass of the wiper over the windscreen, we’d have a brief glimpse of the river of water cascading down the ramp towards us before the whole scene became blurred again. ‘The Brain’ pressed gently on the accelerator and ‘The Scary Bobmobile’ reluctantly started to move forward. No more than five kph could be achieved without the risk of spinning the wheels, so it was going to be a long, slow climb.
We got well past the halfway point, doing just fine, when ‘The Brain’ lost patience and tapped on the gas a little too hard. The old Mercedes, with just one rear drive-wheel, suddenly lost traction and began to slow.
‘The Brain’ hit the panic button and the accelerator all in one smooth move, gunning the engine and causing the drive-wheel to lose whatever little traction it already had. With all the noise from the pounding rain and revving engine, we’d lost our visual bearings and had become totally oblivious to the fact we were no longer moving forward. We had begun to backslide down the driveway, almost imperceptibly at first but rapidly gathering speed as gravity began to act on our two-and-a-half tonne car.
‘Fuck ‘Brain’…use the handbrake!!!’
‘It’s OK, I know what I’m doing.’
‘The Brain’ pressed the pedal to the metal and we accelerated even more quickly in reverse, now going faster downhill than we were previously going uphill, so ‘The Brain’ ripped on the handbrake. This eventually slowed us down, primarily because by applying the rear brakes, we effectively had no steering and slewed sideways into the driveway’s side-wall.
‘Fucking great Fingers…now look what you’ve done.’
‘Me? You’re the cunt driving. I told you to hit the handbrake before we started moving too fast. You just locked up the steering, cunt.’
The sandstone blocks did a tremendous job of washing off both our car’s speed and its paintwork; the grinding of metal on rock was excruciating. Meanwhile we were still going backwards. ‘The Scary Bobmobile’ was more of a ‘Scary Bobsled’ now…
Suddenly, to our great relief the car seemed to bounce off the wall, however the relief was short-lived as we began to re-accelerate, gaining speed a lot faster than either of us anticipated.
‘Fuck!!!’
‘Fuck!!!’
We slid all the way to the bottom of the driveway, the rear bumper ploughing into the level footpath as we passed over it, then shot across the roadway before ‘The Brain’ stomped on the footbrake and brought the car to rest in the middle of the street.
‘Are you OK, Brain?’
‘What? Of course I’m OK. It was hardly a high-speed accident, you cunt. The car’s fucked though. We’re fucked. We’re so fucked.’
‘Us?’
‘Yeah…us. You’re part of this too, Fingers.’
‘I don’t think so Brain.’
‘Yeah well we’ll see about that. Fuck…we have to get this fucking car off the street.’
Whilst arguing the blame, we hadn’t noticed that ‘The Scary Bobmobile’ had stopped running. ‘The Brain’ tried the ignition but nothing happened. As we found out later, when the rear bumper bottomed out, the impact had apparently crushed the exhaust pipe flat, much like placing a potato on it and effectively blocking the engine’s airway. We got out of the car and surveyed the damage. It looked as though the ‘Scary Bobmobile’ had been through a carwash equipped with angle-grinders instead of brushes on one side. There were deep gouges in every panel running the entire length of the chassis. The driver’s door-handle had been completely ripped off.
‘Gee, that should buff right out, Brain…’
‘Fuck.’
‘Yeah…it’s over for you, mate.’
In the still-pouring rain we pushed the ‘Scary Bobmobile’ to the kerb, parked its sorry ass, locked it and scurried upstairs to our lair to ponder the catastrophe…


To be continued…

61 comments:

Kitty said...

could one apply something other than a potato to have the same blocking effect?

or is it specifically a potato?

fingers said...

Kitty: The potato is the customary blocking device, although I'm guessing you're wondering if you could get your lips round an exhaust pipe...

Kitty said...

i don't have any potatoes! i have an apple. will that work?

Keshi said...

** Lane Cove

lol r ya serious??

Keshi.

xl said...

"deep gouges in every panel"

Ouch. The vehicular mayhem continues!

Josh said...

The image of you on a skateboard with a skinned knee is priceless.

The brain sounds like the sort of trouble that has you wondering if the risks of friendship outweigh the fun and chaos.

Jen said...

I'd be reassessing 'the brain' as a nickname, if I were you. It seems as though 'the goose' may be more appropriate.

Kitty said...

The Brain is an ironical nickname! like calling me Old Ho Bag...oh no, no that isn't right....

uuuuum....

sparsely kate said...

Going backwards down a steep driveway is one of my biggest fears ( apart from raging deep waters and the bathroom scales) so half way through this story I was chewing my fingernails off.
A few of my friends have lived on steep drives and I always make a point of letting me out of the car before they go up, and getting picked up on their way back down.
I can't remember your story after the driveway. Oh! Ok, so you stuffed the car up in torrential rain. Sounds like a bad, bad night and I wonder what the moral of the story will be?

Don't live on a hill?

Fusion said...

...and I wonder what the moral of the story will be?

Don't drive with a brain?

sparsely kate said...

fuse: (high slap) funny!

Lilith said...

ooer, Scary Bob's gonna be mad as hell....:-)

cat said...

When I think it can't get any better, it does.

Scary Bob, oh shit, I must hide.

Bad Bob said...

I hope you guys had a friend that worked at a body shop (smash repair?). Even so, I'll bet there wasn't enough time to fix both the Merc and the Jag.
Had the hooker shown up from the hospital by then?

EmmaK said...

Can't wait for Scary Bob to turn up and crush your testicles with his bare hands!

Jayne said...

Gawd Fingers, when you fuck things up, you really put time & effort into it! I'm with Cat on this - just when I think it can't get any better, it does!
You're still alive to tell the tale of how it all ended, but then we haven't seen your scars........:-)

Fanny F said...

"Scary Bobsled"

Ha, ha, I love it!

fingers said...

Kitty; It will as long as you don't plan on making chips with it afterwards.

Keshi: Yes, Lane Cove. Is that funny or what ?? WTF ???

XL: Yeah, you would have to think we'd hit rock-bottom by this stage, wouldn't you ??

Josh: We had those lethal little 'Surfy Sam' boards in those days too. With really wobbly trucks and a tendency to lock up if you turned too sharply.

Jen: We would have called him 'The Cunt' but that wasn't really acceptable back then.

Kitty: Oh right. That makes sense now. Thanks, baby.

Kate: Always nice to be present for the birth of a new phobia.

Fusion: So far I don't think anyone has learned anything they didn't already know was a bad idea.

Lilllllith: We have only just begun to unravel Scary Bob's peaceful existence. keep watching.

Cat: Ditto.

BB: The fleet had been pretty well grounded by now. Without ruining the ending, I believe the Merc was off the road for 3 months when it did finally get repaired.

Emmak: Scary Bob is blissfully unaware of the carnage, currently having boat drinks somewhere in The Whitsundays.

Jayne: I honestly believe good shit like this happens to me because I have a gift and a love for retelling it (blushing).

fanny: Hehehe...yeah I thought that was a goodie too...

electro-kevin said...

I think Kitty missed your exhaust pipe gag, Fingers. It wasn't wasted on me.

Was there any chrome left on it ?

Just interested.

fingers said...

E-K: Oh dear, someone is about to cop it from and angry Kitty Kat. There won't be much chrome left on your barrel when she sees that comment...

sparsely kate said...

"Without ruining the ending, I believe the Merc was off the road for 3 months when it did finally get repaired".


Fingers, I think you just ruined the ending!

Steph said...

Something about cars and the rain? Highly entertaining I'm sure.

fingers said...

Kate: Not really. The Merc takes no further part in proceedings from here in.

Steph: Are you actually reading hese posts...

Steph said...

No, I skim them for sexual references then read the comments to figure it all out.

badkelly said...

I'm with steph.

Sexual references make the story better.

When does 'The Brain' tell you he is into men, and try to seduce you?

Let me know.

Kitty said...

E-K, i never miss a reference to fucking or sucking!

i simply chose to ignore it, cause his rerort was so desperately easy and smacked of Lazy Fucker, it was beneath him.

he is capable of far better.

p.s. i de-chromed his "manly" vespa months ago y'know...

Kitty said...

rerort = retort

Regulus said...

I've not been able to post a pithy comment on this blog since this tortured, multi-part, horror-thriller mini-series "Scary Bob, the Brain, and Fingers" debuted about six months ago ...

Just sayin,' Mr. Dundee

Ms Smack said...

OH god, I've done this as well on my exes drive-way, littered with leaves which made the grip almost impossible.

I was mostly worried that I'd wipe out the $700.00 Japanese maples that adorned the driveway edge.

I did go OFF the driveway, and ended up having to put planks of wood under my tyres to get back ONTO The driveway, all in the pouring rain.

Great post, mate

mutleythedog said...

There is a vehicle which is a cross between a boat and a car -you should get one of those... I am with Kitty by the way and we have got some potatoes but they are too big! What should we do now?

Keshi said...

lolllll! cos I know LC very well. :)

Keshi.

travistee said...

I don't know what happened to my post, but I'm just letting you know I am reading. I'm with Kate....a steep incline is about the freakiest thing I can imagine.

Les Miserable said...

Have you secured the film rights to this yet?

fingers said...

Steph: Tanks. I'll be sure to put the same effort into reading your blog from now on, Hemingway.

Kelly: Until I run out of creative ideas I'll continue to struggle with the desire to write about my sex life.

Kitty: You sound like every teacher I ever had at school.

Reg: That's pretty pith-poor.

Smack: Oh, Japanese maples are just about my favourite tree. You'd be my ex too if you killed one with a car, baby.

Mutley; There's an old Irish saying about what to do when life hands you large potatoes...but I forgot how it goes.

Keshi: Well perhaps you should go on Einstein Factor and make it your special subject.

Trav: Maybe the dog ate your post.

Lombay: No. The guy writing the screenplay is a real cunt...

Steph said...

Egads you can be a princess at times!
Go have a tablespoon of cement. I was joking you big sook!!

Somebody call the Whaaambulance.

fingers said...

Steph: What will power my universe once your ego burns itself out ?? Delirious much...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers...oh shit! Or should I say, the shit has hit the fan.

You and the Brain are in big trouble, mister. And Scary BOB...I don't think he's gonna like the new look of his car. You can call it modern art, but I somehow don't think he's into art.

What's there to ponder...run mother fuckers...run. Why even Forrest ran and he was not a smart man.

The way I see it Fingers...I know I would bust a cap into someone's ass...If I came home and found my 'Rolls' fucked up. Yo, but that's the way we roll in the hood of Beverly Hills...Oz may be a different place...but I still think you should run.

YEAH...peace out.

Ha. Fab work...I don't want to sound rapacious, but more please.
Ciao babes.

Steph said...

*Yawn*

UBERMOUTH said...

Fingers, would you please email me?
My address is on my site.
Ty

ANAlogic said...

Considering "The Brain's" gray matter supplies, it seems to me that a lobotomy could only improve things.It really couldn't get any worse for him.

fingers said...

Spiky: Poor 'Scary Bob'...his troubles have only just begun too. The last part of this story is quite frantic.

Uber: Hmmm...

Analogic: Welcome to TWG. One of the things we never say here is 'Things can't get w*rse'. We don't even type its name in full. Never challenge 'w*rse', coz 'w*rse' is always standing behind you when you say it and it screams 'What...you don't think it can get w*rse...well watch this, cunt'...

Kitty said...

oh noes! *clutches skirts and looks on hopelessly*

analogic said w*rse! w*orse! with no * in it!!...fark smoopie! that bad!!

i'm outta heeeeeeeeeere *runs away*

xl said...

Igor: Could be w*rse.
Dr. Frankenstein: How?
Igor: Could be raining.
[starts to pour]

Young Frankenstein

fingers said...

Kitty: Take two cheeseburgers and fries round to Analogic's blog and stand there and watch her eat them. No one will starve to death on my blog.

XL: That's always been one of my favourite sight gags in cinematic history...

Kitty said...

fingers, that is so out of ORDER. you should totally know better than to send me to analogic's blog with cheeseburgers and fries. the very thought of sending me to a 17 year old recovered (bravo) anorexic is totally evil and wrong.

and socially irresponsible.

and insensitive.

she is 17!! i'll get ARRESTED after she eats the burgers and i.....i eat heeeeeeeeeeeeeer.

baaaaaahahahahahahahaha. kitty loves jailbait.

ANAlogic said...

Kitty is more than welcome to come round with chips to my blog!
You can come as well if you like, fingers.
Tell you what.Everyone come round for a meal.I'll cook you pasta alla carbonara, ok?

You're right about the "w*rse" thing, come to think of it.However, there is one major flaw in your theory.Things can never, evr evr get w*rse if you yourself are "the brain".There is always a limit on how much cruelty life throws at you, and I think that being stuck with "the brain"'s I.Q. is enough already.
Surely nothing can be more awful than beign THAT thick!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Hey analogic...I want to go for a meal. I'll bring a salad and box wine, oh and soft drinks too. When is dinner up, ana?

Fingers would you like my peanut butter butler Carmichael to stop by on our way and pick you up? Plenty of room in the Rolls. No the brain can't come along...I've read what he does to nice cars.

Hey maybe kitty would like to come along too. Yes?

Ciao.

Kitty said...

i'm only eating egg whites and thin air this week people.

Keshi said...

Lane Cove as my special subject? LOL!

Keshi.

fingers said...

Kitty: You forgot 'tasteless'.

Ana: You don't think things can get w*rse for 'The Brain' ?? Hang on to your carbonara, baby.

Spiky: How about I just read about the spectacular sex you have on the dinner table when I drop by your blog.

Kitty: I'm only eating thin chicks this week.

Keshi: What would I have to say to make you not 'LOL' one day...:)

phishez_rule said...

The official result is that you're fucked. And when you're that fucked, you may as well just give up and live long and high until its over.

electro-kevin said...

Hey, buddy !

Slacking on the posting again.

Anyone would think you had more important things to do.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Finger...Mmm...kay. I'll post something. It's a true story...too. Like the one you're writing now. Kitty said it was true and I believe her.

I will post it this...my afternoon.

Ciao..

Kitty said...

i AM thin. you FUCKER.

Keshi said...

aww :(


Keshi.

Ms Smack said...

Fingers, play nice with Kitty.

fingers said...

Phish: Thanks, Chuckles.

E-K: I'm a bit busy doing the morning radio show this week.

Spiky: I'll go set my alarm to make sure I wake up in time.

Kitty: Don't YELL at ME, Porky.

Keshi:

Smack: Ok but then you have to stop slagging Steph off to me in private...

Ms Smack said...

You lying cunt. You better take that back!

fingers said...

Smack: 'Lying cunt' ?? That's fabulous !!! OK, in honour of the best put-down I've had in ages...I retract the comment, you snarky cow...

Kitty said...

i've abused you way better than that lately.

so has steph.

stop shit stirring you crusty old jizz guzzler or i WILL print your address, work location, mobile phone and full name on my retarded ghost town of a blog that no bastard ever reads anymore.

cause i'm faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

Ms Smack said...

Thankyou, possum.