I’m currently completing the final chapter of ‘The Brain’, however since every chick on the planet seems to have been swept away in the ‘SATC’ tidal wave, I might take this opportunity to have a moan.One of life’s greater tragedies was/is that I used to be married to a girl who was/is an absolute clone of Sarah Jessica Parker. They didn’t/don’t just look similar…they were/are fucking identical twins separated at birth. Same age, same body, same face, same legs, same bongos…same everything. And when I say identical, I mean identical on the days when SJP looks hot; when she’s got the straight hair happening and isn’t wearing a tartan mini-skirt with red knee-high socks.
Now I don’t carry much baggage from that period of my life (anymore), however the sight of SJP on every billboard, every magazine cover…and now every blog is unsettling. I didn’t mind it back then; it was way cool to be boning an SJP-lookalike. These days I wish I’d been boning one of the other ‘SATC’-chicks…maybe Miranda…since they don’t seem to get as much exposure on the movie promos.
‘SATC’ was launched in 1998, while the ex and I were living in Japan. I don’t think I even knew who SJP was back then, having never seen ‘Footloose’ or ‘Mars Attacks’, however the massive publicity campaigns accompanying the blockbuster new TV series soon changed all that. Suddenly everyone was saying, ‘Hey Fingers…do you realize that Sophy looks exactly like SJP?’
Yes…I did, although at that stage of our relationship, I was more concerned about her weeing in the fridge at night
It soon got to the point where Sophy and I would go out in Tokyo for a walk and get approached by young Japanese girls wanting SJP’s autograph. At first, Sophy would tell them to fuck off; she was a short-tempered chick…and quite shy deep down…but quickly she began to take a perverse pleasure in forging SJP’s signature and letting the Japanese girls think they’d met a TV star. Sophy spoke nearly-fluent Japanese, which almost none of the Japanese girls found strange…and she’d jibber away with them, giving out tidbits of juicy gossip about the show; what happened on the set, who was fucking who off-set, hinting at bizarre twists in upcoming episodes…
I would stand to one side, minding my own business, trying not to appear bored and attempting to piece together the gist of the conversations with my basic grasp of the language. To my untrained ears it sounded mostly like. ‘Nani…nani…nani…Carrie-san…nani…nani…nani…Blodelick-san…nani…nani…nani…chigau desu…’
Which in fact it was; I later discovered that the Japanese girls were usually asking why I (Matthew Broderick) looked so much older in real life than I did on screen.
CUNTS…
108 comments:
I was more concerned about her weeing in the fridge at night
I think it might have been a little more considerate for her to have weed in the ice cube maker, then you could have had some intriguingly flavored ice cubes to serve to guests.
also, this is an ace site:
http://www.sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com/
I think SJP looks awful. Sorry to dis your taste, man.
I went out with a Jane Seymour lookalike. Similar issues with autograph hunters.
http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2007/specials/beauties07/everyage/jane_seymour.jpg
The girl was a complete loon and used to beat me up. I stuck with her because I was beguiled by her beauty.
Like my new avatar ?
I can see that that would be kind of annoying - having the world focus in on a woman that reminds you of your ex-wife.
In a sort of same but not situation - I have the spitting image of MY ex-husband on the face of one of my son's. So I can't really get away with it and when he does that sneer and ooooooh man, how much I wish he didn't look so much like his Father.
I don't know what the answer to this is mr fingers - get some horse blinkers or something and ear muffs?
'luck with that!
you mean you didn't see l.a. story and honeymoon in vegas??
she was good in both, i've always been a fan.
for what it's worth, i think SJP is very sexy. no she isn't a conventional 'stunner' but so what? she has a bangin' body and looks better than the average person by quite a margin.
p.s. that horseface website is pure nastiness! i don't know what the people behind it look like but they are PURE UGLY on the outside. for shame.
Just wait, in a few more months the advertising for the DVD release will hit...
Better go find a cave for awhile.
Emmak: Hehehehe...you're not the first person to point that site out to me. It's funny how people try to cheer me up by basically calling my ex-wife a dog. Or in this case, a horse.
E-K: No harm taken, mate. I'm sure your wife is a hideous moose-pig too. Love the new avatar; very Obama.
Kate: Horse-blinkers ?? Is that just a creless Freudian slip or are you digging your spurs into my poor ex as well ??
Kitty: SJP is a bit hit/miss at times but when she looks good I think she's a hornbag. Disagree on the website though; it's just a harmless giggle. Brrrrrrrr.
Fusion: I'm just relieved that the huge success of 'SATC 1' won't tempt the producers into continuing the saga now that all the loose ends are wrapped up...
I can't wait until google spiders this post and it turns up in the tabloids that SJP pisses in the fridge.
yes you would like that it is harmless, cause you are renowned for being a C WORD.
der.
I’ve just come back from New York where it’s all SATC crazy mad. Thinking I will sit down to normality and see what Fingers has been up to, knowing he provides a great witty giggle at the best times and I have to read this vomit. What’s your next post going to be about? Big Brother?
Ahh it’s good to be back.
High five on bonking a billboard look-alike.
Last thing I bonked looked more like the Kung Fu Panda billboard.
I just had a very disturbing thought. My ex husb. just moved in with his new girlfriend who looks like a horse, in an attractive SJP sort of way. I wonder if he is having a leakage problem in his fridge.
Hey, look on the bright side. At least they thought you looked like Matt!
I blogged abt SATC and u didnt even comment. boooo!
Anyways I love SJP. She looks AMAZING for being 40+! And I totally dig that movie!
Keshi.
Everybody who disses SJP, plz imagine urselves looking like that at 40+. THANK YOU.
Keshi.
I reckon SJP is sexy - bodywise that is, but the face..........jeez Fingers, she's got every yiddisha mommas dream nose. I hope the ex Mrs Fingers didn't have the same conk on her. If she did, I'd refer you to a good optician.
As for looking like Matthew Bloderlick - well Fingers, I reckon you're more of the Bruce Willis type :-))
Fanny: Probably best to avoid the salad round there until you find out for sure.
Phish: Well, I was 7kgs lighter back then and sans filthy goatee, so it wasn't an impossible reach. Unlikely but not beyond the realm of the imagination.
Keshi: I did leave a comment. 'Love is to writing what alcohol is to texting.' Remember ?? I'll expect your apology in my inbox by close of business tomorrow. And if you think she looks good at 40, she was pretty damn hot at 30. I was one lucky Blodelick for a few years.
Jayne: Identical...right down to the beak. In fact the beak was the clincher. She didn't have the bump on the chin though, for which I was grateful...
You should have taken photos of her pissin in the fridge... you could have made a bundle with the tabloids!
Way to go... dropped the ball (so to speak, old man...) again.
is hanging shit all over a women you loved enough to marry the new black or wot?
FFS.
as for keshi's comments about bloggers at large (i point no fingers - hehehe) perhaps not being quite the immpeccably turned out success that SJP finds herself to be at 40 something, too bloody right love!
I agree Steph. In the book, he was a total asshat, and the first two seasons should have had us hating him forever. WTF was she thinking? Who would marry some asshole like that?
right on sista
now... don't look at my blog for a couple days. HA!HA!
You dated a horse? I swear whenever I saw SJP on tv, and a laugh was coming, I expected to hear a whinny.
And you were concerned about her weeing in the fridge? Damn. Maybe you should have thrown down more straw. Or perhaps picked a different room to board her.
Horses aren't animals that can be potty trained(or do you say"litter trained"?)-why were you worried when yur wife weed in the fridge if you were conscious of her equine nature?Which is rather noticable, if she lloks like SJP.
steph...babygirl...i'm defending SJP and/or sophy! - not that disgusting old festering flechering jizz-licker sleeze bag!
Plus...my vexed state is slightly exaggeramated for effect, y'know?....
hey, i have an excellent solution! show me your boobies.
:P
(P.S. Fingers is deeply hurted, he even cried a bit, so i e-blew him and he was happier)
Kelly: Is that how they taught you to earn a living at Redneck High ??
Kitty: Um...the new black ?? Darling, comedians have been doing the 'take my wife' routine since day one.
Steph: Yes, SATC must seem completely inane these days compared to socially relevant commentaries such as BB. You plank.
Kelly: Because of course we poor slobs never let hot chicks walk all over us, do we.
EA: If you lot keep dissing the ex, my Attack Kat will be here shortly.
Ana: Ditto. You've been warned.
Kitty: Sick 'em, Fang.
Steph: *sigh*...Kitty is simply pointing out the question of etiquette. That when I say Sophy was an EXACT clone of SJP, perhaps I might be offended if people call SJP a plain sort of nag. But that's OK, perhaps even you will acquire good manners with age some day...
Kitty; Stop helping me, you distemper-riddled old cum-bag...
fingers- no dear, i will not stop. i will continue to help you, relentlessly and without mercy, while ever it grates your delicate sensibilities to shredaroonies.
i'm your e-wife remember? one of my primary objectives is to irrirate the bejebus out of you.
i love you smoopie bear xxx
fingers- i am not Attak Katting STEPH. are you mad? i would NEVER choose you over steph.
she is Queen of Hot Land.
you silly man.
can we just stop talking about SATC, horses and exes pissing in the crisper, and get on back to brains and hookers and scary bob?
well, I know love is blind. SJP is pretty stylish but she's definately not pretty. I actually admire you for marrying a horsey girl ....shows you like getting your oats a certain way (ha ha)
You're all a pack of meanies! Poor old Fingers had himself a WIFE! A wife!! And you call her ugly.
Shame on you all. Can't you see the poor old man is distraught. Let him reminisce about his ex in peace. At his age, all he has are his memories.
You're all HORRIBLE!!
emma, you know something babes? i really admire your chutzpah and determination to say exactly what you think, no matter what! in FACT, you are tempting me to make a fairly blunt observation of my very own.
any minute now!!
kylie- you just got hotter. i am sliding off my ergonomic-marvel of an office chair as i type...
come here and let me stroke you, for being such a sweet girl.
kitty....I can't follow your line of reasoning. The vast majority of the world says SJP is plain/horsey...so I am not saying anything particularly blunt or revolutionary.
I myself am not always attracted to good looking people, ugly can be quite sexy sometimes. In fact my husband is pretty plain, so I am not being hypocritical by admiring Finger's lack of shallowness for marrying a minger.
*yawns*
OK...THAT'S ENOUGH !!!
Steph: Stop being silly, you adorable little thing. I know you haven't got a bad bone in your body...but if you did, I wish it were mine.
Kitty: I wish you'd never talked me into baiting Steph now. I'm totally ashamed of you.
Emmak: Here we go again...
fingers- do NOT shout at me, or you get no sucky sucky on your pink stick for an entire E-WEEK.
Kylie: Thank you. You're an angel. Obviously you're not the friend of Steph's I was rude to then. I wonder who it was ?? I knew you'd understand what it was like to have offbeat taste; you'd have to with a couch as ugly as yours.
Kitty: All this blood is on your paws now.
Emmak: I beg your pardon ?? My standards are almost impossibly high. It's quite likely that's why I'm still single. Well, that and my face...
there is nothing is on my either of paws lovey, except a little bit of wasabi in between the claws on my left, as i just went to morning tea and had some sushi rolls. i had to fight several fat chicks to get my share.
like i care about your opinion of my paws anyway. shaddup.
*flounces off not caring*
All: For the record, Steph's boyfriend is not a butt-ugly cow-head. I've seen his photo and he's a very, very, very handsome young man. I was simply trying to make a point.
On the other hand, Kylie's couch really IS hideous...
Well damn, that kinda puts me in a difficult position, ya know?
I mean, now whenever I'm flipping the channels and see SJP on the View or Live with Regis and The Vapid Blonde, I can't whinny like a horse or I'll be dissing your ex? Well, ok; I won't. And I'll jus thank god your ex doesn't look like Paris Hilton, cuz I refuse to stop refering to her as a cum dumpster.
Nothing like a bit of SJP tp bring out the hormones in the chicks - with all the e-bitching going on I scarcely feel it is safe to comment.
At least the j-chicks thought you looked like Mat Blodrick, just think, if you had a Julia Roberts lookalike peeing in your fridge they may have been satisfied that indeed, you did look like Lyle Lovett.
UniqueStephen- I've seen a pic of your wang. Very nice.
kylie, i have crotch-polished that couch personally.
it is cushioned a fair amount of kitty-loving and is now worth a small fortune as a result.
i'll sell on my blog and send you the proceeds via bank cheque cheque mmmmmkay?
i just need your home address and phone number.
Thanks Kilye, I keep my wang in top condition - see
Damn! Older than you look on screen? That could be scary. That's why I don't want my face on my blog.
Still to have a celebrity look alike sit on your face....
Would it make you feel better if I told you I can't stand SJP and refuse to see that damn movie?
** I'll expect your apology in my inbox by close of business tomorrow.
My 'deepest' apologies :) How deep d u wanna go?
*SJP
I like her. Nothing wrong with being super HOT at 40+. All u jealous mommmas awwww.
Fingers u dated a SJP-lookalike? that makes me wonder, r ya a Mr.Big lookalike? cos i like him.
Keshi.
You and Keshi need to get a room. When you do, can I watch? kthanxbai.
E-A: Aw, now see Paris is my embarrassing weakness. Well her and the WWE. I know she's a skank but I can't help it; she's the hottest chick on the planet.
US: On Koh Samui one year we drank complimentary Manhattans for a fortnight coz the bar owner thought he had a TV star in his establishment. He was telling everyone that Carrie would be in around 9pm...with some old dude. Cunts...I was 35 at the time.
Kylie: Fill out the Sugar Daddy Application Form and send it over to Cunt Point then.
Kitty: Do you really think anyone is ever going to believe we've had sex, you nutbag.
Kylie/US: My blog is not a tawdry tune-up joint for desperate singles.
BB: I'm on the hunt for a Gwynneth Paltrow lookalike these days.
Trav: Not really. This wasn't an ex-trashing post until the commenters got stuck in.
Keshi: Actually, I married SJP...just like in the movie, only it was in a registry in Tokyo, so not very romantic.
Kylie: Get your little bongos out, Captain Sook...
Question Fingers: Do you still keep the toliet paper next to the milk?
gwynneth paltrow...so what's the criteria, scrawny and blonde?
Cat: I'm single. I rarely have toilet paper these days.
Emmak: Bingo...
*tiptoes in and whispers politely*
That were a very funny post.
Marvelling at the motive and skill required for successful fridge weeing.
Now I will be going back to where I belong.
there is nothing better than a scrawny blonde.
the scrawnier and blonder the betterer, hey fingey?
want to get buy a dirty one later and goes halvies?
:P
Well that rules me out.
Fifi: Thank you...and welcome. My lovely ex also wet the bed every now and then...but I'm saving that post for later.
Kitty: There's only one scrawny blonde on my shopping list. Fyetch byatch.
Fanny: Get yourself an Abswing and some bleach and we're in business...
urrrrrrg!
So did u hv Sushi after that?
Keshi.
Keshi: Actually we went to Tokyo Disneyland and had churros.
Spiky: I needed a break from the story. So I took one. Coz, well, you know...it's my blog.
Kylie: I'm busy working to pay off my mortgage...
Fingers, are you aware that your fingery icon has gone? It's not there anymore!!
Maybe it's stuck up one of your blogging fan's bottom?!!
:)
Hope you and your digit come back soon!
Finger's finger got stuck in my abswing while he was helping me with the anal bleaching.
He's got nuffin! Lost his finger for real too by the looks of it.
I probably would have mistaken you for her 'older unidentified gay friend'
SJP has a slapped arse face.
Kate: Just gross !!!
Emmak: I want to finish 'The Brain' but I'm stuck in a rut. I can't finish stuff.
Fanny: It was actually her AssSwing.
Steph: Haven't you got an edition of 'News of the World' to edit or something, Scoop ??
(.)(.): If you use phrases like 'older unidentified gay friend' on TWG, you'll have every sword-swallower on Google rushing in here to gawk.
Tom: What kept you...
Hey Fingers, How are you? Sorry I haven't been by your blog in a while. I appreciate that you posted a comment on my Regulus blog. (My Arcturus blog is for political commentary, weather, and astronomy.)
Re. the thread of these recent entries, well, I'm not really sure what to say. I've never been sure if you're writing an actual novel or relating something that happened. And I have avoided "SATC" since the show first appeared and metastasized into a pop cultural hit.
What's with covering up the middle finger in your avatar? It can't be out of a sudden moral sensitivity to flashing others that digit.
im with reggies.
wtf?
Hey, if you need a hand with a new profile image, give me a shout.
x
Fingers is a techno wizard. Fact.
Baahahahahaha!!!!
Reg: Someone stole my avatar. Who would do a thing like that ??
Kitty: And where were you when this crime went down ?? You're supposed to be a Guard Kat.
Smack: Aha...you definitely have the IT savvy to have committed this act of e-thievery.
Steph: Why couldn't they have just stolen your comments instead...
did the dog chew your finger? it's all bandaged up.
poor fingers, are you having a hard time, love?
Fingers...(taps foot on wooden floor) What is going on here, mister? And what happen to your finger. It's a boo boo huh? Did someone hit you on the nose?
Hey I was being nice...I could have said. "Did someone kick you in the ass?" Um, I just did, huh? Clever me to get two lame jokes out like that.
Sorry babe...I was just trying to be part of the pack.
Really I just wanted to see if you had posted...I know, I know...it's your blog and you post whenever you want...I'll wait right over here by the nice boat. Hey you got any snacks and beer?
Yes...I'm bored and my secretary is off today. I wanted to tie blueberry muffins on her and chase her around the office for coffee break. I know what you're thinking...Spiky really likes muffins. Yes...I do.
later Fingers
LOL I suspect that the original owner of that image and knicked it back off the net!
I like your new one though.
:)
Funny you should say that, just had a huge fight with the boy about my comment section. Booooo!!!
and how abt some Japaneseyyy? lol!
Keshi.
come read my reply to u in my blog.
Keshi.
ty Kitty!
Kylie we dun need a room...we r not too fussy abt that :)
Keshi.
Kate: It's a silencer.
Spiky: I think you might want to tweak your meds a little.
Steph: Please don't use my blog as a promotional vehicle for yours. It's terribly disrespectful. I expect better from you...:)
Keshi: Ooooh goody, I'll be right there baby. I'm just trying to get rid of that pest Steph on my e-mail. You wouldn't believe some of the rubbish she goes on with at times...
What's happened to the finger, Finger's ?
They haven't censored you, have they ???
Do'h !
Okay. I've just read your visitor comments here.
I suppose your new finger has a vibrator in it for extra stimulation - for da laydeez ???
Remember to take it off when you brush your teeth.
OneHung is happy to report he's never seen a full episode of this show you refer to, and can't wait to miss it at the theater.
heyyy Stepher ;-)
Keshi.
E-K: It just appeared overnight...like a crop circle.
Steph: I thought that would get your attention. You're so adorable.
OH: Any danger of opening one of your blogs up to the general population, so I can come over there and make a mess...
"...like a crop circle"
Well played, Fingers!
fingers...I've done something very bad. I should be punished...like spanked or forced to mud wrestle a hot chick naked whilst everyone watched...Oh, wouldn't that be cool.
Oh...well anyway. I've tagged you. Come read. It's not that bad. It's a good excersize for bard/writers...and you are a bard/writer.
ciao babes...hey have a fab weekend.
XL: It's nice to play to an educated room sometimes.
Spiky: What ?? No one comes onto my blog and tells me I'm a bad writer. You're banned.
Steph: I see going brunette hasn't made you any smarter...
Hey, I got me some glasses too! That means I'm Waaaaaaaaaaay smarter than YOU!
'Fingers' crossed 102 comments!
Keshi.
Fingers, you goof. I said BARD/writer...not BAD/writer. You know like in story teller...poet
Oh hey...you are over 100 commnets...yay!
Ciao babe...am I really banned...or do I have to stalk you unbeknownst?
ciao babes.
Spiky: Oh, a bard/writer !!!
Well, in that case you're barned.
Now go to your stable or there's no hay for you...
WIFE -
Washing
Ironing
Fucking
Ect.
I guess the pissing in the fridge would be the ect..
"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately." - that cunt George Carlin. Now where's the rest of this frigging bullshit story before I lose interest and go off to Mountjoy's cine column clone.
Fingers: Waiting....fingers tapping, legs crossed with foot bouncing. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
Is The Brain still in a jar, Dr. Hfuhruhurr? Or maybe you can't publish the rest of the story until the court case is over?
hey mister...what do you mean there's no hay?
Oh well being barned is better than being banned...Hey where's all the hot cowboys?
ciao babes...
New post please. I can't look at that mug anymore...
All: Yes, I realise the last installment of 'The Brain' has been a long time coming but I have some fish that need frying. Or more specifically...an elephant...
So in other words, you got nuthin'?
Fingers crossed!
Keshi.
How is it possible, Fingers, that you are able to attract Rackorf and I can't?
Steph: Be quiet or I'll tell everyone it's you that lives in The Rocks.
Keshi: Thanx hun.
Reg: You have to sweet-talk the cunt...
Any clown would be able to figure THAT out. I'll give everyone your address if you keep this up!
Steph: That's a well-thought out threat given that I have full-face photos of you. Did you get your diploma of evil by SMS from Moron Universtity...
you are obviously verbally constipated....take a couple of horse laxatives and you'll soon get the creative juices flowing
Or just land that Elephant. How long can this take, man?
All: Fingers may be going for 200 comments here...
Emmak: Actually, I prefer using your blog to loosen my bowels.
Trav: It's tricky. She's engaged to another elephant. You know how those things can drag out.
XL: Like breaking the sound barrier.
Kate: It's nearly finished, Ms Ballbuster. Can I please have a two day extension ??
Steph: So you keep saying, Scoop...
:)
Keshi.
Thanks, glad to be of service, that almost makes me think there is a point to blogging!
my husband refers to blogging as 'mental masturbation' but it isn't really as there's never an orgasm
steph- i'm with you on elephant shagging.
enough already.
just do it,
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