Wednesday, July 09, 2008

beware the green eyed blogger...

I never really post entries concerning my love-life unless they involve incidents from the distant past. It’s never been my policy to chronicle a potential romance in real-time, on the net, in full view of my doting readers. Then again, it happens so rarely these days that it’s hardly a policy which needs to be set in stone…
Nevertheless, since I recently (and publicly) alluded to the fact that I’m currently hunting ‘The Elephant’, it seems more than a mere coincidence that I’ve begun receiving unsolicited relationship advice from complete strangers via e-mail. It seems as though some of my adoring fans are just a wee bit jealous…

‘Dear Fingers, do you know this woman (web link attached)? She lives in your neighborhood. She is much prettier than your girlfriend. You can talk to her and maybe she will agree to go on a date with you. I went with her last Saturday and it was lots of fun! Highly recommended!’ This terrific review apparently comes from Erin Mercy, however I think I recognize Kitty’s bisexual MO when I see it.

‘Dear Fingers, put your left hand and a tissue together. Send your girlfriend away for the night and check this out (web link attached).’ A generous offer supposedly from Carol Arnold, which as everybody knows is Sparsely Kate’s real name.

‘Dear Fingers, I came across you on Classmates.com. How have you been? I am awesome. I work for a video company these days and I am featured in many films on this site (web link attached).’ Nice try Marianne Bolger, but I went to an all-boy school. Besides, the whole e-stalking/movie-making scenario gives you away totally, Travistee.

‘Dear Fingers, so you thought you’d seen it all!? Don't be so positive! Your new girlfriend happened to get into another sex scandal yesterday. This one will exceed everything she’s done before. Here are some photos (web link attached).’ Esther Marcus is the super-sleuth responsible for this damning report but there’s only one woman evil enough to post other people’s photos on a website…eh Kylie.

‘Dear Fingers, do not leave your lady on a farm lonesome. She can replace you with beasts and you will be way out of the competition for the rest of your life. I learned it the hard way (web link attached).’ This ominous warning allegedly comes from someone named Herbert Donald, though given her last post, I suspect it’s the actually the handiwork of Emmak.

‘Dear Fingers, did you know your girlfriend was a tranny with a big, black cock (web link attached)?’ Signed Alison Weber. Oh sure, that completely fooled me, Smack.

‘Dear Fingers, your girlfriend has complained privately to me that your penis is too small to satisfy her. Here is the solution to your problem (web link attached).’ Well, at least Stephanie Shaw has the decency to sign her own name to this litany of deceit; however I know she’s lying about ‘The Elephant’ complaining about it…because the byatch hasn’t even let me fuck her yet…

73 comments:

unique_stephen said...

Aww fingers - how about a hug, come here, there there. All those nasty bloggers are bullying you.

Now harden the fuck up.

Kitty said...

kermit? of you and dumbo?

not!

you know wot else old man? i'm not going to let you fuck me anymore!

when i visit cunt point, I'm going to still make you pick me up at the airport with your girlie scooter, annoy the shit out of you by talking about all my problems for three days solid, make you pay for everything, take all your drugs, smoke all your fags, leave the bathroom door open at night so that your stupid cats play in the shower and break all your idiotic dinosaur fossil plants or whatever they are and make sure the only thing your prehistoric body feels is REGRET for dissing The Phat Kat on your STOOOOPID BLOG.

Kitty said...

it will be JUST LIKE we are married!

baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha

suck it.

Fanny F said...

Ah. So that is why you need a new frypan that will cook 4 eggs at once.

unique_stephen said...

oooo - so fingers has a wollemi - now i am jealous.

xl said...

"JUST LIKE we are married!"

Ms Kitty: Don't let Fingers convince you to use the fridge for nighttime potty trips!

EmmaK said...

actually, about transexuals, does it scare you that if you have screwed quite a lot of ladies (as I imagine you have because you are pushing 50) that you have probably slept with a guy sans cock along the way? And before you say, I would have known it was a bloke because of his Adam's Apple, there is an operation called Chondrolaryngoplasty to remove it. Food for thought eh? ever had a 'woman' who said she couldn't naturally lubricate and needed KY?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Finger: Don't flip, but I didn't know you had a g/f as...well as you have said, you never blog about it. And that's cool and all, but I was wondering if maybe you were gay.

Calm down...I said don't flip. The thought of you being 'Bi' occured too. Hey, it's not a bad thing. Anyway...I think it's awesome that you get love advice from those that love you. I would send love advice too...well because I think you and I have something in common...the love of women. Um, and whisky if you drink that stuff too.

YES...maybe a tall beauty wih raven hair or a blond with a Hollywood magazine smile, a beautiful face, dangerous curves, kissable lips and legs that you just want to climb every single time you set your eyes on her. Oh and a rack that says...come to momma.

My love advice to you is...don't recite Shakespeare's Hamlet, she'll only call you a cunt and tell you to fuck off. :)

fingers...good luck on the hunt. :D

Kelly said...

Seriously I'm a fucking moron... What? When? Who?

You have a girlfriend? what?

fingers said...

US: That's rich coming from someone who writes eulogies for spiders.

Kitty: How do you plan to get past my new 'LoonGuard' security system ??

Fanny: No, the cats like omelettes on Sunday mornings.

US: I'm not even going to ask.

xl: Please don't feed the loons.

Emmak: Bothered. It's like the 55 spiders I'm supposed to have swallowed in my sleep statistically. You seem to know an awful lot about the subject though. Food for thought, eh.

Spiky: No worries, baby. I still maintain you're a 15 year old boy with a vivid imagination. Ciao.

Kelly: It's like anti-world. I have a chick and you're single. Still, I'm sure it won't last long...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers: ha...I remember the time you said that. It was a year ago. So that should make me a 16 year old boy with a vivid imagination.

You can't wait till I'm legal, huh? :D

Hey I know how you feel. I used to count the days till the Olsen twins turned 18 years old...which happens to be on my birthday, too.

Ciao fingers.
Your posts are always fun.

Kitty said...

i'm going to kill that guard RIGHT IN THE BALLS.

that's how.

electro-kevin said...

Emma @ 7.53

That poses an interesting question (accidentally shagging a tranny)

Now picture this, chaps

You're getting the best BJ of your life and she's gorgeous ... then you reach down.

Would ya wait 'til afterwards before complaining ?

electro-kevin said...

...I just need concensus on what is acceptable these days incase it happens to me.

I've been out of the mating game a long while.

unique_stephen said...

I wear my condescending hypocrisy with pride.

I'll answer any way - Kitty said she'd "break all your idiotic dinosaur fossil plants" which I assumed to be mean that you had a Wollemi Pine. The popular misconception is that they are from the age of the dinosaurs, when they are in fact from the cretaceous - several million years after the K-T extinction. She could of course be referring to a cycad which would be from the age of the dinosaurs but is not as cool imho as the Wollemi.

Good luck with the hefalump.

Kitty said...

unique - they are funny looking ferny things. they are really old. like fingers.

Keshi said...

ewwww u get this kinda emails Fingers? def they're GREEN..prolly even down there!

Keshi.

electro-kevin said...

Frankly I'm stunned.

I've just seen an advert on TV ...

Question to Kitty.

Have you been doing adverts as a sideline, you baaad girl ???

I'll attempt a link here but it may not work - click on 'play'

http://www.visit4info.com/advert/Buster-Kitchen-Cleaners-Plugholes-Need-Love-Buster-Kitchen-Products/61415

electro-kevin said...

Yup - link successful.

You are sooooo busted !

Ms Smack said...

Hilarious post and very clever!

I didn't realise you're still hunting the elephant!

electro-kevin said...

I've dedicated a post to you, Fingers.

EmmaK said...

you Aussies are so fuckin laid back aren't you? You're just like, so I might have slept with a bloke, like, whatever.

cat said...

I, like Ms. Smack didn't know you where hunting the "elephant" I, myself am always hunting "rabbitt".

The are "waskling wabbits" too.

Good lick, I mean luck on your search. May you find the Biggest-Baddest Elephant around.

Kitty said...

EK- lay off the crack pipe in public kevvy!

considering i've posted photos of my scone for a full year, i struggle with the idea that you 'wonder' what i look like and confuse me with random actresses on the tellybox. but you know, whatever...now about getting some plughole lovin'...

Steph said...

*sigh* As IF I would email you about your elephant, ya big twat!

Care factor? 0.4..currently, but that may change if you actually get laid and I want to know what Snuffelufugus flange looks like.

electro-kevin said...

Well you gotta agree, she's a good looker, Kitty.

I could have mixed you up with a right munter instead. Then how would you feel ?

fingers said...

Spiky: I bet you're looking forward to turning 16 even more. Then you'll be able to get the operation.

Kitty: You're going to what ??

E-K: There's no upside answering this question; even hypothetically.

US: Welcome fellow paleophile. It's nice to know at least one of my readers can differentiate between the KT extinction and KY jelly. And no, they're not Wollemi Pines.

Kitty: They're bromeliads. And they require their centres to be kept moist. Remind you of anyone ??

Keshi: Yes. Spam. Do chicks get inudated with poon-reduction spam at all ??

E-K: Thank you for the lovely dedication. If I ever have children I'll name my firstborn after you. They will be known as Silly Cunt Fingers.

Smack: I'm more like a circling vulture waiting for her to fall over some day.

Emmak: No, secretly I've been up for days worrying about the possibility since you mentioned it. I'm a wreck. OMG, what might have I done ??

Cat: Yes, unlike most bloggers, I preger to keep my humiliations a private matter.

Kitty: Stop humping the guests.

Steph: And good luck to you in your search for that lost sense of humour.

E-K: Stop letting Kitty hump your leg...

Steph said...

Ohhh feeling a tad precious this afternoon oh fingery one?

Guess that means ya didn't get any then. ((hugs))

phishez_rule said...

You so should not post your email address on your blog. Or your profile. Wait... you don't!

You have some seriously weird stalkers out there. Can I trade you?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers: I have one word for you, ELECTROFIAMMA.

And they, the only sex change I've had is from fucking a hot guy to fucking a hot gal. Fingers, can you say the same?

YES!

Oh...um, okay then...never mind.
Ciao babes. :D

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...and yes I knew that's what you meant. And that is KIND OF SCARY...really. :)

Ciao.

travistee said...

Gosh...was it the 'awesome' California slang that gave me away??

fingers said...

Steph: I noticed that you have been the next commenter after me on about 5 blogs this weekend. Are you following me again, you psycho loon ??

Spiky: I wish you came with closed captions sometimes.

Trav: That's 'ossum...

Keshi said...

na...instead they send us boob-job spam. like i need one LOL!

Keshi.

unique_stephen said...

to Keshi, you should foward some of that spam on over to Kylie

phishez_rule said...

This made me think of you. If you ever need a new avatar pic...

phishez_rule said...

Do I need to repost my first comment to get a response?

fingers said...

Keshi: You want a big pair of boobs. Take Steph and Kitty.

Phish: Oh baby, I didn't mean to ignore you. You just slipped through the net. Which simply proves my point that most of you turkeys enjoy being slapped...

xl said...

phishez_rule: "new avatar." Two birds with one stone, no? Hehe.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

AHAHAHAHA...babes, you wished I came in closed caption sometimes! hahaha! Now that is f@cking funny.

Hi fives...on that one fingers. :)

Kitty said...

i am not a boob! though i'm getting a new pair of them soon.

will you still love me after i've sold out the constant pressure to surgically enhanced my tired old windsocks smoopie??

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers...I can't hear myself talk...could you turn off the closed caption? :D

fingers said...

xl: Are you on drugs, boy ??

Spiky: Did you give 'xl' drugs, boy ??

Kitty: Oh God. I'm glad I didn't call you a cunt then...

Kitty said...

shuddup or you won't be getting any action during my I Want To Fuck Some Bloggers Tour of Sydders next month.

*purchases a finger dildo vibrator thingy from Phish's link*

Regulus said...

Hi Fingers,

So you are going into the advice column business?

I can't understand half comments posted here. And I'm still baffled why you covered up the middle finger on your avatar.

Keshi said...

**to Keshi, you should foward some of that spam on over to Kylie


Im sure they get their share of boob-blow-up spam too Stephen. :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Fingers u dun read my comments proeprly d u? I didnt say I NEEDED a boob job!

If I did a boob job now, I wudnt be able to blog!

Keshi.

fingers said...

Kitty: You need an IBone.

Reg: I'm not following you re: the advice column. There's no mystery with the avatar. It was the first replacement I found.

Keshi: Well, we're even since you're not reading mine either, Boobzilla...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

I was wondering who took my stash. And where's by bong?

xl said...

fingers, spiky: I will admit to being on more drugs than Heath Ledger, but no fun ones. [Carefully avoiding mention of Spiky's missing paraphernalia.]

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers/XL: Oops, I made a mistake. I don't own a bong. Silly me...ha ha. Hum, then what was I...sucking on? Hey...!

Ciao babes.

sparsely kate said...

Hahaha, this is the first time I've been able to comment since I've been away holidaying but this was funny.

I don't have a faint little clue about what you are talking about though chasing an elephant. Does that mean she's a bit fat? Or old? Or does she have a wonderful memory?

But I hope you succeed in love. We all need love. sigh.

mutleythedog said...

It looks like good tips to me - if I had a girlfiend I would want to know if she was secretly a tranny..

Keshi said...

wuteva!

Keshi.

fingers said...

Spiky: Was it your own pee-pee ??

kate: No, it's simply a reference to the magnitude of the hunt.

Keshi: Stop sooking...

fingers said...

Mut: Sorry mate, didn't mean to skip you. Anyway, better get a girlfriend first before you start worrying if she's tranny. Baby steps...

xl said...

"pee-pee"

Could ignite a flame war.

fingers said...

xl: 'pee-pee'...hee-hee...

Kitty said...

i love any man who calls his meat sword a pee pee and not a cock, or a love truncheon or whatever.

it's so childish and immature.

hot.

xl- do a post about pee pee's and i'm aaaaaall yoooooooours

Keshi said...

*smirks*

come n read my prev post..I wanna know wut u think.

And where's ur ans for my current post Mr.I-Know-All-About-Boobs??


Keshi.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

finger: You go girl...calling a COCK a pee pee is just not right. Only kids say...pee pee.

I once stood behind my b/f (college) a swimmer, fuck he was hot...swimmers have fab bodies. Ah, sorry I was lost there, anyway he went to drain his lizzard as he said...I stood behind him and held his COCK, not pee pee, only grammer school kids say pee pee. Hey, don't worry I'll get to the point...anyway I stood behind him and held his cock while he went...so wierd, but I giggled just it was such a hoot. "Don't move it to much...you'll miss the toilet!" Geez...can't even play. Anyway...I shook it like he said. "more then three shakes is called masterbation, he said." Must be a guy thing. I love a guy that makes me laugh. That was my experience (kinda) as to what a guy goes through taking a wiz while holding his COCK taking a Wiz..

Okay now for my thought on this. Seeing you use words like pee pee...I am sure now that you are a 13 year old little girl dike...with a pee pee. :D

Ciaao babes.

xl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
electro-kevin said...

Mine couldn't possibly be described as a 'pee-pee' - not when it's the size of a baby's arm holding an apple.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers...see even EK agrees...No talk of pee pees...lets call them cocks...dongs...the high hard one...but never pee pees. You silly girl. :D

Steph said...

The day I stalk you is the day I top myself!!
Not quite ready for that YET. Ask me again next week.

fingers said...

Kitty: Meat sword ?? Are you reading Shakespeare again ??

Keshi: Was your post about me ??

Spiky: You're like a blog within a blog.

xl: No use of TWG for personal blog hawking please.

E-K: No use of TWG for personal pee-pee hawking please.

Spiky: Within a blog within a blog within a blog.

Steph: I asked already. You told me to shove it. The postman may ring twice, but not meeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Kitty said...

Sprunged! I'm your very own swooning Juliet, Smoopie Bear.

Oh Romeo, Romeo where for art thou Romeo?!...thee wants some cocketh pleaseth.

xl said...

fingers, earlier "blog hawking" response to Ms Kitty removed. Won't happen again.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...hum, you mean I'm not the zealot of seriousness I thought myself to be.

Hey...did you know that when Shakespeare wrote...'Romeo, Romeo where for art thou Romeo'...Juliet (a Capulet) isn't really asking where he is, she is asking, 'why are you a 'Montague. Why is your name Montague.' You know, fueding families and all. It's twuuuuuu.

Class beigns tomorrow...on Hamlet, to deter conceptions that it is a mini ham sandwich.

Um, sweetie...I think I just did a mini Blog here...Fuck, you were right. :)

Ciao babes.

mutleythedog said...

You are right - how can I get a girlfriend? Please leave me some advice..I am desperate

Kitty said...

xl ignore fingers!!! hawk loud and proud my darling. i do, how else am i supposed to get people to peer into my pinkness.

fingers said...

Kitty: Methinks thy cheese hath slithered off thy cracker.

xl: Good boy. Have some cheese.

Spiky: The why didn't the boring cunt just say that instead of torturing successive generations of schoolboys with his circuitous grammar ??

Mutley: Exude desperation. Chicks dig that.

Kitty: Topic closed. The end...

Jane said...

klim emos tnaw yttik ytteerp

you must be flattered by your deceitful fans.