Sunday, July 20, 2008

a special investigation...

The recent passing of the world’s oldest blogger prompted a little research on my part into the question of human longevity, which eventually led me to a Wikipedia entry on the subject of super-centenarians. Or as they are sometimes known: really old cunts (ROC).

The most famous ROC was the legendary Jeanne Calment (pictured), a French woman who attained the incredible age of 122 years 164 days, before her untimely demise in 1997. I say untimely because if you look at her biography, it suggested she may have become the first human being to reach two-hundred.
For instance, in 1965, aged 90, with no living heirs, Jeanne Calment signed a deal, common in France, to sell her condominium apartment ‘en viager’ to lawyer François Raffray. Monsieur Raffray, then aged 47, agreed to pay her a monthly sum until she died, an agreement sometimes called a ‘reverse mortgage’. At the time of the deal, the value of the apartment was equal to ten years of payments. Calment lived more than thirty additional years, saying: “Best fun I’ve ever had watching that smart-prick lawyer shithead twist in the wind.”
In 1985, then living on her own at spritely the age of 110, Calment was moved into a nursing home after burning down the house while attempting to spot-weld a leaking water-pipe, claiming: “Fucked if I’ll pay some ass-raping plumber to come and fix such a small, pissy job.”
At the age of 114, making her the oldest actress ever to appear on screen, she starred in the 1990 film ‘Vincent and Me’ as herself, uttering the immortal line: “If you try and feel me up again Van Gogh, I’ll cut more than just your fucking ear off, you hideous, misshapen orangutan.”
Calment smoked until she was 117, quit, and then picked up the habit again at 118 years of age, telling her 80 year old physician: "Once you've lived as long as me, then you can tell me to give up cigarettes, you know-it-all cunt.”
Aged 120, she released a rap CD entitled ‘Time's Mistress’, attending the Grammys and getting into a scuffle on the red carpet with ‘Fifty Cents’, about whom she said, ‘Fifty fucking cents ??I wouldn’t give you five centimes for that crap-filled jungle bunny.’

Alas, poor Jeanne, the feisty little ball of gristle who looked as though she’d fallen of a charm bracelet, passed away in 1997, cut down in the prime of her life at 122 and a half years of age.
They say it was ‘natural causes’…but I think you’ll see (in my next spine-chilling post), there is more to this mystery than meets the eye…

51 comments:

Fanny F said...

I hate to give you a big head, but that was f*ing hilarious, you ROC, you.

fingers said...

Fanny; Why thank you. You rock too, baby...

Kitty said...

*struggles to think of something mean to say cause the post was in fact, rolly rolly good*

*so am just going to leave annoying comments with * at each end cause it shits you so hard*

*you know?*

*well done smoopie, 10 out of 10 you old cunt*

unique_stephen said...

Contemplating your own mortality Fingers?

fingers said...

Kitty: You're slowing down. Fanny beat you here by 4.3 seconds. I can see I'm going to have to start looking for a younger Attack Kat.

US: I find it refeshing and light-hearted after a long night down in the wine cellar trying to catch neutrinos in my bathtub...

sparsely kate said...

Please please please tell me that her secret to longevity was buttered croissants, lots of cheese and steak fried in butter garlic sauce?

Because I am so willing to swap over to that diet.

Solitaire said...

WOW!! Interesting woman and interesting lifestyle! :)

cat said...

Great story!
But, I have a question?
Did you mean 1975?
Or is 1965 correct?

I would love to know her secret to living so damn long.

You know how to write a story babe, great one! You keep us coming back for more.

Bad Bob said...

Great story Fingers! I think her secret to longevity was that she didn't hang out with you and the 'Brain' and have to deal with Scary Bob.
Didn't she hold the world freefall record for people over 100?

nudeman40 said...

This one was good Fingers. I laughed out loud and people here at the office gave me a dirty look. The ROC's

Kelly said...

What year did you date her, ROC?

xl said...

Le Français, even their ROCs are rude.

Tom Gaylord said...

lol did you take some of my drugs?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...I love it. Um, please before you give tom gaylord back his bong...bring it to me...cause I want to write good shit like that.

I don't want you to bitch me out for doing a mini series here... so I'll just finish with...that great great great great granny knows her stuff. I just paid a plumber, last Friday (I kid you not) to fix a shower facet...my ass still hurts.

Ciao babes.

Kitty said...

i'm a mere babe in arms compared to you, you totally prehistoric old fuuuuuuuuuuuuckeeeeeeeeeeer!!

fingers said...

Kate: I think you'll find that is the John Candy diet. I still find it hard to believe he's gone.

Sol: Oh, hi Doc. It's a lively collection of fruit loops in here today. Pick a loon and help yourself to a PhD.

Cat: I meant 1965, at which time she was 90. You can work this out by subtracting 1875 from 1965. Wikipedia's arithmetic might be fallible but mine's not. Still, good to see you checking facts and figures.

Bob: Don't know about the skydiving but apparently she took up fencing at 85.

NM: So, you didn't laugh at any of the other ones..:(

Kelly: Her husband died in 1942, so she was single for 55 years. You might want to think about that.

xl: Merde.

TG: Yes, and now my sphincter won't close.

Spiky: Serves you right for sticking a shower faucet in your ass then.

Kitty: It's off to the shelter for you...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

fingers...I know what you're thinking. You want to be a plumber now.

Hey, how was I to know? I thought it looked like a shower facet. I confused the box...chrome vibrater...chrome facet. They both look the same, almost. I'm just glad he didn't try to hook me up to hot and cold running water. :D

And where's the bong? Oh, doing a little more research for your next part of the story, huh? Cool.

ciao babes.

Kitty said...

Sold! After hearing about your pussy and his $50,000 hip replacement, I should think a trip to a shelter of your choice would be quite the lifestyle upgrade...

( . )( . ) said...

*yawn*

That was fucking boring...... I come here for entertainment not to read boring drivel about old coots

unique_stephen said...

Sounds like a scintillating way to relax.

fingers said...

Spiky: It's a faucet, dingbat.

Kitty: How about I book you in for a pussy-replacement. Or at least a re-tread.

(.)(.): I've taken the liberty of creating a post-template for your blog, so that you only need fill in the relevant blanks.

'So, last (...) I went to (...) with (...) and had (...) drinks and (...) pills. I left at (...) with (...) and we went back to (...) place and he put (...) in my (...) till (...). It was (...) and/but today my (...) hurts.

US: It is but I haven't caught any yet...

Kitty said...

(.)(.)- uuuuum aaaaah

Kitty said...

Fingers!! that is just about enoughski!

I'm going to get you for LIBEL, DEFAMATION and quite possibly SLANDER!

My Britney is just fine thank you! I shall prove it by POSSIBLY allowing you poke me when I visit Sydney to seduce and defile The Amazing Rack that is today's Tuesday Tits.

Kittyhawk strikes again...

( . )( . ) said...

Hey fingers,

Thanks for the new blog template LOVE ITTTTT! Totally works for me.

Suck it up you big sissy.

xx

fingers said...

Kitty: What's a Brittney ??

(.)(.): I knew you'd take it in the spirit in which it was intended...:)...

sparsely kate said...

One of these days, fingers me and you are gonna come to blows about the late and great John Candy. I haven't read anywhere that he was broke when he died either!! Plus he had given up smoking...

:)

Steph said...

So did you shag her? Did you celebrate your birthdays together?
I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

Kitty said...

fingers- sorry, sorry! my mistake, to think you would know a term. It is another (politer) word for cunt, snatch, gash, flange, pussy or minge.

it came about after britney kept stunning the paps with her clacker. which looked like a very untidy shaved ham sammich with mayo...i don't like to speculate...BUT-

Keshi said...

Are u planning to be the oldest FINGER in Blogville?


Keshi.

fingers said...

Kate: Well perhaps he should have kept smoking, like Jeanne.

Steph: I love you too, Princess. I'm going to dedicate my next post to you. It will be a shrine built from words, a fitting monument which I hope will keep your legacy to blogging alive, long after you vanish from the internet and are caught shoplifting at Sportsgirl.

Kitty: You forgot 'clunge'.

Keshi: Actually I'm planning to move into Steph's old blog once she's gone, sort of like a hermit crab...

phishez_rule said...

Aww. You want to be just like her, don't you grandpa?

Ms Smack said...

I really really like it when you stop fucking around and write something worthwhile and brilliant.

This was one such occasion.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Ha...I did that. huh?

Tomato...potato...Only the word police care, Archie.

Yesterday was a long day and my beta was on break. You don't know what a beta is, do you?

Do I have to do another blog within a glog within in a blog?

latter babes.

Get it...latter instead of later.
I did that on purpose...do I get handcuffed now. :P

EmmaK said...

Wikipedia also says she smeared her face in olive oil every day. My theory is she preserved herself thus, like a sardine.

nudeman40 said...

Absolutly not. I think you are quite funny. Since I found you I have been quite entertained. Both here and other blogs you post at. I finally found someone a bit more, shall we say "over the edge" than me. We could get ourselves in way too much trouble...

villageidiot said...

I agree with you, the most talented ones are always taken from us too soon....

fingers said...

Phish: Not really. My dream is to host my own diet blog some day.

Smack: Nice backhand, Serena. Ouch.

Spiky: my beta is switched off. What is a 'glog' ??

Emmak: I'm sure the sardine oil is just a clever ruse to hide the ROC smell you get after turning 120.

NM: I've always wanted to legally change my middle name to 'Trouble'. Imagine how much fun that would be down at the RTA.

VI: Welcome aboard 'Village'. You'll blend in seamlessly here. I breed idiots at TWG and sell them to villages that have lost theirs...

Keshi said...

I can see ur addicted to Steph!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

come join my FUNERAL post. :)

Keshi.

Fusion said...

I don't know what's better, the post or the comments...

SPARSELY KATE said...

fuse: in my expert opinion it is generally the comments that are better than the posts but that is not meant to be an insult to the great Fingers...it's just that he works better under attack and sexual innuendo. He has a flair for dealing with the grubby blogging public.
His handling of resident loonies is nothing short of genius.

:)

Jayne said...

Classic post Fingers - fuckin' funny :-)
You still in touch with RFYP or has he dropped off the planet & into domesticated bliss?

cat said...

Ah, got you. I anderstod now, tank you vury mosch.

I love your blog and love the comments even more, but I'm waiting patiently for your next entry.

Pleeezzze give us more!

Diva said...

I think I drink and smoke to much to have any sort of hope of becoming an ROC ever.

But, I'll try.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fingers: You clever man. hehehehe.

Well where's the handcuffs? Oh and you better frisk me, just in case I have a hidden weapon...It's an S.O.P. (standard operating procedure) isn't it. :)

Jeez, whats a gal gotta do to get spanked around here? hehehe.

Have a nice day Fingers. Ciao.

fingers said...

Keshi: Steph is like a drug. I wish I could crush her up, roll her in Tally-Hos and set fire to her sometimes. Now, would you like me to set up an ad for your blog in my sidebar ??

Fusion: I know. They all seem to dig the pain. Weirdos.

Kate: No insult. It's just what every writer likes to hear. 'Yeah the book was OK but I really enjoyed the reviews more.'

J: I haven't heard from/of Mountjoy for ages. I think Smack may still be in touch with him though.

Cat: Glud to seee thoze nu meds urn't nocking u arownd to moch.

Diva: Welcome to TWG. I notice you didn't mention drugs. You're not some sort of health nut, are you ??

Spiky: Baby, you ARE a weapon...

Madam Z said...

I remember reading about Jeanne Calment on two occasions. One was when she was being interviewed on her 120th (or so) birthday and the reporter asked her to what she attributed her longevity. She answered, "I quit smoking three years ago." On another occasion, she was chatting with a reporter and divulged this gem, "I have only one wrinkle...and I'm sitting on it!"

Ms Smack said...

Nope. I'm not in touch with Donnie but I probably have his email address somewhere. Not sure. I'll have to check!

I'll email it to you Jayne, if I find it.

Cheers
Smack!

Regulus said...

Not to be picky, but I don't think a supernova detonation would look like that, but this is a complicated topic.

fingers said...

Reg: Not to be picky either, but I think that's a photo of an old lady, you silly cunt...

Dr Zibbs said...

It may be said but world's oldest tap dancer is still going stong.